big problem, need input

[disgruntledbaker]

well, it was settled. i sent the email. the final draft looked like this:

 

 

 

hows it going

 

i'm gonna find someone to sublet to if you aren't able to find someplace to move to by march.

 

i'll be up some time next month to patch walls and get all the things i need. whatever i don't take you can keep. the stuff you don't move to your next apartment can just get chucked or returned to me later.

 

also, i'd like to spend time with gibson. would you mind leaving him in the apartment the afternoon i come up so i can visit him? thanks

 

hope you're doing well

 

 

 

went with a slightly warm feel, not too cold, but got down to business fast. also, took superdave's advice and chose between fighting for the dog for myself or letting it go with her. this'll be my chance to say goodbye to my boy. got a response almost immediately:

 

 

 

 

Well..thanks for the notice.. I'll ask the apartment place if they have interested new tenants. I do have a prospect of a place...guess I'll get more serious about it now. I don't want to live with anyone, so I'll move.

 

Gibson is always here, except for when I bring him to work the second half of my work day. You can visit with him that day is fine. Your things are pretty much packed. They are all in the smaller bedroom, except for the drawer units in the closet which I was too tired to move one day. If you dont mind me using the bookshelf in the living room til I move i'd apprectiate that. Hope you are good. See ya.

 

 

 

 

i don't even want to begin to try and interpret any undertones. i'd probably be fooling myself if i even found any. suppose this is one of the last few strings that were attached... once i go up there and get that out of the way, going back to strict NC (and this time that includes not checking myspace/aol at all).

 

feels like the end of an era. and up until the end of that era, i was very fond of it...

 

thanks to all for your input. i feel horrible at the moment, but im certain it was the right thing to do.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i'm sorry, it is very hard, but she sounds like she has moved on, she had already packed your stuff... she is also re-iterating that she wants to live alone, perhaps happier NOT being in a relationship or living with anyone...

 

it is better for you to know that, so you can go on with your own healing... best of luck, it is hard, but it is better not to be in limbo, better to know so you can move on and build a new life...

[Wandering_Sword]

From her response to you, there's nothing more you can do. If anything were to happen it will have to be on her own volition. So once the dust has settled go back to NC and figure out the next stage for yourself. From this point onward you have to start taking care of yourself. Good luck with things and keep posting here. You'll always have a friendly smile here and a pair of ears to listen to you.

[onelittleladybug]

Hi DB

 

I just caught up with this thread. I just wanted to say that I just don't hear a tone in her email at all, other than the same as yours - just business like. I hope you weren't expecting something different. I personally don't think that the whole business of breaking up (the giving back stuff, dealing with a lease and a pet etc) is a situation that invites reconciliation. I think that would come under different circumstances. I would just say don't even try to read into her email at all. The comment about wanting to live alone could be interpreted in so many different ways, one of them being that she wants you to know she wont be moving in with another guy when she leaves the apartment. But yeah, its best to not read into it too much.

 

I'm sad to say that I think you need to let go of the dog. I know its hard, Ive been there. Isn't it weird how the pets become a symbol of what you had together? I think people project that onto them and thats why its so hard to let go.

 

Everything else, your attitude, how your dealing - it all sounds very healthy. I think its really nice that you want to leave things on good terms if she found her way back to you. Its true that you need to focus on yourself now and it sounds like thats what you're doing.

[disgruntledbaker]

sigh

 

here's the walk of shame, but i gotta come clean...

 

she blocked me from her myspace page shortly after we exchanged those emails. i shouldn't have even noticed but i made this deal with myself that i would go NC tomorrow and until then i could check myspace/aol and get my fix... once i did notice i should have just let it go... but i called her. for the first time in a month (with the exception of these emails) i broke NC.

