Am I runining a good relationship?? Help!

[redneckmama]

I am new here and joined as I am desperate. I have talked out friends and therapy didn't answer my questions.

 

I have divorced twice. 1st ex was abusive and I finally left after 15 years. I rebounded w/my high school b/f. We married then divorced after 2 1/2 years. He was not abusive. Controlling at the end. He had too many issues, depression, drugs and after some couples counseling, made a plan and ended the relationship.

 

I started my current relationship right away (I know not smart). We were great friends and enjoyed so many of the same hobbies, music, etc. He is 15 years younger. You wouldn't know it to talk to him or to see us together. We made a great team. We have built a great new house and a great life together over the last 5 1/2 years and planning to get married(which is on hold). My kids (who are older teens) adore him. His family adores me and my kids.

 

In the beginning we were inseperatable. Then I began, as I had with the other two relationships, to distance myself from him. Physically and emotionally. This happened around the 3 yr mark. I am pretty sure the reason was that initially I was (again) doing everything to please him. I even stopped watching tv as he is not much of a tv watcher and would be annoyed if I was watching tv as he wanted to "hang out". He had problems w/my talking to other people on the phone, so I wouldn't. I also wouldn't make plans w/friends away from him or including him and he would act "grouchy". I put my foot down to all the above. We do better with most of it.

 

He stopped helping w/the rent and I was bearing the entire burden of the finances. Soon, he quit his job where he made a decent income and was out of work for quite a few months. I did not give him money during that time. He maxed out several credit cards. When he did get a job, he was so far in debt he could not help w/bills or rent. He even had his truck repossed. I paid to get it back, w/the understanding he would pay me back. That has been 3 yrs and he has not. He is working another job and makes a minimum to get by on. We now have a mortgage w/the house we built, which I am bearing the full responsiblity and is a strech, as well as grocerie's, a Home Eq loan, recentley financed washer/dryer and any items we need for the house.

 

I did lay the law down to him a few times for him to help w/the bills. He now in the last few months pays elec., phone, tv, and internet. About a 1/4 of the bills. I let him know several times that he needs to help more i.e. the mortgage. Which when we got together, we discussed bills would be shared and rent/mortgage split. He has not, and avoids the subject or says he doesn't have the income to help. He is so smart and can do better w/a career. He often will start to explore better positions but, gives up. This has been several times including recently.

 

I have built up such resentment that I prefer him not to be around. Usually, I am "cold" when he is. I feel like I am hurting him everyday. Although, I can not seem to let go and forget the issues and just be his lady. We do not fight, and I do not always talk to him about how I am feeling because I know his answers. I am seeing a pattern w/him allowing his family pay for things for him also. He also tells small lies that worry me to bigger ones that may come along.

 

I need to know if I am nitpicking this guy to death because I will never be happy with anyone or do I have real concerns and should end this before both of us are too far damaged. I am a stong woman who can make it on my own. I stand to loose the family we have made including his family I adore.

 

Thank you!!!!

[Daligal83]

Hey redneckmama! Welcome to ENA

 

I'm going to be blunt here. Your boyfriend is taking advantage of you. He probably knows he can do better too, but has no motivation. He is living off of you completely and this is not fair. Your title asks if you are ruining a good relationship...but from what you said, where is the good relationship? Besides loving his family, what does HE do that makes this a good relationship?

 

Also, you are enabling him. He doesn't feel like he has to do anything, because you're always there supporting him. He doesn't pay for the mortgage or the other bills, why is he living there? You aren't married. He's been shown that he can slack off and treat you like this, and while you might try to tell him it's not right, he doesn't have to actually do anything.

 

My advice is to tell him he has a certain amount of time to "shape up" basically or else he's out.

[redding500]

What is happenning here is that you are becoming "mommy." While you are looking for a strong running partner, this man is looking for someone to nurse his every need. Of course you don't feel like sleeping with him, because it feels incestuous - would a parent feel like sleeping with his or her child? NO. Your body is telling you that the relationship is out of balance, and you are very close to contempt for him, as the pattern keeps digging a deeper groove. You have become his "stash" and the reason he doesn't want you to have a life outside of your relationship with him, is because it threatens HIS stash. You are knee deep in co-dependency . . . I would suggest two things-getting space and attending Co-Dependents Anonymous, ASAP.

[redneckmama]

You guys are amazing!!!! I knew most of what your saying, in my gut. Ignoring my instincts seems to be a pattern w/me.

