The rear view mirror (or how I'm dealing with this)

[hjc]

I'll keep my story short (just search my other threads for more info) but basically I split up with my ex of 2 years, about 6 months ago. She'd started to pull away before then and so with hindsight no surprise when she said she wanted to break up. She was an old friend who was going through a divorce and became something more...so I was pretty gutted when it all ended.

 

She told me she needed space to be on her own..and then promptly I discover she's seeing someone else (as ever actions speak louder than words).

 

Anyway, I've spent the past few months trying to move on, going on dates, focussing on me and trying to do NC (I say "trying" 'cos I did respond when she contacted me, but otherwise NC). Saw her a few weeks ago at a mutual friend's party (with her new guy) which was pretty tough. I've spent far too much time missing her and thinking about her (and I guess ](*,))...

 

However yesterday I had a bit of a revelation. I started to focus my mind on my ex as a part of my past and not my present or future. I thought about her in the context of being a great memory but not something here and now. I've focussed on her as being in my rear view mirror rather than something I can see on the road ahead (or indeed inside the car with me). Now when I think about her, it is in a favourable light as someone with whom I shared good times, but who is no longer in my life. So I feel no resentment or anger, just a smile or two at the good old days.

 

There isn't anyone in my life at the moment (though I'm in the early stages of dating someone I think is fantastic and hope will become a lot more than she is now) but I've made myself comfortable with where I am and the fact my ex is my ex.

 

And I've actually felt sorry for her and her new guy. She's moved from her marriage to me and from me to him without having a chance to get to know herself (and go through a lot of what I've been through in the past few months)...and that leads me to think that her current relationship with him is going to face a rocky road ahead at some point once the novelty wears off. Of course she won't want to face a third failed relationship so will put every effort into making it work....which it might for a while. I'm not saying this because I want her back; in fact far from it, I actually think she needs time on her own and (at least I like to think this) if she came back to me I'm not sure I'd take her back as I'm not sure it would last. So I kinda feel that she's missed time to find herself and feel sorry for her. I'm not sure he knows what he's taking on...

 

And its weird but this rear-view mirror thing is helping me to focus on the road ahead not the road I've already driven on....in fact I feel so positive about that, taht I've ignored a call from her asking if we can meet up; something I wouldn't have done before. I'll call her back when I feel like it/have time but I'm not rushing. Right now the girl on the road ahead gets me first.

 

I just thought I'd post to see if it helps anyone else (and of course to have the chance to just express myself to a sympathetic audience). I'm finding that viewing her through the rear-view mirror makes me feel stronger and more confident; I'm not suggesting moving on is easy (and of course the concept of a mirror means you can still see them and think about them), I just like the idea of thinking about them in the context of the past not the present or the future.

 

Posting this here 'cos I was a definitive "I want her back" kinda guy, but now I'm not so sure....

[Dako]

I've used that same metaphor to cope with my past, and it seems to work well, though at times my car isn't moving.

 

You seem to be doing quite well.

[FCTex]

You sound in a great spot, keep it up..

 

I know exactly what you mean( search some of my posts).. It's a really good time, when you can look back and be "okay" to a degree with what took place, even during the break up.

 

It's another when you know you can walk away from the fire and wreckage, and not want to go back in to get burned.. When enough is enough, you'll realize it, and thats when we all move from the "getting back" to the "getting on" section of our lives.

 

My ex of 1.5 years, who I dated for 2 years, is just a fading memory. Albeit I'm engrossed in her life for years to come because of my career, I certainly keep my checks and balances. She's single again, and I'm quite happy with the fact she hasn't made any "real" advances to talk to me. I know it wouldn't work out again, certainly not now, and certainly not under any current circumstances, and I believe she understands that too.

 

 

But to be brutally honest, I'm in a 1 year, 3 month(don't quote me on it!) relationship right now. Happy? Sure. In love? To a degree. I'm enjoying my life and my company, but I can't lie that this long.. THIS long since the break up, I still sometimes on a low day, catch a whim and a what-if.. It happens, so keep your head level man.