redneckmama

Hey there!!! Well....I have stayed strong and made the decision to end this relationship. As of last Sat. he moved out. This has been excruciating but exhilarating. I miss him so much at times I sit and cry. Other times I am so grateful for this new twist in life I dance like a fool. I am redecorating the house w/more of my style than his and it's wonderful. I didn't realize how much of myself was lost. Now somehow I have to keep a straight head w/dating. Make sure I do not repeat the same mistakes. Thank you everyone!!!!

I have multiple times over the last two years. Recently I have been more explicit. Now I have gotten the opposite of what I have asked for. Although he's trying w/some aspects, it seems like before where it's for a short time, until things settle down. Then back to where we were. I have pretty well made my decision to end this. Just need to stay strong and do it. I feel selfish and don't want to be hurtful. But, we are both being hurt in the interm.

Hi there, I am writing to update you guys of where we are at. We have had lots going on in the last few weeks. After our talk of him needing to man-up, he has made efforts. I did tell him during that talk that I wasnt sure that his helping more would fix our relationship entirely. I was honest and let him know that either way, he had to try. I believe that too much has gone on and I am done with this relationship. We had a couple more talks and I let him know in the last one that we may need to separate. Of course, he cried, and I let him stay. I hate to hurt someone the way I am hurting him. I just don't feel for him as I should. I do not feel the "Love" that he does. I told him I need space and for him to reach out to his friends etc more. Let me miss him a little. Well, he hasn't, he keeps doing what he can to be closer to me. I did express stongly the needed distance. My mind now is that I want to be single. I just can't make that break. His life would crumble. He would be out of a place to live. He has family as a backup but, he would feel like a failure. I am so confused. On the one hand I want this over with. The other is what if this is The Guy and I throw him away and devastate him in the process. Help!!

Hope has feelings w/this issue that are justified. Mostly though, her guy can not be completley comfortable being himself when she is not with him. He may not act on full discrections but, coming close is hard for us girls left at home. With my ex, 15yr relationship, he would attend the biker functions quite a bit without me. I was biker right along with him. However, he did not want me "tagging" along. It was guys time. But, the wives or girlfriends would often go leaving me at home. He probably did not cheat in the full physical sense but would act in a manner he wouldnt ordinaraly with me there. It is still disrespectful especially that he did not want to share this part of his life. He would say women who are there, like in bars, are looking for one thing and I was not allowed. So why should he be allowed. Do not hold back your feelings. Trust your gut. If he will not share this part of his life and your willing to, you may need to re think being with him. Good luck!!

redding500, you have put in words what has been in my head!! That's amazing. You are very right. I never thought that's where "he feels safe". Very true. He would often be upset I didn't help w/projects like before but, I gave up as I paid the bills, let him do the manual work. Passive aggressive had an extra room in my house. I have flat out said "we will not continue this relationship if you do not man-up and follow through obtaining a better paying job, or working eve or weekends doing sidework". I further would not allow a 6 mo time frame. He has a couple stong feelers for a career he has been wanting which comes w/paid training. The 6 mo is training on his own and he had thought from there he would begin to apply. I let him know I was unwilling to accept that time frame. Doing this has eased my mind and resentment. Having it out of my head and him understanding what I need. It is up to him now. Next weekend may show sooner than later a result. I will keep you guys update. I really appreciate the strong if not harsh(in a good way ;=) words as they keep me working hard to hold to my convictions. Thank you!!!!!

You have made some great points!! This guy almost never sits on the couch however. He always pitches in and cleans the house, yard work etc. He does allot of house projects including building our house together. He is a workaholic in most aspects. However, not with his job as far as getting one that would have the income to support what would be his portion of our home finances. He starts exploring different careers then puts it aside. Meanwhile, the bills need to be paid. We will see shortly if he took to heart what I said to him. I am so thankful for your words. They will keep me strong!!!

Thank you for the empowering energy!!! I am sure I will need it. Sticking to it will be the tough part. I have imagined myself ending this if he does not follow through. In the event I would need to. Beliving the best of people and giving the benefit of the doubt seems to be a downfall of mine. To the extreme I have allowed. Thank you for your wonderful help and stong words!!!

