Break-up despite love...

[danina]

Thank you Savoie, for your really kind words.

your decision was not just for you - it was for all the people that you love. you are doing what you feel is right - and sometimes that is the hardest road to take

I even thought, as bizarre as it may sound, that I did it for him, as well. In order not to make it all worse and ruin our relationship with accusations, fights and all. In order not to ruin what we had...in order not to be a burden for him, not to make him feel guilty about my misery.

He could see it coming, but still he didn't have a choice, I wasn't there...I had to let him know I couldn't come back for now. Cause I couldn't. I really thought I wouldn't be able to deal with it physically, I wouldn't make this long flight back and forth just to leave him. I would have collapsed (we both would have) at the airport sooner or later. And I wanted to save us from such a horrible situation.

those good things were there - but there was pain and sadness for you too. you have to remember that while sorting all of this out

I try to remember it. But it was a different pain, different sadness, of course.

I wish I knew what happened to me there...well, I know, but i wish I could clear all this out, throw away all the sorrow, all the sadness, the tension and everything that has been there for the last few months and forget about it and just feel "normal" again. You know when you feel like you want to jump out of your skin or peel it off and just get back some joy and carefreeness...

 

There is another thing I noticed which showed me how this conflict has always worried me.

When I came back from my first stay, fresh in love with him (and had just decided a few days before I left, that I would give it a go and come back for 2 months in a few months time when university allows me to), I had a really rough patch for the first time in my life. I felt a certain sense of tension and had trouble relaxing and concentrating on uni, instead felt uneasy for a while. I went to a therapist and she "blamed" it on missing him plus the pressure of having to finish university. I recovered quite fast and everything was ok, but now I know that it was the fear of what might come with that relationship, the fear of the decision I would have to make one day...It is so obvious but i only just saw it 2 months ago!

[savoie]

that doesn't sound bizarre at all. i was commenting on the fact that you mentioned previously in the thread - that his happiness was a big factor in your decision.......as well as your family and friends.

 

as for your feelings preceding your move to australia - i had those too. particularly the month before i left. while my main emotion was excitement - there was alot of anxiety too. but i never imagined the loneliness that i encountered while i was there.

 

try not to do the "what if" scenario in your mind. it is ok to replay things in your mind when we make mistakes - to learn from them. but you will drive yourself crazy thinking "what if" instead of "what is".

 

i know you feel bad for yourself and for his pain too. but - hopefully he acknowledges all that you tried for him. hopefully you reach a point where you are comfortable that you did your best and that it wasn't a situation that you could be content with. i stressed over and over to my bf at that time - it is not you. you did nothing wrong. you were not responsible for my unhappiness. it was too much of a sacrifice. it was too hard. i think telling him that helped him........and i know his knowing that helped me.

[danina]

i stressed over and over to my bf at that time - it is not you. you did nothing wrong. you were not responsible for my unhappiness. it was too much of a sacrifice. it was too hard. i think telling him that helped him........and i know his knowing that helped me.

Yep! I did it all the time while I was there, crying, being a mess. And I know that he does know it somehow, but still he couldn't help but think that he couldn't make me happy. He knows he has done nothing wrong, he knows, but he still feels that he could not make me happy. But he could not leave behind what he has, so the same applies for him. I alone couldn't make him happy. The only difference is that he knew it straight away and hasn't tried, and I did.

Someone said to me something like "when lovers have to part but still love each other, it burns clean" meaning it leaves no ashes, no dirt. I like the idea, and the fact that you are still close with your ex-bf gives me so much hope. i just don't want to lose him! We both know that we will always be in each others hearts...

Savoie, I can't thank you enough for reading all my ranting and answering so elaborately!

As I said, I have many people here to talk to, but no one has had the same experience.

Suddenly I understand all the love songs, all the other people crying about heartbreak...Suddenly I am one of them!

[savoie]

one other thing that i want to comment on that you mentioned. you said: "And everything I was missing so much when I was there - my friends and family, feeling at home, speaking my own language, etc. - becomes so meaningless now."

