we broke up

[sadcomposer]

Hi, I'm a newbie here. I fell in love with this girl 8 months ago. I am a musician and I like to smoke pot once in a while. I smoke about 1 gram a week. I have a good job, own my house, pay my bills, never do anything stupid whn I smoke. I told her all of this from the beginning. Now she told me that she thought she was falling in love even more with me, but that she could not see herself with a man that smokes pot. I told her that I was willing to try and quit but that I could not make promises and that I did not think it was a big deal. She would not budge, at all. She told me to leave and only call her once I have quit. I think I would be able to quit, but I think that it's not right to impose your will on somebdy like that, to give ultimatums in a relationship. There has to be room for compromise. So I'm really sad. I hope she will miss me enough to reconsider. Just ranting but any advice or support would certainly be appreciated. Composer:sad:

[never-too-late]

As harsh as it sounds, I understand your girlfriend and I totally agree. I would leave as well. She may come from a traditional family or she may be brought up to believe that smoking pot is irresponsible. Have you ever thought about having children with her? Us women, we think of ourselves: I love him, can he be my husband, dad to my children? Well, I am sorry but she may want to have a different example to her kids.

 

So if you love her and want to save something here, quit it! Be strong and quit it. If you don't want to quit it or you think you are not strong enough or you might event think that it's not a bad habit, then respect her decision and let her go. Maybe you will meet someone, who will share this habbit with you and won't have a problem with it.

 

However, I think for most women smoking pot is a big turn off and a sign of somehow irresponsibility to life.

[sadcomposer]

I'm 41, she's 43. I have one 17 year old daughter, she does ot have any kids. But it's true, if she can't accept it, I have to let her go. I would be wiling to try and quit, but the doubt would always remain with her. I think I might as well get over it. I'm very sad that things did not work out. I really loved her and she loved me. If she had told me something like "If ever you want us to live together, you will have to give that up" or " don't smoke it in front of me" or even some kind of a deadline, I would of really considered it, it's just that overnight it has become completely unacceptable to her, and she gave me an ultimatum. I told her I could try and quit, but that I could not predict the future and make promises that I'm not sure I can hold. Thanks

[darkpumpkin]

It's personal choice what someone does You should not change for someone just so that they can love you. It's that persons choice if they can deal with habits a certain person has.

 

I smoked weed for 4 years before I met my boyfriend. He expressed how anit-weed he was due to his brother being such a pot head. I never felt like it was a big deal. I had a good job, paid all my bills, was very responsible. I used to say some people drink well I choose to get high. I ended up quitting weed due the fact I was tired of the life style and needed a change. If you love her and don't think it's a big deal to quit then you should give it a go. If your lifestyle has never been a problem to you then I think you should consider what she's looking for.

[rosie76]

I agree that you shouldn't give up something you enjoy if it in itself does not interfere with the relationship. I.e. if my partner drank but I felt comfortable with drinking around the house and he didn't treat me badly, let me down, put the drink before me, etc., why should he stop it? If the drinking did come between us, though, that would be another matter. Or, for example, if I had had a father / partner / etc. who was an abusive alcoholic and was very sensitive to drinking.

 

What, exactly, is your girlfriend's objection to? Has she ever smoked, or is she strongly against it on principle? Does she have complaints that you are not available to her or fun to be around when you're stoned and she's not, or is just the fact that you are a drug user than bothers her? Maybe a disparity in permissiveness in your attitudes is the problem here, not really your habit, in which case no amount of giving in to her demands will make you more compatible.

 

Sorry this has come between you, but I think you're right not to give in to an ultimatum just to keep her.

[sadcomposer]

I think I could quit. I'm going to stop now, wait a couple of weeks and tell her that I have not smoked in 2 weeks. I will see. But I still think it's not right to try and change me like that.

[sadcomposer]

Thanks Rosie. She says that it's illegal, is an addiction and that it scares her. She thought I was funny when I smoked and she said that we actually had some very deep and interesting conversations. That's why I have a hard time understanding why she is so rigid in her thinking now.

[Mythical_Suicide]

Sounds to me like you're responsible as far as taking care of the important things in your life I see no reason for you to stop smoking pot every now and then because she wants you to.. My opinion on it is, its pot now what will she ask you to change or give up next? ya know.

[sadcomposer]

Exactly,what will be next? I think there is somethng deeper. I even asked if we could meet with a counselor to try and find a compromise. She disagreed and said she would not change her mind. She just does not want to be with someone who smokes. NC bigtime for me now. I will try and quit, but for myself, to see if I can. Not for her or to get her back. She must learn to compromise. You can't base a relationship on ultimatums. Thanks

[adahy]

It's funny that you don't think it affects anything. I've know many marriages end over this...as well as relationships. Why??...because the weed always comes first. As in this case, you're gonna let someone you "love" walk away because you'd rather be high. Newsflash - not everyone likes being around stoners. It doesn't make her a freak, or 'traditional', or conservative, or selfish or anything else...it's just not fun being around someone that is stoned and vacant. It's destructive to a relationship, and she is wise to distance herself. As a chronic user, I'm sure you think everything is normal....but it isn't.

