Stop Me From Breaking NC!!!!!

[GoingForIt_77]

You too man. Thanks!

[TijuanaJones]

Hi there!

 

Im happy to see you are doing better and respecting her space. Keep doing it and you will make yourself proud! With or without her you will be fine.

 

teke care man!

[jazzykat]

GFI -you sound so much better! I like the way you're percieving the situation now!

 

Keep up the strong positive attitude!

 

It will stand you in good stead later on, whatever the outcome!

 

Is there a chance that maybe a friend, or mutual friend could take care of giving back each other's belongings? Just a thought.... -it might just help you with keeping up the no-contact..?

 

No contact is hard isn't it? -I'm trying to do it myself.

 

I'm the dumper in the relationship (my ex relationship wasn't healthy) -but I find it just as hard.

 

The relationship wasn't good for me -so I have to keep reminding myself that, if I get tempted to contact/reply to contact..

 

I can relate to being surrounded by reminders -my ex used to live here, until I asked him to leave.

 

The reminders can be painful, especially when you think of the future you had planned together..

 

But nevermind -wasn't meant to be.. and I guess in time, it will get easier..

I'm actually looking forward to time being single and working on me.

 

In time I know I will find someone more suitable, but for now I'm just content to enjoy my own company and rediscover my interests.

 

What do you do for relaxation/fun GFI?

[GoingForIt_77]

Jazzycat, I'm a little confused as to why you are on Getting Back Together when you don't want to?

 

As the dumper, be honest with me. If he really did present himself to you as a NEW him. As the man you loved. The parts you loved and the ones you couldn't live with were fixed, could you ever change your mind. Be honest, because most dumpees don't really change. They do what they can to convince the dumper to take them back, BUT, let's say you were still single and he did approach you as a different guy than the one you ended it with, would you consider at all letting him back in, even in a very small capacity? I don't want to give you false hope, but I am just curious and don't let your hurt speak, but be completely honest. Is there part of you deep down that wishes he would really change and become the man you loved?

[GoingForIt_77]

For Fun? I gave up all my interests! lol...Actually my ex ALWAYS encouraged me to pick them up again.

 

I play guitar, love music, movies, practice martial arts, do weights, read, love anything water related (beach).

[jazzykat]

Hi GFI,

 

Well first off I really read any of the posts -no matter what forum they are in..

I just click on the "New Posts" button -and go from there..-it brings up all the posts which have recently been posted, regardless of forum.

I guess you could say I'm forum surfing

 

To answer your question...um..

 

I guess I have to answer that in the 'here and now' -at this point in time..

 

Well to date, I have taken my ex back countless amounts of times -on the promise that he would change/get better/go to therapy..

 

I wanted to believe him, I really did.... but everytime it would be good for a couple of days, and then he would go back to his same ole, same ole.

 

I guess he did this to me enough times, that it actually affected my feelings for him -hard to explain -but it's like something changed or 'died' inside of me?

I guess over time a wall has been put up inside of me, and each subsequent time he hurt me -more bricks or layers were added to that wall..

 

The point I'm at now, I have absolutely ZERO trust (that he'll change) -and I believe that my heart has moved on... I still grieve for what once was, but I now think that the person he is now -is the person he really was inside all along..

And the beginning of the relationship (what *I* thought was nice) was really just a lie, and it was him trying to be something he's not, in order to win me over.

 

Whatever I had for him has died, and it's like my heart, and obviously my mind, just refuses to go there again -no matter what..

If he came back saying he changed, I just wouldn't, couldn't believe him -my heart and soul wouldn't let me... and that is the truth.

 

I'm not hurting for the person he is, I'm hurting for what he led me to believe we *had* -what he led me to believe he was -and I'm hurt that he took that away.. irrational really -because it was a lie to begin with..

 

But anyway, he promised time and time again to get therapy -he never did.

At least you are.

Hard to compare the two situations really..

 

But to honestly answer your question, I would have to say, in my situation -no.

[GoingForIt_77]

Thank you Jazzy for your honesty and I don't want to hurt you with all of these questions, but I'm just trying to gain some more insight the situation, to maybe see what's in your head.

 

I do have a couple more questions related to particular situation.

 

1. Okay, how long did you guys go out before you broke up with him officially the first time?

 

2. Did you take him back right away when he promised to go for help and change, or did it take awhile for you to take him back?

 

3. For all following times, how long was the duration of time from the moment you broke it off with him, until you took him back and was it always him who had to prove things to you?

