Huge age difference, making me sad.

[InNeedOfHelpxx]

Hi, thought I'd give this a try.

 

Well to be blunt, I have feelings for someone who is too much older than me. Lets see, I met him when I was 15 and he was 22 (so there is a seven year age difference). Of course nothing happened then, we were introduced at a family party and after finding some common interests, just spent some time talking, blah blah.

 

Well flash forward about three and a half years, and this guy is now one of my closest friends. Over the past three years we've developed a really strong friendship and I love him a lot (as a friend). Age has never been apparent in our friendship...we have hours-long conversations about the music, movies, and things we love. I guess it helps that we were born in the same decade and grew up more or less in the same generation. The only time I've noticed the difference is when we talk about my University, or when he talks about taking out loans to buy his new apartment.

 

Right so, I have major non-friend feelings for him. And the worst thing is, I know he feels the same way. Actually know it for a fact. So if I were 7 years older or he were 7 years younger, we'd already be together. But we can't be and it's driving me insane.

 

So many people have drilled it into my head that it would be disgusting if we got together because of the huge age gap, so now even if we both wanted to, I couldn't be with him because every single second of the relationship, I'd feel like I was doing something morally wrong.

 

Not only that, but our lives just wouldn't be compatible. He's a full grown man, looking for his own house, has a 9 to 5 job, etc. I'm an adult by law, but definitely not an adult in any other meaning of the word. It just wouldn't work. I mean we have fun when we're together because we have so many common interests. We can talk about anything from music to politics to religion to our future plans about getting married and having kids (not with eachother, just our plans in general.) And when we talk about those things we seem so compatible, but in reality, we're just not.

 

It's driving me crazy. I won't say I love him because that seems a bit extreme, but it's something close to that. I can't be just friends with him anymore, but I also know that we can't date so I am completely stuck.

 

And you know what the weirdest thing is? I know a girl in my dorm who is 19 and engaged to a 41 year old man. And absolutely nothing about that relationship strikes me as odd. They are in love and seemingly good together, and I can't say a bad thing about it. I know a 21 year old guy who is fixing to marry his 35 year old girlfriend, and once again, I think their relationship is perfectly acceptable. But to me, me being with a guy 7 years older is just wrong. I don't know why.

 

I don't know what to do. I need some serious guidance.

[Katerimo]

That's crazy - there's no problem here! At 18 a 7 year difference is fine! (Unless he's 11.... that's not fine ) Don't listen to people who say otherwise - it's about who you both are, not how old you are. If it had been three years ago, that would be been somewhat different - especially with our society and culture - but at 18, especially having had three years to get to know each other, you've got to work out if the real issues (not age related - just difference in your lives) are compatible and if he's worth pursuing... So good luck!!

[agent1607307371]

To me 7 years is really not that big of a gap. I personally tend to go (unconsciously) for men about 9-12 years older than me, so I can't say it's disgusting, but I can see that it's not completely the done thing socially...

 

If you can't be totally friends with him or date him, I'd recommend putting some distance between you. It's not fun but it does help to distance the feelings. No need to torture yourself with it.

 

Or wait it out. In another year and a half or so you'll be 20 and who knows how you'll feel about the situation and how to handle it.

[charley]

So you are 18 and he's 25? The obstacle is in your mind then. That's not even much of an age-gap, though it probably seems like it at your age.

 

I think usually it's young people who are most uptight about age-gap. I remember when I was 18 and my 28 year old cousin married an 18 year old woman. I thought he was such a pathetic perv, but then I was an 18 year old guy. What did I know? None of the older relatives thought a thing about it.

 

They've been happily married for 20 years now.

 

The people most likely to object are your friends because I think younger people tend to be more uptight about these things, on average.

 

However, when you're 20 and he's 27, no one would give it a thought. Even your friends wouldn't think anything of it. When you're 22 and he's 29 it'd be so normal as to go unnoticed by everyone.

 

The average age difference for married couples in the USA is 5 years, but up to 10 years is also very common. Up to 15 years is less common, but happens reasonably often. So why worry about 7 years?

 

Are you going to let your teenage friends and peer pressure rule your life? I'll bet that most people older than yourself would not find it odd for an 18 year old to date a 25 year old. Your parents might be OK with it too. After all, didn't you say you'd met though family? I'll bet your parents like him. They might even be relieved to have you dating a guy they like. I doubt they'd object.

