Do you have to lose it to make it work?

[Mackenzie]

Sorry if you think it's a dumb question, but just about every girl I know who has or has had a boyfriend ended up losing her virginity to the first guy that came along. I don't feel like I have to do the same if I'm ever in a committed relationship nor do I want to, but is that the way it should be? What I mean is, if the relationship lasts a long time (as in a year or longer) and shows no signs of slowing down, does that mean you should have sex? It's hard for me to say no to a lot of things, and I worry that someday I'll give in to a guy out of fear. So can you have a long-term relationship without sex even when you want more? And when you want more but don't want to have sex for fear of the consequences, what are you supposed to do?!

[Kevin T]

It can last, but requires a lot of determination on both parties' part.

 

Giving in to someone out of fear or coercion is never a good idea, especially about this.

[Dako]

I'd be more afraid of a relationship than of "losing" your virginity.

How many people are hurt because they had sex?

 

Most of the hurting people in this forum are upset about losing a relationship.

 

What is the fear you have?

[Mackenzie]

It's just that I strongly believe in staying a virgin until marriage. I think if I ever meet the right person, he'll be worth waiting for. Plus it's in my family's beliefs that a person should wait until they're married before having sex, and if I gave in before I could never hide it from my mom because we're so close. I was just wondering if people actually made long-term relationships work without having sex. I'm open to committment but I'm not ready to get that physical.

[quietgrl]

peach on my sister because i hear you on this one

[hosswhispra]

A lot of the fears that you're expressing, I have shared--these same fears held me back somewhat in terms of dating--and still do--sort of. I used to think what's the point in me dating when I 'can't' deliver-so-to-speak. My advice is to set up physical boundaries that you're comfortable with.

[Dako]

I'm sure lots of people wait until marriage and are happy.

 

I'd be afraid that a partner might not be sexually compatible.

Sadly, some folks get married and find one has no sex drive, and the other suffers for years. I don't know how that could be determined before marriage.

[Kevin T]

No one has "no" sex drive. Someone could have a diminished one, but not none at all.

[hosswhispra]

I'm sure lots of people wait until marriage and are happy.

 

I'd be afraid that a partner might not be sexually compatible.

Sadly, some folks get married and find one has no sex drive, and the other suffers for years. I don't know how that could be determined before marriage.

 

Do you think that sexual compatibility/fire crackers can be sensed before hand, somewhat--? You know the song Cher sings The Shoop Shoop song--it's in his kiss? I look at it this way--by the time I wanted to have sex with someone, I'd want to marry them too. That's just me

 

PS sometimes my drive is off the wall---began to happen when I became 30

[quietgrl]

It's just that I strongly believe in staying a virgin until marriage. I think if I ever meet the right person, he'll be worth waiting for. Plus it's in my family's beliefs that a person should wait until they're married before having sex, and if I gave in before I could never hide it from my mom because we're so close. I was just wondering if people actually made long-term relationships work without having sex. I'm open to committment but I'm not ready to get that physical.

 

Mackenzie,

Your 17 correct so a virgin woman at your age needs to find a man who is going to respect your sex with commitment belief.You're going to date some men who's going to TRY really hard to change your mind by saying let's have outercourse(oral sex,fingering,dry sex etc) so our relationship doesn't get"bored".Some virgin women fall for the trick and some virgin women don't.

Mackenzie i have the same question as you do.Can a virgin woman casual date men without outercourse or intercourse bring involved? I still don't know the answer yet but i'm not going to have casual sex just because some men can't wait for sex.

[itsallgrand]

Young men are strongly motivated by sex. Ok, not just young men either.

 

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Remember you are in control of your own decisions and your body.

 

I personally do not believe there is one way that things 'should' be. I mean, it isn't necessary to have sex within a certain amount of time in a relationship.

It isn't necessary to have sex at all.

Then again, sex can be very pleasant and enriching especially within the context of a loving and trusting relationship. Which is what I think you are essentially after - with the marriage clause added due to family beliefs and pressures.

 

You will hold up fine so long as you don't allow your fears to control you.

 

If you fear sex, you are more likely to cave into pressures when what you really wish is to say 'no'.

 

I think you might be surprised at how common what you are feeling is with women.

I felt it to a certain degree - I waited until I was 21, which was much longer than my girlfriends.

And you know, those girlfriends of mine who lost their virginity to 'the first guy who came around' - they had the same fears too.

And then, when the time came where intense pressure was put on them by a boyfriend, it seemed to them that 'they had no choice'.

 

There is intense pressure on young women to have sex or to not have sex or to fear sex.

I think none of these are productive.

 

You CAN enjoy exploring your sexuality without crossing your own moral boundaries.

You DO always have the choice to say NO to outside pressures.

Your sexuality is nothing to be afraid of - YOU control what to do with it.

[Mackenzie]

Hosswhispra- I never thought of it that way. I've got plenty of time ahead of me before I should begin to worry about this- I'm not even in a relationship. But that idea made me feel way better. Thanks

[quietgrl]

I'm sure lots of people wait until marriage and are happy.

 

I'd be afraid that a partner might not be sexually compatible.

Sadly, some folks get married and find one has no sex drive, and the other suffers for years. I don't know how that could be determined before marriage.

