I may be controlling, but I am worried.

[desperately worried]

Hello. I am a first time poster looking for some outside, unbiased opinions, and hopefully some advice. Sparing most of the details, I am a 17 year old male and I have a complicated relationship with my girlfriend. I love her more than anything, but sometimes we have our conflicts. There is this recurring problem that has always been a thorn in my back, and I was hoping I could get some responses.

 

There is this guy that she has known for a while. He is a couple years older. She talks to him from time to time, but he always tells her how he loves her and he wants to marry her or hook up with her. He knows that she is in a relationship with me. He does this all the time, even though she has always told him no. The thing is, even though she tells him no, he keeps saying those things. It seems like she just lets him say things like that. I know the things he says because she has told me different things he tells her. I tell her how that makes me feel, and I do not feel comfortable with her talking to someone that acts like he does.

 

Multiple times she has told me she will never talk to him again. Just the other day she has told me that she does not want to talk to him. Well, today we had a fight, and she told me she is going to talk to him. They used to be good friends, but he has been really serious. During the summer she would talk to him and he would give her advice and help her feel better, but for the past few months he has been a little more aggressive with his feelings. I am fine with her talking to him, but it is especially disheartening when she has gotten my hopes up saying that she will never talk to him then she decided to change her mind.

 

She was saying she would never talk to him for a few weeks, and I believed her. Again, without sparing all the details, I am just wondering what some of you think about this. I do, indeed, deserve something like this since I have lied to her a few times and came forward. They weren't anything serious though, since I just told her I wanted to learn a certain language. Since I lied to her about wanted to learn a language, she decided she can change her mind about talking to him.

 

It really worries me that she wants to talk to him. Many times they talk and she ends up blocking him or something like that, but she still wants to talk to him and she ends up talking to him. I'm not accusing her of loving him or anything, since I know that she loves me and me only. It just boggles me that he annoys her so much and she knows that it bothers me that she talks to him, but she still wants to talk to him after all of that.

 

 

[veneratio]

so why does she talk to him if he annoys her and he makes those kind of comments?

 

I get mad when guys make one time comments to my girlfriend like "forget that guy" referring to me. So I'd be a little worried too and ask if she wouldn't talk to him anymore.

[blender]

Well, unfortunately this sounds like an unhealthy power struggle, that has little to do with mature respectful love. So the "healing" can start with YOU.. and YOUR choices.. it is "hurtful" for you that she ALLOWS this man to be in her life, and CHOOSES to keep in touch with him..and it's not like he's a "good friend".. because a "good friend" would respect her relationship with you and would NOT be saying things like "I love you, want to marry you, hope to hook up with you".. seems to me she likes having this "power chip" in her pocket as a way to "keep you on your toes" and that is NOT loving... it's immature, not very classy. YUK

 

It's HEALTHY and SELF RESPECTING and MATURE that you are NOT okay with it... but you can not "change her, or ask her to not do something if she is not respectful enough to do for HERSELF".

 

So the question to ask yourself is:

 

I'm I okay putting my energy into a relationship that is not mutually respectful, does not have "boundaries" about "people outside of us who choose to engage in flirtatious talk and she responds by continuing (even if begrudgingly) to keep in touch with this other guy?

 

Do you respect and admire this "choice" she makes over and over again to talk to someone whom she finds 'annoying" yet "uses" his words to repeat them to you, knowing they upset you, and she tells you that he's "flirting with her"??? This is about her insecurities.. more than it is about you..

 

It doesn't matter who she is going out with, whether it's you or any other man, her "choices" about staying in touch with this man, are NOT about you..they say so much more about HER, and her character quality or lack of it.

 

Set some standards/values for your own heart, that you choose to live within, and if her "behaviors/standards/values are not ones you wish to share, then it's not about "I did this, so she feels she can do that"... it's more about what YOU want in a woman.. and I hope you wish to build a life with someone whom you respect, admire, love, and who's feelings you consider and respond to.. and she would do the same for herself and for you... and right now, this is not the case with this girl...right?

[HyruleGuardian]

I'm in a very similar situation actually. Here's the link:

 

Not sure what you can really do though man. Sounds like confronting her really didn't help. Hopefully someone can give you an answer.

[desperately worried]

so why does she talk to him if he annoys her and he makes those kind of comments?

 

I get mad when guys make one time comments to my girlfriend like "forget that guy" referring to me. So I'd be a little worried too and ask if she wouldn't talk to him anymore.

