KaEdYnZMoMmi Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 Okay so here is my situation, I met this guy, he was in a previous long term relationship with this woman whom he had 2 beautiful sons with. Well that relationship ended when his ex girlfriend cheated on him. And I was in a previous relationship with the father of my 2 children but that ended because he was controlling. Anyways I had run into a high schools friend older brother while I was out and we exchanged numbers and started talking. Late night phone converstaions turned into dinners, drinks and occasionally dinners with all 4 children. We also became intimate. We decided to be "FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS". We even had a 'contract', we wouldnt sleep with other people and once one of us did the benefits were terminated. We spent Holidays together (Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years). Recently while him and I were at dinner I had run into an old male friend and his girlfriend and congratulated them on their new baby. The old male friend called me 2 days later to invite me to dinner to catch up on old things. And we hung out- strictly as friends and I let my Fw/B know this. He acted like he didn't care. A male friend from work invited me out for Happy Hour, I accepted the offer after first consulting my Fw/B. He said "I don't care that is up to you". My Fw/B would throw it in my face saying things like "Oh are you going out with your boyfriend from work tonight", and I would get upset and say that it wasnt like that at all. Well last Saturday I had gone out with some of my girlfriends for one of their birthdays and he was out with some of his male friends. We ended up at the same bar and he had seen guys coming up and talking to me buying me drinks. He was upset we left shortly after and coincidentally as I was leaving so was one of the guys who bought me a drink. My Fw/B assumed we left together and called me all upset yelling at me. I had gone home, and about 45 minutes later my Fw/B came over and everything seemed fine. But he went through my phone and called numbers back that he didn't recognize. We ended up fighting about this. And he has since told me (on Tuesday) that he has a date tonight. So I expressed that I was upset and that I was hurt by this and his thing was "You do it so why cant I". I told him that I was not ever attracted to those guys I hung out with them strictly as friends and I even asked him about his feelings first. I tried to reason with him and let him know that I was sorry but that I hadn't done anything. He told me flat out that he was through with me and tired of everything. Where we are from isnt a big city so he textd me and said if I was out with my 'b/f' not to come to this specific bar because he was there. We didn't talk until 3 am this morning he text messaged me (after he was drinking) and copied lyrics of a song to me. "I said im really tryin to work this out cuz tired of fightin, I said im tryin to work this out damn girl im tryin...its no excuse..." (Ice Box-Omarion). So I texted him back and with a ? and he said Nevermind...and I said Oh did you send that to the wrong person? And he said No that was for you, I heard the song and thought of you...and we texted back and forth a few times joking around and things seemed ok. But I dont know if it was because he was under the influence or because he really meant he wants to work it out. I cant lie, I have let him know on numerous occasions that I care about him and his children...I would never do anything to jeopardize our situation. Am I the idiot for accepting our terms and conditions? Or do we both want the same thing but we are just afraid of the commitment? What should I do? Based on everything does he care bout me more than he is letting on? Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 I am not sure that FWB is a situation that can last forever. Eventually, I think you grow out of that relationship. Either one of you wants more, or you just meet someone else you like better. Do you maybe think the both of you have outgrown this relationship? I think it can work great for a while, just not forever. Maybe the time has come to take your relationship to the next level (official BF/GF) or just break it off. Link to comment
KaEdYnZMoMmi Posted February 9, 2007 Author Share Posted February 9, 2007 I think you are right, but I have so much fun with him. The jealousy is what gets in the way. He gets jealous when other guys try to approach me and I get jealous when other girls approach him. We have both been cheated on...and I know that is not a valid excuses. Buttt, that is where most of our problems stem from. When we are together we laugh and can talk about anything and everything and our kids love one another. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 We have both been cheated on...and I know that is not a valid excuses. Buttt, that is where most of our problems stem from. It sounds like both of you have been hurt before and are trying to avoid being "cheated on" by not making your relationship official. Afterall, you can't be cheated on if you don't have a real bf, right? What is it that you want? do you want a real relationship with him? Link to comment
KaEdYnZMoMmi Posted February 9, 2007 Author Share Posted February 9, 2007 I think that you are right. If we don't have that label then we don't have to run the risk of being HURT. I mean we act like a couple without the label, he has come to family gatherings and come to my friends sons birthday party...I would LOVE to be in a relationship with him. But I am afraid to push for something if it is not what he wants. Link to comment
Maverick32x Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 this guy sounds pretty immature... friends with benefits was cool when you were 16, not over 21. You need to figure out what YOU want out of this relationship... if its just a warmbody, thats fine.... be ready to deal with the drama that comes from a relationship in limbo... because no matter what 'contract' you signed, and how good of an idea you think it is... its apparent that to him... you are his... He is able to keep you undercontrol, and the ability to keep his options open.... I don't think thats very fair at all... Clearly he mis-read the contract.. since I'm pretty sure you weren't signing your life away when you decided to say you would be "friends with benefits" with some guy Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 I know, I understand what you are saying. I guess you have to sit down and decide what you want. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Do you want a stable partner, or are you ok with a casual relationship? To me, it's not about pushing, just decide what you want, and if it is him, ask him where he stands, and if he doesn't want a relationship, then maybe you should move on and find a man who does want a relationship. what do you think? Link to comment
Maverick32x Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 ahh.. ok, so you DO want a relationship.... well, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that he probably knows that you like him, and he probably likes you too, but not enough to date..... so... ya, nothing is going to change in this relationship unless you do something... allow me to use an old saying.. "Why buy the cow, when you get the sex for free"? He's taking advantage of your feelings for him, by pretty much leading you on... hes insecure, and needs a wakeup call... I say move on, and show this guy that you arent going to be waiting around forever for him Link to comment
Kalika Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 I would def agree that he's immature, and his behavior (going through your phone, accusations) is more than slightly controlling. You said you broke up with the last guy because of this behavior; why are you allowing it again? Link to comment
KaEdYnZMoMmi Posted February 9, 2007 Author Share Posted February 9, 2007 I wouldnt say I dated other people but against my will I have gone out with other people strictly as friends. Explored my options so to speak, for my own sake of mind and to show him that I do infact have other people interseted. He said whatever I do is up to me...but he became upset soon after. And that is when he mentioned this 'date' tonight and told me I hurt him by spending time with someone else. And since I ignored his called and stopped calling him for 2 days now he is saying that he wants to "work things out". Link to comment
KaEdYnZMoMmi Posted February 9, 2007 Author Share Posted February 9, 2007 At the risk of sounding superficial...he is gorgeous. I had a crush on him starting back in high school (1996). He was my classmates older brother he is 28 and I am 26. Link to comment
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