 

i was civil, but was far from capable of acting "aloof". she was civil as well, and patient, and actually somewhat friendly and open at times, but for the most part she was sort of business-like. the conversation took place in two parts, total of a little over an hour. we sort of caught up but didn't talk too much about that. we discussed why she was upset enough to block me. there were two major reasons, one was she felt i was snooping and sort of let it slip that she heard from a mutual friend of ours that i was (this mutual friend was someone that was supposed to be there for me to talk to in private, but failed at that miserably) and second she said that when we first separated i practically insisted that i continue to pay for rent. she said she always intended to move out and get a cheaper place, and had found the cheapest place possible but it was still out of her financial reach and she was going to pick up a second job. she had planned to make the move at the end of march, and my beginning of march deadline put her in a mad rush.

 

guilt kicked in, i crumbled under the pressure, and told her i would keep paying for another month if she was in that bad of a situation. she said she was getting the job anyway and probably wouldn't need it. we then talked about us, and she said that a part of her would always love me but she wasn't in love with me now (god i love that one), and that she really needed this time alone now. she also said she wasn't going out often and wasn't seeing anyone and was perfectly fine being alone for now.

 

then i closed the conversation by telling her i couldn't be her friend because it would hurt too much to talk to her now, and that i still loved her and wanted to try again once we let go of all this baggage and that she would have to call me because as of tonight i wasn't throwing myself against a wall for her anymore because i deserved someone that was as crazy about me as i was about them.

 

totally blew everything that this forum stands for. a wasted month. im a flippin' failure. the line forms here for you all to clobber me in the head with something heavy and blunt.

[onelittleladybug]

Dude - I don't see any reason to be hard on you for this. I was in a "are we or are we not getting back together" limbo for 6 months after my breakup! But then I did the exact same thing that you just did almost 5 weeks ago, I told him I couldn't stay in touch as friends and that if he changed his mind and wanted to try to work things out between us then I hope he gives me a call but I am not ready for friendship and still don't know if I ever will be. I feel 7000 times better since then and am absolutely sure I did the right thing for me. I have checked up on him online but I'm also seeing that he is checking up on me too and doing so more every week. I know I will feel even better once I stop but I'm also being patient with myself.

 

I don't even think that what you did is such a bad thing. What you said to her shows that you have a lot of self respect. But of course now you absolutely have to keep the nc though...

[Shaker]

Oh, DG. You're hard enough on yourself for the rest of us. You know what I think? I think next time you get the nerve to call her, you should post first.

 

And I think you shouldn't see this as such a failure or a set-back. You responded emotionally in a charged situation. Completely understandable. Hell, blocking you is just as silly.

 

So, hop back on the NC bandwagon. Dust yourself off. And be glad that at least, in the very least, you're not heartless.

[Ellie2006]

Hey there, DG,

I agree with Shaker. Please don't be so hard on yourself

And I don't see how breaking NC was all that bad: at least, now you are no longer in the dark about where she stands and you can fully focus on YOU and YOUR healing. What do you think??

 

Take care of yourself, okay? And please don't ignore the importance of those creature comforts, like sleep, rest, food, water, fresh air, exercise, hanging out with friends, laughing your head off about random stuff, etc etc ...

 

And please know we're here rooting for ya!

 

Hugs,

Ellie

[disgruntledbaker]

haha, it's good to know i have a team...

 

last night was rough. like we broke up all over again. cried myself to sleep (or something like sleep that lasted only a few minutes at a time the whole night long) and woke feeling sick to my stomach. pictures of her with other guys run through my mind again, even more than earlier. yeah, its all started over again.

 

the worst part of it is that i know i have to see her at least once in the next month when i go to get my stuff back. so i know im going to break NC, the one thing that made me feel like i was gaining any ground at all. its... rough.

 

on the up side, she unblocked my myspace sometime over the night, and sent a message to clarify that our mutual friend didn't share the details of our conversations, only that she had heard from me. i don't know what it all means, but because i can't seem to completely let her go it was a huge relief for me to see that. i replied to the friend invite with "thanks kiddo".

