Sex in marriage, different libidos

[Themis]

Many couples seem to deal with the issue of mismatched sex drives, something that my husband and I also struggle with at times. He would like it more often while I'm about right with having it once or twice a week. I've always looked at the issue as something that can be helped with compromise from both sides: I'll do it more often than I'd like and he is generally okay with not having it every night.

 

However, I've had some issues with sex being physically painful. I have never been able to have sex two nights in a row without it being painful the second time. Doctors can't find anything physically wrong with me and we've done all of their suggestions. I also suffered from vaginismus about six months ago when our marriage nearly ended, however, it seemed to get better when we reconciled and he began treating me well again.

 

Getting to the point, I feel very divided about meeting his needs if I know it will cause me pain. I think sex should never involve pain, but its a reality for me if done too often or when I am not in the mood (ie if he wakes me up for sex, it will likely be painful for me). On the other hand, he has needs, too. If he's had a bad day at work or something like that, I usually won't refuse him because I know its something he looks forward to... and also to a certain extent because I remember how angry he'd get with me when I refused him before.

 

I would greatly appreciate other people's views on this kind of thing and how other couples deal with the issue. Thank you for listening.

[luvursmile]

YES!!! When my husband & I were younger, he wanted it waaaay more than I did, but now that I am almost 30, I definitely want it more than he does!

[BellaDonna]

However, I've had some issues with sex being physically painful. I have never been able to have sex two nights in a row without it being painful the second time.

 

To an extent, I have experienced this same thing. I never had vaginismus but I need at least a day to go by in between before sex will be satisfying again otherwise I'll feel sore. There's nothing medically wrong with you- your skin is sensitive and the friction can take a toll. In my situation I think it's a size issue and may also be hormonal (might be the same thing in your situation...). Lubrication has helped us a little- but in most cases, we just wait a day in between because it is better for both of us that way. I've never had sex "all night long" either.... whenever I hear that in a song, I think "OUCH".

 

Sex drive issues in our marriage have re-surfaced now that I am pregnant and not feeling too great....let alone sexy. We've coped by being intimate in other ways which do not require intercourse.

 

It can be a stuggle at times. Bottom line, you both have to give and take, and also be polite about it.

 

I usually won't refuse him because I know its something he looks forward to... and also to a certain extent because I remember how angry he'd get with me when I refused him before.

 

 

This is concerning to me. You are not going to desire sex if a person is pressuring you or being angry. It will only make things worse and kill the mood. It sounds like this could be an unhealthy cycle.

 

Have you ever tried counseling for this issue?

 

BellaDonna

[karvala]

My personal view is that sex isn't something that you should engage in if you don't want to, at least on a regular basis, and as you've discovered, if you're not really in the mood for it, there's a chance it's going to be physically painful for obvious physiological reasons.

 

As such, while I applaud the spirit of compromise generally, I'm not sure your present arrangement is really the way to go in this case. There are two things that stand out from your description. The first is that he wakes you up for sex. This is a curious concept to me; sex is supposed to be a mutual decision, and it's hard to imagine that someone asleep is somehow still suggesting they would like to have sex! Basically, he appears to be using you for his sex; it doesn't look all that mutual, and he doesn't seem to mind that it's not mutual. The other thing that obviously stands out is your fear of refusing him, which is a big red flag to me.

 

Based on that, one possible practical suggestion: if he wants it, and you genuinely feel that in some sense you want to help him in that way, without going through the impossible experience, why not offer to do something for him (oral, masturbation etc.)? As he seems primarily interested in his own wellbeing at the time, perhaps that will satisfy him, and help you avoid the pain. It still looks like a compromise that I'm personally not sure you should have to make, though.

[jsx730]

I'm at work and limited on my time to respond here, but a suggestion that came to my head:

 

For the times when he wants it, and you are afraid it will hurt, would either of you consider subsituting vaginal sex with oral sex or maybe just a hand job? This way you can both still get off without causing you pain?

[ghost69]

i agree with jsx. it doesn't always have to be about intercourse. try different things. it will actually bring you mentally closer together too.

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[Themis]

We do try to be creative and use alternate methods, but I think it frustrates him sometimes because it can take longer. It would sure be preferable to being sore, though, so I will talk to him about it. Who knows, maybe we can get even more creative and see how it works for us. Thanks for the suggestions!

 

We did go to marriage counseling for months, but we never brought up the sex issue. I guess we both thought it was directly linked to our other problems. I would hesistate to ask him to go back because I don't want to send the signal that I'm not happy with our progress, as everything else is wonderful.

