Im not sure what to do

[Desma214]

Okay Ive been with my bf for almost two years, we have been having problems for about 5 months now he has a bad habit of always putting me down or saying things to literally hurt me. When he first started this bahavior I always cried he even told me to quit crying he cant handle it and if I was going to cry then the relationship wasnt going to work. Onetime I even went as far as cutting on my arm with a razor blade I dont remember much all I can remember is I was crying and I wasnt really me when I done it I guess he had mentally drove me crazy because he always hurt me. Well to get to the point I wrote another thread the other day about my bf and what he had done, We hadnt had sexual intercourse for 3 days so I was thinking maybe we would that night but he apparently had other plans. I mean the first thing he does is use the bathroom before we ya know and that night he went to the bathroom and come in the bedroom just to tell me he was going to go play on the computer (watch porn and jack off) sure enough 10min after sitting down back to the bathroom again I guess to clean off. Laying in the bed knowing what he was doing I had this heavy feeling on my chest and it burnt I guess I was filled with anger and hurt because this always happens but I usually dont have to wait that many days. So now here I am last night was fairly easy I stayed gone all day because I didnt feel like I wanted to be around him he just totally disrespected me and kind of made the urge to have sex with him go out the door I mean I was chosen second imagine how bad it hurts. All the other times this happened the next night I would give it to him but last night I just didnt care anymore if we had sex or not I guess he has put me down for the last time. I cant say Im angry with him just mostly hurt because I love him so much. I left yesterday at 10:00am and didnt come back until 9:00 pm he was angry with me because I stayed gone so I got ready for bed and laid down not speaking to him and somehow the subject got brought up he asked me where Id been and I replied dont worry about it after what you did to me last night I just didnt feel like I wanted to be around you today I dont remember much because I went to sleep. I woke up this morning and I was sitting in the living room and he got up to use the bathroom but went straight back to bed no saying or even seeing where I was. My question is I love him with all of my heart but I feel so distant to him now and I dont understand why Im not crying over none of this like I normally would, I want to be with but I want us to have a decent relationship where I dont come second but then again I think I would be happier if I would just leave. What does anyone think I should do try to save the relationship or just move on because he will never change.

[Daligal83]

What exactly do you love about this guy?

 

I think you need to work on your communication with him. It doesn't sound like he's treating you right, but you need to talk to him about that. Not just ignore him. Nothing can get better if you don't talk it through.

 

That being said..if he's constantly putting you down that is unacceptable. Don't stay in a relationship where you are not respected and loved.

[anggrace]

He has hurt you time and time again? Once causing you to cut yourself? He threatens to leave you if you cry about it? Yes, I DO think you should leave him. Unless someone is remoursefull and takes responsability for the hurt theve caused you, then only mabey they can change. He doesnt seem to care, therfore I dont think he will change.

[Daligal83]

While I agree that he is not treating her well at all and that she should probably leave...I don't think he's causing her to cut herself. He's causing the emotional pain that leads to that action...but she is internalizing that pain and that leads to the cutting behavior. I don't want it to sound like I'm blaming her for that action or that I'm defending him, becuase I'm not at all. It's how she's coping and she needs to find healthier ways to do that. But he's not really causing her to cut herself.

[Desma214]

Everyone tells me to talk to him and try to communicate and understand whats going on, about the sex they say spice things up change things make it more exciting, I have tried everything thats why I feel the way I do because NOTHING works in my eyes Im a failure because I was his first at first he was real shy but now hes completely open to me when it comes to living everyday life but never about our relationship or anything that has to do with it he just winds up getting angry at one point he said I dont be around you that much because everytime I am you want to talk about our relationship. Im a failure because he is the only man I have ever loved this way, when I look at him I see a beautiful person (sometimes he dont act like it) Someone I love that I want to be there for through good and bad times which is the reason I still stay even when he hurts me, I cant imagine him not being there it would kill me, I cook for him I clean for him I take care of him in any way, I would give my heart to him even if it just promised him one more day in this world the point is I love him and leaving is my last option one that Im scare to face. Im all out of ideas nothing seems to work and I dont think I can take much more mentally, I mean why shouldnt I feel like a failure I try to love him and do everything for him and still in the end I feel like I have to work for his love but no matter what I do nothing works Im useless......

[Daligal83]

Hun, you are not a failure and you are not useless. You are being a great girlfriend and it is NOT your fault that he acts this way. HE is deciding to treat you this way because of who he is, not because of you.

 

Have you thought of seeing a counselor? I think you could be a lot happier if you learned to love and accept yourself. No other person should make you feel worthless. It's something you need to find within yourself, not someone else.

[anggrace]

I agree that its not HIM thats causing her to cut herself, but its the pain thats driving her to do so. This needs to be dealt with w/or w/out him. (hopefully w/o)

[Hope75]

This is the guy that you insulted last week and told him that he was "too small" and that's why he took so long to get you off, right?

 

And you layed there and expected him to completely intitiate sex because "that is his job"....but you didn't initiate anything yourself? And then you got mad when he didn't.

