Break-up despite love...

[danina]

Hi everybody!

Here I am, having my first major break-up cause it was the first time I really loved a guy and had a serious relationship and yet it was all so unfair from the start.

Ok, I'll try to make sense: I met him about 2 1/2 years ago when I was abroad for uni for half a year. (I am from Europe, he is from Australia). We had such a good time that I decided to fight for this relationship and I came back to him again for another stay and said, after I finish university, I'm gonna try and see if I could live with him. I felt like I had to try and I wanted it so bad, but I was also insecure cause I have a deep connection with my home country, my family, my friends. Last summer, I went to Australia and it didnt start very well. I struggled to find a job and suddenly felt so out of place and alone and became just moody, depressed, homesick and couldn't get out of it. I got worse and worse and the pressure of having to make such a big decision wore me out. I was so scared cause I could feel it coming that I might have to say that I can't live there and be happy. And I need to be happy to make him happy. I just felt like a fish out of water and flew home in order to sort myself out. i planned to come back but i just couldn't. I decided to tell him - for now- I can't come back or it would all start again and sooner or later we would fight and ruin ourselves and everything we had. Of course he could see it coming. But it is so tough now cause we still love each other, of course.

I just felt like I could not live there without being miserable and neither of us want that. And he knows he can't leave his life behind.

But now I miss him so so much it is killing me. I can't imagine my life without him now. i don't know what to do here, everything seems pointless without him. Of course i question my decision...although I know, at the time, it was my only option. The thought of going back there where I have felt so unwell made me feel like I would collapse. But of course, now that I feel i have lost him, I just don't know what to do. We have still been talking on the phone and have so much love for each other although I gotta give him some space now. I just fear I can't let go! I still had all these crazy ideas about how it could work out. And now i think that maybe I would be ready for it in a few months time..and so on.

i know i am only lying to myself, but this thought that not everything is lost keeps me somehow alive.

I have never really loved a guy before, so he is my first love and how tragic it has to be this way! I know in an ideal world, soemone you love should be enough to be aynwhere, but i know i need more. i need to feel safe and at home and i need my own life, as well.

I am so scared that I won't get over him and will hat me for this decision for the rest of my life...And just knowing that I will feel this sad and desperate and heartbroken for a long time (while trying to start a new life here) is just so unbearable.

Sorry, for all the ranting...Any advice, opinions, anyone been in a similar situation?

Thank you very much for reading!!!

[DN]

This may be an obvious question but would it be possible for him to move to be with you?

 

I understand how difficult this has been for you. I emigrated from England to Canada (my wife is Canadian). The first while was difficult but as I became more settled it gradually got easier. Now that I have lived here for many years and have Canadian children and grandchildren I know that this is my home - because home is where your family is and once you marry and have children they become your 'primary' family.

 

If you should decide to go back I could help with some suggestions about how to become more comfortable over there.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Have you think of having a long distance relationship (LDR) first before either one of you could find a job to the partner country?

 

LDR is another option. Consider it.

[danina]

Thank you for your replies!

@DN: No, he couldn't. He said ti from the start and I know he would be as misarable as me over there...maybe even worse. He would be lost, totally lost. He has his whole existence in Australia, doesn't speak the language, couldn't find a job...it just wouldn't work.

@Guest12345678: we had this LDR before and he was always so clar about what he wanted. He wanted to plan a life with me, build a home..and now that i said I couldn't, he just can't keep waiting and do this back and forth thing...which I gotta understand. It is killing him that he has no choice in the whole thing. And the problem is not just finding a job, it really is that I thought I could to leave everything behind and live in a country where I feel out of place. If it was any other European country, it would be a different story, but Australia-Europe ist just such a big step...

 

I don't want to think: maybe I will be ready in a while and try again, cause that would be so tough on him cause he would just wait for me to get hoemsick and leave again. And I don't know if I could handle the pressure. BUt I just can't get the thought out of my head, I just can't accept that I lost him.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

First and foremost is, both of you always has a choice. Whatever the situation, you could face it positively or negatively. The choice is yours.

 

DN is the real life example of surviving through LDR and move in together.