[ghost69]

try some different lubes as well. this may help with chaffing and tearing. it might lessen the pain or maybe rid of it all together.

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[BellaDonna]

Themis, are you taking birth control pills by any chance?

 

They can dampen your libido and your body's natural lubrication. It may be another factor contributing to this issue. However, I personally found that even if birth control pills lowered my libido, it was better than the scare of an unwanted pregnancy at the time (which would also be something that would lower my libido) Can't win. lol

 

BellaDonna

[Themis]

I am on the pill. I didn't know it could affect natural lubrication, but it makes sense. I've tried the shot and nuva ring, but they had much worse side effects. I've wanted to try an IUD for years, but I haven't had a child and I would fear the hair loss side effect like I had with the ring.

 

You're right, we can't win, lol.

[Themis]

try some different lubes as well. this may help with chaffing and tearing. it might lessen the pain or maybe rid of it all together.

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Any suggestions on what kind? KY gel doesn't seem to last very long.

[cranbers]

I gotta tell you from a male ponit of view, ky in the bottle feels pretty much just like the real thing. If it doesn't last long keep the bottle handy!

 

I haven't had sex with my wife in over a year so I can't really be good advice on sex, i want it she doesn't, period. For whatever reason, so hense why I know so much about ky lmao!

[BellaDonna]

Any suggestions on what kind? KY gel doesn't seem to last very long.

 

Try "Astroglide".... funny name but it's pretty decent.

[RayKay]

I am on the pill. I didn't know it could affect natural lubrication, but it makes sense. I've tried the shot and nuva ring, but they had much worse side effects. I've wanted to try an IUD for years, but I haven't had a child and I would fear the hair loss side effect like I had with the ring.

 

You're right, we can't win, lol.

 

You don't need to have had children to get an IUD; I got one and have never had kids. They used to only give them to women whom had had children for various reasons as they were bigger then; but no longer hold to that; at least most doctors don't. Also the ones they used in the 70's were terrible things that caused scarring in some women so they wanted women to have their children first. They are not like the ones they have today. They make smaller ones appropriate for women whom have not had kids, and as long as you are in a monogamous relationship and have a low history of infections and STI's they are quite willing to give you one.

 

If you get a non hormonal IUD, the side effects minimal if any (I have had none except cramping first couple days but tolerable, I was able to run the next day and go to gym the same evening I had it in for example). Obviously if you have allergies to copper though, then it is not a good solution.

 

I LOVE my IUD; I was on pill for many many years and went off it due to breast cancer risks; but noticed after going off it how it had affected my libido, mood, anxiety levels and so on too (and yes, lubrication levels..). I feel so much more free and like me!

 

And yes lube is great; even if you DO lubricate well naturally it really is longer lasting and "wetter" allowing for more glide, etc. I like Astroglide, and "Oh My" (funny name but great stuff, and all natural too apparently).

[hardcharger]

many men have a regular sex drive which needs to be fulfilled. each partner has his duties in a relationship and when you marry, one of your responsibilities is your husbands penis. how you take care of that is up to you and is a Huge unspoken(often) determining factor in the happiness of a marriage. Hopefully your man will fulfill his responsibilities, providing for his family, doing his part of the household chores, try to fulfill wives needs and be Respectful to his wife.

 

A women should try to do her part and accept the fact of her mans needs and try to fulfill them while maintaining her own self-respect. Most men I know are happy with oral sex and if that is not possible a hand job will do. Next time you are having relations with your husband, check the clock, taking 10 minutes out of your day will go a long way in keeping your husband happy and will strengthen your relationship with him and increase the closeness. Don't deny the obvious.

[Themis]

Don't deny the obvious.

 

What exactly do you mean by that?

[ghost69]

i got some at the adult store. lots of brands there. it is in a blue bottle, the liquid looks blue, with a pinkish purple cap. teh bottle isn't perfectly round, but looks like a **ldo. i don't think it is astroglide, but my ex loved it. she insisted on that brand after that.

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[Themis]

Ah. Well, if I'm making one of those trips, then my hubby's coming with me. I'll look for blue tops.

 

I'm considering the IUD again after your response, RayKay. Maybe my doctor could help me with a temporary copper supplement plan to see in advance what my side effects might be like.

[ghost69]

the bottle is blue. the top is pinkish purple. it is small. the stuff is amazing. it looks like a **ldo. the bottle is rounded but has a wavy edge to the side. i remember it says something ID on it. you will like it.

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