Guys that 'want' to date but never show up!

[lost_status]

ok, Its been nearly one year since I met this guy. He saw me with my family and had tracked me down so he could talk to me. He put in so much effort and all. HOWEVER since the day we have been talking we havent actually gone out on a date or even as friends! Everytime we made a time to go out he would back out on the last minute... He would tell me he would meet at a specific place at a time but then he would message at the time we are supposed to see eachother saying he has to go to work. Once he didnt even message and left me looking like an idiot until I called him and found out he was at work!!!

 

I gave up recently and stopped talking to him, however he sends me text messages and emails asking me to talk to him and how Ive been etc... He keeps apologising for cancelling on me.

 

If he is sooo interested then why does he keep cancelling (I should add its happened twice), what should I do?? Maybe he really is sorry or he really did get called to work... maybe he doesnt have common sense to message me at least 2hrs before the date to cancel... I honestly am very confused. What should I do guys!?

[lost_status]

I also should add he always flirts with me! ALWAYS!! maybe he is a serial flirt! meh!

[annie24]

forget him. it sounds like he has some serious issues that are preventing him from being in a relationship. like you said, he's had 1 year, all the chances in the world, and he is cancelling??? something smells fishy. I think he either has serious problems, or he is already in a relationship and you are the side-dish he has his eye on.

 

tell him he's blown his chance.

[quietgrl]

forget him. it sounds like he has some serious issues that are preventing him from being in a relationship. like you said, he's had 1 year, all the chances in the world, and he is cancelling??? something smells fishy. I think he either has serious problems, or he is already in a relationship and you are the side-dish he has his eye on.

 

tell him he's blown his chance.

 

I agree with annie on this one.

[Batya33]

I don't date unreliable men. Unless there is a true emergency he gets one shot at cancelling at the last minute. That's it. After that, I don't make plans with the guy again and I minimize contact. I happen to place a high value on reliability in dating and in friendships. How about you?

 

As far as "talking" with no date planned, I don't stay in touch with a guy I am interested in dating if he won't make a specific plan. The first time he says "we should go out sometime" I say, if I am interested "that sounds good, I'd be interested in that." I let him step up to the plate. If he doesn't he gets one more chance - if he brings it up again I say "yes, when were you thinking of" and if I don't get a specific time he is put in the "not that into me" category - could be he's just flaky, but i have no time for flaky.

[lifestream]

This isn't exclusive to men.

[itsallgrand]

Yeah, forget about him. This guy will drive you nuts if you let him.

 

There was a time when I would have given a guy shot after shot, not anymore.

Dating is when people are on their best behavior! If a guy can't even be bothered to plan ahead properly for the first dates, it is almost guaranteed that there is more to come of the same behavior. Usually it is just the tip of the iceberg.

 

He's had plenty of opportunities to settle up the initial stumble, yet he hasn't.

 

Onward!

[annie24]

Another way to think about things - if you wouldn't tolerate this behavior from a business contact, why would you tolerate it from a potential boyfriend? For example, if you wanted to hire a lawyer or a tax advisor or a plumber, and they said ok, but kept cancelling on you.... would you keep giving the lawyer or plumber chance after chance? No! You'd move onto the next.

 

I expect a man I am dating to treat me at least as well as he would a business client. If he wouldn't flake out on a client at the last minute, why should he do it to me? It's not acceptable.

 

I have been in your situation before. I know it's frustrating, but you are best off moving on.

[quietgrl]

Wow!, lost_status's thread is a light blub moment for some women who give men tooo many dating chances and the advice that annie and Batya33 just gave to lost_status.I think it's time i seriuosly enforce some men laws.I keep giving people chances.

[Batya33]

I think those rules also apply to friends - particularly new friends - if a new friend is unreliable or wishy washy about making/keeping plans I stop asking.

[itsallgrand]

Batya, I agree with you about friends too. It's been a hard lesson coming, and when I am truthful - I had previously accepted wishy washy behavior from my friends because I was wishy washy myself (and wanted to be excused from making a change in that behavior, which fellow wishwashers allow one to do).

 

Course that won't be the case for everyone. But, it really can be a drainer on the self esteem to feel like you have to fight for the interest of someone who is supposed to be your friend/partner/lover/whatever.

 

Woo hoo about the Lightbulb, quietgrl!

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I am really enjoying this thread. I'm on the fence. There've been times when someone didn't deserve a second chance and I gave them one, and regretted that, and then there was the time when I gave someone three chances because they seemed to have a good reason for what happened, and that turned out to be a good decision. Your gut will tell you and right now it's telling you don't bother. We get into trouble when we don't listen to our gut.

[Batya33]

I don't think the gut is always accurate in these matters. It's better to know your tolerance level and make exceptions on those rare occasions when you truly question whether you're being too harsh.

[Altruist]

One year without going out is too long. Don't put your life on hold. Move on

[lost_status]

YES!! I think you are all right, I told my parents the situation and they even said to forget about him because he isnt making an effort...

 

I didnt have my life on pause or anything, I was dating other people but with this guy it was different because he was from my nationality and Ive NEVER dated anyone from my own nationality... LOL I can see why now!

 

I know there are MANYY people who are like this, I had a friend who stood me up! I was the one who had to chase her to find out if we were still going out! She didnt even have the sense to call or text me to let me now. I dont like talking to her anymore, however I know she still wants my friendship because now she is the one always calling me... this guy is the same.

 

I have a high tolerance level... I can put up with many things people throw at me but I dont like to be 2nd choice, nor do I like people messing with my head... so GOOD BYE to you Mr Never show up!

 

Thanks guys for replying! I appricate it allot!