 

Europe and other Europe country is same as Europe and Australia. There is still a distance gap exist. It is all in your mind that make it more difficult.

 

I had been in a LDR before, but unfortunately our relationship did not work out.

 

My question is, why you could cope with the 4 years university life and complete your studies in Australia, and now you are home sick and unable to stay any longer?

 

Is it in your mind that you will forever in Australia and not able to go back to Europe?

 

I don't know about the immigration and job employment rule in Australia, but I do know that if you are a doctor or engineer you have higher chances of getting employ in any country.

 

Perphaps, your boy friend know someone, who would willing to employ you and willing to apply the work permit for you.

 

I believe your boy friend has a major role in helping you to adapt to the new environment. And you have the responsibility to adapt to the new life. You need to build a network of friend to help and support you. Besides your boy friend, I am sure that you have some australian university friends. Don't evolve your world around your boy friend, because everyone need some space. Don't depend on others, including your boy friend to make you happy because it is not their responsibility.

 

Now we have high technology communication tools, we have webcam, email and Skype. It makes it easy to contact person from the other side of the world without high cost. You could reduce your home sickness through this communication tools.

 

The obstacles are all in your mind, unless you are financially restrain.

[danina]

Europe and other Europe country is same as Europe and Australia

 

Well, to me there IS a difference. First of all, the distance does play a role to me. Within Europe you could always fly home for a few days if necessary! Where as from Australia it is just not possible. Every trip home would have to be planned. If something happened with my family etc i could not just hop on a plane and be there. I know it is a big "mental" barrier for me, but it is! Plus, it is a feeling of belongin somewhere. Of course every country in Europe is different, but it is my "home continent". I miss old buildings, big houses made of stone, the climate...Might sound weird, but all these factors played a role that I felt so lost in Australia. It is a whole different world and it makes such a difference if you go there for a holiday or longer stay OR if you think "this should be my home now..".

My question is, why you could cope with the 4 years university life and complete your studies in Australia, and now you are home sick and unable to stay any longer

I didn't go to university in Australia. I just went there for an exchange term. So completely different situation.

Is it in your mind that you will forever in Australia and not able to go back to Europe

YES! My boyfriend (like I wrote before) has always been honest about his plans of building a life together. I know I am also scared of a big commitment, at all. i don't even know if I could promise marriage and all to him if he was here...I am sure all this pressure and knowledge scared me so much and so i felt trapped. But now that I have lost him, I think in the other direction, of course and can't stop thinking: "or could I do it? Why not marry.." and so on...

Finding a job would be a problem (as I have already encountered..), but would somehow work out maybe sooner or later. As I said, it is more the fact of feeling that you have lost your roots..being a stranger, speaking another language all the time...all these factors obviously matter to me.

And on top of it all, i can't expect him to wait for me until I make up my mind...

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Yes, you will felt cultural shock. But I believe there would have expatriate community in Australia. There would be people from Europe staying there speaking the same language. You could also talk to your europe friend in your native language through msn webcam.

 

It is no doubt it is a big step for you.

 

You could plan to visit your family on quaterly or yearly basis. Or more frequent basis, if money is not a problem to you.

 

I understand finding work is not easy for you, because I had the similar experience. However, it takes time. It might be easier if you know someone.

 

Though through marriage, give you the right to stay in Australia. However, it is not advisable based on the lenght of time you know each other. Both of you need to adjust and adapt to each other different up bringing. This is the most interesting part of all. Learning minor things that sounds perfectly ridiculous to you but it is perfectly normal to him and vice versa.

 

Only marry when both of you are sure about each other and have the commitment to build a life together.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

There is no doubt that we could not change the climate. But the old buildings and big houses will change and replace through development and time.

 

My old school is not same as it was 10 years ago. New building has come along and my old classroom in a 2 storey building was abolished and replace with a new 4 storey building with new equipment like microphone, overhead projector and etc. Some of my school teacher retired and some passed away. The point is things will change. Nothing will be the same even though you live in the same town.

 

Why you couldn't hope in plane right away when you are in Australia as compare to in other Europe country?

