Girlfriend used to self-harm

[abcd1234]

Hi everybody,

 

I found out a few weeks back that about 18 months ago my girlfriend (of about 3 1/2 months) used to self harm. She is very conscious of the scars that she has on her arms and legs, making sex a little uncomfortable for her, but i have assured her that i dont and will not look at the scars if she doesnt want me to. I have noticed the scars and she always tries to hide them with clothes, her hands or bed covers.

 

......The thing is that since she told me i have been feeling a bit depressed. I sleep a lot and cant eat much, i dont even feel like studying. I also feel like i cant talk to anyone about this because it is such a personal thing to her, this just makes me fel even more desperate.

 

She said she used to do it due to pressure at school and home. When she told me, i was obviously shocked but i thought i would be fine with it. But a few days later i became really desperately sad about it, i almost felt panic-stricken when i thought about it. I had to force myself to calm down before i had some sort of panic attack.

 

It made me sad to think how someone so beautiful, intelligent, funny, happy and loving could have been reduced to harming herself because of the pressure placed upon her by others. It also made me angry to think that these people probably dont know what they did, and that she is the one left with the scars (both physical and emotional) whilst they get off relatively free.

 

I told her at the time that she never has to go through that again (im glad that she hasnt done it for 18 months so im guessing she is past that now). I told her i will protect her and help her should she feel that pressure again.

 

I dont know what to to, im not sure if i should tell her that it has bothered me so much, or just leave it be becuase i dont know what good it will do to bring it up again. I feel like i want to get in a time machine and go back 18 months and stop all those people that caused her to do that to herself. I want her to be able to enjoy our sex life even more by not being so conscious of the scars. I want to know 100% that she will never do that again. And i want to know that i cant never cause her pressure like that, due to sex or our lives in general.

 

But i cant do or know all those things...

 

Any advice or guidance on how i can get past this and make myself feel better will me appreciated ever so much. Thanks, abc.

[Agathon]

I have school, so I can't properly reply, but heres what I have.

 

I'm in the SAME boat as you... or a used to be.

 

My GF did the same thing for the same reasons, and I had the same reactions.

 

To jump to the chase: I dealt with it, and it's in the past.

 

Eventually after talking about it, and eventually over time it became less of a problem. I accepted the fact that she's sorry for it and she admits she was weak, and who the hell am I to judge?

 

So, now I'm ok with it, and so is she.

 

Yes I do however worry sometimes that later in life she may revert. Shes said once in awhile she still thinks about it.

 

I don't think it's possible for myself to fully understand... but I can try.

 

MY ADVICE: Try and work through it, even try and not think about it. Mostly, try to have faith in her.. and be there for her.

 

Sorry, gtg. Hope that helps.

[abcd1234]

Thanks mate, im happy you were able to move on, its shown me that it is obviously possible. I find that each day it gets a bit easier. But its still a huge shock, i find it very overwhelming. Everytime i think about it the bottom falls out of my stomach and i feel cold all over.

 

Is this something to which a person can relapse? I think that the strength required to overcome such a..... i dont know what to call it, condition?.... would mean that a person is strong enough and in control enough not to.

 

For some reason, i feel under more pressure now, i feel under pressure to not put any pressure on her. Im glad she talked to me about it, i am positive that i would rather know than not know. Im scared now though...

 

Im afraid that she will think she has made a huge mistake by telling me this, even though i know that the simple act of her telling me shows a lot about her feelings for me. It shows she trusts me and is comfortable with talking to me without fear of judgement or repercussion.

 

Im also worried that this will put up a barrier in our sex life, i have asked her repeatedly if she is still comfortable with everything and she insists she is and that she always really really wants to. When she told me about it she said that originally she didnt think it would be a problem but that she had started worrying about recently since weve started getting more intimate. The fact that she was so open about it shows me that she is trying to get passed it and not wanting it to be a problem. I have reassured her that there is no pressure and that i will NEVER judge her.

 

Ive pretty much just answered my two worries but it would be nice to get some more feedback and reassurance from people. Im sure there are others out there who have experienced this, would anyone else feel like sharing how they coped?

