Jeckyll and hyde???

[DizzyDoris]

My boyfriend of 5 months is the the lovliest,sweetest man ever when sober. However when drunk he is a totally different character. Last night, totally unprovoked, i received a string of nasty txt messages off him. I knew he had been out drinking all day with the boys. He has a son and cancelled my daughters bday party so he could go to the football with his mates.

 

On the evening i received a txt saying, "hope you all had a nice time at the party, love you baby xxx" etc . I replied lightheartedly, "yeah fab thanks, hope you have a gr8night, see you soon xxx." The next message i received said "F you" to which i replied "nice!" i then got one back saying "you have made a (word beginning with C....ending in T....out of me". By now i was bewildered as we have had no cross words, so i reply "we will talk tomorrow when your sober, im not putting up with this crap, you've totally lost me??!"

I then get a message back saying "ok it was fun while it lasted"

 

I hardly slept last night and figured he would call today to apologise, but no! Ive not heard anything off him, not a bean. Im bewildered as to what would make him behave this way? Im presuming that things are over between us, even though neither of us have officially said that.

 

My friends say i should call it a day and even if he apologises i should cut my losses and walk. Im just so confused. They say the truth comes out when you've had a drink? Up until last night things were great (or so i thought) i guess if things seem too good to be true, then yeah they are!

 

I know communication is the key to a good relationship, but i am too stubborn to call him. I feel he was out of order and he should apologise or get in touch first. Do you think he has not been in touch out of embarrasment or that he has ended our relationship on this drunken note?

 

Grrrr my gut instinct is saying to walk away and that i deserve better but i want to know where i stand and what to do next? He says he loves me all the time.....going off last night though he has a funny way of showing it!

[RayKay]

Yeah, I certainly would walk. Drinking lowers inhibitions, but it does not excuse verbal abuse.

 

My ex did this too, was sweet as pie when sober, and turned into a total creep and jerk when drunk. I became fearful of when he drank, but still excused it. My self esteem plummetted and my confidence in his love for me eroded.

 

I will also say that 5 months in sure he "only" does this when drunk...but what about down the road when he crosses the barrier to doing it while sober too? Because that is exactly what happened to me, and it was even more horrible.

[veneratio]

I have a friend who has a girlfriend that gets like that when she's drunk. They're totally happy when she isn't drunk, but she gets verbally abusive when she is. I don't think it's worth it. But maybe he isn't as bad as she is.

 

Before you do anything though, I'd call and ask what that was all about. Maybe he doesn't even remember? I dont know, I'd try calling though.

[DizzyDoris]

Thanks for the replies Raykay and veneratio. Im so stubborn haha and its so unlike us not to have contact. We speak most days or at least exchange texts or emails. He would see the messages he sent me last night as they would be in his outbox on his phone

 

I cant believe that he has not contacted me to say sorry. Obviously he does not regret the nasty things he said last night. I am not going to go chasing after him, so im presuming that things are over between us.

[Dako]

I'd walk...or run.

Drinking just is an excuse, and you deserve a full-time decent guy.

 

I know a fellow like this, and wish we weren't related.

After a while it gets very old.

[karvala]

There seems to a missing piece here. I can understand someone behaving differently, or at least in a more extreme manner, while drunk; that's well documented. However, it is very uncharacterstic for aggression to be entirely unprovoked, and even more so for it to last after sobriety is restored.

 

It looks a lot to me as though someone said something to him about you while he was drunk, or at least he made some discovery or other (even if he possibly completely misinterpreted whatever it was), that led him to act that way, and remain without contact since.

 

That's not to excuse his behaviour, or lack of explanation, in any way, but if I were in your position, I'd be curious at least to know exactly what brought on his change of attitude, and if you're really interested in saving things (and assuming he is capable of being suitably apologetic once he realises he messed up), you might want to ask him what has provoked this.

[DizzyDoris]

My friends all think he has "issues" as his ex wife left him for another man. I am the first woman he has dated since their divorce and he comes accross as being very bitter towards women.

