What should I do? Desperate!!

[GoingForIt_77]

I'll say it again man. I hope you can hear me. This is important. This unfortunately isn't all about what you feel and if only she knew how you feel. If you want her back in your life in the future, you need to listen to HER and what's important to her. Don't assume you know what she's going through, or how easy it is for her to do what she's doing.

 

Right now, if you really DO have remorse, take your time to yourself and explore that, but away from her, because if you don't separate yourself from her for awhile, you'll just end up hurting each other over and over again.

 

Take a break from her man. Whether it be permanent, or temporary, that is up to you, but either way, you need it as much as she does and take this time to heal and get stronger again and not trying to convince her of anything, because that will never win her over, EVER.

[need2bme]

You most certainly could carry some stuff over into this relationship.

 

Hell, sometimes we don't even know it. I carried stuff from this relationship, into the the girl I saw for a little while in between. I would have an attitude about some things or try to convince her of things I had in me or ways that I acted. I did all of this and when we were no longer seeing each other, I felt just like I felt when the long-term ex that got me here, broke up with me.

 

Why? Because I brought in the baggage. So, be careful.

 

Also, I totally agree that you two sound like teenagers. Not to sound rude, but you do. I have made calls before and wanted to beg, but never basically broke into a house.

 

Look, I too think you are a really nice guy who just got a little out of control. With all the crud you have been through, it is not surprising. You have to give her her space. You have to!! It is the right thing to do.

 

I want to email my ex right now, but that would not be loving, or fair. My ex wants her life without me in it, so that is what I am going to give her. Sometimes, you have to love enough, to let it go.

 

We all do silly things man. I got highlight and cut the hair. Lost a lot of weight. Put on the tightest shirt I could find and tried to seduce her. Dude, I was so teenaging it...

 

Let it go for now. Not forever, just for now.

 

Oh, and I know all about the kids. I had young kids when the ex and I got together. She raised her sisters, but I would still tell her that she should not tell me how to raise kids, until she has them. Wrong thing to say; don't ya think?

 

Take a step back and a deep breath and just show her that you are ok and give her her space...

[TWIS7ER]

Thats what I am doing now is thinking about what she wants, I am leaving her alone and giving her her space, I have not contacted her now for 24 hours. I know that don't sound like a lot of time, but it is the longest I have ever went without sending her a message or anything. She did message me earlier out of the blue and told me that her little boy wanted to call me. and all I said was ok.

 

When I very first asked her this yesterday if it was completely over with her, She said as far as a relationship it is. What does that mean exactly? As far as a relationship.

 

I am remaining strong and not going to contact her. This Sunday would have been our 9 month mark, It's going to be a sad day for me. But I will stay strong. I know she will probably be surprised that I don't contact her on that day, But then again she might not even remember it would have been our 9th month.

[doyathink]

You know that actions speak louder then words...correct?

So....your actions with her were...shall we say...overbearing!

 

Now...all she knows of you..as of late...is that she is probably relieved that she isn't fighting with you..or having to defend herself. I would say she is probably relieved....but I doubt happy or content.

 

By you 'leaving her alone' (NC) this is showing her (action) that you are....truly working on getting your old self back again......because you are fulfilling her wishes.

 

You can tell her till your blue in the face that you will ...or have changed...but without 'action' that is required....you will have no wind in your sail.

 

You see what I'm saying? yes this hurts...and it's hard...but your goal here is making her happy...and being a better man.

 

I dont want to burst your bubble...but NC isn't done in order to get someone back....tho it happens....it's more for you to be able to move on with your life.

[TWIS7ER]

Yes I think I'm doing a pretty good job so far and I'm not even happy because I'm doing it to prove to myself that I can remain strong. I'm happy I'm doing it to give her her space and individual time.

 

I know I need to change my motive for the NC thing, but its just been 1 day since the closure and I really havent got the full scope yet that we will never be together, I guess I'm still in the denial stage and don't want to believe it yet. But in time that will change.