 

I just want to get past it and be positive about the world and the people in it again.

[Axel3sRoxas]

Sometimes, it is possible for a relapse, but note that the most likely times for this to happen are in the weeks/months after giving up. She won't be at a vulnerable stage now and can most likely deal with problems without reaching for any implement that would aid her in self harm.

I used to self harm when I was 16. To this day I still get emotional about it, and wish I didn't 'ruin' my arm with scars. Someone looking at them, or touching them can tend to bring on flashbacks. I've been with my boyfriend for three years, and although I'm not awarely self conscious of them, I do wonder if he hates them, though he tells me they're part of me and have only made me more beautiful, in heart and soul.

Please breach this subject carefully with your girlfriend; when she feels ready, she won't hide her body from you and will open up more to your touch. Cutting leaves alot of emotional baggage behind, and often when hysterical with sadness, feelings of needing to self harm can sometimes occur, but she'll be strong enough not to give in.

It's understandable that you feel depressed. You've just learned that a girl you adore very much has felt so down and lost in the past that she has been forced to do this. Don't think about it too much; when shes hides from you, be sure to just take her hand and let her know that shes beautiful. Time is of the essense here.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi there,

 

That's a really tough situation to be in. I don't know what the best thing to do is (not much help, sorry). Self-harm comes up in this volunteer work that I do, and I try to be calm and practical about it, and refer people on. You know, to acknowledge openly that this is happening, without being judgemental.

 

There is this advice on a website that I was looking at (cut and pasted, hope that's okay):

 

"It's difficult to know what to do and say when someone close to you is self harming, it may be that they won't let you help at all or aren't ready to stop.

 

Do

• Educate yourself about self harm read books and resources;
  
• Self harmers are not attention seekers; they hurt themselves because they are in distress. If they want to talk about it focus on the underlying issue, not the symptoms (i.e. not the cutting);
  
• Accept how you feel about self harm, you may need help dealing with the situation, try support groups, helplines or counselling;
  
• Show you can separate the person from the self harm and that you love that person.
  
• Show them that it is safe to talk openly about their problems to you, but dont push them if they do not want to.
  
• Try and help them to work out what their triggers to self harm are and how they can find distractions instead when they feel vulnerable;
  
• Help to find other sources of support help groups, counselling, newsletters, forums and websites;
  
• Get them to keep a diary where they can write down how they are feeling and make notes of when, how and why they self harm;
  
• Allow them space, privacy and trust.
  

 

Don't

• Ignore your friend; treat them as you would usually. Be supportive, patient, respectful and understanding.
  
• Shout at them, freak out, threaten them with ultimatums, judge, condemn or stereotype all these things are hurtful and will not help.
  
• Take it personally they arent trying to make you feel bad/guilty;
  
• Try and get them to stop self harming immediately, it will be difficult and they may not be ready to stop. It is a survival mechanism, so instead of taking it away suddenly, it should slowly be reduced by setting smaller goals at their own pace in their own time.
  
• Panic if it appears that your friend self harms more while they are trying to deal with their problems, it is a scary time for them but they can get through it.
  

[Dako]

I have a question to interject.

 

Is cutting always a result of external pressures, or like depression, can it be a surge in negative emotions from internal conditions?

 

Just wondering.

[Newo Ikkin]

^ I strongly believe the desire to self harm can develop from literally anything. Even overwhelming positive emotion that you're just not too sure how to deal with, or whether you deserve it.

[Newo Ikkin]

OP: Without patronising, or repeating what anybody else has said, I believe that you yourself need to learn the ins and outs of self-infliction. In this case, to help is to truly understand. Honey Pumpkin has given you some great tips - particularly about not taking it personally. If you say dont and she does, she's not doing it to spite you. In that way you can compare it to Tourettes syndrome: a lot of the time it is involuntary, even if you know it's gonna hurt someone along the way.

 

Good luck. x

[Dako]

Thanks, Newo

 

I suspected it was sometimes spurred by hidden urges.

If so, taking it personally would be counter productive.

 

People often wonder why an outwardly happy and successful person

has demons. Sometimes they just do.

