I just dont get him!

[crazy300]

thanks for the replies!

[puff.tm.dragon]

There are guys that seem very out going but are shy around a girl they like. Not too shy to make small talk but the inability to get pass friendship. It's like getting hit with kryptonite.

[arwen]

Hey Crazy,

 

I think that a group email can end up in junkmail sometimes, and that it may not have been strong enough of a hint to make him react. Why not ask him out?

 

Arwen

[Honey Pumpkin]

It sounds like he was tongue-tied around you - which could be that he was really attracted to you. It's quite hard to judge, though, and I think that you want to be careful of reading too much into it, because you can waste time over-analysing one unavailable guy whilst there are lots of gorgeous available guys who are trying to grab your attention!

 

I agree with Arwen, maybe just email him and say a personal 'hi' if you want, see if he responds. If not - to be honest, I'd give it up as one of life's (many!) mysteries!

 

Good luck.

[Batya33]

I don't like getting mass emails from someone I don't have personal email contact with on a regular basis - I typically ignore them. He might be attracted to you but unavailable for a relationship with you. No harm in calling him and asking him out - I would not do it by e-mail - might be more comfortable for you but is too passive and impersonal.

[anggrace]

Well, do you like HIM? If he did like you, would you pursue it?

[Beec]

Sounds to me like he was too chiken to ask, and I've walked in his shoes, in that regard.

 

Sometimes, if you want something done, you have to do it yourself.

[insofar]

I don't like getting mass emails from someone I don't have personal email contact with on a regular basis - I typically ignore them.

Quoted for truth. Go ask him out, clearly you're both interested so how can it hurt? You'd be taking a load off his shoulders.

[Beec]

I wouldn't ask him out, if were her and I could avoid by toher methods.

 

While I normally don't like it, I might result to the high school-style messenger to have someone else tell him that he was stupid and is stupid for not asking her out, preferably, or to let him know that she does like him. If that did not work, she could basically tell him he should ask her, or she could ask. I list these in order of preference.

[Batya33]

That sounds too passive. I don't think women asking out men is productive - doesn't typically lead to a relationship - but if she is going to do it, she should just go for it, IMHO.

[crazy300]

But why didnt he even ask me why I was leaving?

[Batya33]

Who knows - perhaps that day he was distracted, had a hot date the night before, knew he could ask you in the future if he wanted, thought it was too nosy a question, heard through the grapevine why you were leaving - it's a waste of time in my opinion to ask "why" because of all the possibilities. Why not ask him?

[Alone_Forever]

So i took the plunge and sent him a group email wishing him for New years, and this (if i was him) wouldeve been the perfect opportunity to get in touch with me. And i get no reply!!

 

One thing to understand about shy guys (and I speak from long experience), is that we analyze everything through own own prism of self-doubt. Even if our first instinct to receiving such an email is "hey, she actually knows I exist!", the time it takes us to work up the courage to respond also gives us too much time to overthink the purpose of that letter: e.g. "she probably sent this to everybody in her contact list", or "she only sent a group email - it was not meant to be viewed as personal", or "she probably just clicked on my email address by mistake", or any of a hundred other reasons. And when there is more than one even remotely plausible reason for such an email, we shy guys will tend to act upon the most pessimistic one, because it fits best with our self-image.

[crazy300]

Its such a shame really. His shyness ruined it all..

[TheDMan05]

Its such a shame really. His shyness ruined it all..

 

Yeah...just think how he feels. :sad:

[Batya33]

Its such a shame really. His shyness ruined it all..

 

Yes and it is a shame that you are unwilling to contact him and try to see him or invite him to a group activity - etc. His shyness didn't "ruin it' - either one of two things is true - he is not that interested in you and thereforeeee his shyness has nothing to do with it, or if he is that desperately shy that he could not ask you out on a date, then you not being approachable/friendly despite being interested in him is what is "ruining" it. I am not saying you need to ask him out, but what is the harm in calling him and inviting him out with your friends?

[daisy77]

Yes and it is a shame that you are unwilling to contact him and try to see him or invite him to a group activity - etc. His shyness didn't "ruin it' - either one of two things is true - he is not that interested in you and thereforeeee his shyness has nothing to do with it, or if he is that desperately shy that he could not ask you out on a date, then you not being approachable/friendly despite being interested in him is what is "ruining" it. I am not saying you need to ask him out, but what is the harm in calling him and inviting him out with your friends?

 

 

Batya33, what you said really hit home for me.

 

I think I did this exact thing with a shy guy I've liked for awhile. I'm shy as well, and after I suggested getting together sometime, we both became more shy. And I know I haven't been as approachable or friendly because of nervousness, and, well confusion.

 

I feel I need to apologize to him or something. I need to clear the air, because things have been awkward since. Do you have any suggestions?

 

Thank you.

[Batya33]

I would simply say to him, in a lighthearted way - "look, I dropped the ball and I apologize - I've been a little out of sorts - now how about that [lunch, walk, museum] we'd been discussing?"

 

short and sweet.

[daisy77]

I would simply say to him, in a lighthearted way - "look, I dropped the ball and I apologize - I've been a little out of sorts - now how about that [lunch, walk, museum] we'd been discussing?"

 

short and sweet.

 

 

Thank you. That sounds good.

 

Any advice for when several weeks have passed? It's been awhile. I do feel I dropped the ball, but I wonder if may be too late to say that -- and how to bring it up. I am still interested in him, but at the very least I feel I need to clear the air.

[Batya33]

I think the "out of sorts" works best. If a man asked me out then dropped the ball for a few weeks I would consider seeing him if I was still interested/available but I might wait a few weeks to respond to his invitation and would be a bit wary that he'd pull the same thing again.

[Beec]

Batya33's suggestion is pretty good. I like it. Word for word, too.

[insofar]

I remain with my suggestion of "just ask him out". I honestly don't think men and women are so different that it makes a huge difference who asks who in the beginning, assuming attraction on both sides.

 

Edit: And with regard to the New Years thing, I would think that would make sense; he's a shy guy and he (seems to) like you, so approaching you for something personal like that might be somewhat hard for him.

[Batya33]

I think it makes a difference in the chances of it becoming a dating relationship. In my experience, men are very flattered by a woman who makes the first move, but the woman they end up being serious about is a woman where they made the first move. Sometimes asking out for a first date works out fine, but where the woman does most of the calling, initiating and planning in the early stages it is highly unlikely that that will end up being a serious and happy long term relationship. If the woman is looking for a fling then of course the pursuing can work just as well as the man doing the pursuing.

[Altruist]

Invite the shy guy for a date Crazy. Make sure its somewhere where there are many people so that he does not start feeling insecure about the silence that is likely to ensue if you go to a quiet place. He does like you, that is why he finds it difficult to express himself to you. Its a complicated sort of shyness (I am talking from experience). You can then tell him you are interested after a few dates with him.

You will have to tell him directly that you are interested in a relationship with him. Don't just give a hint-guys with this type of shynesss cannot take hints.