 

4. Did you apply NC during those times and how long was the longest NC you applied until you took him back? OR did you guys just end it for a day or two and then were back together, which I don't really constitute being a break-up persay...

 

5. During the time you WERE broken up (left him) did you TRY and move on (go on chat lines/dates), but still had hope deep down inside that he could change and that's why you did give him the chance back then? Did you ever tell yourself and him that you wouldn't take him back (give him no hope) and then DID take him back.

 

6. What did HE have to do, or WHAT did he do to get you to change your mind back then and was it easy to do (only if the break-up was for longer then a couple of days of course).

[GoingForIt_77]

Facebook isn't the only thing she re-joined. Looks like LAVALIFE as well and she is announcing that she is starting the year off on a good note!

[keenan]

GFI, I've been following your other thread. I have to point out that when she asked you for space, she probably didn't know that she needed to explicitly request that you not *stalk* her online. You (probably, hopefully) wouldn't hire a private investigator to track her movements in real life. Why do you think it's ok to spy on her electronically? Yes, I *know* it's all public information, and you're not breaking any laws, and you're obsessed...but what part of your behavior constitutes "space"? That you're invisible and so she doesn't KNOW that you're there? Come ON.

[GoingForIt_77]

It allows me to see things for what they are, so I know what I am dealing with. It allows me not to be so blind and naive and in reality, it makes me stronger, because her activity on their reminds me of how I made my own bed.

 

I am still respecting her space. In fact, I am even respecting her space more than I ever thought I could, seeing I KNOW what she is doing during this space and I have not ONCE fallen apart, broken down and called her on it.

 

I am swallowing the pain and allowing it to make me stronger and see things for what they are. Sure, it may make my overall task harder, or maybe even impossible, but I am proud that I am doing not doing what most would when being faced with this knowledge, which is break down and REACH OUT for her pleading and pushing her away more in the process.

 

This is making me colder and not so inclined to want to perhaps jump into something with her again. I am NO longer worshipping her every step. I am taking care of me.

 

I still believe I will call at some point, but I will make NO mention of what I found out. I will just be and probably mention how we should arrange to have our respective stuff exchanged at some point and that's it. If she wants to take it into a different direction, then it will be up to her to do so...

[keenan]

I am still respecting her space. In fact, I am even respecting her space more than I ever thought I could, seeing I KNOW what she is doing during this space and I have not ONCE fallen apart, broken down and called her on it.

 

I am proud that I am doing not doing what most would when being faced with this knowledge, which is break down and REACH OUT for her pleading and pushing her away more in the process.

 

I am ~also~ proud of you that you aren't reaching out to her and pleading your case. You've come a long way in a short amount of time. I'm glad that seeing her rebuild her life is helping you see her (and this situation) more clearly. But I'm not convinced that you're respecting her *privacy*...which is surely part of space. (I know...all her posts are public, available for anyone to read. But don't split hairs -- you know what I mean.) And there's really nothing for you to "call her on." Call her on for what? Living her life? Communicating with others without your permission? Semantics aside ("Give me space" vs. "I never want to see you again"), the content of her message to you is clear: "Leave me alone." Whether for a short while or forever, the duration of the period of space calls for an *absense of you*. I think it's very cool that you've backed off and aren't actually in her physical space anymore. But the privacy issue...the stalking from behind a keyboard...think about that. You may be able to make even more progress if you shut down the computer and go for a walk, take a trip, or do something that doesn't involve her in any way.

[GoingForIt_77]

Keenan, I hear what your saying. I really do. I think there is a far greater difference between I need a little bit of space, vs. I don't ever want to speak with you again, so don't call me.

 

No, I am not mad at her persay for living her life. I am not jealous. I miss her yes. I do know that I made my bed. I am taking responsibility for my actions and I am and have been respecting her since the break up, both before NC and now since.

 

She did not quantify how much space she was looking for. I don't think she even knew at the time. It may have been meant she needs space to find someone else, or space to deal with the pain, or space to put things into perspective, or space to be able to accept the situation and HOPEFULLY see you different and that possibly could mean "get over me", or lose the hurt and pain.

 

Either way, I got through the entire week and almost the entire weekend now.

 

I am still debating if my first contact for her should be simply to say hi and see how she is doing (her new job, school, her grandmothers condition), or if it should be about exchanging our stuff, or a combination of the both?

 

I wonder through all of this attention she is getting, if she is able to even miss me at all?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think it is great that you have been respecting her wishes and giving her space via no contact, but it might also help you if you try to spend less time mentally and emotionally focusing on that next contact with her.