 

I'm not trying to sound mean or condescending...I've smoked the green in the past and still have friends/acquaintances that do. I'm just saying that chronic users (of pot, alcohol, whatever) aren't good candidates to get involved with for a mature relationship. Typically, these folks have been getting high regularly for 10, 20, 30 years...so sure it's normal to them. However, for those on the "outside" it isn't so fun, normal or harmless. An older guy I know (mid 40's) recently got divorced and he was oblivious 75-80% of the time. Sneaking off to smoke a bowl every chance he got...in his own little world....oblivious. Yeah, he was a good guy for the most part..."if" you could reach him. All was normal to him though.

[sadcomposer]

Sorry, but I was willing not to smoke in her presense. I smoke less than a gram a week. I would not call that chronic. I don't smoke everyday.I can undertand where you are coming from, but she still gave me an ultimatum. I was willing to compromise and she would not. I think I am being reasonable. I'm even willing to try and quit, would she leave me as soon as I had a relapse? What I need is support, not ultimatums. If that is not good enough for her, it's sad, but it's over. Thanks

[Maverick32x]

I don't blame her at all... she has standards, and if you are not willing to reach those standards, than thats all there is to it..... GL quitting if you decide that the benefits outweigh the cost....

 

I won't be with someone that does hard drugs... if for whatever reason I fall in love with someone that does crack or something, I will pressure them to quit, and there will be NO middle ground.. bottom line. quit, or I would leave. If she feels the same way about pot, than thats her own choice.

[flower99]

Okay you laid this out from the start...why did she even bother to continue to date you?? Now she's trying to change you? that's just wrong. She should accept you the way you are. You were up front from day one. It seems like a control thing. If it was truly a problem she wouldn't have persued this relationship.

I agree with with your post, what's next?? She's giving unlimatiums & there is no compramise....if she's doing it with pot (A gram a week, that's hardly anything...that' like, 2 joints a week.) than she WILL do this with something else in time.

[flower99]

It's funny that you don't think it affects anything. I've know many marriages end over this...as well as relationships. Why??...because the weed always comes first. As in this case, you're gonna let someone you "love" walk away because you'd rather be high. Newsflash - not everyone likes being around stoners. It doesn't make her a freak, or 'traditional', or conservative, or selfish or anything else...it's just not fun being around someone that is stoned and vacant. It's destructive to a relationship, and she is wise to distance herself. As a chronic user, I'm sure you think everything is normal....but it isn't.

 

 

I don't think it's the weed, I think it's the principal. The Do it or I leave.

She knew of this from the beginning this was what he enjoys sooner than a drink. If she didn't like being around a 'stoner' than why did she begin the relationship? why did she date him for 8 months?? a gram a week = 2 joints a week. that's not chronic..that's like saying 2 beers a week makes you an alcoholic.

[amtjrtcet]

My ex of 6 yrs use to smoke. We both did when I met him. But I didn't really enjoy it. I quit by the time I was 20. He didn't.

 

Let me add, he's 6 yrs older then me, very ambitious, owns his own body shop, made a VERY good living.

 

Our relationship got more serious, we started looking for a house together, talked about marriage. When I was 21 we found a house. I told him I'd only buy this house with him if he quit smoking. I didn't want it in or around my house. So he quit. 3 months later I caught him smoking a joint in the garage. I sent him packing to his momma. I meant it. I did not want anything like that around my house. He finally actually quit and I let him move back in.

 

My point being, I understand why see's against it. Do what you want, but don't be upset when other's don't approve, esp. when it comes to drugs.

[amtjrtcet]

a gram a week = 2 joints a week. that's not chronic..that's like saying 2 beers a week makes you an alcoholic.

 

But beer isn't illegal.

 

If you're of legal age, you can't get arrested for having beer in your home.

[adahy]

I don't think it's the weed, I think it's the principal. The Do it or I leave.

She knew of this from the beginning this was what he enjoys sooner than a drink. If she didn't like being around a 'stoner' than why did she begin the relationship? why did she date him for 8 months?? a gram a week = 2 joints a week. that's not chronic..that's like saying 2 beers a week makes you an alcoholic.

 

All I can say is - if it isn't a 'priority', then don't make it one.