 

Dako and kevin,

 

I could have sex before committment ,have a high sex drive and after i get married my sex drive is low.A couple needs to realize in a relationship that there is going to be times when nobody getting an orgasm tonight

[Mackenzie]

That makes a lot of sense. The thing is I think I would want to, but I guess I don't want to disappoint my parents. They've got old-fashioned beliefs about marrying within the race and not having sex until then and stuff. They make it sound like waiting is the best way and it does make sense but at the same time I want to do what's right for me. As for my worries being common, I keep thinking of the friends of mine who had sex when they were fourteen and fifteen. It makes me wonder if waiting or not waiting is even that big of a deal during these times. It obviously wasn't to them.

[hosswhispra]

Hosswhispra- I never thought of it that way. I've got plenty of time ahead of me before I should begin to worry about this- I'm not even in a relationship. But that idea made me feel way better. Thanks

 

Knowing what my physical boundaries are and what I am comfortable with has 'helped' me out a lot--and being with people that have respected those boundaries has helped a lot, too.

 

I wouldn't tell anyone you're a virgin right off the bat (not because there is anything wrong with being a virgin). I have found that when you make something an issue--well, it becomes an issue. You develop a rapport with someone over time, that helps, too.

 

It shouldn't hold you back from dating...that's what I am trying to say in my non-tacit fashion

[Dako]

No one has "no" sex drive. Someone could have a diminished one, but not none at all.

 

Well, some people don't want to have sex at all. They may just have a diminished drive, but in the end, it's still a drag for their partner.

 

I'm not trying to promote casual sex, but I can't imagine marrying without knowing you both are on the same page.

 

QG, I know it's a variable. Believe me.

[Mackenzie]

Good point. I don't think it's something to mention either, unless the big question came up Thanks

[Kevin T]

Well, some people don't want to have sex at all. They may just have a diminished drive, but in the end, it's still a drag for their partner.

 

I'm not trying to promote casual sex, but I can't imagine marrying without knowing you both are on the same page.

 

How many MEN are like that, Dako? Eunichs excluded?

[hosswhispra]

Good point. I don't think it's something to mention either, unless the big question came up Thanks

 

You do not have to mention anything until you are completely comfortable. Remember--everything in your own time.

[itsallgrand]

Heh, I think it is a myth about men all being wild stallions when it comes to sex. At the same time, women's sexuality has been promoted as somehow less powerful then mens. I don't believe that stuff. Gotta go on an individual basis.

 

Mackenzie, hey well, there are a lot of good reasons for waiting. The stuff you hear about in sex ed and more. Like broken hearts and crossing boundaries a person isn't ready for.

Again, in my experience, I saw too many of my friends having sex for the wrong reasons and getting hurt in the process and so made a decision to play it real slow. It worked well for me and I knew when I was ready.

I think though if a person is ready to be seriously considering and desiring sex, they are ready to start looking at the pros and cons on their own terms.

 

But maybe a lot of this is jumping the gun. You have the excitement of dating and seeing what you like in guys first. lol.

[Dako]

How many MEN are like that, Dako? Eunichs excluded?

 

Well, some guys have physical problems, mental illness, diabetes, drug side-effects, drug abuse, past alcoholism or just a low sex drive.

Some may even be in the closet, have low hormone levels or circulation.

Or they could be eunuchs.

 

You must be a horny fella.

[quietgrl]

I'm soo glad i'm not a virgin under 21 anymore because there is no "true" support for virgins in high school.A teenage virgin has to least have outercourse with the opposite sex just to be part of the "in"crowd in school. Some parents aren't teaching their kids moral,self repect,values and sexual boundaries and society wonder why almost half of the kids under 18 aren't virgins anymore.Some teenager rather focus on sex then getting an education,job or plan their future It's just sad when you hear virgins under 18 tell us adults "hmm why should i wait for sex?We need more virgin role model because we have enough nonvirgin role model undel 18.

[aymee_lee]

I think if you want to stay a virgin until you get married, you need to find someone with similar beliefs to you. I'm 23, and the only friends I have (who are my age or above) who are virgins are those with a strong faith, hence their desire to remain virgins until they marry. These girls tend to date only those people who are a member of their church, or at least a church. (This is not to say that someone who isn't religious won't have these beliefs, or somone not religious, won't respect yours). These friends of mine don't neccessarily have to date someone who attends church, but 99% of the time they chose too, because they are dating like minded people.

 

My point is, it would be more difficult to find someone with similar beliefs about sex before marriage (although not impossible) if you're out searching in night clubs or pubs or wherever, than if you look for potential partners in settings that are more suited to your beliefs. It works both ways, I'm not religious, so I'm not going to even look at dating the guys from my friends' church group because our faith systems are totally different, and to me, that's a fundamental diffrerence in lifestyle choices.

 

I'm not even sure if you are religious, and it doesn't really matter either way, but as your beliefs seem to stem from that, maybe you should consider who you date, and if their beliefs systems match yours, you should be fine. The main reason people have difficulty with the 'sex before marriage' issue is if it's important to remain a virgin for only one of the parties in the relationship. If you both believe it's important, you should have less trouble keeping strong on your choice.

[Mackenzie]

Actually I'm atheist, so I guess meeting someone at church is out of the question, not because I wouldn't want a religious guy but because I don't go to church in the first place. I guess I'm hoping I'll meet someone who'll respect my wish and find the wait worthwhile. Maybe that's too much to expect but I'll just have to wait and see. I'm still really young, but I know I definitely want to get married and start a family.