Urge to break NC growing, talk sense into me

[disgruntledbaker]

was a relatively friendly break-up

 

been on 2.5 weeks of NC without a problem

 

well... until about 4 days ago when i felt a rush of anxiety i guess, haven't been able to get over it.

 

someone talk some sense into me before i tell the girl how much i miss her and waste the last few weeks of work...

 

and if possible, someone let me know about this light thats supposed to be at the end of some tunnel somewhere

[Clementine orange]

Wait for at least three weeks and then review the situation. If you are really going to break NC then do it when you are strong, not when you are weak.

Think about it.

[Scout]

Wait for at least three weeks and then review the situation. If you are really going to break NC then do it when you are strong, not when you are weak.

Think about it.

 

I think that's a good idea. It's not that breaking NC is a mistake, so much as doing it when you're longing to because you're gripped with a lot of emotions at that moment.

 

And maybe in a few weeks, you could contact her and ask to visit the pup you two had together.

[Lady Bugg]

I agree with the others...except I think saying wait a few "weeks" is a bit daunting when your in the throes of NC anguish.

I always say aim for smaller goals. Like.. five days ..a week....or 10 days. THEN see how you feel. Chances are more likely that you'll be over those feelings and urges...then keep going. I just think it's hard enough doing NC...

Remember..one day at a time.

[need2bme]

True. I say pick a day a little while from now (like the 3 weeks mentioned) and tell your brain and subconscious that it is ok to talk to her. Then, when you get to that date, either talk to her or move the date.

 

People in some 12 Step programs, use that trick all the time.

 

My advice is not to call her now though, when you are so anxious.

[disgruntledbaker]

i know im in an awful spot right now. im only just barely beginning to let myself believe we're over and done with for good

 

im aching, and missing her too much to possibly keep cool and not go off on her. i'd definitely like to continue healing and leave off on a good note. both for my own dignity and also because, lets face it, when something is over you never wanted to end you want to know you may have it again in the future...

 

so i don't doubt for a second i need to give it more time... but my heart is a hell of a lot more pursuasive than my mind at times. i've bored my friends to death hearing about all this, so you guys were my last line of defense before i screwed up...

[audrey28]

was a relatively friendly break-up

 

been on 2.5 weeks of NC without a problem

 

well... until about 4 days ago when i felt a rush of anxiety i guess, haven't been able to get over it.

 

someone talk some sense into me before i tell the girl how much i miss her and waste the last few weeks of work...

 

and if possible, someone let me know about this light thats supposed to be at the end of some tunnel somewhere

 

i am on day 12 today....you are farther off than i am....i don't know how to get to where u are (2.5 weeks)....but you did it, so believe that you have the strength to go on. i look up to ppl who are farther off than i am and i get this encouragement. u were strong and u can continue to be so. we're here to help each other, and in the process we also realize that we have this inner strength that helps us carry on. just always remember that you're not alone in this. there are people in your life who care about you- friends, family, people in this forum. and there is a future. 10 years from now, the pain we are experiencing now will be a distant memory. the time will come when we will be thankful that we were strong enough not to give in...because the rewards of being at peace with ourselves is worth the wait.

[Scout]

i know im in an awful spot right now. im only just barely beginning to let myself believe we're over and done with for good

 

im aching, and missing her too much to possibly keep cool and not go off on her. i'd definitely like to continue healing and leave off on a good note. both for my own dignity and also because, lets face it, when something is over you never wanted to end you want to know you may have it again in the future...

 

so i don't doubt for a second i need to give it more time... but my heart is a hell of a lot more pursuasive than my mind at times. i've bored my friends to death hearing about all this, so you guys were my last line of defense before i screwed up...

 

Ok, you need a big...virtual...(((((HUG))))!!!

 

I'm sorry you're going through this right now, friend. It will subside somewhat, but that doesn't help while you're actually experiencing it, does it?

 

The one thing I noticed when I went back over some of your threads was that you mentioned you two had broken up numerous times. I think you said half a dozen, or in that general area.

 

Why so many break ups, do you think? If there was one issue you could pinpoint that seemed to rear its head time and time again for you two, what was it?

[littlebylittle]

From personal experience I would say JUST HANG IN THERE. I'm very much an emotional heart led person and I broke NC after two weeks with a text simply saying "I miss you". I regret that deeply now for two reasons. 1) I feel like I'm back to square one with my own personal development and growth and 2) If I'm honest I want her back, and the more I read experiences and advice on these forums the clearly it becomes that breaking NC or saying "I miss you" simply gives the power back to the dumper AND more importantly makes you less appealing as you simply seem needy.