 

Are you close to your mom? Talk to your mom about it, or just do what you want. Don't be taking advice from your age group peers though. They don't have enough life experience to be qualified to tell you what you should do.

[InNeedOfHelpxx]

See I know I'm being crazy. It's so annoying because if one of my friends came up to me and said "I'm 18 and I want to date a 25 year old," I'd tell her to go for it and that there's nothing wrong with it. I wouldn't even bat an eye at it. But when it comes to me and my own situations, I feel completely different. * * * is wrong with me?

[DN]

Seven years is no big deal. My eldest daughter is married to a man 14 years older than she and my youngest is engaged to a man 11 years older.

[charley]

That's crazy - there's no problem here! At 18 a 7 year difference is fine! (Unless he's 11.... that's not fine

 

Ahahahahahah ! That 11 comment was funny!

[Katerimo]

InNeedOfHelpxx - are you sure that the age is the only problem here? As it genuinely is not a problem in the eyes of most people these days, or any days in fact. Actually an older man is quite common! Have you got issues with having met through family? Or are you 'too compatible'? Scared of ruining the 'perfect friendship'? (Which is almost invariably the friendship which should be relationship but doesn't go there, avoiding the inevitable relationship tiffs!!).

 

If you're really in to this guy - and he is back - don't miss the chance over something that in a few years time you'd regret deeply.

 

And to add another statistic - my parents are 6 years apart, married at 18+25, kids at 19 - it's not in the slightest bit unusual

[InNeedOfHelpxx]

Yep, my aunt introduced us. She actually tried to set us up (with me being 15 and him 22 I find that a bit worrisome

 

It's not even my friends I'm worried about. My friends love him and have been trying to get me to date him for a long time. I mean at first they teased me a bit, but I know they would accept it and there'd be no problem. My mom was a bit nervous at first (can't blame her though), but she's said a few times that she thinks he's cute and my grandma loves him. It's my own insecurity, and (annoyingly enough), my need for acceptance from complete strangers. Because I know some people would have a problem with it, and even if I don't know them, that bothers me for some reason. I feel like the most melodramatic teenager in the world.

 

I keep thinking, "When I'm ___, he'll be _____." and it doesn't sound bad or weird to me at all, but I guess since I'm still a teenager it feels a million times worse. I don't know...knowing that he feels the same way makes me think that if I pass up this chance I'm an idiot.

[agent1607307371]

Maybe you just don't feel in your gut that it would be a good thing for you at this time. Maybe it's concern about his apparent adulthood, maybe it's a concern about how peole would look at you, or that if you did get together that it might not work.

 

Don't stress it, you know what's right for you.

[Honey Pumpkin]

There's a HUGE age gap between my parents (28 years) and they've been happily married more than 40 years. Seven years seems like nothing at all to me!

[Katerimo]

Something else! ..

 

Girls tend to look more mature for their age - and seeing an 18 year old (who'd probably look early 20's anyway) with a mid-20's guy is not something you'd even look twice for.

[charley]

I don't think complete strangers would even notice. Really, I don't think so.

 

If they did, they wouldn't care.

 

More importantly, you need to seek internal validation, not external validation. Strangers don't matter. You and he matter, your family matters, your friends matter some, and everyone else is a stranger - so heck with them.

[charley]

Something else! ..

 

Girls tend to look more mature for their age - and seeing an 18 year old (who'd probably look early 20's anyway) with a mid-20's guy is not something you'd even look twice for.

 

Right on. No stranger will even know if there's an age-gap or not, and they wouldn't care anyway.

[InNeedOfHelpxx]

InNeedOfHelpxx - are you sure that the age is the only problem here? As it genuinely is not a problem in the eyes of most people these days, or any days in fact. Actually an older man is quite common! Have you got issues with having met through family? Or are you 'too compatible'? Scared of ruining the 'perfect friendship'? (Which is almost invariably the friendship which should be relationship but doesn't go there, avoiding the inevitable relationship tiffs!!).

 

If you're really in to this guy - and he is back - don't miss the chance over something that in a few years time you'd regret deeply.

 

And to add another statistic - my parents are 6 years apart, married at 18+25, kids at 19 - it's not in the slightest bit unusual

 

I don't think I'm scared of really ruining the relationship per se...I think if we ever dated and something went wrong, we'd be able to stay friends. Or at least I hope so!