 

There is weekly, if not daily, direct flight to Europe. Every worker is entitle to emergency or compasionate leave if they have family emergency. Unless you encounter monetary issues, else I do not see there is anything stopping you from going home.

[danina]

But the old buildings and big houses will change and replace through development and time.

 

I am just generally talking about how places "feel" and look to me. Different countries=different style of environment=different atmosphere= different feelings...

 

There is weekly, if not daily, direct flight to Europe. Every worker is entitle to emergency or compasionate leave if they have family emergency. Unless you encounter monetary issues, else I do not see there is anything stopping you from going home.

Of course there are daily flights to Europe, and yes, maybe in an ermgency I could hop on aplane, but not just during the year whenever I feel like visiting someone, for other occasion, birthdays etc... Unless i become very very rich, which would be great but I can't rely on it...

 

I appreciate your pragmatic view and you make it sound like there is really no problem, but all I can tell you is I have been there and tried and felt homesick and lost and out of place.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Frankly, I feel that you already given up on the relationship.

 

Well, seems that you already have an answer in your mind.

 

Do whatever you think is right for you.

[savoie]

i moved 3000 miles to be with my bf several years ago. almost identical to your experience. i was miserable. i loved him but couldn't find a job - very remote area- and culturally very different from the way i was raised.....and we were in the same country!

 

he and i are still very close to this day. he couldn't relocate because he had a business that could not be moved.

 

it was one of the most difficult life experiences for me - getting over him. i loved him so much but we were tied to our work and/or families.

 

don't do what i did and drag it on for years. i wish for both of our sakes i had made the decision to accept that i would never be able to raise a family there - so far from everything i have ever known and most importantly so far from my family.

 

sorry you are going through this. it is a heartbreak that most don't understand.

[danina]

Thank you Savoie,

feels good to hear from someone who has been through the same. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one (I know I am not, especialy theses days, but still) who has tha kind of break-up. You are bascially "mates" with your ex-boyfriend? I would love to be able to be mates with mine, and I think we both could. That would really help me, at least when I think about it now.

You are right, it is a heartbreak that is maybe hard to understand from the outside cause normally one would think "if yo really love someone, it doesnt matter where you are.." etc. But like you said, it plays such a big role how you feel and what you know and how you have been raised.

And I just had the fear that I would spiral down and fell worse and worse there and thus make him unhappy. Cause what a bruden is it for him when he has the woman he wants to lvie with, but she is miserable and just hangsin there?

These were my thoughts when I finally decided to end this (for now..??).

But, of course, I am just thinking about him and if i did was wrong and if maybe things would have changed if I was there now and that now I know how much I am missing him...

I can't think of anything else. All these memories are so painful. I guess I don't have to explain it to anyone cause we all know what it feels like.

[savoie]

yes - we are still good friends. we talk and have a been a big support for each other since we finally split. we both have moved on but he will always have a special place in my heart.

 

its sounds like you are handling this much better than i did. when i came back, i struggled for some time attempting to convince myself that i could live there. it wasn't fair to him or to me - because it would never happen. it felt like an unfair life decision that i had to choose between him and my life as i had always known it. i have a very close family and friendships that are very special to me. things that you cannot replace. i didn't want to live 3000miles from my parents as they age. i want to be there to support them in their later years - and would not be able to physically do that from there - that would have left me completely torn and miserable.

 

where he lives is truly magical - beautiful, peaceful - but i felt like he was the only thing there for me..........and that wasn't going to change.

 

your reasons may be different from mine - but if you know in your gut that it isn't right for you live there, now or in the future, then you have to listen to that.

 

as for others judging the love between you - don't even engage in the conversation with them. people like that don't seem to know what love is anyway.

[danina]

yes - we are still good friends. we talk and have a been a big support for each other since we finally split. we both have moved on but he will always have a special place in my heart.

That's great, and that's what i would wish for him and me, too. And it comforst me that it IS possible.

its sounds like you are handling this much better than i did. when i came back, i struggled for some time attempting to convince myself that i could live there. it wasn't fair to him or to me - because it would never happen.

Same here! Really...I am the one now who still has unrealistic hopes and you can't let go and I think to myself "maybe not now, but eventually I will be ready.." and things like that. And he has to be the sensible one and says "don't do this to me, I can't wait forever"...