 

i felt this too. when i returned. but the reality was that - it isn't meaningless -they are still important to you but the feeling is clouded by the fact that you miss HIM now.....and it is different - because in order to be near your family and friends - you must give up the relationship with him all together. in order to be with him - you need to give up frequent togetherness with your family and friends.

 

its harder on this end in the short term......until you move on. (assuming you would never get used to the fact living so far from your family and friends)

[savoie]

im glad that i could share my experience with you. be kind to yourself. you didn't make a mistake. you tried and it sounds like the relationship was worthy of that effort. give yourself time before entering into a friendship with him. make sure that motives on both your parts are understood.

 

and yes - this is what love songs and love stories are all about and real love stories never have endings. those who touch our hearts in that way - stay with us our entire lives - in a good way.

[DN]

Someone else alluded to this earlier but I wanted to express my concern as well.

 

One thing I have learned in life is that very little ever stays the same. Our lives are always changing - sometimes with bewildering speed, at other times imperceptibly. When I look back at my life in England before I got married I would never have thought that I would end up in Canada with a long-term marriage, two daughters and two grandchildren. And the thought that I might have missed all that because I was homesick fills me with gladness that I did not.

 

The neighbourhoods in which I grew up are very different now, the friends I had have moved on with their lives and my parents have passed away. I only have a sister there now (other than cousins) and we speak on the phone and visit.

 

But my home is where my family is - it is the place I am safe and loved and am most comfortable.

 

I have fond memories and some nostalgia for those times, those people and those places. But I have no regrets.

 

I hope when you reach my age that you can say the same thing.

[danina]

they are still important to you but the feeling is clouded by the fact that you miss HIM now.....

I know, they are not meaningless, and I have so much support and it breaks my heart that my parents suffer so much with me (my mum is crying, too), but yes, everything is clouded by missing him so much.

And once again, I don't know if this is the natural "pedestal"-stage or if it really tells me that I can't live without him. The thing is, I have no comparison, cause I never had a serious relationship before, never was emotionally this involved.

I just think to myself (and I might be fooling myself or being unrealistic about it, but if it helps me know I accept it instead of trying to fight these thouhts):

if the missing-him is still so bad in xy time (haven't thought about the "ultimatum"), I will have to go back!

It comforts me for now somehow, so it is allowed...

[savoie]

i thought about that long and hard DN. for me - i was miserable living where i was without the closeness and support that i give and receive from my family and friends. i tried for over a year. i know there are many, many people who can do this - but i was not one of them. i had to live in the present not what might happen in the future.......because we never know what that will hold.

 

i am not sure about danina - but i most definitely believe that is something that should factor into her decision. we have one chance at this life - this is not a dress rehearsal!

[savoie]

"I just think to myself (and I might be fooling myself or being unrealistic about it, but if it helps me know I accept it instead of trying to fight these thouhts):

if the missing-him is still so bad in xy time (haven't thought about the "ultimatum"), I will have to go back!"

 

you will know what you need to do. be honest with yourself and you will do the right thing!

[danina]

i know there are many, many people who can do this - but i was not one of them

Yes, that "bothered" me as well. Why are there so many people who can do it? Why can't I be one of them?

The question is, when and how do you know if it is only normal homesickness that will get better and that you can overcome, or when is it going to be self-destructive? When are you gonna make it worse trying?

 

I just know for now, going back to him right now is not an option. neither him nor me are in a state where we could just move on. We need to sort ourselves out, I need to sort myself out.

And as I said, I hope that good old time will tell me if I really give it another go.

One more thing (don't know if I have mentioned it):

I think it was also me being scared of commitment, of course. Cause I felt I could not commit to him and what he wanted when i feel so displaced.

I never thought about having children soon or buying a house. My (ex-)boyfriend wants to plan life that way.

now I think: maybe i do, maybe i want to settle down, bring on the kids, but how long will I think like that?

how long do i have to give myself to re-evaluate everything again???

[savoie]

there are so many variables involved in the way we are wired as individuals. people experience things differently. there really isn't an answer as to why things are easier for some and very difficult for others. the circumstances are never the same though.