 

She seems to be moving forward with her life, and it might be a good idea for you to establish contact with other people and go out with your friends and make new friends too. if your love is really strong, then lots of friends won't take away from that, and if it's not, then having your own friends is a good support system to help you heal and recover.

 

i know you are hoping that she will take you back, but it would probably be healthiest for you to also get your own life going without her at the center of your life and your thoughts. that way your life will be healthy and happy, and it takes the pressure off both of you should you two ever talk again.

 

if you're putting all your emotional eggs in one basket, then if the future contact you have planned with her doesn't go well, it will be very upsetting for both of you... so keep up with your healing, and try not to spend time on her web pages, because that probably just makes you feel worse and doesn't change anything between you.

[GoingForIt_77]

Be Strong, you're absolutely right. You know, what this time away from her is doing for ME is realize that I'm not so Gung Ho about the idea of her taking "me back" as I am so much about me finding myself in this process and realizing that I am strong and that I am good enough and worthy of love. I know I wasn't always a nice guy with her and I know I hurt her and scared her. I would love to have her in my life right now. Right now she is living her life and it seems to be on FAST FORWARD, while I'm taking a step back with mine. I can see things more clearly that way.

 

I don't know what I want anymore after seeing her present actions. I don't think I would plead with her for a second chance. That's not equal. That's not how I would like to start anything with her. That would be on the wrong foot.

 

Hurt, pain and fear DOES go away and I really do hope that this space is helping her with that, alongside her new social life she is actively seeking on her own.

 

I will not put any more wedge between the two of us, even though I currently feel like we are light years away from each other. She wants it to be that way now and that's obvious. The worst thing I can do is try and put a stop to that, because that would KILL all chances of keeping a door open JUST in case. Are her actions showing me she wants to keep a door open, seeing she never replied to my sister almost a week ago and is back out there, or is not even checking in on me in ANY capacity, as if I never existed. It hurts, but I will NOT let her know that. That's how I KNOW I have changed. It's called self-respect.

 

I am respecting her now and will respect her when in contact and that's all I can do.

[jazzykat]

Well again, my situation is different, I guess in the beginning, it was promises and lip service that got me back... -now it seems like he is trying to force himself to stay in my life..

 

I guess maybe I could answer it as -to get me back -for good- (back then) He would've had to have definitely gone to therapy, put in an active effort towards undoing the damage he inflicted on the relationship, working on the relationship WITH me -not just leaving it all up to me, learned to communicate better, control his anger, work on his self esteem.... -the list goes on... He *said* he would do all of those things... but he never ever did.. -every excuse under the sun for why not.

I guess I just got sick of getting hurt, over, and over, and over, and he REALLY REALLY hurt me -made a huge impact on my self esteem. -and I also got sick of the broken promises..

 

-So here I am today.... stuck in a situation with a guy who thinks he can FORCE his way back into my life, or FORCEFULLY stay in my life -by controlling the situation via refusing to cut the last link to me.(sign his name off the lease/move out)

Looking back, he really was always controlling in a Passive Aggressive and Manipulative way, he REFUSED to believe it was over when I wanted to break up (he always had the attitude "Oh she doesn't mean what she's saying, I know what's best for her" -GRRRRR!!!!) -obviously still does- and tried (is trying) to FORCE me to stay in a situation that I'm not happy in!

 

Sorry to hijack your thread GFI! -got a little carried away there -my ex just get's me angry the way he won't take no for an answer and get out of my life -it's creepy, and it's like he's delusional or something!!

He makes me cringe out of embarrassment for him, because he honestly thinks he can have a future with me -and everthing I do to tell him/show him otherwise -he just excuses it away..

Sometimes I get sooooooooo angry at him out of frustration and really give it to him, to try and get him out of my life -but it seems like he must just pass it off as "Oh she's having a little tantrum/she's got PMT -she'll calm down -I'll just give her some space.." ARRRGHH!!

 

I feel like I have to be really really nasty to him to get the message accross!!

Because when I'm polite or whatever, he must see me as being weak -and think he can manipulate me into staying or something?! -If someone doesn't want to be with you, why force it -why can't he just accept and move on?!! -UGHH!!!

I feel like inventing a new relationship and rubbing it in his face -to get rid of him! -No matter which approach I take with him -he'll always explain it away in his own little head, and still cling to the idea that I want to be with him..!!

 

Actually, I'm going to not have any contact aside from prompting him to pay rent (if he doesn't pay -it comes down on me..) -and see if he likes paying half rent for an apartment he doesn't and never will live in.. maybe that'll make him wake up and realise it's over, and that he needs to get out! -sheez!!

