read something I wish I hadn't

[hpsowce]

Hi all, I haven't posted for a while. Me and the ex got back together again before christmas, it's our second try at making things work and so far things are going well. She had a few issues when she discovered I had another relationship while we were apart but I couldn't feel too bad for her, it was her decision both times to end it.

 

Well anyway, tonight I was formatting the hard drive on her PC (she isn't here) and I was making sure I got all her files, I was in her my documents folder when I found an MSN messenger log of a number of conversations between her and a guy she works with (i recognised his name on the filename so got curious). They date back to when we first split up and it looks like she was cheating on me (they talk about a kiss they had and it's time stamped the day before she dumped me). Anyway it goes on and it looks like they had a sexual relationship, my heart was beating out of my chest when I read it... I know we were separated but she swore there was no-one else.

 

How do you think I should take this, it looks like it didn't last too long, and she says she loves me more than ever and wants to have kids and get married. But I feel rocked by this... I guess the best thing is to forget about it right?

[keefy1972]

Right.

 

You had a relationship of your own after the break up? Let sleeping dogs lie man. You haven't been back together for very long so I don't think it's an issue that you need to bring up.

 

I mean do you really feel that she loves you and is faithful to you? Do you trust her? That's what it boils down to.

[bubbles07]

This is a hard one since she lied to you about not being with no one else. Do you really feel like she will be truthful with you from now on? If you told her about your relationship during the break up then I think its only right if she tells you. Also now that you know how are you going to handle this, its kind of hard to forget about since she lied to you and its not a small lie, its pretty big. I think that the only way to have a sucessful relationship is to be honest with each other. Since it is just the beginning of you two again I think now would be the best time to bring it up because its still the beginning stages. Also you can't be scared that what you say to her is going to drive her away because thats not healthy either if you have to walk on eggshells all the time and can't be honest about your feelings. I think you have to look within you and ask yourself if this really bugs you, if it does then you have to talk about it with her because if it bugs you that much its better to get it out now then later on. Its bound to come out sooner or later if you get angry at her so let it be now.

 

Also if its a co worker its gonna bug you when ever she is at work because you know they are going to be around each other.

[mikeca]

well it doesnt seem like the relationship started with the truth, can you bury this and have it not pop up again? or will it begin to eat away at you?

[stlyooper]

Yeah, I'd let it go... it's tough, but you have to let it go if want a productive future together.

 

You had a relationship after the split, so don't be hippocritical. Actually, take it as a compliment. She HAD to rebound after you and it DID NOT last... she ultimately came back to you. When separated, people will make decisions they normally wouldn't and people will do things we ultimately wouldn't like... but if your desire for her is strong, focus on the good things you've shared together and the good things you hope to share together in the future.

 

Getting mad at her for this is would be really no different then getting mad at her for something she did years before you even met... it's pointless, and no good if you want to have a healthy relationship from this day forward!

[keefy1972]

I would try to bury it myself. He needs to understand that, according to the chat log, they were talking about some kiss the day before she and him broke up. There were obviously some serious problems between them that contributed to her desiring to stray a bit.

 

Not making excuses but I think if you are to start fresh, then you need to start fresh, and not raise issues prior to the break up. Dredging up the past always leads to more problems. Why bother if he feels he trusts her now?

[bubbles07]

But how is it a healthy relationship to start with when its already starting out with lies?

[keefy1972]

Rule number one in reconcilliation: Never ask about your mate's love life during the break up. It's painful and NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

[bubbles07]

yeah but she told him that there hadn't been no one else and that was just a plain lie, she should of just said yes and then left it at that. she shouldn't of tried to hide it.

[flower99]

honestly....the letting sleeping dogs lie thing sounds good.

BUT I worry & question why she felt the need to lie about it??? she didn't just hide it & change the topic or something....she lied & swore to you! much more, she had issues with YOU haveing relationship during the break up....while she was kissing some guy at work BEFORE she broke up with you.

Personally, I know you want to start fresh & remain in this good place you two are in...But I think it may be an illusion. Because really we see that the relationship started with lies & secrets as to the REAL reason you two broke up.

I think you should address this with her, not so much the dating part (because you also dated someone else) BUT the lying & secrets...that is serious

[keefy1972]

I can see you guys' points. Is she a liar? Do you feel you can trust her? That's what needs to be addressed here. She may have lied for fear of ruining the reconcilliation. Sometimes it is ok to lie to avoid hurting someone else. I doubt it was malicious. She probably just didn't want to get into a discussion about a mistake she'd made. That's human, I think.

[stlyooper]

I guess the big question comes down too...

 

Did she really lie to you, or was it nothing more than a quick rebound-type relationship that ultimately meant nothing to her? In essense, do you believe she LIED to you or did she WITHHOLD information from you that meant little to her and she might have assumed would upset you?