 

Today her 2 oldest sons came up and I put songs on there MP3 players and they asked If I was going to come down tonight and asked why I haven't been around too much. I just told them that there mom didn't want me down there and that we ended it and that we ended it because I really messed up.

 

I don't know why she hadn't told them yet, Why wouldn't she tell them?

[GoingForIt_77]

Hey man, it may be over for good, but it may not. Right now I wouldn't advise you think about that too much. What may be happening is that it may be OVER for NOW, but not forever. Take this time to show her you are working on yourself and your own issues and give her the space SHE needs and the space you need too, because if she allowed you to come back in today, nothing would change and that's why you need this space, to make sure that type of stuff never happen again (at least the part you had to play in it).

[TWIS7ER]

Yeah I understand, and even if she started talking to me tomorrow, I wouldn't jump right back in like it was a relationship again, because that's not the answer. I would just have general conversation with her.

 

Right now the past is gone, what has went on is done and over with, It's RIGHT NOW that counts.

[doyathink]

She's probably looking for the right words to tell them. Careful how you words things with them....as not to lay blame on either of you...

 

As long as your doing the NC..who cares what motive...for now. The important thing is...your doing it. You are showing great strength...you da man..

[GoingForIt_77]

Listen man, even if she comes back tomorrow, I would insist that both of you guys need some separation to heal from this and grow a littlw bit and then take it from there when the time feels right for both of you.

 

As much as you want her back, you should first get yourself back before you start thinking about her and the "couple".

[TWIS7ER]

Well I have been at work all day long and it has been very hard for me-It seems like it just keeps hurting me more and as each day passes, I really feel that she does not want me or will ever want me. I just wish she would right and say Hello or something, I miss everything about her, It has almost been 2 complete days now. I just feel I can't get strong.

[doyathink]

Hey twis...

 

Here is something you can look over. This may help you....

 

 

[GoingForIt_77]

Man, you can get strong. Holding out now shows you have strength. I'm telling you not to worry about her not reaching out right now. She's dealing with her own pain in her own way and you need to not expect anything from her for quite sometime. You need to take care of You now and she needs to do the same for her.

 

When you get weak (which you're not) come on here and we'll talk. I'm goin through this too and it's not easy. Especially knowing my gf is on a chat line and a single one too only days after ending it with me. It stings like a @#$#, but I'm still giving her the space she asked for.

 

Meanwhile I am living my life and so should you. Stay strong. I'm going on day 6 of NC in only 2-3 hours.

[TWIS7ER]

Well I broke the NC thing today, But even though the information I got really hurts deep. I now know that I will never have another chance to get my ex back. Here is the way message I sent her and the response I got.

 

To, Name withheld:

 

I'm sorry that my off-lines are a thorn in your side. And I really hate to ask you this, but I have to know, I need to know exactly what it was that made your decision to never want to be with me again. Was it that I hurt you too many times and you never want hurt again? Or is it that you don't love me anymore? I know you don't have to give me the answers to this question. But I would like to know, so I can continue to work on myself. Please don't think this message is to just start talking to you, because I honestly think that you are a stronger person now that you don't have me weakening you. I have really been down in the dumps the last couple of days, but I continue to smile. I hope you understand that it's so hard to stay away from you and not talk to you.

I am happy because, I am giving you what you want and need. I just want you to know that I do respect you and that Yes I do still care about you deeply. I really wished I could have gave you this time along time ago so I wouldn't have kept damaging you more and more. If I would have put your needs first, during the other chances you gave me, I wouldn't be where I am now. But, I can't change what I have done in the past, I can only work on becoming better for the future, I don't know what the future holds for me nor do I think about the future. I have to live on a day to day basis.

 

If you don't want to answer my above question thats ok, I can respect that. Pleas continue to stay strong and keep your head up _____, I have told you all along that I admired your strength and strong mind. That is a true gift that you have. It's sad for me to say this but I am glad that I can't hurt you anymore. I don't hurt inside for my own pity, I hurt inside because of what I did to you and it took me alot to realize and see that. If you need anything or just wanna talk anytime I am here for you as a friend.