But I can't help these thoughts, as much as I try to fight it, I just can't. So I am not handling this well at all. I have made a decision but i am so scared it was the wrong one, and I gave up the love of my life, I haven't tried hard enough, didn't give myself enough time....all these doubts. And I am so scared that they will always be with me.

I miss him so so so much! And yet, when I was still with him in Australia, I couldn't enjoy everything 100%. Not because I didn't love him, but because I was already kind of heartbroken, thinking about what it would be like to lose him. Sounds weird, i know, but there were already so mayn things going on in me.

i have a very close family and friendships that are very special to me. things that you cannot replace. i didn't want to live 3000miles from my parents as they age. i want to be there to support them in their later years

Me too! Exact same reasons. Just the thought of not being able to see my parents/family/friends whenever I wanted to, made me feel homesick and trapped.

I am just so desperate now, cause here I am again, on my own, gotta start here all over again, missing him like crazy. Always wondering if I did the wrong thing.

And I am so sad and angry that I put myself in this situation/ this had to happen to me.

[savoie]

this is by far one of the most difficult situations that i have ever experienced in a break up - including when another boyfriend died. you both love each other. in every other sense you feel that he completes you. you have no easy reason to get him or the wonderful experiences out of your mind. he is there - all you have to do is change your mind about where you want to live right? i kept asking myself why i had to make the choice - between him and my life here. heartbreak beyond belief.

 

trust me - i know - it took me 2 1/2 long painful sad years. i couldn't date anyone else because of my feelings for him. i cried and cried and cried. we even discussed the possibility of two residences - but careers would not allow for that at present......and when, if, children came along that would impact floating between residences.

 

my biggest mistake in all of this was as much as i told myself how compatible and perfect we were for each other - the reality was we were not compatible. he is tied to where he lives and i am tied to where i live. that is a signficant problem. while our values are the same - they cannot be blended. we both cannot achieve what we value in life and be together. it is a crushing blow - i know. but if you sacrifice what you value to be with another - you will only end up resentful.

[danina]

Your words are so true, but it is such a horrible heartbreak and it is so unfair!

I had all these ideas about lieving here and there, but he is the one now how faces the truth: it is not possible.

But my life feels so empty and meaningless without him here that I still think maybe I can't be happy here without him...

And everything I was missing so much when I was there - my friends and family, feeling at home, speaking my own language, etc. - becomes so meaningless now.

I am so desperate and scared. I didn't want to be one of those people with such a tragic story and a big scar in their heart (I know I am being stupid now...no one wants aynthing bad happening to them and yet it happens and i know there are worse things in life...). I was always in control of my life and a relatively carefree person that could enjoy things. And now I am just a mess and it freaks me out that I will be like that for a long time.

I make my parents sad with all my misery, I can't enjoy going out with my friends now (although I wanted them back and now I have them..), I gotta find a job here and have no energy for it. this is not me!

You said it took you 2 1/2 years? The thought of feeling like I do now for even "only" a year is just not bearable...

[savoie]

the pain was 2 1/2 years because i chose not to let go - i chose to not make a decision. i was stuck. i spent that time determined to find a way to make it work. it was agonizing. as much as i missed him and hope for a life together, i knew that i would equally miss my life here if i was there.

 

not everyone values what i value. i am not trying to impose those values on you. but it sounds like it is a significant issue for you. take whatever time it is you need to make sure that you have made the right decision for yourself. but if i have any advice for you at all, i would say to try to focus on the reasons that you were unhappy while you were there. do you see those things changing? do you see yourself accepting these things that you are resisting? can you leave your life behind without regret?

[danina]

not everyone values what i value. i am not trying to impose those values on you. but it sounds like it is a significant issue for you.

It definitely is a significant value. I knew I was someone with a strong connection to home, but it didn't know it was that strong...I think the matter of how "reachable" my family and friends are, is also so important. And I knew I was sensitive to "place", e.g. how things look, how familiar I feel, but I was even more sensitive than I thought.