 

You're right, it isn't that much but that's not the point. I'm not a pot critic either in general, but I do hate the 'standard' alcohol vs. pot argument. For the record, I personally think alcohol is the single most destructive force mankind has ever known...yet I love to drink. However, if a girl had a problem w/ my drinking habits, I could totally respect that about her. I wouldn't find fault with her because of it. I would have a 'personal' decision to make...and if I only drank 2 beers a week vs. love, it'd be an easy decision to make...for me.

 

All relationships take compromise in some form. So yes, that means her also. If she truly loves him, then she could probably tolerate a couple J's a week. There are worse habits afterall. But everyone is different...and again, a personal decision has to be made.

[flower99]

"If you're of legal age, you can't get arrested for having beer in your home"

 

In Canada, Unless you have more than 15 grams on you. All he would get is a warning, or refer you to a program that might serve to educate, or rehabilitate you. Worst case, a 150$ fine.

[flower99]

I do agree well said.

[darkpumpkin]

I have to disagree with adahy. yes if you make smoking pot the most important thing in your life then you can't give anyone what they need. But how do these people feel about being with someone who goes out to the pub every weekend and has a drink? What is acceptable and what's not is personal choice. You just have to be willing to live with the results

[adahy]

I have to disagree with adahy. yes if you make smoking pot the most important thing in your life then you can't give anyone what they need. But how do these people feel about being with someone who goes out to the pub every weekend and has a drink? What is acceptable and what's not is personal choice. You just have to be willing to live with the results

 

That's what I'm saying. Everyone has their own decisions to make. It's okay if he wants to smoke pot. It's also okay if she doesn't like that. He's either gotta give it up, or she has to tolerate it. Both are personal decisions that only they can make.

 

For people that are habitual users of something, they often don't experience the full effects of their habit...or understand how it impacts those around them. Drugs do make a person different, feel different, etc...otherwise, we wouldn't do them. My recommendation is - If this girl is worth quitting for, then really quit. If not, then smoke up.

[Mythical_Suicide]

But beer isn't illegal.

 

If you're of legal age, you can't get arrested for having beer in your home.

 

 

My only feeling on this is weed is only illegal because it cant be taxed. alcohol is just as dangerous as weed, why can you drink something man made but cant smoke something thats natural? Makes no sense to me (Or better yet move to Amsterdam, Ha ha j/k).. I say never change for anyone she knew you smoked before she started dating you thereforeeee if she had such an issue she would have never dated you to begin with it's more or less a you choose this or choose me type of thing.

[sadcomposer]

I am at a total loss over this. Now, even if I quit, there would always be a doubt in her mind. If she came back and told me she decided she could tolerate it, I would actually be more motivated to quit. I hate that people (her included probably) think that I'm choosing pot over a woman. It's not true, I refuse to be given ultimatums. How can I make her understand that? I am keeping no contact for now. I hope that with time she will miss me enough to want to talk and try and work things out. But it must come from her. She told me that she never loved anyone so much before. She was married twice. But I am so sad, I can't concentrate. Geez, she makes me feel like a criminal. How could she take 8 months to say this. Why did she start going out with me in the first place. I told her everything right from the first week and told her if she wanted to back out, then was the time to do it.:sad:

[shadow34]

This is my two cents worth.....

 

I have to admit I am completely anti drug and I would never tolerate a man of mine taking drugs. My brother and my nephew are both screwed from pot..

 

but i think some people seem to be missing the point here..While we can say we dont blame her because she has standards or whatever, or that because we would feel that way the fact of the matter is that she KNEW from the very beginning what the score was and now it doesnt fit in her lifestyle she wants to change the man....

 

Im sorry but thats just not right, If she felt it was changing him as a person and was genuinely concerned he HAD neglected her and her responsibilities then I would say that would need to be disgussed...but telling someone you love that "Oh Ive changed my mind, that doesnt work for me anymore can you please change it"..No way, thats manipulation and it doesnt show that she accepts the man she fell in love with...

 

Lets also take into account that the girl also refused to go to counselling....If you love someone so much and you want it to work, you would do anything and I think we should applaud this man for a few reasons:

 

1/ For being considerate enough to try and reach a compromise and explore every avenue he can in order to save the relationship.

 

2/ He is being honest which very few men in this type of situation would.

 

She knew how it was and she shouldnt be trying to change him.Should she agree with it hell no, should he give up for HIM, hell yes it would be the best thing he ever did, but should he do it to appease someone else.....

 

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!...this is where resentment would come into it and the relationship would fail....

[sadcomposer]

Thanks Shadow, I think you said it right. I wish somebody would make her understand. I am willing to quit, but on my own terms and in my own time. I'm even willing to see a counselor to find strategies on quitting. I'm pretty certain that I can quit on my own without any help, but if I do need help, I will get it. Having her support would certainly be better than having my back against a wall. But to be honest, I snoke so little, I really enjoy it when I'm improvising at the piano, and overall I don't think it's a big deal. It has never taken control of my life. Thanks again