 

She talks to him because during the summer she was going through a lot of emotional distress (because I was a complete back then, but I have changed) and he would listen to her. In the summer, however, he did not act like he does now. He was a bearable person to talk to. He never hit on her in the summer. I think it has to do since he was in love with another girl, and over the course of the summer, the girl he was in love with stopped talking to him so he fell for my girlfriend.

 

I have asked her talk not talk to him. I have told her I don't like if she talks to him. I have tried ignoring the fact that she talks to him. Right now I am in the process of just ignoring it. All she does is talk to him online, but I am afraid of that she is going to hang out with him, and the last time they hanged out, he tried to make a move, so I'm not too keen on that idea.

 

Well, unfortunately this sounds like an unhealthy power struggle, that has little to do with mature respectful love. So the "healing" can start with YOU.. and YOUR choices.. it is "hurtful" for you that she ALLOWS this man to be in her life, and CHOOSES to keep in touch with him..and it's not like he's a "good friend".. because a "good friend" would respect her relationship with you and would NOT be saying things like "I love you, want to marry you, hope to hook up with you".. seems to me she likes having this "power chip" in her pocket as a way to "keep you on your toes" and that is NOT loving... it's immature, not very classy. YUK

 

I completely agree with you when you talk about a "good friend." He used to be a good friend, but he has drastically changed. I have never thought that she is trying to keep me on my toes. I just think she is trying to knock me down a peg because I am overly protective and wonder what she is doing a lot of the time.

 

It's HEALTHY and SELF RESPECTING and MATURE that you are NOT okay with it... but you can not "change her, or ask her to not do something if she is not respectful enough to do for HERSELF".

 

Thanks. I'm glad I don't seem like a bad guy when I'm not okay with it. I want her to change, or at least not talk to him, but I don't know how to do that. It seems really controlling when I say that I do not want her to talk to him at all, but I don't know what to do. She can't not talk to him a little bit. He has multiple user names and will randomly message her on AIM. He emails her if she does not respond to him. The other night when she wasn't online, he called her and asked her why she wasn't online. I understand when she says I can't control who she talks to, but I keep telling her that this is something serious since the way he acts.

 

So the question to ask yourself is:

 

I'm okay putting my energy into a relationship that is not mutually respectful, does not have "boundaries" about "people outside of us who choose to engage in flirtatious talk and she responds by continuing (even if begrudgingly) to keep in touch with this other guy?

 

I have a lot of energy to spend. If you need more information, I can go into extreme detail about the summer and how I think I need to redeem myself. I love her with all my heart, and I know she loves me too. Sometimes I just get too smothering, and she retaliates with full force. She pulls a card on me and brings up this guy. We were fighting and she brought him up and it just started more fighting. I was telling her how she said so many times she does not want to talk to him, and she said she changed her mind. She called me a liar when I said yesterday that I did not want to study this certain language, and today I said I do want to study it.

 

Do you respect and admire this "choice" she makes over and over again to talk to someone whom she finds 'annoying" yet "uses" his words to repeat them to you, knowing they upset you, and she tells you that he's "flirting with her"??? This is about her insecurities.. more than it is about you..

 

I don't respect or admire this choice. I hate this choice. She doesn't tell me that he flirts with me exactly, she tells me what he says, and they are obvious that they are flirting. One time she told me that he said he loved her and wanted to hook up with her that day, and I told her that sounded serious, and she just denied it.

 

It doesn't matter who she is going out with, whether it's you or any other man, her "choices" about staying in touch with this man, are NOT about you..they say so much more about HER, and her character quality or lack of it.

 

She has told me countless times that she does not want to completely shut anyone out of her life since her first love of her life which was perfect until something very unfortunate happened is now cutting her out of his life, and all she wants is for him to accept her apology so she can move on. Since he ignores her, she thinks she hates him. She doesn't want anyone to feel the same way that she does, so it's hard for her to stop talking to anyone. I don't know what to do.

 

Set some standards/values for your own heart, that you choose to live within, and if her "behaviors/standards/values are not ones you wish to share, then it's not about "I did this, so she feels she can do that"... it's more about what YOU want in a woman.. and I hope you wish to build a life with someone whom you respect, admire, love, and who's feelings you consider and respond to.. and she would do the same for herself and for you... and right now, this is not the case with this girl...right?

 

I am crazy about her. I do not want to be with anyone else but her. I respect, admire, and love her. While I may not respect some of the decisions she makes, I still love her. I can't stand to imagine her with anyone else, and I can't stand imagining being without her.

