Ethics of The Honeytrap

[Daddy Bear]

I think it comes down to this, Ant: which is potentially more damaging; to set him up, or to go on wondering? Only you can answer that.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Hmm...so:

 

If one were to ever test their S.O character, this'd be the way to do it?

 

Is it wrong to "test?" Don't we do it ALL the time, anyway? Not only in times like this...just in conversation, when we are counting on them to say "I love you" or something.

 

It hadn't occurred to me that there's a difference between testing the water and playing a massive game.

 

I think...I'd send a message, and if he responded blandly/benignly, fine. If he actively sought to chat with this pseudo-girl, I'd follow that until I had enough printable evidence to throw in his stupid face.

 

However, I am quite vengeful!

 

Christ, its tempting now. But I shall not.

 

Although you could say it saves you both trouble. if your partner is going to cheat, youd both be better off apart from each other - you cant be making them that happy if they feel the need do that.

[Daddy Bear]

I think it is one thing to see if they respond to the initial email from a stranger, and in what way they respond.

 

I think it is a total other, rather heinous thing to string them along in some sort of emotionally viscious game where you see how far they will take it. THis damages the player and the playee and really has no other value than driving your point home with a vengance.

 

I see no problem in testing the waters if it helps the overall health of the relationship and solves your trust issues. But on the first clue that he is taking the bait, you need to stop, bring it up, and see if you buy his story.

Walk through this with me: she sends him a flirty, but platonic, wink. He writes back and says, "Hi, I'm John. Sure, let's have tea." What does that prove? Speaking hypothetically, if I was to bother going through with this type of thing, I wouldn't lead sexually, but nothing would have been accomplished if I stopped after a cordial response to my initial inquiry. Only by seeing how far he would go could a real conclusion be reached.

[karvala]

And they can't be making you happy if you feel the need to check.

[karvala]

Walk through this with me: she sends him a flirty, but platonic, wink. He writes back and says, "Hi, I'm John. Sure, let's have tea." What does that prove? Speaking hypothetically, if I was to bother going through with this type of thing, I wouldn't lead sexually, but nothing would have been accomplished if I stopped after a cordial response to my initial inquiry. Only by seeing how far he would go could a real conclusion be reached.

 

I'm not sure you could even reach a conclusion, then. Let's carry on here. Scenario A: he's interested in a sexual encounter. You throw the evidence at him at some point after that, and he says he knew it was you all along, and he was playing you at your own game. How do you know whether it's true or not? Scenario B: he's not interested in a sexual encounter. Great, peace, you can trust him. But can you still trust him tomorrow? I know, you do it again then. And again. And again.

 

I can't say it enough: this really is a bad idea.

[DN]

I'm not sure you could even reach a conclusion, then. Let's carry on here. Scenario A: he's interested in a sexual encounter. You throw the evidence at him at some point after that, and he says he knew it was you all along, and he was playing you at your own game. How do you know whether it's true or not? Scenario B: he's not interested in a sexual encounter. Great, peace, you can trust him. But can you still trust him tomorrow? I know, you do it again then. And again. And again.

 

I can't say it enough: this really is a bad idea.

Scenario C: he didn't take the bait because it wasn't appealing - but suppose the next one is. Or the one after that.

 

"oh, what a tangled web we weave,

when first we practice to deceive'.

Sir Walter Scott

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Hmmm.......I'm fairly sure I'll never do it.

 

Its a lot more complicated than it first looks, after all.

[rocio]

ALSS: How would you feel if he did this to you?

[RayKay]

Since you are asking about the ethics of it, I would say it is against my own ethical/moral code.

 

And I also think that if someone is driven to set up such a trap in the first place, it is because they already know something is up; or because there is no trust and in that sense they should leave with their own integrity intact.

 

I am extremely committed and loyal to my partner; and would not worry about being so baited, but I will tell you right now if someone did that to me I would be showing them the door as it would show 100% they had no trust in me or whom I was, when I had done nothing to deserve that lack of trust. And it would also show me their own dishonesty.