 

It's gone from wanting to break up because he keeps hurting me/we're uncompatible.... to me resenting him to the point of near hatred -because he won't take no for an answer -he's driven me to that. There is no turning back now. EVER.

 

Ahhhhhh..... vent over now!! (bit of a ramble actually!) -over to you GFI!

[GoingForIt_77]

Hi Jazzy,

 

Okay, so I read EVERYTHING you wrote and I thank you for going into such detail. I know it may not have been easy for you do rehash the past like that.

 

You know, as much as you say that our situation is different, it is, but at the same time, it's not THAT different.

 

Your ex may have treated you the same way I treated my ex "at times" (got to the point where it was too much for her to overlook anymore), but even though she told me a couple times that she couldn't do it anymore, because of the fact that I would make her feel amazing and then a few days later she would cry. The only OFFICIAL break-up where she meant it was the one from 11 days ago. Now, how your ex and how I differ, is that I did NOT use intimidation, nor did I impose myself on her. I suppose I could have and possibly still could (even though I'm sure she's less vulnerable now with her new found support system), but I have opted out to do the RIGHT thing and admit to my mistakes, apologize, seek out help and respect her wish for space, HOWEVER, even though she told me she loves me with ALL HER HEART, her current actions (having not responded to my sister a week ago, not wanting to talk to, or see me, having blocked me on her MSN, Myspace and created a new profile on facebook and possibly lavalife, which all indicate to me that she's enjoying her new life and IS moving on, forgetting about me COMPLETELY in the process.)

 

I have NOT chased her. I have been understanding, respectful, kind and far from trying to change her mind, HOWEVER, I just can't see how she could cancel me out like this, after having shown the remorse that I did. This doesn't feel like she ever gave me, nor would she even be open to giving me a second chance, even if I got better. She never really did give me a second chance. YES, she tried to end it a couple of times (that didn't last for longer than a few minutes/hours at most), but I suppose was too weak to go through with it, because she still had hope that I would ALWAYS treat her well. Well, when she made her decision 11 days ago, it seems like she's grown stronger in it and has gotten the support from everyone and now all I am to her is a big bad monster and I'm not.

 

Why is it that you wanted to believe that your ex could change and seeing, or at least believing that she was going for help, gave you hope and reassurance that he was serious about it and could change and how come my ex doesn't care one way or another if I DO get help or not. She's NOWHERE supporting me even from a distance. How could she claim she loves me with all her heart, yet, not care if I can get helped or not? Something is not adding up. If she still loved me, she wouldn't be cancelling me out of her life like a cancer, yet still claim that she cherished what we had.

 

I still want to deal with the issue of our respective belongings, but I am still respecting her space for a little while longer before I contact her for that. I didn't want it to be JUST about that, but it feels like that's what she's forcing me to make it all about.

 

What are your detailed thoughts on all my points Jazzy? Thanks for all your help

 

Dan

[lady00]

Hi Jazzy,

 

How could she claim she loves me with all her heart, yet, not care if I can get helped or not? Something is not adding up. If she still loved me, she wouldn't be cancelling me out of her life like a cancer, yet still claim that she cherished what we had.

 

I still want to deal with the issue of our respective belongings, but I am still respecting her space for a little while longer before I contact her for that. I didn't want it to be JUST about that, but it feels like that's what she's forcing me to make it all about.

 

What are your detailed thoughts on all my points Jazzy? Thanks for all your help

 

Dan

 

Hey GFI, I know this question is for Jazzy but I just wanted to comment on a few things. Hope you don't mind. I think that you missing something when you say that she has cancelled you out of her life and forgotten aout you. Yes it may seem that way to you and outwardly she seems to have forgotten you and cancelled you out but chances are she hasn't. Chances are she thinks about you a lot. I have a friend who was emotionally abused by her now ex boyfriend for two years. After she ended it, she was upset about it and she stopped speaking to him and asked him to give her space. She by no means forgot about him but her feelings did change. She was angry. She thought about him daily in fact. She continued to have feelings for him and at times wanted to see him in a romantic way (and at times saw him and felt attracted to him again) but she forced herself to suppress those feelings because she knew he wasn't the right person for her.

 

I think that you shouldn't assume too much about her feelings based on what you can see of her actions. People don't forget that easily. They don't lose feelings that easily. BUT they may intellectually decide to suppress the feelings and not act on them even if they really want to because they have made a decision that it's not the right thing for them.

