Overcoming loneliness and being alone

[TallyM]

Hi All,

 

Apologies for this being long and i am sorry if it doesnt make much sense as its all just going around and around my head and i want to just get it out. I honestly, dont have any one to talk too about everything that has been happening and i just need to get it off my chest.

 

I guess i am writing about this and asking for advice and help as its getting to an unbearable point in my life and i feel like its just slowly killing me. I feel as if each day passes, each week passes, each month and nothing is improving... things are just getting worse and worse.

 

Last year I had an incredibly rough time and i think i was on the verge of having a completely break down. I think I did in a way... and now i feel like such a broken person but i keep telling myself that in time that i, as a person and my life will improve, but as more time slowly passes me by nothing is happening.

 

 

I left my ex boyfriend, because of his abusive behaviour... we used to live together and were together for more than 4 years, during this time i look back on it and realise he was a very manipulative and controlling man, some of things he did to me would be so unbelievable but it saddens me as i was conducive to all of it by staying with him despite how bad it got... when we broke up he attempted to bash in to my apartment. and then proceeded to stalk me, harass me, intimidate me and my family as I took a restraining order against him, he threatened to destroy me and my life if I ever left him... i was terrified... yet it took so long to go through the courts that i lost hope, and thought maybe its not that big a deal and all my fault so i started talking to him again... he invaded my life again, we started fighting again so i tried to get him out of my life again with no avail.... i fell pregnant to him though during all of this and had a second trimester termination... I didnt tell anyone, not my family, not anyone... I went to work the morning of the termination and left a couple of hours early and got up and went back in the very next day... Anytime i had to go court because of my ex i would only take a couple of hours off work and head straight back into the office, I didnt take any sick leave, i just worked, i put my all into that job... and my boss and the job was absoloutely awful. It ended up in such a bad situation Last year ... it was my frist graduate job, well i have worked for a long time, but its was the first job in the area of my degree, but things were just awful, it ended up with me leaving on really bad terms with the company in response to aggressive behaviour of my boss and a sexual harassment case.

 

Up until this point, i used to be quite active, i used to do a lot of training as i was a middle distance runner, i was quite social but when i found out i was pregnant i just shut everyone out, and just stopped doing anything. I also had a group of friends at the time that started to say really nasty things about me behind my back and i thought they were my friends and i realised not a singe one of them could be relied upon for help... as i thought none of these friends actually gave a damn about what i was going through. And that broke my ability to trust on so many levels.

 

I was tired of being on my own. And had a lot of mixed emotions about my ex, i didnt understand why he was doing all of this to me and making it all so difficult in the legal arena. So i called him to tell him about the pregnancy and the termination. He did not leave my side for two weeks. He would pick me up from work, drop me off... you name it... he was being so nice... I had no one else there for me during this time and he was the only that showed me any positive forms of attention... then things got worse again.... he said once, that when i was pregnant it probably wasnt even his kid... that hurt so much.. that he lacked such little faith in me as a person... also before this two week period he was in Europe on a trip with his friends... when he came back i found a whole bunch of photos on a photo hosting website he had posted of other women and everything... and he spent so much time with me when i told him about the termination, i thought he was being sincere... then i found the photos and realised how much i had just been had... that i shut every one else out even more... I didnt do anything.... i lost all motivation on any level. All i did was sit at home and drink. that was Sept / Oct last year... I worked with a couple of friends from the group of friends i had a falling out with... and i stopped taking lunch with them, i avoided them at work, i would take lunch on my own and drive to a park well away from the office so i wouldnt run into any of them as they all upset me so much. I just felt so isolated with what was happening with my ex and how bad my boss was getting and nobody gave a damn if i was okay.

 

Since then i left my last job because of the situation there in December. Prior to me leaving my job i had two weeks sick leave...Stress leave... my therapist said i needed time away from work and what was happening there. Because i got so bored of sitting at home for two weeks, i had not a soul to talk to, i decided i would go out by myself to a club to see a band play that i really liked at the time... Actually i was meant to see that band with my old group of friends a couple of months before but we since had the falling out, i had the ticket to go but decided not too, so sat at home when i was meant to be out with them.. So this was the last time in 2006 i could see this band play and i thought hey, i should go... While i was out by myself i ran into a group of my ex's friends. One of them i had a fling with years and years ago in my first year of uni (about 7 years ago long before i got together with my ex)... i had quite a few drinks and he was being all nice to me and took me home... i ended up sleeping with him. First person in a long time apart from my ex that had showed me any postive attention and i was blind drunk and acted like such a dipstick and yeah i fell pregnant to him and had a nother termination... I had the termination as soon as i found out i was pregnant a few weeks later. I told my ex about it and he was there for me as a friend... No one knows about the second termination either. I had sex twice in the second half of last year. ANd fell pregnant both times. Before the one night stand with that ex fling of mine it had been years and years since i had slept with anyone but my ex.