 

I would never do that to someone I loved and trusted either. If my trust was so gone as to feel tempted too...it would be time for a serious talk or for me to determine if it was time to walk as they had been showing in other ways they were not trustworthy.

 

It also creates a slippery slope...if they pass; and you still feel insecure, what is the next test? And the next? It just erodes the trust more and more; and lowers your own integrity more and more.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

If he did it to me, I'd understand - I've cheated on almost everyone else, he'd be entitled to a bit of light checking-up, no problem.

 

I don't feel tempted to do this out of serious suspicion - its through sheer paranoia. Ive had the most foul moods lately and the sickest kind of thoughts. I'm pretty scared. This should be the LEAST of my worries, but I was nonetheless thinking of it.

[Suesser Tod]

LOL, what a way to sabotage a relationship!

 

To be honest, its a trap, you know him too well to know his weakest and you'll use it on your advantage, and to make it worse, whatever happens, you're going to take it the worse way possible.

 

 

At least it will make for a loud breakup with lots of hatred for the aftermath.

 

 

Seriously AS, if you keep looking, you'll find something that, at least for you, is enough to break up for.

[eleanorrigby1]

I did something similar for a friend once. It was one of those things that was relatively painful at the time, but made us all laugh afterwards. My friend didnt think she could trust her boyfriend when he went out with his mates because he got so drunk and was a real flirt.

 

I rang him and put on a really girly voice, said my name was Sarah and i had met him the night before in the pub. He was puzzled "I dont remember..?" I said "your friend Dave gave me your number.." he was like "oh right.. oh yeah i remember you" (probably talking to someone else or lying because he felt bad admitting he didnt - truth is, i wasnt there, im not sarah so it weas funny that he lied anyway!)

 

He says "what dya look like?" I said "blonde curly hair, 5 foot 2, slim... hey! i thought you remembered me!" He laughs "I was just checking!"

 

I say "So i was wondering if you wanted to meet for a drink?"

 

bear in mind he doesnt remember who this girl is. he says "yes sure!" and i arrange a place and me and my friend sit in a car on the other side of the road and we watched him sit there for an HOUR waiting for this imaginerary girl! my friend was devestated.

 

the next day we went into the pub and she punched him on the nose! he said "what was that for?!"" I said "hi baby! im sarah!"

 

that was a few years ago now...

[ImThatGirl]

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Antilove !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Let's say you did set him up? He passes. Would you still have that intense paranoia?

 

I understand the temptation of doing it. I understand your reasons to do it. But I think it is an unfair and inaccurate test. Some people would respond in a friendly manner that could be mistaken for more EVEN though they'd never think about cheating. I'm afraid for you, it could just open a huge can of worms.

 

The guy luvs ya. He does. He does. He does.

[shellshocked]

I'm not sure you could even reach a conclusion, then. Let's carry on here. Scenario A: he's interested in a sexual encounter. You throw the evidence at him at some point after that, and he says he knew it was you all along, and he was playing you at your own game. How do you know whether it's true or not? Scenario B: he's not interested in a sexual encounter. Great, peace, you can trust him. But can you still trust him tomorrow? I know, you do it again then. And again. And again.

 

I can't say it enough: this really is a bad idea.

 

I think THIS is key here.

 

That if he passes, initially, you would trust him.

But then your doubts would resurface again...and again over time.

 

It's a cycle.

 

I know this is true, because this is how "I" work.

 

 

If he did it to me, I'd understand - I've cheated on almost everyone else, he'd be entitled to a bit of light checking-up, no problem.

 

And this is why it will keep coming back over and over again.

It sounds like you're projecting what YOU'VE done onto him.

You know that you've cheated in almost all you're other relationships,

so you think that's what he will do too.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Of course I do!

 

I'm a regular SOAB, right? And even though I never got caught by anyone (I don't think...at least, no one ever SAID anything or dumped me), I found it so easy to cheat, multiple times, plus engage in cyber sex and flirting and stuff on the side, I feel like an emotional psychopath/sociopath, I'm scared to death.

