Traumatized

[mintblossom]

I am. I really am.

 

These horrid memories will come and float into my mind at random. I will think of memories from the past and they begin to haunt me. I can't shake it off. I feel so traumatized.

 

I used to believe that people were good, kind, decent, honest, moral beings. These experiences shook me to the core....my whole physical, emotional, spirtual being has been sickened by the past events.

 

Even when I am doing well, there are moments when the thoughts come and I can't shake it out of my head. My whole being wells up with disgust, trauma, and terror. So awful. So awful to know that these kind of men exist and that once upon a time, I let them near me.

 

It's been a long time. But I still feel overwhelming sense of disgust and horror. Yuck. So gross. Trauma. Trauma. Will my soul ever be freed from this pain?

 

I betrayed myself. I didn't protect myself. I am most sad about that. I feel like I failed myself. No one deserves to have lived like that. Not me. Not anyone.

 

I write in order to free myself from the pain. I am so saddened that I did not fight back. I am sad that I did not get out from the very beginning.

 

But if one thing, I will never ever let myself be treated like that again. I will fight hand, tooth, nail, and with everything I have to live a worthy life without this type of slime and scum.

[robowarrior]

I highly suggest theraphy , and your right. We live in a world that is filled with darkness and hatred, in order to forfill our selfish purposes a lot of people have no consideration and wouldn't mind walking over dead bodies to reach their goals.

 

These people are what we call unconsious, they don't see the broader persective and that everyone is interconnected to eachother instead of being simply individuals. This means that you can't become happy if you hurt others in the process when trying to become happy yourself.

 

Talk talk talk it out, and vent.

 

It takes time to understand that you need to be like a castle gate, closing yourself to bad people/things/events and only opening yourself to good people/things/events. In order to protect yourself from bad influences.

 

Getting hurt happens when we emotionally let the enemy within our castles, who only reduce it to ruins. However we must not succomb to it.

 

The meaning of life is to love and help others. If we are strong we need to tame these wild lions and make them understand the bigger perspective of why it is wrong to hurt other human beings.

[Daddy Bear]

You got out, you survived, and you learned from your experience. That makes you a real winner to me.

 

There are lots of decent guys out there capable of restoring your lost faith in humanity. Don't let what you've been through hold you back from believing that you'll find one, if love is what you want.

[mintblossom]

I would like to meet decent people in general. Particularly those close to my age, male or female. And not for dating because I'm enjoying being me. But for real friendship perhaps. I have lost a great deal of faith in humanity. Sometimes I feel like the only person left with a brain, a heart, and all that stuff. It may not be true, but it feels like it. And that is just as bad.

 

For a long time I was so used to being treated badly. So used to being ignored, shunned at school. The kids teased me. The teachers were in different. I went to bad schools with the wrong environment. I met people that I didn't care about. I couldn't change their behavior.

 

At home, I was so used to be yelled at, criticized, my boundaries and opinions not respected. I remember the violence escalating especially when I needed help the most and a caring shoulder to learn on. The controlling me, locking me down, trying to control me, the authoritarian parenting. It really screws a person up.

 

I think it was a natural extension to go from two main environments where I was used to being mistreated and ignored to ending up with abusive men. It was more difficult and confusing to try and weed out the insincere users from the real ones because I was so used to being treated like I was worthless. You get used to it. You get used to taking it and not leaving. I was used to trying to survive at school and home, I didn't have the choice to leave. So when the men turned ugly...I didn't even think to leave.

 

It was only after multiple bad experiences that I learned to fight, learned to protect myself. I'm still used to being treated like scum, only this time, I learning to walk away. It's still tough though.

 

I still get treated like that at home - the cold shoulder.

 

I've met a lot of guys that just wanted to sleep with me. Or who lie to me, try to manipulate, try to use me, wanted me to be his mistress (gross), guys that didn't care, slam doors in my face, hang up telephone on me, never bother to respond to me, put me down, call me names, ignore me....I got used to it all, like it was normal.

 

Only it isn't.

[Brooke657]

OMG. Dude your 30...get over it! Clearly you have some issues, therapy could help. You sound like your holding onto things that happened a realllllly long time ago...maybe it's time to let some of those things go. Sorry if I sound like I'm being unsympathetic but holding onto everything bad that's ever happened to you is just not normal. If people took everything that's ever happened and held grudges their entire lives most people would be miserable and somehow they aren't. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and either move on or get help.

[Daddy Bear]

Keep weeding through that pile of bums - there has to be a good one in there somewhere.