 

unblocked or not, starting today theres to be no more contact until i get what i want or i get over what i want (with the exception of whenever i get my junk back). god i hate starting over.

 

every post gets more and more pathetic, doesn't it?

[Ellie2006]

every post gets more and more pathetic, doesn't it?

 

Nope, it sure doesn't

[BeStrongBeHappy]

No, not pathetic, just your real feelings! breakups almost never resolve immediately, and it takes times to work through them all...

 

you broke NC, but i think you also got some resolution to questions that were still in your heart and some closure... which is good! maybe you really needed to talk about that so that you didn't have false hopes...

 

and now you are grieving, but this is good because that means you are accepting the situation and recognizing you have to move on... that is the hardest hurdle about a breakup, realizing it really is over, but once you get over the hurdle, your recovery is really beginning!

 

best of luck, and if you need to, take a buddy with you when you go to get your stuff... that might make it easier, go faster, and someone to talk to about it once your stuff is out...

[Wandering_Sword]

 

every post gets more and more pathetic, doesn't it?

 

Nope, absolutely not. I had a few bad NC starts before I got really tired of feeling like the dumps and commenced it for good. Its been over two months now and I'm feeling great. You did what you had to (initially your heart will win out over the brain all the time!) and now that this is some sort of closure for you, you can go and start the healing process. Dude, you have a lot to offer a lucky girl, though it doesn't feel like it now but in time you'll understand that her actions should not reflect upon you personally. She is a big girl and will have to live with whatever decisions she makes (right or wrong), but you on the other hand have tried everything to make it work (so no regrets). To me you've already made steps towards the positive. Look out the window, the sun is out there somewhere, just follow it and you'll be fine.

[disgruntledbaker]

thanks again for the kind words. somewhere under the layers i know i have a lot to offer, more than most... and that im taking a beating that i don't deserve. but being the dumpee is a major hit to the self-esteem. the sort that knocks me down till i catch my breath.

 

i have noticed that a change in scenery was a huge help. driving around my home town is sometimes harsh because some of those places are strongly associated with the past relationship, but being in my basement bedroom while i type these depressing posts and think about the pile of things that belong to her crammed in the back of my closet only 4 feet behind me... well being outside beats that.

 

and today i was more busy than usual trying to get the ball rolling on finding permenant (and even temporary) income. made some huge progress there, and hope to work on that even more tomorrow.

 

today isn't officially the first day of NC considering i responded to her unblocking my myspace, but it sure felt like that sort of accomplishment

 

now i get to look forwards to the night, and what sort of upsetting memories or thoughts that brings with it...

[onelittleladybug]

Hi again

 

I just wanted to let you know that every week that goes by since my last contact which was a final one - I feel so much better. The first week was hard, I felt anger and hurt all over again. But now I really feel like Im free again.

 

I also would advice you to send someone else for your stuff and block her on myspace as well as everywhere else. In my humble opinion - you sent out a pretty huge message and it wont have the powerful effect that it can have unless you completely cut off contact.

 

My ex popped up on my messenger last night and this morning - the very last messenger that I had forgotten to block or delete him from (ok maybe not - I left that one out because I knew if I would see him on there I would know he was seriously trying to reach me ;-). I blocked him - it was not an easy decision to make but I thought about how I told him that if he changed his mind he should call me. I figure if he's trying to find me on messenger he doesn't think I was serious about this and that now Ive had some time to calm down or something. I am calm. I'm just not gonna play this game anymore.

 

I worked in childcare for 4 years and the most valuable lesson I learned from that was how important consistency is. To explain - if you tell a child that they cant have or do something - you have to stick to your words. If you tell them and then don't follow up - they lose all respect for you and get really confused and insecure about themselves in the process. I learned this about kids but as time goes by Ive realized more and more that it also applies to adults.

 

But anyway - I think you are doing really well. I know how much this hurts and I just want to tell you it gets better. It really does.