 

I dont like people touching me now. Even my family if they want to give me a hug i will move away. I hate it.

 

I have a new job now. Much better than the last. I also have moved apartments to a completely different area, where i dont know any one or anything, and i get lost ALL the time. It just fustrates the hell out of me. I didnt even know where to do grocery shopping...

 

Now the current situation is that my ex is facing several charges, including assualt, breaches of the restraining order, several breaches of his bail conditions you name it... And every time it goes to court, he keeps getting adjournments. This has been going through a court room for nearly twelve months.

 

I feel like this is never going to go away. I just want it to be over with. But i feel deep down that it never is going to go away and its all my fault and he did nothing wrong... I feel like falling pregnant both times was all my fault as i was stupid enough to let it happen...

 

It has been more than six months since i have been out with any one on a social event. It has been about 5 months since i have seen a single friend of mine, the old group of friends i have are long gone. But my old school friends etc i havent seen for even longer.

 

I only talk to my family on the phone who all live out of town. They keep telling me to just forget about my ex and dont worry about it, its all over and done with. He hasnt been charged with a single thing! nothing has happened, nothing is over and done with and besides i am still talking to him...

 

But i have been talking to my ex during all of this time as there is no one else to talk to. Each day goes by and i dont talk to anyone. Not a soul, only work people about work stuff but not that much and my cat when i get home. Sometimes my mother or my grand mother may call or i may call them but i dont talk to my family more than once a week.

 

Seriously. I go to work, I go home from work. I recently joined a gym in my new local area... i used to do dance classes but i feel like i want to leave all of my old life behind, and doing things i used to enjoy with old friends now kinda hurts so i want to do other things instead. So i go to the gym a few times a week... and then on weekends i just fiddle around at home... I have started a garden on my balcony, and i have a cat... I also am starting a small aquarium... just for something to do.

 

It has been months since i have heard from a single friend. I dont talk to anyone.

 

My new job is going okay. But my office is downstairs away from all the other offices. And i dont want to make friends at work, as i want it all to be professional, i just want to come to work, do my work and go home... The last job i had has affected me so much in such a negative way.

 

But i barely talk to any one, only when someone asks me a question. I dont take lunch with any one, no one ever asks me so i just take about 5 - 10 mins to eat in the caffeteria and go for a walk if i dont eat at my desk.

 

I have just turned 26.

 

I used to be this bright and happy vivacious person... and now i am just completely broken. Things make me so angry. I get angry that i dont know what is happening in court. I just get the odd phonecall from a policeman saying it has been adjourned... i dont know when it goes back to court, i dont know anything.

 

I get angry that i am so alone, and that idont have any one. I dont have any one to go and have a coffee with and spend the afternoon chatting about crap... I want to go out and have fun and laugh and smile and just hang out with someone! anyone! But there is no one. Its nearly six months since i have seen a single friend apart from my family. I cant remember the last social conversation i have had with anyone apart from my ex.

 

I feel so detached and isolated. I was thinking last night about how i must appear to other people... how do they see me? And all i can think is that they must think i am a complete raving lunatic.

 

I just feel like i am slowly dying. And i dont want to die. But i dont want to live like this anymore.

[EvaGina]

-hug-

youre very brave!! I would have run for mother by now!!

 

I stand by internet dating sites (BE CAREFULL) I met a lot of new, great people through them when I moved cities.

I made friends with the bartenders at the local, popular pub first (went for a drink with the flatmates and got talking to the bartenders) and I would arrange to meet people from the internet at this pub so that I had an allie if it turned pear shaped (I ended up dating one of the bartenders!!).

 

I say get a flat with people you dont know.

When I moved cities it was a flatmate who introduced me to a whole bunch of new people. Plus, living by yourself is so lonely!!!