 

--

TWIS7ER

 

Her response:

 

well I got your offlines, and now same in email. I will remain to be very strong.. best of luck to you, bye I think it would be very hard to ever become friends..but I appreciate the invite. take care of yourself bye

 

My response to that:

 

I'm sorry that I emailed the same off-lines, I wasn't sure if you were still using that name, so I wanted to email them to you to make sure you got them, I also apologize for even bothering you. You take care too.

[TWIS7ER]

I know I shouldn't have broke the NC, but at least now I know It's completely over with and I can hurt more now instead of hurting down the road. I know she didn't have to respond at all, In fact I'm surprised she did, I guess it was just to let her reassure me that she is firm on her decision and that I will never get another chance.

 

I guess the only thing for me to do now is really accept that it's over forever and go on with my life and not have any hope of us being together again.

 

What hurts the most is to know that she can't stand me now and that it feels that she never did Love Me.

 

At least I proved to myself that even after hearing that we are over I'm staying strong and not sending hateful offlines and messages to her. And the good thing is I don't even have the thought in my head to do that. So I have improved alot.

 

I appreciate everyone that tried to help me.

[GoingForIt_77]

No, you should not have sent her that. You should have continued with NC. Remember what I told you about having patience and your ACTIONS would have spoken louder than your words ever could. Not having gotten anything from her in 2 days (yes, only 2 days), prompted you to pretty much close a door, before you ever took the time apart from her, that both of you needed.

 

I have been patient for over 11 days now, even knowing what I know (my ex having blocked me everywhere and created 2 new profiles).

 

I am STILL giving her space. You know, it's not only about THEM man. It's also about us. They are taking care of themselves right now and are doing what they have to do in order to heal.

 

You could have and probably should have given her space. Remember I suggested weeks man. You held out for 2 days and then couldn't stand it anymore and ended it and of course, you gave her NO chance to miss you, or regret things of her own.

 

Not much else I can say now man. You're a man who has to do what he has to do for himself and no one can change that but you.

 

Dan

[GoingForIt_77]

By the way, never now, doesn't mean never forever.

 

Didn't she once say she's always be with you. She changed her mind, didn't she? They could change back their mind as well, but you would have needed to make those improvements in yourself first and that would have taken time you weren't willing to invest.

[TWIS7ER]

Your right I contacted her because my own needs, I just wanted to know whether she dumped me because she didn't want hurt anymore or because She didn't love me. I guess I was trying to find out if she still loved me or not.

 

Well now I know she don't still love, thereforeeee I know not to get my hopes up thinking that she does still love me or ever want me again.

 

I mean all us dumpees sit around and wonder if the dumper still loves them, I just took it a step further to find out and I found out alright. I now know that I have to do the NC thing for myself and only myself. I now have no reason to contact her.

 

I must say I really was surprised that she replied to me. It would be nice if she contacted me, because she still cared about me. Although you can tell from the reply she gave me that it was just to let me know that it was definitely going to stay over. I know that I will never be in her life again. But I will stay strong learn from my mistakes and get on with my life no matter how much it hurts.

 

I emailed her this link to this post several days ago to show her that I did not speak bad of her and that I took full blame for our troubles. I really don't think she even clicked on the link though.

[TWIS7ER]

I would say that possibly she has went on with her life and has been talking to someone else, She might have been talking to this person for quite sometime before she even made the decision to get rid of me for good. That is the only thing I can think of that would make her be able to completely be over me and never want to even think of me as a friend, She might not want me to ever be a friend down the road because she don't want me to find out that what I was worried about and what I found about her 2 ex's on the computer was true. I don't know maybe I'm way off, That's just the only thing I can think of that would get her over me so quick.