 

I think I know what my problem is. It's me. Even if our lifestyles were compatible, even if the relationship was amazing and we were in love and everything was perfect, I would ruin it with my insecurity. I care too much about what other people think. And even if they say they see nothing wrong with it, secretly I'd be worried that we were being judged. God I need to grow up! Maybe this is a sign that an 18 year old me isn't ready for an adult relationship?

[InNeedOfHelpxx]

I don't think complete strangers would even notice. Really, I don't think so.

 

If they did, they wouldn't care.

 

More importantly, you need to seek internal validation, not external validation. Strangers don't matter. You and he matter, your family matters, your friends matter some, and everyone else is a stranger - so heck with them.

 

True...you can tell he's a bit older than me, but he only looks like he's around 21 or so.

 

You're absolutely right. I know my friends approve, my family supports me no matter what. I just don't know how to go about getting "internal validation." I know it's the only thing that's missing and I have no idea how to be comfortable with it myself.

[charley]

Maybe you'll be ready when you're 20 or 21 then. You could just date out of sight for a while, or just continue as friends until you're older. However, he might find someone else and be taken by the time you're self confidence has matured. That's a chance you take by waiting. Would he wait for you? Do you have the confidence to ask him to wait? Have you ever discussed these things with him?

[InNeedOfHelpxx]

Maybe you'll be ready when you're 20 or 21 then. You could just date out of sight for a while, or just continue as friends until you're older. However, he might find someone else and be taken by the time you're self confidence has matured. That's a chance you take by waiting. Would he wait for you? Do you have the confidence to ask him to wait? Have you ever discussed these things with him?

 

I'm not sure if he would wait for me. I know he'd say that he would, but in reality I have no clue. I really don't want to take that chance.

 

It was discussed, very briefly about a week before my 18th and right before I left for college...we were sort of entertaining the idea of dating, and he said something along the lines of, "I don't want to ruin your college experience or anything by having you date an old guy." and I remember telling him that I didn't see him as much older and that he wouldn't be ruining anything. And at the time I really did believe that. I don't know what's changed.

[InNeedOfHelpxx]

Oh, and I'm sorry if I come off as a completely dramatic teenage nutcase or anything. I probably sound like I'm saying "Oh, we're 7 years apart, it's the end of the world!" and I don't mean to

[charley]

I'll bet that one year in college and you'll be 19 and ready. He'll probably wait for you because I'm guessing he's already been waiting for you for years now. That's why he's not already taken, I think.

 

In the meanwhile, you can just be friends and become closer friends. Do things - activities - as friends for now.

[InNeedOfHelpxx]

I'll bet that one year in college and you'll be 19 and ready. He'll probably wait for you because I'm guessing he's already been waiting for you for years now. That's why he's not already taken, I think.

 

In the meanwhile, you can just be friends and become closer friends. Do things - activities - as friends for now.

 

I actually think so too. In the 3 years we've been friends I've only seen him with one girl and it lasted about three or four days. Hmmm.

 

I think you're right. This year in college could do a lot of good for me. I'll probably feel more independent and adult-like than I do now, and I'll be more comfortable with this whole thing.

 

Thanks a lot

[charley]

During the next year, keep doing friends and family activities with him. The more the better.

 

Then a year from now, you can both be happy!

 

OK then. Problem solved!

[Katerimo]

I think you should talk to him - you sound confident that you can talk without it ruining things, especially if you think he likes you too! That doesn't mean you have to talk 'to start a relationship' but just to express your interest (I considered the analogy of "placing a deposit" and then rethought that statement ;-))

 

I agree that either accepting (in your own mind, and truly accepting) that 7 years is not a gap at all, or simply waiting until you feel comfortable - be that a few months or a year or two - is the best thing to do. And, most importantly, don't sweat it - if this guy is really in to you - and conversely you into him - then any wait will be worth it, and the silly issue of age will disappear into the blissful sunsets.

 

Take care

[InNeedOfHelpxx]

Thank you guys so much I'm glad I posted here, you've got no idea how much you've helped!

[charley]

It appears to me that he's already invested years into you. So he'll wait another year or two, if you need him to, especially if you are still actively friends and doing friends activities.

 

I do agree that talking to him about your mutual feelings, your fears and insecurities, and your need to wait a while before dating, are all good ideas. Talking can only help and won't hurt if you are truly compatible. I think you are compatible as shown by the number of years he's already invested in you and how comfortable you've been with each other.