Should I listen to my gut? Please help!!

[herewegoagain]

Well, been in relationship for six months. We are in our mid thirties. Things are going fine. I had some concerns over the past few months (which I posted about), but things are going well now, except...

 

I just have this feeling in my gut that she is not into me as I am into her. I just feel like she doesn't care for me as much as I would like to believe. She seems so indifferent about things.

 

For example, I complained to her the other day that sometimes I feel like I'm single because even though we go out every Friday and Saturday night, we have only spent 2 Saturday afternoons together since we have been dating in these 6 months. She says she is busy doing errands, etc.

 

Also, I feel in my gut that if we broke up I don't even think she would care, or only care slightly.

 

My gut tells me that I should walk away, but it's hard because I really care for her, we have a great time together, etc. But my gut tells me that I make her the number one priority in my life, while I feel like I am second or third on her list.

 

Also, since I had t to bring it up my concerns first, now any changes that she makes will make me feel like she is doing things only because I mentiioned it first. For example, she said yesterday how she has something special planned for me this weekend. And that she already had it planned before I expressed my concerns to her. I'm not sure if I believe her.

 

I can't sleep at night because this whole realtionship is driving me crazy.

 

She says how much she cares about me, but my gut tells me she doesn't, even though she is good to me, etc.

 

Should I go with my gut, or is there more to it? I'm so confused. Help!!

[Honey Pumpkin]

For example, I complained to her the other day that sometimes I feel like I'm single because even though we go out every Friday and Saturday night, we have only spent 2 Saturday afternoons together since we have been dating in these 6 months. She says she is busy doing errands, etc.

 

I don't know, just a quick point - I am very protective of my Saturday afternoons, because I work full time; it is the only time I get to run errands, shop, all the things that I HAVE to do. I don't like it, but I do find it the only time I get. Does your girlfriend work full time?

 

What about Sunday afternoons, can you spend those together instead?

 

Maybe you should also talk to her about how you are feeling - something similar happened to me recently, and I plucked up the courage to finally say something. The bloke I'm seeing was absolutely horrified and upset that I was upset, so it felt really good to have said out loud something I was thinking. Which didn't turn out to be the case AT ALL! So maybe it's lilke that with you, in which case you should say something in a calm way, rather than live with your fears.

 

Good luck!

[herewegoagain]

Honey Pumpkin - she said basically the same as you - that since she works full time, she only has Saturdays to do her errands. I agree, but we don't see each other until 7:00 or 8:00 at night.

 

As far as sundays, we only spend a couple of hours in the evening together, hardly ever the afternoon, and not every Sunday, just maybe every other Sunday.

[Parsley]

I don't know if I'm the best person to respond to this...Within a year I've had two breakups where I could have avoided unnecessary hurt and pain if I had just listened to my instincts when they told me everything was wrong. Since then it's become a bit of a pet thing for me. So I don't know if my advice will be right.

 

I'd say wait until this weekend has passed...see what it is she has planned. If it doesn't make you see the situation differently, then really talk it out. Properly. After that, sit down and reevaluate these instincts, how do you feel now? Was it just one of those times when we overanalyse, or are you genuinely picking up things from her?

[Beec]

It seems like the doubts you have are there because she is just a little too aloof. Now, that could just be her personality, or it could also be how she is reacting because of how you are acting. And I see two things you can change, and possibly I might think about both.

 

First, some basic stuff about why we go for those we do go for. We go for those people who give us emotional fulfillment, make us feel appreciated and special, take care of us, AND remain aloof and independent while they do it, not needy or clingy. If you make her feel special and you are aloof, even to the extent of the things you do for her being no big deal, then it's like pointing a blow torch at mxiture of gasoline and oxygen, it's going to burn. It's almost scientific principal.

 

With your situation, I have to think you either are not fulfilling some needs of her, not making her feel special enough, OR you appear to be so into her that you are not aloof enough to make her feel like she needs to try and make you feel special.

