skyblue1 Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 Hi, Was seeing this guy for a few months and we used to have MSN chats, texting and see eachother every week. But it was mostly to do with lust in his eyes. For the past couple of weeks his just disappeared! Don't see him on MSN anymore and no other contact. Why do men do this? Link to comment
chai714 Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 Not all men act a certain way, so let's avoid the stereotypes. I think you should ask yourself, "how can I make him want to talk to me again?" What interests him? What are his hobbies, his goals? Link to comment
Scout Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 Why do men do this? Ok, the good news is "men" don't do this. "Women" don't either. However, people who don't deal well with confrontations (or what they perceive will be a confrontation) do. In other words, there are some people who don't have the backbone to just be honest and let someone gently know they've changed their minds about pursuing something. Instead, they pull the "fade out" or a complete disappearing act. It's cowardly, it's hurtful, but some people do do it. You can usually spot warning signs/red flags in the beginning if they're gonna be flaky or insincere people. I bet there was at least one with this guy that you overlooked. Link to comment
skyblue1 Posted January 29, 2007 Author Share Posted January 29, 2007 I always tried finding things out about him. like his likes and dilsikes etc. But he never really fired the questions back on me. Link to comment
Scout Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 But he never really fired the questions back on me. There's at least one of your red flags. Link to comment
skyblue1 Posted January 29, 2007 Author Share Posted January 29, 2007 Maybe he didn't see me as girlfriend material? Link to comment
skyblue1 Posted January 29, 2007 Author Share Posted January 29, 2007 Thanks scout! Would have been nice to know instead of leaving me wondering. Don't people care about anyones feels when they do such a thing? Link to comment
Scout Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 Maybe he didn't see me as girlfriend material? You could actually ask him why he's disappeared. Have you tried that? We don't have the answers, unfortunately. But I can tell you that his abrupt disappearance reflects more on him than it does on you. That is, if there was absolutely no event you can think of that triggered his sudden departure. Link to comment
Scout Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 Don't people care about anyones feels when they do such a thing? I think a small part of them does, but mostly they just feel guilt and unease, and so they take the cowardly way out and not deal with it. If they only knew how much more hurt they end up causing by doing that, maybe they would think twice, bite the bullet, and just own up to how they really feel. Link to comment
skyblue1 Posted January 29, 2007 Author Share Posted January 29, 2007 E-mailed him a few days ago and he did response back then i sent him response from the question and he didn're reply. Even txted him a week ago saying it would be nice to see you soon but no reply from him. Is this a sign he doesn't fancy me or want me in his life anymore. I've only been nice to him now his gone Link to comment
Scout Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 Give it another week. If you haven't heard anything, you could email him and ask if he's still interested in seeing each other. That you would like to, but if he's not interested, you won't take it personally. Unless there is something he could give you insight on that might help you in your future dating endeavors. In that case, again, you won't take it personally. Link to comment
skyblue1 Posted January 29, 2007 Author Share Posted January 29, 2007 Will hold on for another week and see how it goes. I always thought if a guy fancies the pant off you they will make effort and keep in touch. I don't want he to think i'm a complete freak chasing after him. Going to try and get over him if i don't hear anything. I just can't believe it though! It's not nice to treat people like this and i thought he had a little respect for me. Link to comment
Scout Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 I always thought if a guy fancies the pant off you they will make effort and keep in touch. They usually do. So, don't expect too much from this guy. But even if he did contact you again, I don't like that he never asked you many questions about you. I bet you're an interesting young woman worthy of someone wanting to know better. So, if things don't pan out with this guy, do NOT beat yourself up over it. The plain truth is, not everyone we meet in life will always think we're just perfect for them. Everyone has their own idea of what they like/don't like, so take this philosophically if it doesn't work out. And yes, hold out for a week. You may be surprised to find by then that you're not that much interested after all in a guy who would just fade out without so much as a by-your-leave. Link to comment
skyblue1 Posted January 30, 2007 Author Share Posted January 30, 2007 You have been a great help to me Scout. Feeling much better now Well i'm going to try and not let him get me down too much. It's a shame though because i had a lot to offer him. Link to comment
shane3 Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 He doesn't meet your needs, that's clear. He seems disrespectful, and not really into getting to know you. Why bother chasing him? Why do you even want to chase a guy? Link to comment
Scout Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Why bother chasing him? Why do you even want to chase a guy? Unfortunately, it can be a natural inclination for males/females to chase after someone who doesn't appear interested. It's usually all about hurt ego and pride. Not really so much to do with the actual object of our interest. I wish I could say I'd never done the same, but that would be a lie! So, to the original poster, I urge you not to make that mistake and keep your self-respect instead. When someone is this flaky so soon, it's never ever a good sign. If you want to know if he'll give you a specific reason, then take my previous advice before and ask him in a week. But honestly, my opinion is it's not worth it. A decent person just does not blow people off so callously. And you want to be with a decent person, right? As the famous advice goes: "Be particular!" Link to comment