 

as for the commitment questions - i think that it would be wise of you to sort out before making a decision to go back or move on to another relationship. in terms of a timeline - if you can talk with a therapist that can help you determine your personal goals - he/she can likely give you constructive feedback on what it is you want now or in the near future with respect to your age and other things going on in your life. but be patient - the answers may not appear overnight......and some might be right in front of you - you just haven't embraced them yet.

[danina]

Commitment was never my thing, to be honest. It scared me. The thought of settling down somewhere was always terrifying...on the other hand did I find myself sometimes envying young families or people that have "arrived" where they wanna be.

I guess it is a "problem" of a lot of women my age (26). Two hearts in one chest. One wants to be still young and see the world and have adventures and not miss a thing, the other one is longing for some sort of routine, stability, safety...

I have only just finished university (takes a long time in my country, i know), have never had a decent job so far, have always lived in flatshares. I haven't really had my adult life yet. I always saw myself living in a nice apartment, having a job which I could stand (I am not really a very career person, I'd rather have nice colleagues and "fun" at work) and a circle of friends around me. What city? no idea...

And I always knew I could not keep all my friends around me cause they all have to spread to different cities, as well. They all gotta follow their jobs after uni.

Well, there I am, thinking about marriage and having babies in Australia. And one second the thought is great, the other second it scares the hell out of me!

[savoie]

of course it is scary! change is scary! but if it is something that you really want in the near future and you found someone you can do that with - then you have to give that significant weight in your decision.

 

you are feeling things through. these are major life decisions/plans that you are thinking about. give yourself some time to fully understand what YOU want. (keeping in mind he will not wait forever). pay attention to how you feel when you think about those things. are you resisting? making excuses? feeling regretful? feeling content? feeling happy? notice these things!

[danina]

give yourself some time to fully understand what YOU want. (keeping in mind he will not wait forever). pay attention to how you feel when you think about those things. are you resisting? making excuses? feeling regretful? feeling content? feeling happy? notice these things!

I hope I will!

It took me a long time to see and understand how tough and complicated life is. I guess a long and happy youth and a carefree student life just don't prepare you for the "real" life out there. So many big decisions, so much responsibility, so many things to figure out...

I would always have that "go with the flow, things will turn out fine, you have always had it good" attitude, and now I see that sometimes you can't just sit back and wait.

It sure feels to me like I am finally really growing up now, and it hurts and is uncomfortable big time!

[savoie]

i lived a prolonged childhood in a sense.......spent 10 years in college and traveled the world. i don't regret a minute of it. but i am forever grateful to my parents for providing me with those life experiences. probably the reason that i will not leave them at this stage of their lives. i want to give back to them all of the love and support that they gave me - as they need it. i want to share this part of our lives together. i have been blessed with an amazing family.

 

anyway - good luck with your decision. these are exciting things to contemplate!

[danina]

QUOTE]spent 10 years in college and traveled the world. i don't regret a minute of it. but i am forever grateful to my parents for providing me with those life experiencesQUOTE]

Sounds a lot like me. I also have parents who gave me nothing but love and support and would always supoort my decisions and just want me to be happy! The more it kills me that they worry about me now...

I have been telling them that living so far away from them would be one of the biggest issues (maybe even more than being far away from friends) which they understand, but they also tell me that I can't make my choices for them..cause - as tough as it is - they won't always be there...Very true, but I so understand the need to be with them and give them something back when they might need it.

 

anyway - good luck with your decision. these are exciting things to contemplate

Thank you, Savoie. You have been such a help for me today! All i can say is thank you over and over again!

I am sure I will keep ranting on this forum for a while, since it really is a good therapy (once again, if someone would have told me that I would be posting on an internet forum - about heartache - , I wouldn't have believed it).

 

Feel better, too!

[savoie]

it sounds like you have wonderful parents too.....who want what is best for you!

 

i feel crazy at times too.......been on this thing all weekend - but i have been sick with a cold for over a week! finally starting to feel normal again though.

 

i'm glad i could respond to your frustrations. it helps me too.

 

i am not on here much during the week. but perhaps we will chat again.

 

good luck with everything! take care.