Getting rid of hope of getting back

[drum4god]

I am on day 36 of NC. This is techinically our 3rd breakup. I am sure many know my story, but for those who don't here is my situation.

 

She broke up with me last January. She said she didn't have the feelings she needed. After 9 weeks of NC she came back, and told me she missed and realized she did have feelings. Things were great for awhile, but then she was hot and cold. She broke up with again in Oct because we had a fight. She called me up the next day at work really upset to appologize, and told me she really loved me and wanted to work things out. It was good for a little while, then the pattern started again.

 

Fast forward to Christmas. We had a nice Christmas, she even came to my Aunt's house - which was something that was an issue with us. My family said we looked happy, and she looked real happy. 2 days later she breaks up with me over the phone. She tells me, she wanted in her head and doesn't feel it in her heart. She said I am not the man for her. I didn't fight her. I told her there is nothing I can do, if you are not feeling it.

 

Anyway, I saw ran into her at a party, and she didn't look well. We had small talk. I found out from a friend she was not doing well. She is hurting, but she told her friend she made the right decision.

 

So my question is. knowing NC worked like a charm the first time. How do I get rid of hope of her coming back? Especially knowing she is hurting.

 

She said I was not the man for her, but she said something similar the first time. I also never begged her to stay with me. I would question her feelings, but always respected her feelings, and kept my dignity.

 

I really want to move on. I know I deserve better. I even have a friend that is dying to set me up with someone. I saw a picture of her and she is very attractive, but I don't know if I am ready.

 

All because I have this feeling she will call me again. Its strange, most people here hope their ex's call them back, but I am not sure if I want that. If she wanted me back, I don't even know if I would go back to her. I don't trust her, but I always have this hope in the back of my mind that she will come back changed (she has some emotional issues), and that hardly happens.

 

Its doesn't make it easy I see her in church every Sunday.

I know just because NC got them back the first time doesn't mean it will happen again, but I think its only normal for you to think it will happen again. I

 

That is why I warn those to be careful what you wish for when it comes to NC. NC got my ex back the first time. In fact it worked like a charm. I was right on the threshold of getting over her, and she contacts me. She breaks my heart again, and its always harder the 2nd time, and now I have this false hope. If NC didn't get her back the first time, I would have this hope. Its crazy.

 

Can anyone relate to what I am saying. I don't know if what I said made any sense.

[disgruntledbaker]

i can relate. big time. and you're not crazy for it

 

you gotta do what you gotta do, but personally if i was being set up with a beautiful girl right now i'd go for it. for no reason other than i'd be kicking myself if i didn't "just incase" the ex calls for me and a) doesn't ever call or b) calls and then leaves me again

[LCD01]

Hey drum4god_

 

You have no idea how I can relate. Like you, I went through two break-ups (broke up 2nd time in Nov.) and wish I never took her back the first time. After the first break-up I never really trusted her and so I prepared for the 2nd one, knowing it was coming sooner or later. She gave me the "I'm not in love with you anymore".

 

So it's been almost 3 months now (about 40 days of NC) and I still miss her and think about her constantly. I can't even buy wine at my local grocery store because the it reminds of us. The funny thing is, like you, I don't think I would take her back, but every day I am hopeful she will call me and want me back. I want her to want me again.....I hated being rejected by her because I was always the strong one in the relationship, helping her with her emotional issues. And it upsets me that she couldn't appreciate how good I was to her. BTW, I got that "lack of spark" speech from her too, and I can totally relate with you on how relationships are more than having a spark 24/7.

 

Anyway, good luck and remember there are people out there like me that know exactly what you're going through.

[Big Jim]

Hey mate,

I know exactly what you are talking about. My situation is a little different in being that we broke up once way earlier, then were together for a couple of years. However, i know what you mean about knowing "its not over completely, and that she will call". My girl broke up with me a year ago, lots of drama, another guy waiting around etc. Drama over a year, (friends, more, not talking, repeat), until i finally had enough, cut it off. It doesn't make it any better for them to want you back. I thought it would too, then she recently did, and i had to say no. Then you start second guessing yourself, maybe she has changed, maybe i can trust her... etc. You really gotta get space and look at it objectively...this is a pattern, nothing has really changed etc. Sorry about your situation