Dealing with JEALOUSY!

[KaEdYnZMoMmi]

Okay so I posted a thread discussin my current "relationship situation". I have been um, involved with a FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS situation for about 8 months. Here is the thing our children are involved and to me it is a full on relationship minus the title. We go to dinner with one another he is associated with my friends and family as I am with his. We have spent major holidays together. There is nothing I wouldnt do for this man and nothing he wouldnt do for me. Whats the problem you ask? Well, we don't mess with anyone else sexually and have a very good relationship as far as communication. He has told me he cares about me, and trusts me. Great right? The downside? He has been cheated on before with his childrens mom and has since decided (it happened a year ago) that he wanted to take a break from a commited relationship . I too was in a bad relationship where the man was controlling so I ended that quick. So we decided on the whole friends w/benefits thing. But I think we both may see it as more. We both get jealous when other people try to approach one of us. I sometimes get a little too jealous and it results in ugly arguments. His way of dealing with his jealousy is he acts like he doesnt care and then makes lil slick comments about 'my boyfriend'. I can't lie I have tested his feelings by mentioning other guys in hopes that he would realize that I do have other options and maybe it would make him want to commit. The biggest issue right now is I had been out with some girlfriends for one of their birthdays this past saturday and ended up at the same bar him and his friends were at. His friends approached us ladies bought us a drink and then went back to what they were doing. I soon left the bar and just so happened to walk out the same time an old male friend did. This male friend also bought me a drink/shot while I was in the bar and my Fw/B seen this and it made him furious! He called me and called me we argued and he came over...spent the night. I would have gotten upset too, but instead of discussing the situation he decided to get back at me by going on a date tonight with some other girl. It is killing me the thought of him with someone else!? But I tried to get a back bone and act as though I don't care. I had NO CONTACT with him for a few days and he texted messaged me at 3 am saying that he wanted to "WORK IT OUT". My thing is my jealousy has pushed him away before and now KNOWING he is going to dinner with another female this evening is KILLING ME! And I know if I accept his offer to WORK IT OUT, chances are I will start an argument regarding this date... DUMP THE LOSER? OR TRY FOR ROUND 2?? GUYS POINT OF VIEW ON FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS PLEASE?!?!?!?!?!?

[KaEdYnZMoMmi]

Oh yeah, there was one incident where we had plans to go to dinner and a movie but he canceled because he wanted to do poker night with the guys. I am not one to be controlling so I went along with the idea and went out with some girlfriends...Well I come to find out him and his guys went to the bar and ran into some females they met on MYSPACE and all hung out. I was FURIOUS told him to NEVER EVER call me EVER again told him I was hurt because I felt like he cancelled plans to be with her. He insisted that it was not like that at all. OF COURSE im a dummy I believed him!! I forgave him and now because I hung out with an old friend he was introduced to he wants to get mad...I dont get it?!?

[fnlyfrei]

You situation reminds me of why I could never be involved with a "friends with benefits" situation. I tried. I thought a real relationship was just too dang hard and why not? But your confusion and his confusion is why not. There is really no benefit for some people. If you can be completely emotionally unattached I suppose a person could handle it. For me, it was sleeping over and then hearing another chick pounding on his front door at 7am. I shudder to think what the scene would have been if I had answered it. ((shudder))....but it made me realize that I did not want a friends with benefits situation...I just wanted someone to love, and I did not love...or trust this person. I found someone who thinks and feels much like I do about love...and now we are engaged...and very much in love. I think friends with benefits situation is for some people...settling for the bare mininum....and not what we richly deserve.

[Scout]

Hmmm...it seems you two have avoided putting a title on your relationship because you're afraid the title will then result in all the problems your past relationships had.

 

But it's not making any difference because you're still having those problems, anyway.

 

Which indicates you two probably just don't mesh well. Sounds too volatile, and not a good mix. Sometimes, we have to accept that we can be wildly attracted to someone, but at the end of the day, we're just oil and water.

 

Of course, some people like the challenge of a roller-coaster, volatile relationship, and can even get addicted to the thrills of when it goes good. That makes them ride out all the depressing., miserable times.

 

I guess if you just had yourself to think about, I'd say nothing we can advise will make much difference, you're just gonna have to ride this out until you get sick of it. However, I am concerned that this might not be good for your child. Who I bet has witnessed you being sad about all this.

[KaEdYnZMoMmi]

I understand that, but at the sametime I don't see him being unfaithful except for that one incident in the beginning. We 'vowed' to not have other friends with benefits. We have both hung out with people of the opposite sex and that is where the jealousy stems from. I care and he knows I do, he cares but hides the fact that he cares and it comes out during an argument.

[fnlyfrei]

Vowing not to have other friends with benefits sounds like a commitment. Sounds like he is afraid to call it what it really is. Silly. I thought a friends with benefits situation was not really caring what the other person did, and just sleeping together without a commitment. Being exclusive friends with benefits sounds like an agreement....a relationship. Maybe I don't know all the rules.

[KaEdYnZMoMmi]

LoL this is the FIRST & LAST friends with benefits relationship I will ever become involved in. But you are soooo right. Friends with benefist is SUPPOSED to be sex no love emotions or feelings. But I see both him AND I have fallen into a undeclared 'commitment'