He is wonderful is lots of ways that I didn't share because I ran on too long. He truly loves me, makes me coffee, takes care of alot of chores, shares and enjoys landscaping w/me, and sometimes cleans the entire house. Ending this relationship would be a huge change in all our lives and I need to make 100% sure before I do. Thank you!!!!!!

[Daligal83]

If this is something you know you want to do, then I'm glad you got what you were looking for. Those are nice things he does for you...but they are not things that sustain a relationship.

 

Just one question, have you guys tried couples therapy? Is it worth it for you to try that before ending your relationship?

[redneckmama]

I started counseling over a year ago w/the premise that we would attend as a couple. He agreed it was a great idea. I especially wanted to have us get in touch before we got married. He then gave me excuses why he can't go. I gave him the therapists business card so he could call, make an appt for himself so he could meet w/her and not feel attacked when we went together. He never called. His excuses were he didn't have the money. When I offered to pay, he didn't have the time, or because I met her first, she prb has an idea about him that was not kind because I talked bad about him. I tried to assure him that wasn't the case but, I didn't put force into our going. Strongly suggested multiple times including again recently.

I am no longer in therapy, partly I felt I was making excuses for his not being there. I saw her once a week for about 6 months with wonderful results.

Thank you!!!!

[redding500]

I'm sure that there are good qualities about your boyfriend, but beware of staying hooked on potential. His refusal to attend therapy says fairly directly: "Do my growing for me." The gift in your six months of therapy was probably, if your therapist was worth a dime, that YOU ended up learning some things. Which didn't necessarily change his behavior, but did give you a place to start from. And now you're face to face with the realization that you aren't going to change him, and the only thing that can is HIS OWN WILLINGNESS. If you want to give him one last shot (which I have to say would be more than generous at this point) tell him that either he can find a counselor ASAP and attend for at least a year, on his own (because I sense that although part of you wanted therapy, you also mainly wanted it so he could shape up) or you will be gone. If he does anything less than sign on completely, walk away. If he does agree, make sure he both finds the therapist and sets the apt. up, and leaves you out of the loop entirely. You can't make someone grow, but you can assert what is no longer negotiable FOR YOU.

[redneckmama]

These posts have been extremely helpful! I made the decision yesterday that I would lay every thing out to him that eve. I waited until later in the eve and the house settled down. My body reacted to the stress with an excruciating headache and my neck locked up, anticipating our talk. We sat privately and I said everything I have been holding back. I let him know I will NOT be his mother and continue to care for him in that manner. With the finances, I gave him a time frame to buck up and if he didn't we would not continue this relationship. He received everything very well. We did not argue yell or blame. I let him know my coldness to him is out of being resentful and that he needed to "man up". Although, I did not promise that once he did that everything would be wine and roses because, I can not foresee that it would. But, if he didn't step up, that would surely end us. I also made sure he understood that the marriage plans are off until we can get it together.

I was very proud of myself that I didn't fall into the trap of believing his excuses and accepting them. The headache has not gone away, meaning I feel guilty being so hard on him but, I will continue forward. I hope that I can come to love him as I once did once he gets it together. Hopefully my resentment will let go.

Thank you guys for being so great!!!

[Daligal83]

Good for you!! I'm really proud of you. Make sure you stick to that time frame and that he makes lasting changes...not ones that will keep you and then he goes back to his old ways. Keep us updated!

 

Oh and don't feel guilty! You've done nothing wrong.

[redding500]

Maybe your neck is fired up because he's literally become a "pain in the neck?"

 

Good job, and now . . .

 

for you the REAL work begins- sticking to it.

 

Sending empowering energy your way . . .

[redneckmama]

Thank you for the empowering energy!!! I am sure I will need it. Sticking to it will be the tough part. I have imagined myself ending this if he does not follow through. In the event I would need to. Beliving the best of people and giving the benefit of the doubt seems to be a downfall of mine. To the extreme I have allowed.

Thank you for your wonderful help and stong words!!!

[CanadianGirl]

I am not trying to be a pessimist. but speaking from experience, the couch surfing guy who likes to be 'mommied' doesn't usually change, that is unless he wants to, and sounds like this guy doesn't want to give it an honest shot @ change....because it may mean actual WORK on his part.

 

I've been through a few of these relationships and the resentment actually grew to create more work than it's worth. If he doesn't shape up I should think you would ship him out.....you deserve better, and there are plenty of guys who will take advantage of you all the same, and somewhere in that mix there are guys who will love you without using you.