[Newo Ikkin]

Thanks, Newo

 

I suspected it was sometimes spurred by hidden urges.

If so, taking it personally would be counter productive.

 

People often wonder why an outwardly happy and successful person

has demons. Sometimes they just do.

 

Hope you didn't find me answering your question patronising (wow, I have a real paranoia about being patronising at the moment...)

 

I dont quite understand the second sentence...maybe its me being plain dumb.

 

As for the rest..I very much agree. Masks make the demons hard to detect. From experience.

[Dako]

I guess it was vague.

If a gf is self-harming after promising they'll stop,

blaming them for breaking the promise just adds to their stress.

Not only might they feel bad for cutting, but for letting you down.

 

Maybe I'm wrong.

 

You, patronising?

Not in my view!

[Roasted Carrots]

abcd1234, I was in the same boat as your girlfriend. Honey Pumpkin pretty much hit the nail on the head, but I'll add what I can.

 

Probably the best thing you can do is listen and accept her as she is. It's really tough being the stronger person that she leans on...especially when she calls you in tears at 3:00 in the morning because everything is driving her crazy and she's already cut herself, or feels like she's about to. Never invalidate her feelings. Nothing is worse than being truly upset about something, upset enough to cut yourself over it, and have someone tell you "that's stupid" or "that's trivial". I doubt you'd ever do that, becuase it's obvious from you post that you care about her, but it's just a thought I'm putting out there.

 

It sounds like your girlfriend, for the most part, is "past" or at least recovering from what made her cut in the first place. What worries me is YOU. It's normal to react strongly when someone you loves confides something like that...it's basically the same way my boyfriend(s) acted when I told them about my self harm. But you say yourself that you're depressed, and having (or almost having) panic attacks - these worry me. I don't know if you can quite confide these things to your girlfriend, seeing as how she's fragile already, but is there someone else you could talk to, or even a doctor to see if you need further help?

 

I'm interested to see what other posters have to say about your side of the self harm.

 

Hope my tidbit helps. For what it's worth, it's obvious you care about and love your girlfriend - your compassion is clear from you post. It seems like you're on the right track already, and all you need is patience and time and she will grow more comfortable with you and her scars. Trust yourself, and keep us posted.

 

Good luck.

[Newo Ikkin]

If a gf is self-harming after promising they'll stop,

blaming them for breaking the promise just adds to their stress.

Not only might they feel bad for cutting, but for letting you down.

 

Got it in one.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Well although its good to be open with her and everything i know what its like to try and hide scars from a partner. Its not fun and you feel so ashamed, well at least i did. Don't always try and talk about them don't always bring it up. If they are scars its from the past. Listen to her when she talks to you and just tell her how much you love her. I bet she would feel so bad to think that you are so scared for her and worry so much. I agree with someone else who posted (sorry forgot who) but if she tries to hide them just touch her hand or something let her know that you don't care.

 

Yes its true she can relapse but try not to worry to much about that... Shes doing really well 18 months is a great start Just encourage her. She'll love you for it.

 

Shes lucky she has someone so understanding. Its good to see you care

[abcd1234]

It's really tough being the stronger person that she leans on...Never invalidate her feelings. Nothing is worse than being truly upset about something, upset enough to cut yourself over it, and have someone tell you "that's stupid" or "that's trivial". I doubt you'd ever do that, becuase it's obvious from you post that you care about her

I have learned very quickly that it is tough, HOWEVER, i am willing to suffer for her because i cant really see another choice, telling her that it bothers me so much would only upset her and make her feel guilty. I have ways of coping with sadness or fear, ive always had an ability to pull through even when i cant see a way out.

 

What worries me is YOU. It's normal to react strongly when someone you loves confides something like that...it's basically the same way my boyfriend(s) acted when I told them about my self harm. But you say yourself that you're depressed, and having (or almost having) panic attacks - these worry me. I don't know if you can quite confide these things to your girlfriend, seeing as how she's fragile already, but is there someone else you could talk to, or even a doctor to see if you need further help?

