Opening Sexual Paths

[MollyElise]

Ok, I am fairly satisfied with my sex life with my husband, but my fantasies are not nearly as mild as what we currently have. I've never been in a place where I trust someone enough to explore some of my fantasies in real life. I trust my husband in many ways but I feel very uncomfortable talking with him about my fantasies, they aren't normal run of the mill fantasies they are taboo and sometimes even illegal thoughts. I've tried to bring it up once or twice but he freaks out like a kid and says gross eww stuff like that (this was with one of the more mild fantasies); now here is the frustrating thing I KNOW he has some sexual depravity in him too, one night when drunk he told me a couple things (one of which aligns well with some of my fantasies) but neither of us has had the guts to talk about it again... so lil to no progress there. I feel like I am just really beginning to explore my fantasy land and I want to share this with him and learn about his as well, even if it ends up being unenjoyable for one or both of us, I want to try to try it!

 

Does anyone have any experience with something like this? I'm a pretty free and open person but when I think about telling someone my sexual fantasies I feel like a 10 year old talking about periods. How do I open up about this and what can I do to make this fun for both me and my hubby.

 

Thank you!

[jsx730]

I'm in a similar position, only I have yet to come to he point where I feel I really want to divulge some of those fantasies. While I imagine my girlfriend wouldn't respond immaturely, I do believe she wouldn't have interest in said activities, so I guess that's why I don't feel the need to talk about it.

 

If you decide to talk about it, I'd open the conversation with "Id like to have a serious, MATURE talk about sex, and the things I would like to do with you. I understand you may not be interested, and that is your choice, but I feel the need to communicate my desires with you."

 

He needs to learn to handle these things in a mature manner.

 

Some of my milder interests however, I have told my girlfriend about. For me they are mild, for other, more...conservative or insecure males...they would not be. I pretty much just said "Hey, I have something I want to talk about. It's about sex. It's hard to say, but here it is." And it worked. She told me it wasn't her thing, but if it it made me happy she'd help me with it.

[zerohalo]

I know the feeling well. For me, my ex was very encouraging about bringing ideas up and about 99% of the time she was at least willing to give it a go. It was very scary to bring this stuff up for the same reasons you mention, was she going to say ewww, was she going to think I was a bad person, etc, etc.

 

You could just try talking about it immediately after you've had sex, afterglow is a great time because of the connection you're both feeling. Just bring up something very very small at first and gauge his reaction. If he seems intrigued or at least willing to try it, go for it. Hopefully this will help to begin to break the communcation barrier you've got going and you'll both be more open to discussing other activities.

[joiseygrl]

Ooooo Now I'm very curious about your fantasies! I know it'll seem like pure nosiness, but to get some ideas on how to approach the topic, I think you need to tell us about your fantasies.

[afonselaca]

One time, I told my BF my fantasy while he was driving. I started the convo off by telling him (a madeup story) about one of my friends and kinda asked what he thought of her & her hubby's sex problem. Then, I turned the convo along the lines of something I've always wanted to try and described it in detail.

 

Let's just say he was less than halfway paying attention to the road! We got to his place and had the best sex EVER! and I got to play my fantasy out

 

I gotta do that again.

[MollyElise]

joiseygirl - I totally understand noseyness and am typically very open but unfortunately do not feel comfortable giving what would be an accurate answer.

[MollyElise]

I think also I'm fighting with myself b/c I've never voiced these things to anyone and am not sure about how I feel about it being inocrporated in my real life. So there is a general fear of putting this out into the world (other than stuck in my lil head) and a fear of him being disgusted/upset; which from previous discussions is understandable. We both need to work on being more open about this.

[Maverick32x]

I would shy away from trying to have a "mature" conversation.... it seems like you are breaking down your fantasy into something that it isnt... It seems to me that it would turn your fantasy into him going through the motions to satisfy you.... I assume you want him to have some interest in it, or willingness to try it....

