was it just a hookup?

[carbon]

Hi everyone, I am sort of confused and was hoping someone could help me understand the situation. Sorry for the long post, but I would greatly appreciate any insight/advice.

 

There is a guy I’ve known for about 2 years. We were never really friends but just acquaintances, i.e. we would wave hello when we see each other on campus but never had a real conversation. But this changed about 2 weeks ago, when I saw him at a party and we talked for about an hour. It was nothing major, just friendly chatting. We left the party together and went our separate ways to go home.

 

I saw him again yesterday at a pre-party and we ended up chatting for about 3 hours there. The conversation was great (at least in my opinion). At one point he even played a song for me with his guitar. It’s important to note that he had had 4 beers by that time (I don’t know what his tolerance level was, but he seemed fine).

 

Earlier during our conversation, I had asked him if he were going to the party but he said he was just gonna go home and watch some movies. So after the guitar playing, (everyone had left for the party a long time ago) we were sitting around talking, and somehow the conversation came up that I have a gorgeous view in my apartment. I asked him if he wanted to come check it out and watch a movie. He agreed.

 

So we got to my apartment (which is right on campus) and watched a movie. After the movie ended we were just kinda looking at each other and he didn’t motion to leave, so I suggested we listen to some music. We browsed through my collection, and compiled a playlist together. We listen to music and chatted. It was all very sweet. At one point, while listening to music and talking we ended up making out. Ultimately, our shirts came off, but nothing more. After making out, we just cuddled and went to sleep, pants still on. He left my apt at around 7am this morning. But before he left, he got my number.

 

It’s been the whole day and he hasn’t called.

 

So I’m feeling bad now because I am normally very reserved and don’t get physically intimate with someone outside of an established relationship (I had no intentions more than just hanging out when I invited him to my apt – I know, I might be a little naïve in retrospect).

 

Why hasn’t he called me? Was it just a hookup for him?

 

One caveat in the situation is that while he was playing his guitar earlier in the night, we had made plans to go together to get me a guitar this weekend since I told him I’d always wanted to learn but never got around to buying one. We didn’t make definite plans but he said he’d love to help me pick out a guitar this weekend.

 

So should I call him to see if he wants to go with me tomorrow to get a guitar? If nothing happened between us, I would have no qualms about doing so, but since he hasn’t called me today, does that mean he doesn’t want to pursue anything further with me (granted I know it has been less than 24 hrs)? I would feel kind of hurt if that were the case, since I don’t normally just get physical with someone.

 

Ugh, stupid hormones. If none of this happened, I would just call him as I would a friend and ask about shopping for my guitar tomorrow, but now I feel that if it was just a hookup for him, then I would be too angry/hurt to be friends with him.

[vandgsmom]

Ok... so it has been less than 24 hours since this happened and you are already worried that he hasn't called?

 

CALM DOWN.

 

He may be suffering from the same worrys as you that things went a little faster than intended. Arguably he is a nice guy since he didn't try to push you out of your pants while he spent the night cuddling.

 

Just give him a ring and act as if everything is fine, and let things progress from there. I see no signs from what you said that something is amiss.

[carbon]

Ok... so it has been less than 24 hours since this happened and you are already worried that he hasn't called?

 

CALM DOWN.

 

He may be suffering from the same worrys as you that things went a little faster than intended. Arguably he is a nice guy since he didn't try to push you out of your pants while he spent the night cuddling.

 

Just give him a ring and act as if everything is fine, and let things progress from there. I see no signs from what you said that something is amiss.

 

But would I come off as desperate/clingy/needy if I call him? (I know, I'm probably overthinking this way too much).

[vandgsmom]

No, I don't think so.

 

He cared enough not to push, and to stay cuddled till morning.

There was no weirdness when he left, and you two had discussed plans for the weekend.

 

You are only calling to confirm those plans.

 

That is not needy OR clingy. Now, if he dosen't answer and you hang up on his machine 15 times in the next 4 hours, then Yes, that is clingy... lol

 

You are fine... just don't overthink. Be natural.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

if it were me, i'd just let it go for a few days and see if he calls... you can always get the guitar later...

 

i think if both of you jumped into a bit more intimacy than you planned on what was not really even a planned date (especially if drinking was involved), then you might want to let him digest it for while and see if he does call you back...

 

maybe it was just a hookup, or maybe he does like you enough to want to date you, but doesn't want to rush things.