[Locke2121]

Get out! Put on a nice outfit, go to the nearest bar, pub, whatever and blend in with the crowd. You're not looking for a relationship right away, just being a part of that wonderful, faceless mass of humanity. Once you feel comfortable with that, move on to talking to people and seeing what comes next! The friendships will come, as will the relationships.

 

Come back and talk to us any time! We're always here to help.

[TallyM]

Thanks for your replies

 

I Used to be brave, I'm not anymore.

 

I have done the going out thing once and look at how it ended up. I dont like going out by myself to pub/clubs... i find it kinda scary when guys talk to me.And i dont want to run into people that are friends with my ex... and they;re everywhere. I wouldnt mind going out with someone else and having fun that way i wouldnt be by myself when i run into people i used to know. But i dunno life is safer inside my shell... even though my shell is pretty heavy at the moment.

[Locke2121]

Why go out in the town your in? Head one town over. And any shell can be cracked, no matter how thick and heavy!

 

Remember, your a big, brave girl, just keep repeating that. As for the scary talking, go slow. Just say hi, my name is Tally. Many guys, the good ones, can actually lead a girl along in a convo by asking her questions about herself.

[EvaGina]

You are going to have to get outside of your comfort zone if you truly want to break this.

 

I know its scary, believe me, I could give you a list of reasons that makes leaving the house nigh impossible for me everyday... but in the end you have to choose what kind of life you have to lead and live with the fear that accompanies it.

 

Excuses are just excuses, you are makinghtings worse inside you head than they actually are. WHY would it be so bad if you saw a friend of your ex? Apart from generally feeling uncomfortable?

[Dako]

I sure understand the feeling, since I live alone and miss having a job.

Getting out the door alone is important for your mood.

 

Feeling sad can make you withdraw, while getting out is the only solution.

I tend to hang out by myself, and go walking, hit cafes, libraries and parks. Once a week or so I'll hang out with a friend, but the rest of my week is spent in solitude.

 

For me, crawling into my shell is dangerous.

[TallyM]

Its because if info passes back to my ex, about where i am, who i am with he can use it all to hurt me. I know that sounds completely absurd but thats what he has done in the past. He's pretty scary when he is offside... maybe thats why i keep chatting to him every now and then to keep him onside as its safer that way.

[EvaGina]

Ok, I have dealt with stalking and abusive ex's... and no, its not safer.

You are letting him control your life!!! How is that even slightly acceptable!??!!

 

He should KNOW that you wont stand for any misbehaviour, that if he tries anything untoward you will have him in trouble so fast his head spins. Take responsibility for yourself!! If you are willing to pander to his whims and put your life on hold on the off chance you might bump into someone who knows him... and they might tell him you are out of the house, then how can you expect to get your life back?

 

You are going to have to take a risk. A big one.

[Scout]

Hmmm. I don't really recommend you concentrate on dating right now. Not until you're in a place within yourself where you believe you're actually worthy of a good guy. Because I get the feeling you haven't been in that place for a long time. And so you've been selling yourself short over and over again.

 

What would make you happy, do you think? That doesn't involve, at least at this time, a romantic relationship.

 

You mentioned lack of friends and social contact several times. Would a more concrete social network help you be less lonely? I suspect it might. So, how will you go about getting some new friends?

[itsallgrand]

Hi.

 

Wow, you are bringing tears to my eyes. It breaks my heart to hear of you suffering alone.

 

How would you feel about joining a woman's group in your town or the next? It doesn't cost money, the people there will welcome you, no one will touch you if you don't want and will understand the need for that space without you having to explain.

It is safe, there are not a bunch of men there, and best of all there are people who you could share with and sometimes just shoot the breeze.

It's easy to make friends in that sort of environment. And, there can be that feeling of contributing to something outside yourself. The world opens a little.

 

I spend a lot of time alone, too. I have my secrets that have sat with me a very long time.

Some days, it is only my therapist my cat and this internet connection that keeps me sane.

 

It's nice to meet you, btw.

[EvaGina]

Hi.

How would you feel about joining a woman's group in your town or the next? It doesn't cost money, the people there will welcome you, no one will touch you if you don't want and will understand the need for that space without you having to explain.

 

I think thats a really good idea!!

Where would you find out about that kinda thing? community noticeboard at the library or somthing? Classifieds in the local paper?

 

Even Im tempted by that!

[Caldus]

Yeah I can't stand bars and clubs either, even if I am with friends. I am just not into that scene at all. I have basically been making friends through online sites for the last few years I would say. I would recommend a site like Craigslist. I have had the most success with this site. They have a Strictly Platonic section if you're just looking for new friends. But yes, be very careful with the online thing. Tons of creeps and weirdos out there on the Internet.