 

 

 

Honey, I see major flaws on both sides of this relationship.

 

There is no communication, you clearly don't respect him and you treat him as such, and it seems the feeling is mutual.

 

If you aren't happy and you can see that he isn't happy, and you feel that in one week's time you have given it a real honest effort and nothing has changed.... maybe it's because either you haven't given it enough time and aren't being open with him (and last night you weren't open with him and the communication was lacking...) or because you don't view this relationship as worth trying to save.

 

What do you think?

[anggrace]

It sounds like an unhealthy relationship that you are both responsible for. I think you should both get some counseling, seperatly. Thats not an insult btw, I see a therapist. Its very helpfull. Sometimes you just don't see what your doing as self detructive.

[Desma214]

Like I said Im sorry for what I said to him I was angry it was the first time I had ever said anything like that to him compared to the million things he said to me that I kept my mouth shut and didnt say anything and instead I say one thing and I even apologized to him unlike him I never get an apology and all I can do say Im sorry and be the best I can be to him just to let him see Im sorry I have nothing else I can do and besides this all started before I made my comment I got treated the same so I know it hurts our relationship more but its not the whole thing. Its not that I think the relationship isnt worth saving because I do want to save it and I have tried but Im the only one who seems to care about it and I still dont get nothing in return and I didnt speak last night because I didnt know what to say the thoughts of what he did ran through my head from the time I woke up until I went to sleep I was in a zombie mode just so fed up I didnt want to breathe I was tired of always feeling pain and thinking thoughts that brought me down I wasnt me I was a nobody who didnt want to be around anyone its not that I just didnt want to talk to him its I couldnt. Hes still in bed now and Im not sure whether to talk to him or not I dont know my brain says you need to but my heart is broken and I dont want to.

[Daligal83]

Now that I've read your previous thread, I agree with Hope and anggrace. You say that he treats you badly, but how do you think he feels with how you're treating him? You are both egging each other on trying to make the other feel badly. This is not a healthy relationship in anyway. I agree that you both need counseling, even if you don't stay together. Most likely you'll both act this way regardless of who you are with.

[Daligal83]

It wasn't just one thing you said...if you look at your previous thread, Hope outlined a few things that you said that were extremely hurtful. I think you may be making comments that are more subtle but still very powerful and not realizing it.

 

What do you think about getting counseling?

[Joneysnai]

I don't want to be mean or anything but to simply put it. He has fallen out of love for you. That's why he is treating you like that. Also you should never need another person to validate who you are as a person.. Maybe it is just me and I'm being insensitive here but I don't think cutting yourself will solve anything, he is already not in love with you anymore, doing something drastic like that won't change anything but bring you more pain. You shouldn't even resort to that in the first place, abit extreme if you ask me.

 

You put yourself down because you can't understand what is going on around you but you do, you're just in denial. From reading your first post you seem to know exactly what type of guy you want and you also know that you DON'T want to be second to anyone so get out of the relationship.

 

I know you have probably tried everything to make it work and he just gives you the cold shoulder, being uncaring and even insulting you by watching porn and pleasing himself to lightly put it.

 

Unless you two decide to go seek help from maybe a counselor I don't think it will get better. Sure you can work on your communication but I bet you have already tried talking to him right?

 

Once someone falls out of love for you, it doesn't matter what you do, unless they are staying for convenience, the spark you once had won't return.

 

You deserve better!

[anggrace]

No matter how badly you want to save the relationship and no matter how hard you try, Its not going to work unless its a mutual thing. He has to want it as much as you do. Otherwise, you will get nowhere.

[Hope75]

Hes still in bed now and Im not sure whether to talk to him or not I dont know my brain says you need to but my heart is broken and I dont want to.

So you have to decide if

 

1. This relationship is something you want to save, and

2. If you are willing to put in a more concerted effort and not let pride and hurt feelings get in the way of communicating with him.

 

You need to talk to him if you want to be able to fix this. You are in a pattern with him right now that is not healthy and that is going to let the destruction of the relationship if something doesn't change... and fast.

 

When you do talk to him, instead of pointing fingers and saying "You do this, you do that..." Gear it more about what you are feeling and use "we" statements. Then be prepared to offer solution statements or questions about what you as a team can do to work on it. Otherwise you just put him on the defense and you will get no where.

 

Example:

 

"I feel hurt when we don't communicate well and we end up in a fight. What can we do next time to make it easier to communicate and get our points accross while both listening and considering what the other has said?"

 

Than when he responds, listen to him and don't speak right away. Tell him that you hear him.

 

See how that goes.

[Desma214]

I see where you would see that hes falling out of love with me I have felt that before you know got the vibe but why is it when I was going to leave and was mentally ready to leave he held me back when he knew I was serious and this was a week ago and not only that we talked and laughed and got along great and then came the point of silence and out of the blue he looked at me and said you know I love you right why would he say such a thing and when he said it well it reassured me that he did I just actually got a feeling that he did love so whats going I wouldnt persue a relationship that I didnt think would work but in my heart I know it will I just dont know whats going on with me or him.