 

so i'd just wait a few days and see what happens... if he doesn't call you then, you could then call him next week about going for the guitar next weekend, but i would also use the next time you speak to him as an opportunity to see whether he is just pretending like it never happened (i.e., a hookup that he's not interested in pursuing farther)... you can always take it back to being friends again and consider it just getting carried away from too much drinking, unless you really want to date him, in which case you might discuss it with him next time he calls...

[carbon]

Hi vandgsmom, thanks for your advice. I just called but he didn't pick up. I'm not going to read into it, but see if he calls back later.

[Northalius]

But would I come off as desperate/clingy/needy if I call him? (I know, I'm probably overthinking this way too much).

 

Well, what you need to ask yourself, is are you in fact desperate, clingy, needy? Or not? If not, then good.

 

Whatever he takes it as, is his problem to deal with.

 

If you call simply asking to go look for a guitar (which you've already planned to do), it'll take the pressure off of things, I believe. Just leave it at that.

 

And maybe have a little talk about what happened on the ride home from the guitar store (if you go)? Maybe bring up your feelings on the issue of wanting to take your time with the relationship, if you both choose to continue; maybe hold off on the physical activities (heh) for a while until you know the time is right. Openly communicate with him how you feel! It's the best way a good relationship starts and stays stable.

[Batya33]

I totally agree with that advice. From what you said, I think he will call you.

[carbon]

It's too late, I just called him. I'm not really sure if I want to date him, but I would be upset if it were just a hookup without any feelings.

[Batya33]

That's valuable for you to know for next time you are in a situation like that.

[carbon]

Ok, so he didn't call back last night. I'm still going to get my guitar today. Should I call him to ask him to come? I really have no other agenda other than getting the guitar. Of course, I also want to talk about what happened - to let him know that it was very uncharacteristic of me. I don't want that anyone has the wrong impression of me. Ugh, I hate how things are all complicated now because we didn't use better judgment.

[Lansing]

Do NOT call him....

 

You can get a guitar yourself. The staff in the store will be helpfull I am sure or research it on the net first.... Despite what you say, it is an excuse to contact him (or, you are trying to use it as a reason to). He didn't call you back, he might still call you back but if you call again it will send the wrong message to him. Just step back from the situation and let things develop at a more "normal" pace...

[carbon]

Ok he didn't return my call today, so it's been two full days and he hasn't called me at all.

 

I am a little hurt because whatever it is - hookup or not - he should at least be honest with me. His lack of contact makes me feel like he doesn't even care enough as a friend to clarify things. I feel so used (although I know neither of us planned for events to transpire as they did).

 

What would make a guy not call in this situation, besides the obvious of not being interested?

[Batya33]

Being honest sometimes means being silent. After a first date I think it is perfectly acceptable not to call if you don't want a second date or not to return a call unless on the first date you two made specific time and place plans for a second date. The way I've always understood it, silence means disinterest in dating me a second time. I understand you two are friends so that complicates things a bit and yes it would make me question the depth of the friendship.

 

Other reasons he might not call? He met someone else, got back together with an ex, feels awkward that you two hooked up so even if he is interested he is confused about whether he wants a relationship that begins with a hook up (even though he agreed to it), or he already is dating someone/has a girlfriend and is nervous to tell you, he has mediocre interest so if you were interested in hooking up again he might be too.

 

However, I don't think it's fair of you to claim to feel "used" by him. You chose to hook up with him no strings attached - you did not have specific plans to see him again - and he was entitled to assume you were cool with that and it was fine if he didn't call you again. As I mentioned above you now have valuable information about yourself - you don't do well with no strings attached casual hook ups - you get attached and you get expectations of a second date, etc. That's great for you to know if you are in this situation again. Also, hooking up with a friend risks the friendship. You now know that perhaps you shouldn't take that risk next time.

 

I do think it would be rude of him not to call you back about your guitar.

[carbon]

So update..

 

He called me last Monday (after making out on Friday/Sat) and asked if I wanted to hang out the following day or Wed (which was v-day, though I'm not sure he realized that..). But I got sick over the week and wasn't in town for the weekend so we didn't get to hang out until this past Monday.