Loving you and wanting to be with you are two entirely different things. Don't assume she's cold and doesn't love you. But don't assume that if she loves you she will automatically want to support you and be with you. You're hoping for a second chance, but from her point of view, she gave you many chances so now she is not under any obligation to support you. But think of it this way: you don't need her support. Look at you...you're surviving a rough breakup and you're getting help...you don't need her support. A lot of people would fall apart in your situation but you're working hard to not do that. Independence is an attractive quality so the fact that you are doing this on your own without her support may end up being something that she finds attractive down the line if she has healed from the hurt caused by the relationship. The last thing you want to do is show in any way that you need her. By giving her space, you're showing that you don't need her. Also, its probably good for you to tell yourself (instead of wondering why if she loves you she isn't supporting you) that you don't need her support...you can make the changes you need (with the help of your therapist and with the support of your friends and family) but you don't need her.

 

Good luck with everything!

[jazzykat]

Hi GFI,

 

I would have to say that I echo Lady's thoughts on your situation..

At this stage I don't really have anything else to add.

 

From what I've read of your posts, I would still stick with the NC, at least until your ex approaches you for her belongings -if that's what she opts to do.. -that way, you've definitely respected her wishes.

 

I read in one of your other posts that she is 19? (and looking at your profile, you are 29?)

 

Do you think that part of her behaviour, is her wanting to spread her wings? -and experience the dating scene? -and not neccesarily wanting to be tied down to a committed relationship? I guess that's what a lot of people her age may be doing?

 

Hard to say really, but I just put that out there as a possibility..

 

Anyway, like Lady says -keep on doing what you have been doing recently.

That seems to be working well for you.

 

Jaz.

[GoingForIt_77]

Ladies, after over a week of STRAIGHT NC, I received an email from my ex. It was pretty formal and to the point. Saying hi and that she wanted to know if she could come by THIS Saturday afternoon at some point to drop off my stuff and pick up hers. She asked me if that would be okay with me and to please let her know. That was it.

 

Now, what's interesting is that she contacted me after I actually respected her space and did not contact her once. Coincidental? Is it an excuse for her to break contact (maybe she misses me and is worrying that I am MOVING on myself?)?

 

I have yet to respond. I'm giving it at least 24 hours and then I will let her know that I have plans on Saturday and that we'll do it another time and leave it at THAT.

 

Also, her BEST friend has sent me an invite to HER facebook account, wrote a comment on my page and sent me a personal email saying "Dan just because you are not together with "ex's name", I thought that maybe WE can still talk. You seemed pretty cool."

 

Now, I was never friends with this girl. She IS my ex's BEST gf and why would she want to be MY friend now and why is my EX NOW emailing me? It's all happening at the same time. All after I've done NOTHING for over a week. Something my ex probably didn't think I had in me to do.

 

Thoughts please on all of this...

 

Thanks

[keenan]

It's possible that she means what she says -- that she wants to exchange stuff. She might feel more positively about you if you agreed to (the timing of) her request, rather than attempting to take control of the situation by putting her off. I would feel frustrated with you if you did that to me.

 

As for her friend -- who knows. It could be genuine, or she could be hitting on you. Either way, it would be more respectful to your ex to let it drop.

[lady00]

She might feel more positively about you if you agreed to (the timing of) her request, rather than attempting to take control of the situation by putting her off. I would feel frustrated with you if you did that to me.

 

Unless you actually have plans that day...then definitely don't drop everything you're doing at her request.

 

Also, if you can't make it...suggest a concrete alternative...otherwise she really will be justified in feeling annoyed.

[GoingForIt_77]

Yeah, but my life doesn't revolve around someone who has kept me in the dark for close to 2 weeks and her FIRST form of contact is a cold and business like email, not even addressing me by my name, or even asking me how I am, or take care, or have a good night. NOTHING, but coldness.

 

Guess what? Even though I did hurt her, I am deserve more than THAT.

 

She's not even getting a response from me for a day or two. I want to sit on it. If she REALLY wants her stuff back that baddly, she'll have to give me a little bit more kindness and respect. I have my dignity too and thanks to her actions, I'm remembering that.

 

She's treating me like I am not even worth a hello or a goodbye. I am NO ONE'S dog. I'm sorry, but she NEVER would have spoken to me like that in the past EVER and I don't feel right in responding to THAT. At least not for a bit. When I do, if I don't get something else from her first, I will just mirror her email. Guess what, it hurts, but more than anything, it's making me wake up to how low she actually looks down on me. I'm picking myself up though and am rasing my standards.