It is so hard to explain how "wrong" I felt there. All these places I used to like and think that they were charming/exciting/different/nice...were almost threatening. My feelings were beyond rationality and I wondered why being with the man I love doesn't make it easier...but like I said, I already had this heartache as if I knew I couldn't keep him. Does that make sense?

but if i have any advice for you at all, i would say to try to focus on the reasons that you were unhappy while you were there. do you see those things changing?

I want to, but right now (10 days after the break-up, that is me not coming back for now) it doesn't help. Maybe it is still to early. I am just so sad and devastated that friends and family can't cheer me up really.

And I can't and don't want to make another decision now, in this state. IF, if I ever try to consider going there again, I would have to be in a good condition...(plus, I can't expect him to wait for me forever. He is heartbroken too but he needs to deal with it somehow) i can't arrive there now, as a crying mess still confused about everything that has happened. I guess it would start all over again.

I just fear that I will never be happy where I am cause I will always miss something. Right now, i just don't know what I want and what makes me happy again.

[savoie]

"My feelings were beyond rationality and I wondered why being with the man I love doesn't make it easier...but like I said, I already had this heartache as if I knew I couldn't keep him. Does that make sense?"

 

yes it makes sense - but loving him does not change significant values for you. it doesn't mean you don't love him enough - there are things in life where love alone is not enough and this is one of them! but when you really look at it - it is about love - love for others in your life. being with him doesn't allow the balance you want.

 

"I just fear that I will never be happy where I am cause I will always miss something. Right now, i just don't know what I want and what makes me happy again."

 

That is where i was - why do we have to choose??!! It really is unfair.

 

This is still very new for you. It is OK that you are taking this time for yourself. Better to feel it through and not make rash decisions - this is a big one. But please learn from my mistake. When you are ready - be honest with yourself and with him. Don't stay stuck. Once you decide to walk away or try again - stick with it. Don't debate the issue.

 

If you do decide to let go - get some support. Therapy is likely a good idea. By all means - don't isolate yourself after the decision has been made.

 

I wish there was something to take away the pain in what you are going through. I know how you feel. I know how it hurts. It may seem impossible right now but you will get past this with or without him. You will be happy again.

[danina]

Thank you so much for all your replies, i really appreciate it. Since it is a special kind of break-up and love situation and not many people have experienced it (and no one I know), it feels good to hear from someone who has been there!

When you are ready - be honest with yourself and with him. Don't stay stuck. Once you decide to walk away or try again - stick with it. Don't debate the issue.

The thing is, I thought I had made my decision and I had already known that this was going to be my decision while I was there with him and it was just a matter of admitting it in front of myself, of letting it come to the surface and not fighting it anymore ( I was fighting so much with myself and this conflict, it really made me weak and fragile and I arrived back home in a horrible condition). Well, so I made it and i wish I could live with it now. And i don't know if all my hopes and thoughts of "maybe I will be ready eventually" are just for now cause this is so new and I am here now without a life, a routine to get back, and cause i am scared of being alone etc. or because it becomes clear to me that he is more important???

i guess I can only wait and see what time does for me.

Plus, if I did decide I wanna be with him andcan overcome everyting else, I don't know if I could stand the pressure of "this time it HAS to work"...

I guess this is all to fresh to think about all these things.

i promised him to give him some space for now. He will keep touch and let me know how he is, but I promised not to email or call him and mention my hopes cause it is just killing and confusing him even more.

[savoie]

you are going through the grieving period. it is normal what you are feeling. you are going to second guess your decisions along the way. it sounds like you have only recently returned. that is terribly draining.

 

don't be too hard on yourself. let yourself feel what you need to feel - don't deny it. but at some point you will need to push yourself back into life. see your family, see your friends, go to the gym, do the thing you like to do. baby steps. it will feel forced in the beginning - sometimes getting out of bed is. it is easy to find comfort in our misery! but if you find yourself doing that - you know its time for a change. a big change.

 

this is why i suggest professional help........sometimes it gives you the inspiration you need to get on with your life.

[danina]

it sounds like you have only recently returned. that is terribly draining

Yes, I decided that I could not go back to him 10 days ago. I am at my parents (cause I have no "life" here, no apartment, no job, cause I hope to get that over there with him) at the moment which is sort of "safety" but I know I need to get my own life asap.