 

In your case, I might try something like mkaing her feel very special, and then withdrawing a bit. If she chases, them you know she really does care. If she doesn't, then leave her, find someone who will.

[Beec]

One thing reading other comments made me think of.

 

The best sex happens when you have two people who are just hot for each other. It's not about what they have, it's each person letting the other know they want them and it.

[herewegoagain]

Thanks to all for responding.

 

To clarify - I had a big talk with her about all of this a few days ago. She knows how I feel. She cried a little and seemed to really open up about how she is falling in love with me, etc.

 

But the next day, she goes back to her old ways - indifferent, acting like she could care less, etc

[Parsley]

Maybe it's a sort of self-preservation thing she has? Has she had any experiences that could lead her to be this way when it comes to falling in love?

[Lady Bugg]

Hmmmm......

Perhaps it is just her personality? Some people are just natuarlly aloof.

 

You need to know what YOU can and cannot accept from a partner and deal

with it accordingly.

 

Like for me....I cannot be with someone who is NOT affectionate or that gives me attention. I know this about myself. i would never be happy with someone who ignored me or was indifferent. I am also very affectionate and giving.....so I don;t think it's unreasonable to expect the same.

 

Hope that helps some...

[valiantv]

she goes back to her old ways - indifferent,

 

Well what did you expect? That's her personality, you can't change that from just one talk! Now you know how she feels, you can finally tell that poison-tongued digestive system of yours what to go do with itself...

 

acting like she could care less, etc

Doesn't sound bad... Would be worse if she was acting like she couldn't care less...

[hosswhispra]

Hmmmm......

Perhaps it is just her personality? Some people are just natuarlly aloof.

 

Yes, this is true.

 

You are out with eachother every Friday and Saturday night? Well maybe she needs time to 're-energize', 're-charge' or whatever and take time for herself. Lots of people do errands on Saturday morning and afternoon. Especially when they work a full time job during M-F.

[herewegoagain]

Beec- Thanks for your input, you always have good insight into situations. It is just her personality the way she is - independent.

 

In fact, she mentioned to me about a month ago how she is sorry how she has been too busy sometimes to see me on saturdays, etc. An she said how she wants to spend more time with me, etc. But nothing has changed yet.

 

 

Ladybugg - i think you are right - it is her personality. And I'm like you - I'm not sure if I can be with her because she is so indifferent.

 

BUT - she did mention that she acts that way because she is afraid of being hurt, especially at her age - 37. Is this just BS????

 

Should I be more aloof?

[hosswhispra]

 

BUT - she did mention that she acts that way because she is afraid of being hurt, especially at her age - 37. Is this just BS????

 

Should I be more aloof?

 

At 37, I imagine that she's secure in her own skin. She's got her own routine going on and if someone (i.e. you) is in her life--that's the icing on the cake or cherry on the sundae. So I would imagine that she does appreciate you in her comfortable life. You make it all the richer. So yeah, relax. Would you want it the other way--someone all clingy and needy? Look it from that side and then decide what you would prefer.

 

You be more aloof? You could try it and see what happens.

[herewegoagain]

Yes, this is true.

 

You are out with eachother every Friday and Saturday night? Well maybe she needs time to 're-energize', 're-charge' or whatever and take time for herself. Lots of people do errands on Saturday morning and afternoon. Especially when they work a full time job during M-F.

 

 

I agree, but that is the only time we see each other. We hardly see each other during the week. It just doesn't seem like we are a real gf/bf. It just seems like we are still casually dating.

[Beec]

It is just her personality the way she is - independent.

 

BUT - she did mention that she acts that way because she is afraid of being hurt, especially at her age - 37. Is this just BS????

 

Should I be more aloof?

 

OK, her personality is a function of many things, but much of it comes from her past experiences. A woman who is 37 has probably been hurt in the past. So, she may be a little more protective of herself. If she is jsut independent and always going to be, then she might not be right for you.

 

But, I would have you try to be more aloof for a while.