skyblue1 Posted January 30, 2007 Author Share Posted January 30, 2007 i just hate the feeling that the person has been me so many times and now he decides he can't be bothered to communicate with me gets me so angry. I know what you mean why should i bother if he doesn't want to get to know me for who i am. Link to comment
Scout Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 i just hate the feeling that the person has been me so many times and now he decides he can't be bothered to communicate with me gets me so angry. I know what you mean why should i bother if he doesn't want to get to know me for who i am. I completely understand your feelings. It's rude, plain and simple. Give it a week, and if you still haven't heard anything, and you're still angry, then again...a direct email asking him if you should assume you two won't be seeing each anymore isn't out of order. I wouldn't add or ask much more than that, though. Link to comment
Boughs Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Make sure you say "its fine if you don't have any interest in my anymore, if you ever did, I'd just like a concrete answer." I think that might help him escape the situation he is uncomfortable in, and thus, set you free. Link to comment
caro33 Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Yes it sounds like this guy might just not be who you hoped he was. Completely understand you are hurt and want to know what's happening, but I think that continuing to contact is not likely to give you the closure I assume you want. Like Scout said, heaps of us have been in your position. For me, I have just wanted to keep contacting in the hope that maybe the guy was busy at that exact moment I last tried, maybe his computer system was down, or god forbid, maybe he was sick in hospital. Maybe he's had a brain fart and misunderstood me. If I just show him one more time how cool and awesome I am, he'll get it... Errmmm. No. When you look at this situation objectively it just isn't like that. By all means contact in a week if that thought helps to control your anxiety right now, but I sincerely hope that you are able to chalk this up to experience and move on. He may have all sorts of stuff going on in his life, granted, but if he was really the guy for you he would have been far more interested. And if he's not the guy for you, why waste time? That guy who wants to know everything about you and wants to be with you all the time isn't far off - give him a chance to meet you when your heart is open . Try not to take this personally, like I said some form of freezeout happens to most of us at some point and it's no reflection on you or the effort you put into the relationship. It says more about him and the timing of things than anything else. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 actually, i've heard this called the 'houdini syndrome' after the great magician who did disappearing acts, now you see him, now you don't... the guys who do this usually have commitment problems, and sometimes they disappear right when you are getting most close and intimate, because they don't really want that... and many of them can't even commit to a breakup (they want to leave the door open just in case they change their mind), so they just kind of disappear and don't even break up with you, and you are scratching your head thinking maybe you did something wrong or something happened to them, but they are just too cowardly to have the discussion, and want to leave the door open in case they change their mind... and they frequently show up later like nothing has happened, with a 'hey, how are you and let's go to dinner' just like nothing happened! and they usually have some kind of fabulous (unbelievable) story about why they disappeared on you, and try to get back in with you again... but the reality may be he wanted to pursue some other woman for a while, or got bored, or whatever, then he comes back round again if he has a dry spell with other women... but the truth is, this kind of behavior is very cruel, because you never get any form of closure, and you are worrying what you did wrong when it was NOTHING wrong, just a cowardly non-committal guy who wants to wander in and out of your life according to his own needs and schedule... so unless he was in a coma and could not dial the phone or email, there's really no excuse for this, because it takes just a minute to send someone email to update them what is going on even if very busy... you have to remind yourself he is not staying in touch becuase he does not want to stay in touch, not for any other reason... so don't be confused, guys like this are not worth having, they are so insensitive to other people's feelings and only work their own agenda... (not just guys who do this of course, women do too, they just quit taking a guy's calls without explanation....) best of luck, and find someone whose favorite trick is NOT a disappearing act! 1 Link to comment
Kevin T Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 I think it's better for someone to just "disappear" and cut contact than it is to string someone along, with false hopes. That's far more cruel and insidious. Link to comment
TheSmilingTurnip Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 E-mailed him a few days ago and he did response back then i sent him response from the question and he didn're reply. Even txted him a week ago saying it would be nice to see you soon but no reply from him. Is this a sign he doesn't fancy me or want me in his life anymore. Yes. Try to forget him and get interested in others. You will heal. You're better off without someone so inconsiderate and non-forthright. Link to comment
skyblue1 Posted January 30, 2007 Author Share Posted January 30, 2007 Thank you for all your advice. Think it's given me wake up call! I have decided not to contact him after all. Going to let him fade away like the rest of the guys that have done this to me. Link to comment
Scout Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Excellent points! I love the "can't even commit to a break up" observation, BeStrong! LOL, so true... Link to comment
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