[itsallgrand]

I think thats a really good idea!!

Where would you find out about that kinda thing? community noticeboard at the library or somthing? Classifieds in the local paper?

 

Even Im tempted by that!

 

Hey, thanks, I was just going off where I've had some success. At the library or through community health centers is where I have seen them 'advertised'.

To tell the truth, I came accross it through a women's shelter. But really, there are many type of groups out there offering a chance for a bunch of women to get together and do something like-minded - I have even seen climbing groups through there.

 

Someone somewhere on this forum will need to explain Craigslist! I keep hearing about it but don't know how it works exactly?

[EvaGina]

Hey, thanks, I was just going off where I've had some success. At the library or through community health centers is where I have seen them 'advertised'.

To tell the truth, I came accross it through a women's shelter. But really, there are many type of groups out there offering a chance for a bunch of women to get together and do something like-minded - I have even seen climbing groups through there.

 

Thats great!!

I need to meet new people in this city, I would join an online dating thing as "friends" but I dont think my bf would be comfortable with that (understandably)

[Dako]

craiglist is a classified ad board that lists most cities.

It's almost replaced newspaper ads in my town, since it's free, up-to-date and gets good responses. I've bought and sold stuff there, but never used it to meet people. The personal ads are categorized pretty well.

[itsallgrand]

Thanks, Dak.

Hmm. Worth a browse.

[TallyM]

Thanks for your replies everyone,

 

Life is kinda funny ya know... not long after i posted this, did i go for a walk at lunch but i decided i wasnt going to eat in the caffeteria but get something else to cheer me up a bit... I was walking through the entrance of my work building and two of the other managers i work with that also started here recently were chatting there and they said hello to me etc, one of them was about to head back inside... so the other asked what i was doing for lunch and i said i was thinking about going to that sushi place where the food goes around on those little plates... and she said i love sushi i will come with you... so hey i had a lunch buddy today. We had a nice lunch and she said whenever either of us want sushi again we should call each other as she likes to go out sometimes for lunch too... which is fine as she is in a completely diff department to me. It was nice to have lunch with someone especially how i was feeling this morning.

 

I am interested in a woman's group too... I wonder how they work in Australia.

 

I am not keen on going pubbing and clubbing by myself, it seems to rub in the isolation thing even more. It feels really awkward just being there by myself. Thats why i thought when I saw that band play last year that atleast there is something to do besides just sit there like a lone goose twiddling my thumbs...And the guys hit on me and stuff, i dont know about making friends in pubs and clubs. I want to avoid the whole relationship thing for a while until atleast this court stuff is resolved and i am at more peace within myself... I just feel alone... i just want people to talk to and the odd person to ring up and say "Hi, how are you?"... and then its up to me if i want to talk about the ex stuff and everything else or just chat...

 

I have a personal trainer at the moment too at my gym to get me running again and my fitness back... I have lost so much fitness due to everything... and i have my first session on Wednesday night so i will see how that goes...Atleast i wont be working out by myself.

 

I also do the group classes at my gym but people dont talk... You know you just go to class, do your stuff and leave... but i dont want every one talking to me...as I am completely shy and awkward now.. its just nice to have people around me...

 

I dunno. I am at a weird place right now thats kinda hard to explain.

 

I guess so much has been going on its hard to relate to people. One thing that upsets me so much is how unfair it all seems. IT seems unfair that its taking this long in court... not one but two pregnancies is incredibly unfair... the situation with my last job... it all just seems unfair and i feel not envious of other people but like its rubbed in my face how much other people seem to be enjoying their lives and living it up when mine has been so hard. I mean i didnt ask for all this to happen to me, and i dont want to be a martyr... but it just seems unfair and its all been a bit too much, that it just gets me down sometimes and makes me retract from every one else around me furthermore.

 

Do i sound like a moron? I am beginning to feel a bit moronic... someone in my family said i should just get over it.... but there's so much to just get over and it makes me doubt people so much... even though its not their fault, and i shouldnt think less of people... but i do. I used to be so optimistic and a positivist and now i am becoming a bit biiter and twisted and i kinda think this is not how the best years of my life should be spent... like a bitter old lady but i think i am becoming like that... its hard to see the good in people and the world sometimes.