 

One quote that helped me is:

 

"Tis far better to LOSE a LOVER than to LOVE A LOSER."

[redneckmama]

You have made some great points!! This guy almost never sits on the couch however. He always pitches in and cleans the house, yard work etc. He does allot of house projects including building our house together. He is a workaholic in most aspects. However, not with his job as far as getting one that would have the income to support what would be his portion of our home finances. He starts exploring different careers then puts it aside. Meanwhile, the bills need to be paid.

 

We will see shortly if he took to heart what I said to him. I am so thankful for your words. They will keep me strong!!!

[redding500]

You are most welcome. A note about "home helpers": while it's nice that he's handy, and pitches in for chores, it's not where you need him to help you the most . . . rather, it's where he feels safe. So it's not entirely selfless on his part, as it sounds like a coping device, a way to hide. The gesture says "look over here, I may not be helping you in the way you most need me to, but the dishwasher is fixed." Consider how your peace of mind would be affected if he were to buck up and get a real job (even if the sink faucet dripped for an extra week or two or a few tiles weren't replaced in a timely fashion) - get my drift? It's stressful to go out into the world, as you know . . . thus the resentment. He can't make you his job.

[Rabican]

If it is an issue with you, then you just need to tell him flat out he HAS to start helping more. Either find another job, work nights while you are asleep. Get a better job etc.

[redneckmama]

redding500, you have put in words what has been in my head!! That's amazing. You are very right. I never thought that's where "he feels safe". Very true. He would often be upset I didn't help w/projects like before but, I gave up as I paid the bills, let him do the manual work. Passive aggressive had an extra room in my house.

 

I have flat out said "we will not continue this relationship if you do not man-up and follow through obtaining a better paying job, or working eve or weekends doing sidework". I further would not allow a 6 mo time frame. He has a couple stong feelers for a career he has been wanting which comes w/paid training. The 6 mo is training on his own and he had thought from there he would begin to apply. I let him know I was unwilling to accept that time frame.

 

Doing this has eased my mind and resentment. Having it out of my head and him understanding what I need. It is up to him now. Next weekend may show sooner than later a result. I will keep you guys update.

 

I really appreciate the strong if not harsh(in a good way ;=) words as they keep me working hard to hold to my convictions. Thank you!!!!!

[redneckmama]

Hi there,

I am writing to update you guys of where we are at. We have had lots going on in the last few weeks. After our talk of him needing to man-up, he has made efforts. I did tell him during that talk that I wasnt sure that his helping more would fix our relationship entirely. I was honest and let him know that either way, he had to try. I believe that too much has gone on and I am done with this relationship. We had a couple more talks and I let him know in the last one that we may need to separate. Of course, he cried, and I let him stay. I hate to hurt someone the way I am hurting him. I just don't feel for him as I should. I do not feel the "Love" that he does. I told him I need space and for him to reach out to his friends etc more. Let me miss him a little. Well, he hasn't, he keeps doing what he can to be closer to me. I did express stongly the needed distance.

My mind now is that I want to be single. I just can't make that break. His life would crumble. He would be out of a place to live. He has family as a backup but, he would feel like a failure.

 

I am so confused. On the one hand I want this over with. The other is what if this is The Guy and I throw him away and devastate him in the process.

Help!!

[Rabican]

why dont you tell him what you want from him, and see if that helps things. IF he can accommodate you, and is willing to work on the relationship see if you can get back to 'loving him'. If that doesnt work, and you still want out then you just have to end it regardless of what he is going to do.

[redneckmama]

I have multiple times over the last two years. Recently I have been more explicit. Now I have gotten the opposite of what I have asked for. Although he's trying w/some aspects, it seems like before where it's for a short time, until things settle down. Then back to where we were.

I have pretty well made my decision to end this. Just need to stay strong and do it. I feel selfish and don't want to be hurtful. But, we are both being hurt in the interm.

[redneckmama]

Hey there!!!

Well....I have stayed strong and made the decision to end this relationship. As of last Sat. he moved out. This has been excruciating but exhilarating. I miss him so much at times I sit and cry. Other times I am so grateful for this new twist in life I dance like a fool. I am redecorating the house w/more of my style than his and it's wonderful. I didn't realize how much of myself was lost.

Now somehow I have to keep a straight head w/dating. Make sure I do not repeat the same mistakes.

 

Thank you everyone!!!!

[ghost69]

awesome. keep dancin'.