[blender]

Well, you can NOT separate "her" from her "decisions".. they come in the same package. So when you say you are "crazy about her, respect, admire and love her"...which "her' are you talking about? The "her" YOU "hope she might be in your life" or the woman she is "actually revealing herself to be" through the choices she makes?

 

It would be wise to take some time to separate your "feelings" from the "facts" about this relationship, and see how many of these match up.

 

If you made some mistake or changed your mind about learning a language, why would that make her CHOOSE to label you as a liar? Does that seem logical, loving or reasonable?

 

If you have "expressed" that you do not like her choice to keep in contact with this guy, and yet she chooses to do so, well then, okay that is her "choice"... so then respect it, accept it, but this means you're going to compromise our own "values/standards" for the relationship.. but just know in doing so, you are teaching her how to treat you...then you are going to have to live with it..

 

Ask yourself: Does it make sense, is it self respecting or loving to "stay" with someone whom you are having the same value/relationship differences with over and over again about the same subject? Where's the love, the compromise, the honesty, the respect, the consideration?

 

We all make some mistakes in relationships, we hurt each other sometimes, BUT if we are "sorry" we then choose not to repeat the hurtful behavior...yet it seems she is "repeating her choice to stay in touch with this guy"..

 

and if it's because (as you say) she has some 'history" of being hurt herself...and does not want someone else to "feel hurt" as she did, well then why is okay for her to be hurting your feelings?

 

hmmm. seems her "theory" isn't as altruistic as you would so want to believe it to be.. right? Just maybe it's a self defensive guilt inducing way to justify to you just what she 'wants" to do?

 

and although you "can't imagine yourself with out her".. if you stay with her under these power struggle type of cycles..well then you will lose something way more precious..and that is YOURSELF.. your sense of self...

 

who is representing YOUR heart here? Love yourself and THEN you can truly love another.. right now I think you might be compromising your gut instinct and feelings just to keep what you "think" she is in your life..but the fact is she is a "girlfriend" she's NOT YOUR life.. that's just a "feeling/depedency" you've created in your own self thought..but it is not a fact.

 

YOU have a life, one that you can live with self respect, standards, values, and emotional boundaries as to how you allow others to be in your life..

 

It's not that she's "bad"..it's just that she's young, learning, growing, and so are you... but you will feel better in the long run if you set some standards/values and live with in them, and if she does not "share" these same values..and yet you choose to stay with her.. well then get use to going in a circle..over and over and over again..but don't it so long that your heart is dizzy and can't see the truth.

 

If you find you feel like you are "walking on egg shells" to keep her in your life... well, then... that's not a good thing... speak your truth, say what you mean, and mean what you say, and don't say it in a mean way.

 

If that doesn't set her head straight to communicate with you in a loving, caring respectful way.. then what is it you respect, admire and love about her?

[desperately worried]

For a while now I have been very afraid to tell her the truth about things. I hate my damn self, but for some reason I just couldn't tell her the truth about things. I used to tell her that she is the only girl I find attractive and she is the most beautiful girl in the world, and I knew I was lying, but I kept telling her that she was the only one I found attractive. I looked in her eyes and told her that. She might have believed me, but last night I came forward and told her that I do find other girls attractive. It makes me feel really bad especially when she only finds me attractive, and that I lied to her for so long about it.

 

I am a compulsive liar, and I don't know how to stop. I am afraid I am going to hurt her feelings, so I keep lying and lying, even though I know if she found out I was lying it would hurt her more. It's still hard for me to tell her the truth.

 

Here is some history. During the summer, I would tell her that I was really into Japanese girls. I have a fetish for them. I was an idiot and never told her how much she meant to me, and I never cared about her during the summer. I still wanted to be with her, however. This is going to get confusing, but during the summer we were together but not together. I was just a horrible person, and she was so in love with me that she would stay up until 5 in the morning waiting for me to call, but then ended up crying herself to sleep since I did not call. She knew I was looking at pornography. The truth is that I was. I did not respect her in the summer.

 

School started up again, and at the beginning of the school year I told her I wasn't going to talk to her for a while. I do not remember why I would have said that, but after a week or so, all of my feelings changed, and I went from not really giving a damn about her, to wanting to be with her and never be without her. The day I came back to her was the last day she was going to give me. If I wouldn't have talked to her, she was never going to talk to me again. I talked to her. My feelings had all changed, but she had lost so many feelings for me. She said we lost a lot of passion.