I am going for a walk very day, see some friends that are here (a lot of them live in different cities, as well), try to write applications for jobs..but it is all so difficult and requires so much energy. And of course it is all forced for now. Nothing can really take away the focus from my misery. I can't even watch a whole movie cause i can't really get into it.

I know I am being way too impatient with myself. I want to see progress...and I know I can't count in days. But i have always been impatient, wanting too much too soon.

I find the evenings especially dreadful.. Although it is draining all the time, it doesn't really matter.

I just feel so lonely now, not just cause he is not with me, but also cause I feel so alone with my grief. everyone is there for me, but still you gotta go through it on your own.

You have my full respect for getting through all this!

And I guess you know how you always think "other people may have made it, maybe they are stronger than me"...

[savoie]

you know what got me through it? it wasn't strength. it was time and falling in love again. sadly that breakup a month ago is why i am on this board.

 

but i know that i can feel love again! i don't know what will come of this recent split. the circumstances are quite different. but this time - i took a position on something i value. it is up to him to decide if our values are the same - it has to do with partying. off topic!

 

these two relationships have taught me two important things - 1. i can love again! 2. don't prolong an important relationship decision. when you know what you have to do - do it. don't wallow in it.

 

i too stayed with my parents when i returned - without work, depressed, uncertain about so many things.

 

but look at it this way. you have a clean slate. everything now is new. new job, new place to live, new people in your life. you have alot to look forward to - when you are ready for the next chapter of your life.

[danina]

I am sorry you just had a break-up. And I appreciate it even more that you are comforting me here...

2. don't prolong an important relationship decision. when you know what you have to do - do it. don't wallow in it.

very true, but I just feel like i don't know what I have to do anymore...I thought I did what I had to do and that this decision has been in me for a long time. When I am honest, I was always scared of how I would cope and how things would work out, right from the start when I decided that I would come back for him and give it a go. And of course i wanted it and felt that I have to do it, for me, for him, for us...Anyway, I just don't know what's right or wrong for me anymore and what feels right and how I know.

Cause being here sure doesn't feel good now, how can it..?

Suddenly I miss everything about there! It is ridiculous. I start gloryfying, thinking "it wasn't that bad, I didn't feel that lost". At least I had him...

new job, new place to live, new people in your life. you have alot to look forward to - when you are ready for the next chapter of your life

I know, but right now i couldn't care less about any of these. I am sure this is a normal reaction, but I am so not interested in meeting new people now. I have only him in my mind, miss even his friends.

I wish I could see the positive and look forward to a new life, but right now I just can't. And of course I can't imagine to love again.

he was my first real love.This is my first heartache and what a big one for a starter...

I wish I could trust myself and think "you are strong, you will get through this", but the last few months in Australia where I have been sad, miserable and fragile have also made me lose trust in my own strengh.

[savoie]

"don't prolong an important relationship decision. when you know what you have to do - do it. don't wallow in it."

 

what i was really referencing here is the fact that i wallowed in indecisiveness for 2 1/2 years! i think that wallowing in "feelings" after a decision to break up is normal - for a period of time.

 

in many ways, my life with him was magical and easy to idealize in the way that you are. you feel pain now as you felt there - so it is easy to put all the good things on a pedestal. but try to balance that - or you will find yourself gripping to a fantasy that really doesn't exist. those good things were there - but there was pain and sadness for you too. you have to remember that while sorting all of this out.

 

"I wish I could trust myself and think "you are strong, you will get through this", but the last few months in Australia where I have been sad, miserable and fragile have also made me lose trust in my own strengh."

listen - a weak person would have stayed in a situation they are unhappy with. a weak person would have blamed the other for her sacrifices. a weak person would not have been honest with herself or her partner.

 

you are stronger than you think you are. you have character, integrity and genuinly feel and care for other people. your decision was not just for you - it was for all the people that you love. you are doing what you feel is right - and sometimes that is the hardest road to take. just because you are struggling with this tremendous sense of loss - does not make a weak person. you are facing it. you are not denying it. you are seeing it for what it is. i wish you would see that in yourself.