 

What happened... happened, and it happened while you to were separated from each other.

 

If you try to move forward with her under the belief she LIED to you, you are setting both her and yourself up for another failed relationship. I'm sure you don't want that... but if you can't let the knowledge you know have die alone within your mind... you're probably better off not rekindling this relationship... it will probably be doomed from the start.

[flower99]

I can see you guys' points. Is she a liar? Do you feel you can trust her? That's what needs to be addressed here. She may have lied for fear of ruining the reconcilliation. Sometimes it is ok to lie to avoid hurting someone else. I doubt it was malicious. She probably just didn't want to get into a discussion about a mistake she'd made. That's human, I think.

 

 

I agree keefy.... she probably didn't want to get into the discussion about the mistake she made.......But how could she have a problem with his 'mistake' he made than?? (which began after break up, not before like hers)

And just because she wants to avoid the discussion really doesn't make it okay to lie. (kids do that to get out of trouble)

Yeah It probably wasn't malicious intent...But I've hurt a lot of people without malicious intent, it still leaves scares

 

I do totally understand what you are saying keefy & agree for the most part.....But my biggest worry is how many other lies she tells to avoid the discussions?? and if when she thinks shes gotten away with it, if it makes it easier for her to do it more often? (the habit building)

[hpsowce]

Thanks for the replies, so quick and you all make very valid points. I'd just like to clarify that she swore there was nobody else when we first broke up, now I know they had at least kissed before then. She admitted there were relationships whilst we were separated, as did I. I guess her saying there was no-one else when we broke up was maybe because she didn't want to hurt me more than I was (knowing there was something going on would have seriously messed me up), the relationship was in the dumps before the break up and so it's likely that was the over-riding desire to call it off rather than some fling with a co-worker...

 

I've just spoken to her on the phone, since we got back together we have both made a big deal of how we should both be totally honest about things if we are to stand a chance. She said she had intended to delete the files but her PC died before she got round to doing it, she said the relationship was very short and it had meant nothing to her. I didn't mention the fact that I knew they were up to something before we broke up, I couldn't see the point... what would that do? make her feel guilty? what will that achieve after everything we've been through in the last 7 months?

 

I'll let it go now, I've formatted the hard drive and I think it's best to forget I ever read it.

 

Thanks for all your replies, as always they have been very helpful

[onelittleladybug]

I was actually going to say that you should talk to her about this and then I read your last post.

 

I would still talk about that kiss you read about because I'm worried that it will be eating you away for a long time if you don't. My guess is - since this is right before you broke up there were problems between you. Its not an excuse though. But yes - if you are giving your relationship a try again I think you should talk about all this. Tell her you found out about this, THEN let it go get on with your life and your relationship.

[lady00]

It's not clear to me what exactly went down but these are the two possibilities I'm getting from your description: Best case scenario: the relationship was after you two broke up and she didn't tell you about it because she didn't want to upset you. Worst case scenario: she started seeing the guy before she broke up with you and she then lied to you about it because she didn't want you to know she cheated.

 

Of course, if what happens ressembles the first scenario I'd let it go if I were you, but if it looks like the second scenario, well the she cheated on you and lied to you.

[disgruntledbaker]

i think you can pretty much assume that she had made up her mind to leave you a while before you found out. in her mind, whether or not that first kiss with the co-worker happened a day before you found out your relationship together was over for that time, you two were already separated. in her mind, no matter what you say, she didn't cheat on you. i disagree, because until both people have a face-to-face discussion about it being over, its not over... but that sort of logic just won't get through to her.

 

so again, i guess it comes down to what you're willing to tolerate. all things considered, if the relationship is rewarding enough to you and your gut is telling you that she isn't dishonest about anything else... you've brought it to her attention that you know their were other relationships and now you should drop it. if you can't say that the relationship is rewarding enough and you trust her, then it's time to leave and find someone you can share those things with. but think twice before you count this fling with this guy as dishonesty on her part, girls aren't wired to think the same way guys are. you've got to take that into consideration. I AM NOT SAYING TO TOLERATE HABITUAL DISHONESTY. just don't... fly off the handle over a relative "nothing"

[samross]

If you feel that you really love her and her love for you is genuine then FORGIVE HER. You'll never forget, but FORGIVE HER. You wouldn't even have to let her know that you forgive her. Not forgetting doesn't mean you never trust her again - - it just means you're human. Love isn't something that always depends on checks and balances. People make mistakes, and during the periods in between breakups feelings can get hurt big time. Maybe her kiss was a validation for her that leaving you was the right thing to do and later she realized it wasn't? That's a possibility. Keep in mind what you were doing when you discovered the files - - you were formatting her hard drive. CLEANING THE SLATE. GETTING RID OF THE TRASH FROM THE PICTURE. OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE NEW. Could you apply that same principle to your life and relationship with her and forgive her?