update....whirlwind with the ex....:(

[kickedin]

i havent been around in awhile.....as you guys last know my ex sent me a letter in the mail and i responded back like a gentlemen she told me she missed me terribly and cryed in her pillow at night....and then she says to keep her little teddy bear that she has had since she was a little girl......very sentimental to her and us.......i said thanks but he's still yours....meaning i will keep him but when you want him hes yours

 

thats was the 11th.....in the meantime her brother and i have been on rock ground because i asked him for space from all this after christmas.......after 2-3 weeks of not talking he calls me a leaves a voicemail stating that he has the money he owes me and after talking to his sister she said that i said i had stuff to give her in particular her bear...... so in confusion i emailed her andsaid your bro called and said this whats the deal if you want your bear back just say so.....she then proceeded to do a 180 on me saying that if was cutting her brother off (which i wasnt and imade that clear to him) that giving her bear bacl that meant so much to her would be no big deal.......she then leaves me the option to do whatever i want

 

i respond explaining to her taht i dont know what your bro said but i clearly am not cutting him off and i dont know why that is being stated when in fact i tried numerous times to mend something that wasnt broken with him.......she jumped at me saying i wasnt facing teh truth and i ran from the oppurtunity to clear the air because she said he ripped her because i gave him my version of our breakup.....

 

i said to her look i dont want to fight with you and i dont know why your tone has changed towards me from 10 days ago all i wanted was clarification from a confusing voicemail from your brother....

 

she goes on to say well when people argue they cant communicate they parts ways....i respond if you feel you need to draw a line in the sand with me on every level go ahead i dont want to argue with you i just want peace

 

 

so after all the gut wretching emails back and forth and yet again realizing her bi polarness needing to be right all the time......i drove over and dropped it off while she was at work with a note saying i dont want to fight i dont like drama......if you wanna call to say hi, grab coffee etc great......if you want to rip me accuse me or argue with me leave me be

 

........that was that

 

her brother stopped by my office later that night i told him the bear was taken care of....he said " her wanting the bear back has nothing to do with her feelings for you she cares for you and she knows the sentiment it had for both of you" i said its taken care of i dont need more drama..... then he gave some stuff she had of mine shirts etc.....

 

uggghhhh....................

[arwen]

Hey kickedin,

 

Exchanging each other's stuff is probably one of the most hurtful things that need to be done after a break up. But now that is done, you don't need to worry about that. If the contact with the ex is bothering you, then just remain in NC for a while. If that also means not speaking to her brother, then tell him that it's not because of him but that you just need to not be reminded of her. It's sad, but you can always pick up the friendship later and stay a bit low profile now.

 

Arwen

[friscodj]

Hey kickedin-

 

I'd like to address what you wrote in your first paragraph regarding being a "gentleman" and responding to her.

 

If remaining in a situation, which includes remaining in contact with that situation, continually causes you even low levels of frustration, pain, etc., distancing yourself from that situation is not un-gentlemanly at all. The grace can come from your exit and how you deliver the message.

 

There is a fine line between being perceived as a "gentleman" and/or a "good guy" doing the "right thing" and a pathetic sap and/or proverbial "doormat". That line is drawn in the ink of the effect the situation is having on you, i.e., if it carries negative connotations onto yourself.

 

In emotionally trying times, perhaps times of crisis for some, social graces and weight of the perception of such take a second-row seat to your healing my friend. Now is not the time for your perception of social graces possibly shrouded by likely subtle and visceral ulterior motivates to "win" her back to dictate your actions which hinder and/or set back your healing process. Now is the time to be a gentleman to yourself!