If it comes to that, i have friends who i can confide in and trust. I go through moments of sadness where the anxious feeling in my stomach just wont let up, but then there are times of the day when i experience relief from it. I just have to learn what triggers the periods of relief and expose myself to more of them.

 

I believe that you yourself need to learn the ins and outs of self-infliction. In this case, to help is to truly understand. Honey Pumpkin has given you some great tips - particularly about not taking it personally. If you say dont and she does, she's not doing it to spite you. In that way you can compare it to Tourettes syndrome: a lot of the time it is involuntary, even if you know it's gonna hurt someone along the way.

I have been researching it on the internet, i understand that it can bring relief to a person who is experiencing overwhelming feelings and does not know how to cope with them. I understand what that can feel like and it is a very desperate and scary place to be in. Different people deal in different ways, i have encountered the coping mechanisms of my friends, which vary from: working out to the point of physical exhaustion, running to the point of collapse, crying their eyes out, punching walls, bottling it up inside, shouting, running away from the problem, panic-attacks, depression. I think that this is just another, albeit different and frightening, way of dealing with problems and stressors.

 

 

Shes told me that the last few weeks have been quite stressful for her, one of her friends at work who knows about her past has been worried about her becuase she has been quite quiet and not her usual, bubbly self. Im pretty sure that that is down to the stress of confiding in me, that is why i am going to do my best to make sure that she is comfortable and that she knows i care about her no matter what. Ive been reassuring her and im going to take her out at the weekend and we can do something fun to take her mind of it and give us chance to be together and show that there is nothing to be afraid of.

 

I, on the other hand, am still suffering. Its getting easier but i cant seem to take my mind off it at all. Even when i am concentrating on something with all my might, it is still there in the back of my mind. I think that seeing her att he weekend will put my fears at rest and then i can move past this and start feeling mopre positive energy again. In the mean time i am going to try to study and relax and exercise to take my mind off it.

 

What does everyone think? Are my views on this overly and unnecessarily negative? Im interested to hear what anyone else has to say. Thanks

[Newo Ikkin]

What does everyone think? Are my views on this overly and unnecessarily negative? Im interested to hear what anyone else has to say. Thanks

 

NO. You are brave and you are caring. And you are HUMAN.

[Trust379]

There are a few things here that should be very reassuring to you: One, she told you. If she wanted to be able to hide it from you, she wouldn't have told you that she used to self-harm. Two, she hasn't self-harmed for 18 months. That's a very long time to go without, and probably means she won't go back. I know that it's hard to stop thinking about it, but at least try to reassure yourself. She's not hiding it from you, and she hasn't done it for a long time.

 

The best way for her to become less self-conscious is for you to ignore them completely. Don't avoid or pay any special attention to them. If you're touching her arm and you run accross a scar, keep going. It might take a little while, but if you don't notice them, she'll forget about them, too.

 

Okay, now this is the hard part. You cannot protect her. You cannot be a buffer between her and the pressure she feels in any area of her life. You can help, but you can't be her only resource if she needs help not self-harming. Don't take on that responsibility. I'm having a hard time wording this, but basically, you can't be the only one she leans on, or expect to be able to fix everything for her. She has to deal with the world around her. The more responsibility you take on, the more strain it will put on you, and the more strain on you, the less you can help her. I hope that makes sense. Also, in the event that she ever would self-harm, even if it's just one time, you can't think of it as a failure on your part, or hers. Roasted Carrots touched on this. You seem to be taking this really hard. You need to talk to someone about it. My suggestion would be to talk to someone else first, and then, if you feel it's something you want to talk about with her, talk to her about it. She may be able to reassure you on topics like starting again, and you could probably state that (assuming it's true) you'd want her to tell you if she felt like it, or already had, so that the two of you could work through it. Just make sure that more than the two of you are in on this, because the more people around to lean on, the easier it will be to find support whenever you need it, and for whatever reason.

 

I don't think that you've been overly negative, or excessively worried. I do think that you need to talk about this to someone who can talk you through it. (Excuse my redundancy, it's getting late for me.) Whether it's a counselor at school, a trusted friend, or people on here.