Why do things have to be so complicated?

[Abcd2girl]

I've been dating this great guy for the last few months. I had made it clear from the beginning that I needed to take things really slow (in fact we started out as friends) because six months earlier, I had just got out of a long-term (5 yrs total, 3 living together) relationship and was not ready for anything serious. I kept mentioning that I needed to take things slow a few more times, because I could see that he really liked me. At first I wasn't sure how I felt about him, but in time I liked him more and felt more comfortable. Then at some point I began to feel overwhelmed and things were going too fast, so I pulled away a little. He noticed and we talked about it, and again I told him I needed to take things slow. Why do I feel so bad about this? I am still trying to heal from my last relationship and I don't want to hurt this guy, so I have tried to be honest from the beginning about everything. I really do like spending time with him, I just wish he would listen to what I'm saying and understand where I am coming from. I feel like a broken record saying I need to "take it slow". Sometimes I feel like what is wrong with me...shouldn't I be "over" my last relationship by now (it's been 9 months since it ended)...shouldn't I feel more comfortable with this new guy by now and be able to move to the next level with him? I can't help how I feel though...I just don't feel ready to open my heart fully to someone else....why do I feel so guilty? I don't want to lose this guy, but I guess I have to understand if he doesn't want to spend any more time with me because he wants more than I do right now. He hasn't said this yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if he did. Any advice/insight?

[Orlander]

I think you need to come to terms with the ending of your old relationship. Being ready to date again means being ready to give your heart to the right person when he comes along. Were you the dumper or dumpee? How long was it after your breakup did you meet this new guy? Orlander

[JoeWho]

9 months is really not that long a time to be over a 5 year relationship. I think you are doing the best you can right now and being honest with your new guy is definitely the right thing to do. There is nothing wrong with you, it just takes time to get over a relationship and move on to a new one. Just be patient and maybe someday soon you will be able to fully open your heart to your new guy.

[cblack21]

Do a little research into what a rebound relationship is? You are being very careful to avoid that, good for you. If you let things progress at the speed he wants, you're going to hurt him. I think he'll wait it out but when all is said and done, you're going to lose interest in him. The first relationship after a long one is almost always destined for failure but it's an important part of the recovery process.

[DN]

What do you mean by 'take it slow'? It is such an imprecise term when dealing with relationships.

 

Taking it slow does still imply some sort of progress in the relationship and that you do see a future with him. If that is not the case then you should let him go so he can find someone who does want him.

 

Make sure you know what you mean by taking it slow - because if you don't know, how can you expect him to?

[Abcd2girl]

I think you need to come to terms with the ending of your old relationship. Being ready to date again means being ready to give your heart to the right person when he comes along. Were you the dumper or dumpee? How long was it after your breakup did you meet this new guy? Orlander

I was more of the dumper...I saw that the relationship wasn't moving forward after 5 years and felt it best to move on. But of course "moving on" is a process and takes time. I met this new guy 6 months after my ex and I broke up, but we started out as friends. We have been dating for the last couple of months.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi there,

 

It's hard to work out what to do, isn't it? There is no set time for getting over a break-up, and it varies from person to person. The way in which the previous partners split up can also affect things, especially if someone was unfaithful or cruel. Was that the case with you?

 

I think you're doing well by trying to be clear that you're not ready for a serious relationship, and to avoid the classic 'rebound relationship' trap - but it sounds tough. I think it sounds like you might need time alone to heal and get over your last relationship. But as you say, it's so difficult when you've met a great guy. But are you being fair to you or him? I don't know - I think you've been really clear with him about your reservations.

 

Do you feel like you're moving forward after the last relationship? And are your feelings for the new guy deepening as you move forward or lessening? It's hard to work it all out though, I know.

 

Good luck!

[Abcd2girl]

What do you mean by 'take it slow'? It is such an imprecise term when dealing with relationships.

 

Taking it slow does still imply some sort of progress in the relationship and that you do see a future with him. If that is not the case then you should let him go so he can find someone who does want him.

 

Make sure you know what you mean by taking it slow - because if you don't know, how can you expect him to?

That's a good question....I guess taking it slow is not rushing into things too quickly, taking the time to get to know the person, not getting intimate right away, those sorts of things. As far as seeing a future with him...that's the thing...in order to figure that out, I think I have to be in a place where I can open my heart fully to him, and I am not there yet. I want to be, but these things take time I guess. I can't force myself to feel a way that I don't right now.

[Abcd2girl]

"Do you feel like you're moving forward after the last relationship? And are your feelings for the new guy deepening as you move forward or lessening? It's hard to work it all out though, I know."

 

I do feel like I am moving forward; my feelings for him were deepening....we had this one date that was amazing and I had such a great time and felt really close to him...but then after that he started acting very "boyfriendy" and started doing really sweet things, but these things made me feel a little overwhelmed, like things were going too fast. I guess I got scared or something. I feel bad, but what can I do? All I could do was tell him about it, but I don't think he understands.

[DN]

That's a good question....I guess taking it slow is not rushing into things too quickly, taking the time to get to know the person, not getting intimate right away, those sorts of things. As far as seeing a future with him...that's the thing...in order to figure that out, I think I have to be in a place where I can open my heart fully to him, and I am not there yet. I want to be, but these things take time I guess. I can't force myself to feel a way that I don't right now.

Well, again, all of those terms, with the exception of getting intimate, are very imprecise.

 

But it does seem clear that you are not really ready to be in a relationship with anyone right now and it is not fair to him to keep him around simply because you don't want to lose him. He has a right to be with someone who has some sort of loving commitment to him - or at least sees clearly that that commitment is likely to happen. You are not in a position to do that.