 

He is still very much at his ex wifes beck and call and if im honest i really dont think he is 100% over her.

[DizzyDoris]

So Karvala, you think i ought to initiate contact with him to see what brought these nasty messages on?

 

I can honestly say i have not done anything to cross him,i have been nothing but loyal and loving to him. At the moment i am angry with him for treating me this way, i feel he has been unduly disrespectful towards me and i feel HE should be the one to get in touch (even if i am cutting off my nose to spite my face!)

[dw_rc...Confused]

Is this just a one off or is he always like this when he's drunk? If it's a one off I think it's forgivable and it was probably the drink talking but if this is a regular drink related problem then yeah I'd walk

[DizzyDoris]

Is this just a one off or is he always like this when he's drunk? If it's a one off I think it's forgivable and it was probably the drink talking but if this is a regular drink related problem then yeah I'd walk

 

There has been one other incident (again on a saturday night after a session with the boys) when i received a nasty text message. I called him back straight away and he didnt answer, i didn't sleep that night due to worrying.

 

The next day he said his phone was on silent and the message was intended for one of his friends, not me.....hmmmm

[karvala]

So Karvala, you think i ought to initiate contact with him to see what brought these nasty messages on?

 

I can honestly say i have not done anything to cross him,i have been nothing but loyal and loving to him. At the moment i am angry with him for treating me this way, i feel he has been unduly disrespectful towards me and i feel HE should be the one to get in touch (even if i am cutting off my nose to spite my face!)

 

I can understand that, but like I say, it's not what you've done, but what he *thinks* you've done, that would seem to be leading to it, and without talking to him, you won't know what that is.

 

What I'm imagining here, is something along the lines of one of his mates, for whatever reason, telling him that you came onto them, or you cheated on him, or some such thing, which combined with the drink led to his extreme reaction and subsequent radio silence. Of course you know it's not true, but given his history, he may not be so sure. I find it hard to believe that he liked you, had something to drink, and then for absolutely no reason at all decided to send an abusive message followed by silence. Drink makes people more extreme, and more open to external influence, but it doesn't make them change their opinion 180 degrees.

 

It depends if you want to save it, though, or whether you are curious to find out what caused it. Regardless, he'll have to learn (a) to trust you, and (b) what a sensible way to handle the situation in future is (which he hasn't done here), so he's certainly at fault no matter what anyone may have told him. I'd only suggest talking to him to get to the bottom of it, so you can then make an informed decision.

[CarnelianButterfly]

If he's that mean away from you when he's drunk imagine what could happen if he's with you and drunk.

 

There is no excuse for that behavior. Dump him, its not forgivable, even the previous time was an "accident". You don't deserve to worry about this crap.

[Daddy Bear]

It's unlikely that a person who becomes nasty after drinking will be able to modify his behavior without quitting the stuff completely. Nobody deserves to have to put up with that kind of abuse, so I'm afraid I'll have to agree with your friends and the ENA members who are advising you to cut your losses.

[veneratio]

if it isn't the first time, then I'd say let him go. I highly doubt there's anything behind his behavior besides just having a bad personality when he's drunk.

[DizzyDoris]

Thanks guys for all your opinions. I cant sleep properly (second night in a row )

 

Karvala you have an interesting point of view but i really dont think thats the case since in the 5 months we've been dating, ive not met his mates. He's never introduced me to them. And come to think of it he's not met my friends as on several occasions when he has had chance to do so, he has cancelled at the last minute. My daughters birthday being the most recent. At first he tried to say his ex wife refused to let him bring their son along, which i found unlikely. So i called his bluff and said give me her number? I'll call her! Then after some squirming the truth emerged.....he had arranged to go to the football with the boys!