[hosswhispra]

I agree, but that is the only time we see each other. We hardly see each other during the week. It just doesn't seem like we are a real gf/bf. It just seems like we are still casually dating.

 

What type of job does she have?

[keefy1972]

Are you looking to act as if you're married already? It's not out of the question to be casually dating each other exclusively after only 6 months.

 

My suggestion would be to relax a little. Seems as if you're getting ahead of her in where you want your relationship to be. If you think you're in love with her, I'd suggest pulling back emotionally to match what she's giving you.

[shellshocked]

First, some basic stuff about why we go for those we do go for. We go for those people who give us emotional fulfillment, make us feel appreciated and special, take care of us, AND remain aloof and independent while they do it, not needy or clingy. If you make her feel special and you are aloof, even to the extent of the things you do for her being no big deal, then it's like pointing a blow torch at mxiture of gasoline and oxygen, it's going to burn. It's almost scientific principal.

 

My advice to you, herewego....listen to Beec!

 

The man DEFINITELY knows what he's talking about.

 

He passed this wisdom onto me a few months ago and it

has been one the single best pieces of advice that have

have gotten from this site.

(I even have it printed out and taped to my monitor, so I remember).

 

Thanks again, Beec.

You're the BEST!

[herewegoagain]

OK, her personality is a function of many things, but much of it comes from her past experiences. A woman who is 37 has probably been hurt in the past. So, she may be a little more protective of herself. If she is jsut independent and always going to be, then she might not be right for you.

 

But, I would have you try to be more aloof for a while.

 

Yep, I think I will be more aloof. She will probably ask me to do something this Saturday afternoon, but I will say no. (Becuase I think she will just ask as a reaction to what we talked about a few days ago.)

 

Hosswhispa - she works from 8:00 a.m til 6.pm everyday.

[hosswhispra]

Hosswhispa - she works from 8:00 a.m til 6.pm everyday. She works in physical therapy

 

Wow--8 am - 6 pm--everyday--that's 10 hours a day . From personal experience, working with patients and in the heathcare field--although extremely rewarding---can be draining. You give of yourself 100% to your patients. Healthcare professions are known to have the highest rates of burnout. Read this month's Readers Digest--it has a great article on burnout. Don't look at her 'aloofness' as a way of slighting you or not being interested in you.

[herewegoagain]

Well, I thibnk you all are right.

 

I want to be more aloof, but isn't that playing games? I sure don't want to play games. But is it for the best?

 

But then again, as I am thinking about it, how can I be more aloof? We only see each other on Friday and Saturday?

 

Just to clarify - SHE mentioned a couple of months ago how SHE wants to spend more time eith each other, but it hasn't changed - that's why I'm concerned...actions speak louder....

 

So should I break the date for tomorrow? I think she would know something is strange if I did.

 

Don't know what to do.

[hosswhispra]

Being aloof is part of one's personality. Personality is inherited. Sure you can be a little more aloof. But it will require some work and conscious effort on your part (hence feel like you're playing games) if it's not naturally within your nature to be aloof.

[herewegoagain]

Hosswhispra - I just edited my post in front of your last one - Should I maybe break the date for tomorrow?

[northwoods]

I've been in my relationship a little more than 6 months. We both have full time jobs. We make time for each other. On Sat, she wants to run my errands with me. Likewise, I want to run around with her, just so we can be together. And she even has a child - so I guess my point is this... if she wanted to spend time with you, she'd make sure that you were there.

 

I hate to say it, honestly I do, but I think you might need to follow your gut. That doesn't mean break up, but back off a bit and let her come to you.

[hosswhispra]

Hosswhispra - I just edited my post in front of your last one - Should I maybe break the date for tomorrow?

 

I wouldn't suggest to you that you break tomorrow's date. She's probably looking forward to it very much after a stressful work week.

 

If you want to be aloof change up your routine a bit. Tell her that you can't see her next Friday night and go out with your male friends. Guarantee-she'll miss you.