 

Ever since all of my feelings had changed for her, there had been times I was still lying. I told her I did not want to study Japanese or go to Japan. I did not want to upset her by saying I wanted any of that because I was afraid she would think if I want to do that stuff I will and I will go to Japan and cheat on her. During the summer I told her that I really liked Japanese girls, and so, she thinks I would cheat on her with a Japanese girl.

 

The other lie I mentioned before was finding other girls attractive. I don't know how to explain it, but my eyes wander when I walk down the hall at school or ride the bus, and I do see girls that I think look good. The thought usually lasts for a few seconds, since it happens when I just look at a girl that I think is attractive. I know that I took all of her confidence in herself and demolished it. Now she feels ugly and does not like the way she looks. I wanted to make her feel better, so I would tell her that she is the only girl I found attractive. All I wanted to do was give her confidence back. I truly believe she is the most beautiful girl in the world, but now she won't even let me say that since I had lied to her. I just can't explain why I lie about things. The truth just makes me think she is going to lose more feelings and confidence.

 

The other night she told me she will forgive me for anything I tell her, as long as it's the truth and I don't lie anymore. I have come forward with a few things, but there are still a few skeletons in my closet. I don't know if I should break the news to her. I believe that she will forgive me, but I am afraid she is going to get really upset, and so many feelings will go away. She was starting to feel better about herself, and then we got into a conflict about the fact that I thought one of her friends was pretty. It did not end well, but I realized I do not think her friend is pretty. It was too late though, and things changed after that, and now she thinks I'm lying about that since I have lied about so much already. Anyways, even though most of the feelings from the summer (Side note: During the summer she was really in love with me. She wanted to talk to me all the time, and she wanted to see me all the time. I would ignore her and not talk to her, and I would cancel our plans all the time. Over three months, though, she still endured this. She still wanted to be with me. After that week, however, she was ready to give up.) had dissipated, she told me yesterday that a lot of those feelings had come back. I noticed it too since she would start calling me at random times, and she wanted to hang out more. She was more positive.

 

Now it is like it has stopped. After telling her the truth, she seems really upset. She doesn't want to talk to me as much, and now she hates Valentine's more than ever. We are still going to exchange gifts tomorrow, but I think she doesn't really want to come over. She just wants to stay home and watch romance movies. I love when she is all lovey with me, and that's why I don't want to tell any more truths. Even though I might end up lying about things, I don't want her to stop loving me like she was. We are on a break now, but I know we still love each other, and I hope we will get back together. She won't get back with me until she feels better and I tell her everything. I feel like it might be too late, and she will never act the same way that she did just a few days ago.

 

Time to backtrack a little. There are two lies that I don't know what to do about. During the summer I would look at porn. I loved porn. I couldn't get enough of it. It was like an addiction. Well, after my feelings changed for her, so did my feelings for porn. I didn't like it anymore, at least I thought so. I told her how horrible porn is, and that it is just really bad. She hated the fact that I looked at porn, and it made her feel so bad about herself since she thought I wanted to have sex with the women I would look at. It breaks my heart to stay this, but even though I told her I quit looking at porn, I have been looking at it regularly. I just get urges to look at it. I still like looking at it, and I lie to her about it. I don't want to tell her that I look at it and I want to look at it because last night I told her I don't want to look at porn. If I come out with another lie, she might never want to talk to me again, especially since this is a big secret. I have been deceiving her for so long.

 

I want to tell her that I want to look at porn and that I have been looking at it, but I do not want to hurt her this much. This could be something that she would not forgive me for, even though she said the only thing that she won't forgive is if I cheated on her. Anyways, if I tell her, she will hold it over my head forever, and always comment about porn. I may like porn, but I do not think about the people in it when I look at it. It's just eye candy. I can't explain it. I don't want to be with anyone in the porn, I just want to look at it. She thinks I want to have sex with porn stars. She thinks I fantasize about the girls. That is not true, but she does not believe me. I really do think about her when I'm in the process of doing something, but it does not change anything. She is so skeptical of me. I am so lost.

 

I want to know if I can still be with her. I don't want to take a chance and lose her. She means so much to me, and I want to be with her. I don't want her to leave me which is why I am so confused at what to say. I can tell her the truth, and then she is really hurt and she might never recover. Or I can continue living in lies and risk the chance that if she finds out, it really will be over. I hate lying, but I am so afraid of how she will react. I don't want to be without her!