 

We went to a guitar store together to help me pick a guitar...didn't find one I like. But we came back to one of the practice rooms here in the dorms and I played around with his guitar for a while. We ended up hanging out until about 2am. At one point we got pretty close and he tried to kiss me again, but I moved away and asked him where he thought this was going. He said he didn't know and I told him how I felt bad after it happened the first time. Then the conversation got kindof awkward... At one point I asked him if he thought girls and guys could be just friends, just because I was curious what he thinks. I hope he doesn't get the wrong idea. It's not that I don't want to hang out more...I just want to take the physical stuff slower.

 

I hope he doesn't feel rejected...somehow I get the sense he is the shy type...since when he asked to hang out the first time he called back, he was very shy about asking (this was over the phone).

 

I'm not sure where this is going either but I would like to hang out more. So my question is should I call him or wait for him to call?

[Batya33]

I think you gave him mixed messages- you basically told him you just want to be friends. There's this thing called dating . . . ;-) - dating is two people getting to know each other who are romantically or potentially romantically interested in each other and the pace of physical contact is up to the couple - they can wait weeks to hold hands, wait only one day to kiss, etc. - whatever works. It's fine to ask him his intentions but it sounded a bit vague particularly since you went to that private type room with him which might have sent the message you wanted him to make a pass (another confusing message).

 

Typically, when a man is interested in me and I am not sure what his intentions are I might say "I'd love to go out with you but just so you know, I would like to take things slow - I don't do casual flings." Something like that.

 

Since you called him last time you can wait or you can continue to call him - since you basically told him you just want to be friends it's not as if you're asking him out. When you see him again - face to face - tell him your intentions - that you are interested in dating him and taking things slow in the sex/physical department and see what he says.

 

He really may have been flustered since you fooled around with him when you first hung out with him - in a very casual situation, then called him apparently to ask him out, then went to a private type room and then pulled away when he tried something and asked if he believed in men and women being friends. Whew! (usually I would say that the non-committal answer on his part was a "just not that interested" but it sounds like you made his head spin).

[carbon]

Wow, I didn't realize I was giving such mixed signals. I'm so new to this dating thing. With my previous two ex's, it was just straight to relationship. However, the mixed signaling is completely unintentional, as I'm genuinely interested in learning the guitar (this is how we got talking at first) and so the place to learn is in a practice room. I didn't think anything of that at all. About the making out, it was a heat-of-the-moment type thing...when two bodies get close, it's hard to refrain if you haven't pre-meditated on the idea.

 

I don't know if I have the courage to flat out say I want to date him, since I don't know if he feels the same.

[Batya33]

Well, you made a choice to hook up with him - I have been in many similar situations and there is always a choice - sometimes I made your choice and sometimes I made a different choice if I thought it would risk harming the chances at a serious long term relationship -- so I held off until we were officially dating. I think you need to take responsibility for your actions and your choices - I am not criticizing those actions or choices but questioning your analysis that "it just happened."

 

Basically, you decide what you want. If you want to be just friends, then sure call him to hang out. But be honest with yourself - if you want to date him, then at this point if you don't tell him that he will assume that you simply wanted to hook up with him that one time, thought about doing it again and then changed your mind for whatever reason unknown to him. Usually I would advise a woman to wait for the man to initiate dating but since you decided to hook up with him and then do the initiating with the phone call, be consistent and continue to do that. If you are not willing to ask him whether he wants to date you, and you have romantic feelings for him I would not try to "just be friends" because that will be too confusing.

[carbon]

I am interested in dating him. I just don't know if he is..and I don't want him to know that I am interested if he's not as that would put me in a vulnerable position.

 

How can I tell if he's interested? He might already think I only see him as a friend, in which case if I ask him to hang out, he might think I'm only asking as a friend.

[Batya33]

Well, it's going to be a bit harder to tell because of the environment you created by hanging out/hooking up, then asking him out, then pulling away. Given your choices and the probable result of them (i.e. he is confused), if you don't wish to put yourself in the vulnerable position of asking him it is quite likely you will never know.

[carbon]

Hey Batya33, thanks for all your advice. I see what you mean. What I'm worried about is that he only agreed to go guitar shopping with me because he thought it would lead to another hookup...(and he did try to kiss me again..) or he was just being nice/ felt sorry for the hookup, or he just likes checking out guitars (actually, I do know for sure that he likes doing that).

 

But you're right. I guess I will never know unless I clear things up. How do I go about initiating such a conversation?

[Batya33]

Here is how I did it (4 years ago this was)

 

"Hey - I just wanted you to know that flings are not my style and are not my style with you."