 

Do people like me go on to commit worse atrocities? This is not about my BF at all, is it? This is about fear of my own horrific psyche and past acts.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Do people like me go on to commit worse atrocities? This is not about my BF at all, is it? This is about fear of my own horrific psyche and past acts.

 

ALS - Part of me feels its totally OK to use the technology to our advantage - we'd be fools not to, yeh? I mean, barring an extinction like catastrophe, it's not going any where.

 

But if this is more about the question posed above ^ - I'm going to have to say, if that is a factor in the decision, I can only see it not working. As you already said, it would be / is much more involved than it appears.

 

And i believe you're correct, its not about him, its about you. all the more reason to not (as SusserTod put it) sabotage your relationship - although I have a feeling with your particular bf, he'd be more than understanding......

[shellshocked]

I feel like an emotional psychopath/sociopath, I'm scared to death.

 

Do people like me go on to commit worse atrocities? This is not about my BF at all, is it? This is about fear of my own horrific psyche and past acts.

 

I think the worst atrocities are the ones that we do to ourselves.

 

I know that I'm (almost) constantly beating myself up over something.

 

Or thinking the worst about something that may or may not happen.

Even tho the opposite has been proven to me time and time again.

 

(i think this is a defense mechanism (cognitive distortion?)

called: "mind-reading" or "fortunetelling").

 

So all I usually end up doing is making myself feel like crap..

(and distrusting) usually for no reason....

[DN]

Do people like me go on to commit worse atrocities?

Not if you decide that you won't and keep to your decision. If that sounds simple it's because it is. It may not be easy for a while but it is simple.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Thank you for all support.

 

I feel worthless.

 

I feel I've failed in terms of being a friend, a decent student, a half-sane girlfriend, heck, as a HUMAN who has any capacity for laughter etc.

 

I enjoy torturing myself. I make myself go into newsagents, gaze at topshelf magazines and making myself feel sick to be a woman, sick to be alive, whats the point of ANYTHING?

 

I'm walking for about 2 hours a day because I can't settle down to anything. Everything makes me mad. I can't eat properly - I literally feel sick.

 

*bangs head on desk*

[karvala]

And yet you also recognise what you're doing. For you, that probably makes it feel worse, but it's also the opportunity to do something about it.

 

You sound like have a very tortured existence, constantly wondering about yourself, not liking the thoughts that often go round and round in your head. It's not how you want to be, clearly. Why not get help?

 

You're far from a worthless individual. You're clearly very smart, and energetic. I just wish you could find a way, with help if necessary, to not use those talents to mentally wound yourself on a daily basis.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Tried help.

 

Last time (yesterday) they didn't even TURN UP.

 

Jaysus. How would my Official Complaint form go - "I wanna talk about my feelings of worthlessness, and you lot couldnt even be bothered to turn up. And you wonder why you have some angry people wandering around"

[karvala]

Tried help.

 

Last time (yesterday) they didn't even TURN UP.

 

Jaysus. How would my Official Complaint form go - "I wanna talk about my feelings of worthlessness, and you lot couldnt even be bothered to turn up. And you wonder why you have some angry people wandering around"

 

Good heavens, I'm very sorry to hear about that! I don't blame you for not having much faith when that happens. Who/what were they?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

The official college counselling team!

[AwdreeHpburn]

ALS - Its too hard to see from the inside. You're trying to describe the shop's entire building from inside the shop's dressing room.

 

You'll need to take a step out and then a few steps away. Surely you'll get a different view from outside, yeh?

 

Its all and always a matter of perspective - you're just looking at yourself from the wrong angle.

 

Can you come over here and stand close to where I am? You'll get a better, less useless view of Emily....

 

Sometimes we all get trapped in our own little rooms inside ourselves. We just need to remember where we are and that there IS a way out - and then remember to get out and get that different perspective.....

 

You're far from useless from where I stand.