VERY Confused

[martial]

Well My ex and I broke up after 7 years 3 days before xmas....She said she is not happy with who she is and she needs to find herself again and she cannot be in a relationship and do that. I did all the No nos begging, pleasing, trying to win her over, calling her relentlessly. Last wed she took a 5day "Persoanl Best" seminar. and I completely left her alone. Today she texted me and said Hi, just wanted to say thank you for the space and she wasnt sure if she was ready to talk about the things she learned about herslef in the course.But she needs to process it and than she will talk to me. We talked later on and she seemed so happy and she said that this is the right decision for now and that she has not written the possibility of us off. If it was meant to be it will be. She is firm that she cannot have a relationship right now but is adamit about us remaing close friends. She does not wanna lose touch and even suggested coffee sometime soon. I do love her so much and she says she still loves me but for now and the foreseeable future we cannot be in a relationshp as she needs to love herself. She said we need to disconnect for us to reconnect and IF we do it will be so much better?

 

Do I Start the NC again or stay her friend and see where it takes things?

 

Please advise?

[BlueDude]

Wow that's a tough one.

In life we all change...

My personal opinion, is to stay close friends and keep in touch with her. Just see where things go, it's like she says, if its meant to be, it's meant to be, and it will happen.

She said she needs to discover herself and can't have a relationship now, and you should respect that. So just see where time takes you.

 

But at the same time you can't wait forever.

 

Hope I've helped out atleast a little bit, let us know how things turn out.

[rnorth]

My opinion? If you really want her and you can handle it, give her what you want but make certain that you are taking care of yourself first. Maybe this is an opportunity for you to try something new to improve yourself?

 

She isn't going away.... Take this as an opportunity. Improve thyself, young man!

[friscodj]

Hey bro-

 

I just went to link removed and looked up the definition of "selfish". This is what I found:

 

link removed Unabridged (v 1.1) - Cite This Source

self·ish /ˈsɛlfɪʃ/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[sel-fish] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation

–adjective

1. devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

2. characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives.

3. This woman martial is talking about.

 

The question is, how long are you going to compromise, sacrifice, and submit yourself to a foreseeable future like this by existing (not living) in the backpocket of someone who is capable of using you like this?

 

I've been in a similar situation (maybe 1.5 years, not 7 though) and it took for me to reach a personal "breaking point" with it to find my liberation. I've done what you've described and heard very similar words and thought, or maybe mistook, my definition of love and belief in such love connected to dedication to someone who took advantage of this conviction with what true love is about.

 

Because that's what I see here. Who says she can't be in a relationship and work on herself? She could be with you. The choice of the use of the word "can't" is a misstatement. She could be with you but she has chosen by her free-will to leave you and then ice it with the "not going to get together in the foreseeable future" remark.

 

Or at least she could say, "Hey martial, I need time to myself right now, and I can certainly understand this decision is hard on you. If you want to walk away from this, I understand. I don't see us getting together in the foreseeable future. It isn't fair for this situation to take over your life and is selfish for me to want you to stick around. I'm sorry, goodbye."

 

So you see what happens if you stay in this holding pattern circling around hell? You end up bitter and jaded like me buddy!

 

Seriously, given the length of time you've been together and the power of your post, I don't think any words from anyone else will bring to you the necessarily deep conviction to break yourself free here. I think you have to reach your own breaking point with this and get there on your own. Perhaps, though, maybe what someone here says makes that breaking point an inch or two closer.

 

Good luck my friend, and just remember you'll be fine no matter what happens. This is your life, not hers, and you only have one. Who's going to own the rights to it? You or her?

[heloladies21]

The friends route or staying in any kind of contact until she makes up her mind has been proven 100% ineffective in winning back your ex. Search all the posts on here and you won't find one where it leads back into a successful long term relationship.

 

Either she wants to be in a relationship with you right now or you move on. That's the best way to handle it.

[martial]

but what if i do wnat to stay friends with her regardless of the outcome....I do not want her out of my life and we are on very good terms. Although yes ultimately i do want her back "with" me if that does not happen she is my best friend of 7 years and i do not want to lose that.....?

[lifestream]

I believe two people can be friends after a breakup. Definitely not to the same degree as before, but it is possible. It's relative to the relationship and the perspective the other party has/had on the relationship.

[heloladies21]

As my good man frisco has said above, you are in a place right now where none of our words can guide you in the right direction.

 

The next step is letting her go and moving on. This is probably the hardest thing you're ever gonna have to do. Any attempt at a friendship is going to be a sham method of trying to win her back. Hey, I'm all for doing whatever works, but the simple fact is that this doesn't work. All it does is lead to a lot of false hope, emotional rollercoaster, preventing you from moving on and finding someone else, wasted time, and worse broken heart in the end.

 

I know there's probably nothing you can do to stop yourself, but as long as you know what's coming.

[martial]

does being friends EVER lead to a reconciliation??

[martial]

if i decide not to be friends do i just cut off all contact or do i slowly just let it become unimportant...

[friscodj]

if i decide not to be friends do i just cut off all contact or do i slowly just let it become unimportant...

 

The simple answer, relatively speaking, in my experience, is to take charge of your life by cutting things clean and finally.

 

But my conviction to do such and that to tell you came from my experience with this. In situations like this, I think that experience is necessary. Otherwise, you do it, you do what someone else advises you, and even though it makes sense logically to you, you don't really believe in or understand it. That belief is key when grief sinks its teeth and talons into your tender heart and really puts you to the test like this. Then the probability to go back to her, hurt all over again, maybe even get back together, wash, rinse, and repeat, is higher.

 

So here, I will tell you to cut it clean and disappear, but I think you need to be squished in the backpocket a while to really and truly gain the gift of discovery of wisdom from this and never, ever in a million years do this to yourself again. With that will come more confidence in your relationships I think.

 

Plus if I were in this position a few years ago, I'd tell everyone else to go to hell, believing my situation was different and would work out because it was me. Basically, I think you should live and learn, really learn, from this. There is just no substitute for real experience in many situations and this is one of them given number and depth of your questions here.

 

As far as the issue of friendship, true friendship, without ulterior motivates or weirdness, I've both become friends with women after break up, after the feelings have faded, and I have never spoken to them again. That is out of your hands and when you start desiring to control such an outcome, it tells me there are still some feelings and associated desires still lingering.

 

I can't tell you why we did or didn't reconnect; there's a very large X factor there I think. I've reconnected with people who didn't treat me so well, those who did treat me well, and vice versa. Many times the memories of the circumstances of the break up fade or even details about the wrongs she (or I) did in the relationships.

 

The way I've become friends, very close friends actually, is 1-2 years later, finding some joke email stored away somewhere on my computer with her email address on it, seeing someone that reminded me of her on the street, or had someone ask about her, then saying to myself, "You know what? I'd really like to see how she's doing", and calling or emailing her. In one case, she had a boyfriend, I had another girlfriend, we laughed and talked about stuff, and a real friendship came out of it without weirdness. In fact, in each case, I've said it was a good thing we broke up because with the 20/20 vision of hindsight, I saw we were not right for each other romantically. Until you are there I think, it is too soon for you.