 

You need to move on. However hard that is, I can see myself typing this and nodding yet I still know I'll be crying myself to sleep tonight, so I'm well aware that it's easier said than done. But do it you must. It will give you two minutes relief when you make that call or send that message, then a day or two later you'll hate yourself for it.

 

Get out and go for a run, go and chat with your friends, watch a film....do anything that can distract you. Start writing a list of things you want to achieve, focus on the future and if you want her in it then you must realise the only way that will happen is if you are strong enough to MOVE ON.

 

It sounds incredibly counter-intuitive but the fact is - if the two of you are meant to be then she'll be back. If you start begging then she'll probably be more inclined to run the other way. Neediness is not attractive. Don't worry about her forgetting you if you don't 'check in', if she does then she isn't worth your love in the first place. Trust me, you'll be on her mind as much as she is on yours. This doesn't mean she necessarily wants you back, but should rest your mind that you don't need to go chasing to let her know you're there - she knows.

 

Bottom line - if it's right, she'll be back. If it's not then she won't. NO amount of begging or pleading will change that. Don't you ultimately want to be a better person, for YOU first and foremost and for her if it turns out how you clearly want it to.

 

Chin up.

 

Go put on some music and sing your heart out.

 

Take Care of Yourself.

[disgruntledbaker]

scout

 

to answer your question... it's pretty complicated (aren't all relationships). if i had to sum it up it would go something like this: she fell for me hard and fast. to be completely honest, I was sort of crushing on another girl when my ex was in the honeymoon phase of our relationship. i definitely noticed the attention and the amount of love she was throwing at me, and it snapped me out of my previous crush quick... but before i completely opened myself up to her and fell into the honeymoon stage beside her i set some goals for myself.

 

first was to be done with school before i enter into a truly serious relationship (such as marriage for instance). we broke up when i left for college once, broke up again when i started paramedic school, and a few times in between all so i could accomplish other goals... but every single time we found ourselves together again within the week. we missed each other too much. i was denying how much i was falling for her all the while, and she couldn't understand why i couldn't give her my heart while i was working on myself at the same time. this went on for like 3 years, and despite the struggle i was going through and the beating she was taking emotionally, we were never happier than when we were together. we meshed so well on so many levels.

 

there was sort of an "incident" before christmas a year ago when she came to visit me at work after i prematurely left a party we were at together, and she found that i was working with an attractive girl that she suspected had feelings for me (turned out my ex was right). she got the wrong idea that i was leaving her/the party to spend time with this other girl (not even close to the truth) and was crushed and sort of gave up on waiting for me. she was heartbroken, and didn't know a better way to deal with it than to find someone else (and pronto).

 

part of what drew me so much to her was how dedicated i felt she was to me, and how my trust in her grew because of that and made me feel safe enough to give her my heart. and part of what made her love me was her faith and belief that one day i'd snap to my senses and make her a higher priority in my life. i didn't snap fast enough, and when i did she had already moved on. i threw myself at her, and she was reluctant to believe me but there was still enough emotional attachment between us that she let the other guy go and came back to me. from that point on i could feel that neither of us completely opened up to each other again and trusted... so this entire last year we were sort of living in fear of each other. and the more i felt it, the more desperate i became. and i think that sort of pushed us further apart.

 

and now here we are. she needs "time and space" to "find herself" again. and im doing NC, both to find myself (because desperation and pitiful-ness were never EVER qualities that i had) and to respect her wishes. i guess the earlier breakups weren't so major in that there was an issue other than my own reluctance to open up, and believe me im past that... its resolved. the big one was when we both lost trust and faith, and couldn't manage to regain it while we were together.

 

and to the rest of you:

 

im hanging. some days are definitely better than others. some days i habitually check and recheck aol buddy info and away messages, myspace pages, and talk to mutual friends about what shes up to, clutch a pillow she left here because it still smells like her, read old love letters, etc. other days i may think about her frequently but i'm able to hold strong to my own rules to not do any "investigating" or bringing up the past with these letters and trinkets, they all stay in a box in the attic. keeping busy helps a lot, spending time out of the house does too... but in those times when you find yourself circling and unable to occupy your mind with anything else... this message board is my favorite "restraint device"

 

just so hard to shake the feeling that this isn't the way it's supposed to end. gotta get that out of my head before im even close to healed.