New and need advice

[fortywhatever]

I had an affair that lasted several years. More emotional than anything. I ended the affair once and for all recently. I just could not live with it anymore. My problem is...(and I know it's MY problem). I can't get past the fact that I feel like a bad person for dumping him. I know I did the right thing. My husband and I are fine in our marriage. It is not in my personality to be mean and disrescpectful, but I had to think of myself. I had to get abrasive with him and told him to leave me alone.

 

The affair and the partner gave me NOTHING but heartache and tears. I hurt the worst of the two of us and now I am still struggling! What's up with me???? Hopefully it's just part of the healing I gotta do.

[cranbers]

It makes so much more sense to leave the person you dislike, and find someone new. Be alone for a while in between.

 

I have never chated on my wife, physically but yes a cyber affair with the women living thousands of miles away I did do. I gues sit was more a of a fantasy then anything. It was with ex gf's from my high school years and im now 26. was I saying I Love you, kind of after awhile.

 

Anyway, an affair is fun if your relationship is not very good, but physically I don't think I could live with myself, physically sleeping and having relations with someone.

 

As for you being hurt does your hubby know? If he doesn't maybe you should tell him? Say it happened and its over now? See what he does, I have no doubt that will help you heal and maybe it will hurt at first but in the end it may make you stronger and your relationship strong. If he does leave you, so be it. Everyone makes mistakes and if he can't forgive you. do you want to live in a lie for the rest of your days with him? have it come out when your in retirement years?

[NotReady]

First of all, I commend you for doing the right thing. I'm sure as you have read in most of the posts here that regardless of who broke it off, you will feel the loss. It's just part of being human, we will feel a certain grief to just about any attachment we form, whether it be a person, a pet, a job, etc. And this is the time to heal too, for the hurt that this has caused you. Do not worry about him at this point because you had to do what you had to do to break it off and survive emotionally.

[fortywhatever]

He knew I was hurting for awhile, but I kinda started keeping it more inside because I think I'm dwelling on it all too much. Especially right now. I replay the affair in my head, the words that were spoken, the actions, the disapointments and the laughter. I really want to just allow myself to let it all go. Sometimes I feel like I can and will, then other times I still wanna hold on just a tiny, tiny bit, don't know why tho.

[fortywhatever]

First of all, I commend you for doing the right thing. I'm sure as you have read in most of the posts here that regardless of who broke it off, you will feel the loss. It's just part of being human, we will feel a certain grief to just about any attachment we form, whether it be a person, a pet, a job, etc. And this is the time to heal too, for the hurt that this has caused you. Do not worry about him at this point because you had to do what you had to do to break it off and survive emotionally.

 

Thank you for your kind words. It's a BIG emotional loss. I know I should not worry about him, cause I'm sure he isn't worrying about me like this.

[NotReady]

I know how you feel because I have been there too that's why I sympathize with you and admire your courage. I have been NC (No contact) with him for about a couple of months now but it still hurts so do not be surprised at how you feel. It is a rollercoaster but the payoff is your peace of mind which you can never have with him.

[fortywhatever]

I know how you feel because I have been there too that's why I sympathize with you and admire your courage. I have been NC (No contact) with him for about a couple of months now but it still hurts so do not be surprised at how you feel. It is a rollercoaster but the payoff is your peace of mind which you can never have with him.

 

 

You know......for a long time now all I wanted was to be back like I was before I had the affair. I know alot of people that had affairs probably feel that same way. I can't seem to find a happy medium within myself. I'm upper 40's in age and starting menopause, going thru the ol' "emotions scattered all over the place" feelings. Can't tell alot of people how and why I am like I am, if they ask. I never knew a person (the other guy) could emotionally drain me so bad and probably not feel anything at all. It surely is one wild ride.

[NotReady]

You know......for a long time now all I wanted was to be back like I was before I had the affair. I know alot of people that had affairs probably feel that same way. I can't seem to find a happy medium within myself. I'm upper 40's in age and starting menopause, going thru the ol' "emotions scattered all over the place" feelings. Can't tell alot of people how and why I am like I am, if they ask. I never knew a person (the other guy) could emotionally drain me so bad and probably not feel anything at all. It surely is one wild ride.

 

Is he married as well? Mine was and the thing is, it is draining because of the uncertainty and the extreme highs and lows of the situation. It is better that you ended it because in my case, he was the one who detached slowly and now I feel used. Just don't expect this to be easy, because it is certainly like an addiction that you have to wean yourself out of. There is a book I read written by Judith Sills, and it's about getting off a dead horse. When most of the time the relationship causes you pain, it is definitely dead, plus the fact that it's wrong too. The way to get off it is to face your fear of withdrawal, and doing what you think and not what you feel.

[fortywhatever]

Is he married as well? Mine was and the thing is, it is draining because of the uncertainty and the extreme highs and lows of the situation. It is better that you ended it because in my case, he was the one who detached slowly and now I feel used. Just don't expect this to be easy, because it is certainly like an addiction that you have to wean yourself out of. There is a book I read written by Judith Sills, and it's about getting off a dead horse. When most of the time the relationship causes you pain, it is definitely dead, plus the fact that it's wrong too. The way to get off it is to face your fear of withdrawal, and doing what you think and not what you feel.

 

Yes, he is married. He would tell me the usual stuff of how he had plans for our future and how we will be together and all that stuff and yes I hung on but then again I tried for several years of this affair to get out. I was teetering and tottering for along time. I found that I didn't like the person I had become. Enough was enough.

[NotReady]

Yes, he is married. He would tell me the usual stuff of how he had plans for our future and how we will be together and all that stuff and yes I hung on but then again I tried for several years of this affair to get out. I was teetering and tottering for along time. I found that I didn't like the person I had become. Enough was enough.

 

Same here, we need to heal on the inside because of the person we've become as a result. The decision has been made so it's time to move on. Let us know how you're doing.