 

Even if that is the case then all I can do is wish her the best, Nothing I can do about it. I am not mad or upset about it. Just don't know what to believe now, but one thing is for sure I will never ever question her about it or accuse her of it. Because if it is true I have no one else to blame but myself for pushing her in that direction.

[TWIS7ER]

I know now that I won't have to sit around hoping that she will contact me. Because now I know she won't!

[GoingForIt_77]

Hey man, my ex still loved me when she left me. That's not why she left and that's not why she is staying away for now.

 

Some men have patience and others want to know where they stand. The answer you got tonight was one that may have been forced out of her, through pressure. It may not have been the truth.

 

Either way, it's up to you and what you want to do from here on out man.

[TWIS7ER]

But it wasn't forced out of her, she didn't have to reply and say anything, she could have ignored it just like she ignored others in the past. I just don't know why she responded to this one.

 

At least she was nice about it and didn't seem upset that, I contacted her. I don't want to think that she replied as a positive thing because I don't want to set my heart up for hurt again.

 

Doesn't it sound like she is saying I'm out of her life forever? Is that how you viewed it. I mean she even turned down a friendship in the future.

 

I mean in our entire relationship she never cried or wore her heart on her sleeve, she held everything in. She would always say that she did alot of thinking when she laid her head down on her pillow. I always said I wanted to be cold hearted like her and she always said to trust her I didn't want to be like that.

 

Before I got her message back I still thought there was hope, Now that I got it I really want to believe there is, But there isn't!

 

I also am not wanting to be her friend to try to win her back, I just would like her to be a part of my life, because she is fun to be around.

[doyathink]

Why you ask did she respond this time? Because, she wants you to know it's over...and it's over without a possible friendship. She's spent! Now, whether she changes her mind down the road...who knows, but for her...it's over and done. She wants to put closure to the whole thing....so you wont write her anymore.

 

Now,....don't assume she left you for someone else. So many ppl do this so they can find a way to cope with the fact the the relationship is over..Maybe she never did love you in a sense that a person should when in a relationship. Maybe she was using you for some reason or another. Maybe she confused infatuation for love...who knows....

 

I've walked out of relationships without batting an eye and never looked back. Partly because my emotions for that person were spent, in my heart there was nothing left....the relationship had run it's course...and partly because I knew that the relationship never had the potential to get better.

 

Doesn't it sound like she is saying I'm out of her life forever? Is that how you viewed it. I mean she even turned down a friendship in the future.

 

Your trying to read between the lines here...dont do that. All this will do is set you up for more doubt...more torment....and more let downs to come. Take what she said at face value. Move on dude.

 

As far as the 'friendship' thing...this is what I think....

She knows your track record for being pushy. I wonder if she says she doesn't even want the friendship because she knows that the day will come that you will be harping to get back together.

 

Have you read superdave's thread that I sent you yet?

[TWIS7ER]

Well It's me again, Just want to let everyone know that I continue to read the message she sent me and using it to my advantage, It really does give me the total closure I need to really go on with MY OWN life now. Now that all the hopes are out of the picture, I had a pretty good night last night and a good day at work today, yes I had a few low moments, but I overcome them and thought about myself positively. I really really feel so much stronger now.

[Siriana]

I have only 2 questions and they're not easy:

 

1. have you stopped checking her accounts?

 

2. If you were her how would you act, honestly? Imagine being her and dealing with you from the beginning.

I am not asking to tell me: if I were her..., I would give me the chance... and similar stuff, but I want you to give me the realistic answer.

Can you do that?

[TWIS7ER]

I have only 2 questions and they're not easy:

 

1. have you stopped checking her accounts?

 

2. If you were her how would you act, honestly? Imagine being her and dealing with you from the beginning.

I am not asking to tell me: if I were her..., I would give me the chance... and similar stuff, but I want you to give me the realistic answer.

Can you do that?

 

Are these Questions for me?

 

1. I do not check her accounts.

 

2. I would be hurt, but I wouldn't be able to shut my love off. This is a difficult question. Because I'm not her.