[disgruntledbaker]

i can see how sticking to your guns would have that effect on anyone. that may be part of the reason i was feeling so good about maintaining my first run of NC and why it felt like such a horrible failure that i handled the rent deal.

 

thats somewhat settled now, so i don't have to worry about that coming up any time soon. and as for getting someone else to go get my stuff... that most likely won't work. my home now is about 4 hours away from the apartment, and i couldn't ask anyone i know to make that trip.

 

nah, im gonna suck it up, go there while shes at work, take my junk, kiss the baby pup goodbye one last time, and leave my keys on the table. no running into her at all. if it all goes according to plan, i won't even have to break NC for it.

[Ellie2006]

Hey DG,

Hope you're feeling better today!

And good luck on the job hunt!

 

Cheers,

Ellie

[disgruntledbaker]

yesterday was definitely a better day. keeping busy and getting out of the house and finally moving helped a lot.

 

on a down note, i went out to the bar with a friend for wing night and was harshly reminded of why i hate bars/meeting people at them. we played a game of pool and invited a trio of young ladies to accompany us, no expectations whatsoever. initially they brushed us off (i guess the drunkard college girls think playing extremely hard to get is attractive) and then wandered over to the table a short while later. we were already playing a one-on-one game and they jumped into the game. they were nasty (and not like flirtaciously poking fun, just plain nasty) and now i have a sower taste in my mouth for women in general.

 

where did all the sweet girls disappear to?

[Shaker]

DG,

 

The sweet girls are out there, and sometimes in bars.

 

It's funny, but last Saturday night I felt the same way about the bar scene. I went out with a friend (a sweet girl), and no one wanted anything to do with us....especially after they asked what we do.

 

Nonetheless, I recognize it was just an unfortunate night and had a good laugh about it with my equally dismayed friend.

[disgruntledbaker]

you and your friend should move to my area. bring as many sweet girls as you can.

 

forget child-birth, walking around while holding a flame for someone that doesn't want to reciprocate is the most painful experience in the world.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think bars can be depressing immediately after a breakup because there are lots of drunk/rude people there, and not much intimacy (other than the bad one night stand kind that makes you feel hollow)...

 

i'd go hang out at places that are more about friendship, with lots of friends so you have people to talk to band be with... and get into whatever hobbies that you like to do, walking, reading, whatever is fun for you....

 

the best thing in a breakup is time and distance... stay away from her and things that remind you of her, and after a while, you will not make those painful associations anymore... a great time to start a new job or hobby because that makes new memories rather than old ones...

[disgruntledbaker]

after a 4-year relationship, theres very little that doesn't remind me of the ex. sounds, smells, every item the family owns, even family members... all tied to vivid and emotional memories...

 

but i agree the bar scene is compounding rough on top of rough. i'd like to avoid it, but what i'd like even more is to not be the "stick in the mud." really want to get back to being the fun-loving guy that most of my friends lost touch with. part of getting me back i think.

 

i am starting new work and throwing myself into exercise and my old hobbies with a vengeance, and that has helped soften the sting lately. the ex sent me a "good luck" message in reply to an away message that said i was out at job interviews, and it was really warming to me but i held strong and didn't reply. nice to know im not completely out of her mind i guess.

[wintersolstice]

How can she block you from her myspace and then take your money to pay her rent! That is so hypocritical!

 

Your not a failure... She sounds a little bit manipulative if you ask me.. people who play games usually fall for them easily.. I could see her crawling back to you...

[disgruntledbaker]

haha, and for some reason i find that comforting to know, or at least consider. this whole manipulation aspect of her personality, it's entirely new if it's real. i never would have grown this close to her otherwise. i would have classified her as more intensly selfish than anything, and she admits to focusing on doing things for her instead of anyone else lately. and i would have kept takin' it on the chin too...

 

amazing power that infatuation has over a person.