 

Not good really, i think im seeing the bigger picture and am best off cutting my losses here and moving on.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I deal with the same thing weekly with my boyfriend. It's very hurtful and it causes a lot of emtional stress. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and it keeps getting worse. I am so in love with him that I feel like I can't break it off. I feel for you, and what you're going through. I should have cut if off at 5 months. good luck

You still can end it. He's abusing you emotionally. How can you really love some one if they constantly hurt you? How can you feel he loves you when he continues to do that?

[DizzyDoris]

topmybox im sorry your stuck in this rut with your boyfriend. The father of my children used to behave exactly the same. He could be lovely when sober but come the weekend, he would get wasted with his mates and speak to me appallingly,he would never remember saying those things once he sobered up. I put up with that behaviour for 7 years. It hammered my self esteem and put me off dating for 4 years.

 

That is why im not going down that road again with my current boyfriend (or should i say ex boyfriend) He has not been in touch since saturday night, i really thought he would have called or turned up at my door to apologise. I've not heard a thing,and its been 3 days now,that says it all really.

 

If he came back now, i have made my mind up. He's not the man i thought he was and i dont want to be with him anymore.

[Hope75]

I deal with the same thing weekly with my boyfriend. It's very hurtful and it causes a lot of emtional stress. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and it keeps getting worse. I am so in love with him that I feel like I can't break it off. I feel for you, and what you're going through. I should have cut if off at 5 months. good luck

 

I'm confused... I thought you broke up a guy who was abusive to you in October of 2005, as you mentioned in your thread...

 

 

It is not the same guy who did this to you, is it?

[DizzyDoris]

Oh bugger, ive still not heard from my boyfriend and ive just got home from work and theres a valentines card (the post mark says it was posted yesterday) and a note from a florist saying a delivery of flowers has been dropped next door as i was out.

 

Now what do i do? I'd made up my mind it was over, now im confused. My neighbour is out so i havent seen the flowers yet. We still havent spoken about the weekend, does he expect to sweep it under the carpet and forget it? My feelings have changed now after the way he behaved at the weekend, the lovey dovey bubble i was in has popped.

 

Someone tell me i cant get back with him just because he bought me flowers....please?......

 

Im going to call him to say thankyou, after my neighbour comes home, but i have no idea what to say and how i feel now.

[Hope75]

Hi Doris,

 

Yeah... After reading your situation I don't think this is something that a bunch of flowers can fix... do you?

 

It doesn't change or erase all the bad stuff, does it?

 

It's like a guy bringing his gf flowers after beating the heck out of her.... a way to sort of assuage his guilt, but it does nothing for the emotional and physical scars of the women he assaulted.

 

Don't let this sway you-- he is not a good man who is treating you with love and respect.

[Dako]

Don't let him dissuade you from your choice.

 

FTD has flowers for all occasions, but not this one.

[CarnelianButterfly]

To me flowers are an insult. If he doesn't have the guts to come and stand in front of you and apologize he's even more worthless than I thought before. To me that would seal the deal, he's not worth your time.

[DizzyDoris]

My neighbour came round at teatime with a really big gift bag for me, the works...it had roses, chocolates and a heart balloon attatched with a really sweet message on the gift card.

 

I tried to call him to say thankyou, but he never picked up the phone. I cant believe what ive done. I txt him to say thanks for the gifts but it didnt change anything and after saturday, i just dont feel the same anymore. He didnt call me back, but we exchanged several messages. He apologised and said he doesnt even remember what happened! I said whats done is done and wished him the best, and said i think he has issues and isnt over his ex yet. He agreed! We were both civil and ended on a good note (as good as can be)

 

I know in my heart it was over on saturday, but i feel so bad that we "officially" split up on valentines day....even worse that it was by text messaging....and just dreadful that he spent so much money on me.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Sorry it ended like that, but it really sounded like he had a lot of problems that you were getting the brunt of.

 

Its good you were able to split like adults.

[Hope75]

I'm glad that he admitted that he wasn't over the ex and you were able to end things civilly. Him not remembering the nasty words he said to you does not excuse nor discount his behaviour.

 

You are better off without him- and if it hurts too much to look at the flowers toss them out- or give them to a friend.