 

Now, in your case, you might also have to say "that first night was an aberration for me -- I felt uncomfortable with the impression I might have given you."

 

In my case, his response was that he wanted to take things slow and he understood. We dated for 4.5 months (he was the type who was into flings, etc which is why I said that).

[carbon]

For the past two Fridays we've hung out in my apt. The conversation was never conducive for my asking about us dating since we genuinely have a good time hanging out and I hate to disrupt good conversation. Nothing physical has happened both times except hugging at the end of the nights.

 

So I'm still worried he thinks I'm only interested in a friendship. Should I pop the question the next time we hang our or allow things to progress naturally as they are? However, I'm afraid he'll never make a move since I told him I felt bad about the inital hookup.

 

Would he keep agreeing to hang out if he weren't interested?

[Batya33]

To me - in my age group (late 20s and up) "hanging out" is not the same as dating. Dating - early on - is when the man asks the woman out in advance for a date he has planned or he has several suggestions on what activities to do. Later on, the woman calls as well and suggests plans.

 

I don't buy in the least that you didn't want to ask for fear of disrupting good conversation - you were too scared to rock the boat, basically - am I right - you prioritized settling for having time with him even if just hanging out at your place rather than risk him rejecting you or getting awkward if you asked where you stood.

 

If I wanted to date someone I always rocked the boat - I wanted to know ASAP where we stood - I would not accept an invitation to "hang out" more than once if I wanted to date the guy without asking the pertinent questions. If I wasn't interested in dating yet I would wait and see what was going on. It all depends on your priorities but it is a little foolish to self-deceive and say "well it just didn't come up and I didn't want to stop all the fun." I really doubt that was the reason.

 

Your behavior reflects to him that you are fine with him putting in no effort to date you - you're fine just hanging out in your apartment - and I bet it's not where he calls you in advance, with enthusiasm, and says "hey - I can't wait to see you this weekend - when are you free and what would you like to do? I have some suggestions?" If that happened and you said "is it ok if we just hang out at my place" then, sure, I guess hanging out is appropriate.

 

You've given a first impression - reinforced by your behavior - that hanging out is fine with you. It's difficult to go from that to dating or being more than friends. It also results in a role reversal - you didn't allow him to court you, so now he assumes you two are just friends and he of course is not going to make a move even if he is interested in more. It's why I don't suggest sending these types of mixed messages. He might be interested in more, he might be interested in just hanging out, he might be bored with nothing better to do than hang out - we don't know at this point.

 

I guess I would ask him where you stand but to be honest I've never been in that situation so I'm not sure how one would go about it. The other option is to decline last minute plans to hang out saying "thanks but I have other plans - if you'd like to make plans to go out some time, feel free to call me." That sounds a bit awkward since you already established by your behavior that you were fine with just hanging out at your place.

[finewhine]

This is complicated because you are an all-or-nothing kind of girl: you want to date him, be his girlfriend, or remain his friend, nothing in between. No murky college FWB for you!

 

This is fine and respectable, etc., but I'm thinking back to college, and I never "dated" in the way that Batya described. It was hanging out and hooking up. My boyfriend was the guy that I went home with at the end of the night. I wasn't a skank or anything - I was only with two guys exlusively during college (hooked up with a couple more) - but there was never any "dating," just pairing off after being in a group. Sometimes, my boyfriend and I would go to the bar. Or to McDonald's. He bought me flowers a couple times. And my other girlfriends didn't get much more.

 

Hence, it stands to reason that you usually do dating backwards in college: you hang out, hook up, and see if they stick. If this isn't what you want to do, I don't quite know what to tell you. Just know, though, that that's typically how things work, so that's probably the principle your crush is working under.

 

I think you would have to have a little heart-to-heart with him in order to effect a change. I wouldn't worry too much about it, since people in college are emotional/hormonal wrecks anyway.

 

Try something like, "I've been kind of freaked out since we hooked up, not because I don't like you, but because I just don't hook up with people. What's going on with you?"

 

Unless he's a total, um, dummy (which he's totally entitled to be in college), he'll understand that you like him but can't merely hook up with him. You just have to weigh the potential outcomes:

 

a) He'll want to be your boyfriend

b) He won't want to be your boyfriend - would this ruin your friendship?

 

If b, then you have to figure out how much you value the friendship.

 

Then take the plunge. Or don't.