Tired & fed up w/ this sitch...long one...

[saucyminx]

Hi,

 

Relationship Commitment seemed like the only place to post concerning my situation... since there is no commitment... there's no breaking up, getting back together, etc.

 

Long story short (I'll try to make it short). Met this man just over 3 years ago at a staff function. We went home together... had an amazing time... didn't leave my bedroom for the following 10 hrs or so... enough said.

 

I hadn't (still haven't) met anyone quite like him. I can honestly say that I fell in love with him the very moment I saw him. He had me even before he said hello..........I wish I hadn't gone to that staff party.

 

The 10 hour amazing session lasted another 3 years. And 3 years of a fwb relationship can really f*#k a girl up. Can get a little confusing at times. Casual sex is called casual sex for a reason. But 1, 2, 3 times a week for three yrs is not casual... and not healthy.

 

Shortly after we first met, he became one of the most important people in my life. He is the only person who has seen the real me... no matter how ugly it is. I've never felt so safe with someone, ever in my life. We became great friends. We've seen the most intimate sides of each other... no matter how ugly, hairy, or w/ the bathroom door open... and have had the most amazing mind blowing moments that make you want light a smoke after.

 

We never dated. Never became g/b. Always spent time together at each of our homes. He never made the effort to take me anywhere, impress me or meet any of his friends. I kept telling myself that it was because he was 5 yrs youger than me, and he would come to his senses. Then I came my 30th birthday.

 

After countless discussions about why he didn't/couldn't be my boyfriend, and ending it for the 3rd or 4th time, I'd had enough.

 

I met someone else and put an end to it. Although I couldn't see it at the time, the new guy was BAD news. I wanted a commited realtionship so badly. The new guy moved in w/ me after 3 weeks. 1 month later I discovered his crack addiction and I was preganant... AWESOME!

 

And who was there for me? Guess who. Who kept calling, checking in on me and listened to me cry? Who moved me out of the apt? Guess who.

 

It's funny, after he moved me out of the pit of hell, he asked a question. "Did you want to be with him? Or just any guy who would be your boyfriend?" My answer, any guy. WHY WOULDN'T YOU BE THAT GUY?

 

I asked him to leave me alone for a while (december), and saw him twice this january. The second time he f$%ked me and we haven't talked since. He hasn't called. I feel like a * * * * *. I feel pathetic. I thought he actually cared about me, and was there for a reason, and that things might be different. I have never felt so hurt in my life.

 

I am trying so hard to forget about him and let this go. Try to be strong. I remind myself that he is not willing to be my partner, my boyfriend, my friend. Although I love him dearly, it is not reciprocated, and if it hasn't been after 3 years it probably will never be. SO MOVE ON.

 

Help me move on please. He will call me in a the next few days (patterns), someone tell me not to pick up the phone. PLEASE.

 

I can't live like this anymore.

[RayKay]

Hi hon,

 

 

 

I agree, it is time you break this cycle and this unhealthy relationship. Had you ever discussed being more than FWB?

 

I agree with the advice to not pick up the phone; in fact if you can change your number and lose his. Don't spend another three, six, nine years in this limbo - you are still young and have a lifetime ahead of you and deserve someone whom will committ to more than sharing a sexual appetite.

[caro33]

Hi saucy, sorry you feel this way.

 

Do you know why you won't let this one go? (And before you tell me it's because you guys get on so well, let's remember it doesn't work that way. You need him to be a bunch of things he has shown he is not.)

 

So I guess what I am asking, is what do you think it is in yourself that means that you want this guy so badly?

 

In my opinion your situation looks like you need to:

- Recognise what it is in yourself that has brought you here, and make a solid plan to make new plans for yourself.

- Recognise that you can't pick out the good bits of a relationship and wallpaper over the stuff that doesn't suit you. You do seem to have recognised this, mostly.

- Recognise that there's a limit to your strength to manage this one for now, so you need a plan of action to turn to when you feel sad or weakened. Rely on process if you cannot rely on your emotions. So plan out what happens when he calls - decide now whether you pick up the phone, and what you say. It's not about him being a bad bloke, it's about you protecting yourself. You can even tell him this.

- Be kind to yourself in the meantime and do not put yourself in jeopardy with anyone else. While I agree that sometimes the best way to get rid of memories of someone is to replace them with someone else, your past experience with that speaks otherwise. Make a promise to yourself about what you will and will not allow yourself to do with any new men. I suggest keeping any further relationships really light and intimacy-free until you feel more healed.

 

You will see I have focussed on plans, promises and process. That may be just the way I think, perhaps there are other options. For me though, the only way to manage my fears and needs for bad relationships in my life has been through committing to change and making plans, in order for those processes to kick in and trump the bad stuff when it arises. After a while the need subsides and you feel stronger, but you must give it time.

 

Keep strong, you sound like you are generally on the right track.

[saucyminx]

Thank you for your replies.

 

Yet again, I caved and subjected myself to the ongoing saga this last weekend. And I was left feeling even more lonely and upset then ever before. ](*,)

 

I think that I have finally realized why I have been putting myself through this for so long. And I have had enough!

 

My closest friends were finally honest with me. I asked them for the hard and ugly truth. And I got it. And I can honestly say that I can now see that I deserve soooooo much more. Thank you for your replies, without them I wouldn't have listened to my friends and turned my head.

 

Now it's time to gather the courage not to answer the phone calls and emails. I can do it! Right?

[caro33]

Absolutely, of course you can. Just keep trying every day - it WILL get easier to move past this, but you need to be extra strong to start with.

 

Lean on your friends, lean on us.

 

Good luck!