These posts have been extremely helpful! I made the decision yesterday that I would lay every thing out to him that eve. I waited until later in the eve and the house settled down. My body reacted to the stress with an excruciating headache and my neck locked up, anticipating our talk. We sat privately and I said everything I have been holding back. I let him know I will NOT be his mother and continue to care for him in that manner. With the finances, I gave him a time frame to buck up and if he didn't we would not continue this relationship. He received everything very well. We did not argue yell or blame. I let him know my coldness to him is out of being resentful and that he needed to "man up". Although, I did not promise that once he did that everything would be wine and roses because, I can not foresee that it would. But, if he didn't step up, that would surely end us. I also made sure he understood that the marriage plans are off until we can get it together. I was very proud of myself that I didn't fall into the trap of believing his excuses and accepting them. The headache has not gone away, meaning I feel guilty being so hard on him but, I will continue forward. I hope that I can come to love him as I once did once he gets it together. Hopefully my resentment will let go. Thank you guys for being so great!!!

I started counseling over a year ago w/the premise that we would attend as a couple. He agreed it was a great idea. I especially wanted to have us get in touch before we got married. He then gave me excuses why he can't go. I gave him the therapists business card so he could call, make an appt for himself so he could meet w/her and not feel attacked when we went together. He never called. His excuses were he didn't have the money. When I offered to pay, he didn't have the time, or because I met her first, she prb has an idea about him that was not kind because I talked bad about him. I tried to assure him that wasn't the case but, I didn't put force into our going. Strongly suggested multiple times including again recently. I am no longer in therapy, partly I felt I was making excuses for his not being there. I saw her once a week for about 6 months with wonderful results. Thank you!!!!

You guys are amazing!!!! I knew most of what your saying, in my gut. Ignoring my instincts seems to be a pattern w/me. He is wonderful is lots of ways that I didn't share because I ran on too long. He truly loves me, makes me coffee, takes care of alot of chores, shares and enjoys landscaping w/me, and sometimes cleans the entire house. Ending this relationship would be a huge change in all our lives and I need to make 100% sure before I do. Thank you!!!!!!

I am new here and joined as I am desperate. I have talked out friends and therapy didn't answer my questions. I have divorced twice. 1st ex was abusive and I finally left after 15 years. I rebounded w/my high school b/f. We married then divorced after 2 1/2 years. He was not abusive. Controlling at the end. He had too many issues, depression, drugs and after some couples counseling, made a plan and ended the relationship. I started my current relationship right away (I know not smart). We were great friends and enjoyed so many of the same hobbies, music, etc. He is 15 years younger. You wouldn't know it to talk to him or to see us together. We made a great team. We have built a great new house and a great life together over the last 5 1/2 years and planning to get married(which is on hold). My kids (who are older teens) adore him. His family adores me and my kids. In the beginning we were inseperatable. Then I began, as I had with the other two relationships, to distance myself from him. Physically and emotionally. This happened around the 3 yr mark. I am pretty sure the reason was that initially I was (again) doing everything to please him. I even stopped watching tv as he is not much of a tv watcher and would be annoyed if I was watching tv as he wanted to "hang out". He had problems w/my talking to other people on the phone, so I wouldn't. I also wouldn't make plans w/friends away from him or including him and he would act "grouchy". I put my foot down to all the above. We do better with most of it. He stopped helping w/the rent and I was bearing the entire burden of the finances. Soon, he quit his job where he made a decent income and was out of work for quite a few months. I did not give him money during that time. He maxed out several credit cards. When he did get a job, he was so far in debt he could not help w/bills or rent. He even had his truck repossed. I paid to get it back, w/the understanding he would pay me back. That has been 3 yrs and he has not. He is working another job and makes a minimum to get by on. We now have a mortgage w/the house we built, which I am bearing the full responsiblity and is a strech, as well as grocerie's, a Home Eq loan, recentley financed washer/dryer and any items we need for the house. I did lay the law down to him a few times for him to help w/the bills. He now in the last few months pays elec., phone, tv, and internet. About a 1/4 of the bills. I let him know several times that he needs to help more i.e. the mortgage. Which when we got together, we discussed bills would be shared and rent/mortgage split. He has not, and avoids the subject or says he doesn't have the income to help. He is so smart and can do better w/a career. He often will start to explore better positions but, gives up. This has been several times including recently. I have built up such resentment that I prefer him not to be around. Usually, I am "cold" when he is. I feel like I am hurting him everyday. Although, I can not seem to let go and forget the issues and just be his lady. We do not fight, and I do not always talk to him about how I am feeling because I know his answers. I am seeing a pattern w/him allowing his family pay for things for him also. He also tells small lies that worry me to bigger ones that may come along. I need to know if I am nitpicking this guy to death because I will never be happy with anyone or do I have real concerns and should end this before both of us are too far damaged. I am a stong woman who can make it on my own. I stand to loose the family we have made including his family I adore. Thank you!!!!