 

The idea of after sex is good... but I like the idea of making up a story and seeing his reaction...... and than adding in that you always wanted to try it.... if you get him to go once.. you can just be like "remember that one time... .... I was thinking we should try this...."

[jsx730]

These are things we can't even tell our partners, possibly the people we trust most in this world. Can't really expect us to blab it out to the world via internet =P

[melrich]

I think also I'm fighting with myself b/c I've never voiced these things to anyone and am not sure about how I feel about it being inocrporated in my real life.

 

I think this is true of many fantasies and often the reality does not match the fantasy.

 

a general fear of putting this out into the world (other than stuck in my lil head) and a fear of him being disgusted/upset

 

Youknow your relationship better than anyone but I would be surprised if a partner reacted in this way. He may not wish to indulge your fantasies but I would hope he would not ridicule them.

 

We both need to work on being more open about this.

 

I think for a lot of couples true sexual openess is not easy to achieve. At the end of the day I think you have to determine for yourself how important the fulfilment of these fantasies is for you and make your decisions from there. The more you convince yourself he is not likely to react well, the more you will build up obstacles in your own mind.

[Aleadragonhawk]

Well, I can think of one way of breaking the ice that might spice up your sex-life a little by itself - why don't you propose the idea of maybe reading erotic stories together? You can always start out with something fairly mainstream, and as you become more comfortable with it, see what he thinks about the topic by reading a story together that covers some of your fantasies. That can give you a good idea of his reactions to the fantasies you've been having without flat out saying that these are your fantasies. This method might take some time and patience, but I think it'd be a good way to build up to it if you're uncomfortable talking about it.

[Budman]

Ok, First off I feel I need to interject here.

 

First off fantasy's are great but remember if they are done to often they are then needed to have a climax.

 

(heard it in my human sexuality class)

 

However with that warning, start out small in the fantasy's. AKA, if you want to tie him up or be tied up, ask him hey I think it'd be cool for you to tie me up.

 

Once he gets used to that (again not every time other wise he has a good possibility to only be able to have a climax with BDSM (for real its not good). Anyway, that can lead up to more "taboo" things. Just start small.

 

Example:

 

IF my wife and I weren't the pervs that we are I would start off with:

 

Hey, let me hold you down a bit (something like that)

 

or

 

by gently pulling her hair (judging her reaction)

 

Just working your way up to it, will make it seem less taboo.

 

Back in the day I swore that I would not be ok with a woman who thought kinky was doin it with the lights on. My term of Kinky is a lot different. I don't even think syrup, whip cream, and handcuffs is kinky.

 

I won't even doo most kinky lol.

[MollyElise]

Budman, well my kinks don't really involve handcuffs or BDS&M but we've been talking more and been more open. I told him about a fantasy I had and he shared a similair one, when I brought up acting it out he got kind of weirded out though.

 

We're also at a weird sexual place chemically speaking, I have been on birth control for over ten years and stopped taking it this month for a variety of reasons well I like how I feel not on it, I have a much higher sex drive than I did while on hormones, I feel like a teenage boy, could go after it 4 times a day! On the flip side my husband is on Paxil and is really noticing how much it affects his sex drive (he didn't take his pills for 3 days over last weekend and his sex drive greatly increased when the effects of the pill wore off, which makes us wonder if a lower dosage would work better).

 

We did get a bit into the heat of the moment last night though... I'm going to get Plan B today. So there's a whole nother thing, I don't want to get back on birth control, but I don't want to have a baby yet... and I don't want to use condoms; I have looked into doing a combination of calendar tracking, rhythym and maybe some ovulation tests to figure out my cycle and plan accordingly. Maybe I'll start another thread about that.

 

Thanks for your post!

[jsx730]

You know, condoms really aren't THAT bad. My girlfriend recently went off BC, so we had to go back to using them. Sure it's inconvenient in some ways, but in others it not (no mess!).

 

I'd sure becareful with this whole calendar tracking thing.

[zerohalo]

The rhythm method is not reliable at all. If you aren't interested in condoms, maybe you should think about a diaphram.