My guy is running scared - help

[lunavica]

Hi all, I am new to this website and have been reading through posts to try and understand my dilemma.

My b/f and I just broke up and get this....I didn't do anything wrong. He is absolutely terrified and needs his time. He used the phrase "running scared". I know I should give him his space and I know he loves me very much but I don't exactly know how I should act or what I should say.

Anyone else been in a similar situation?

[bigheart09]

Well, the only thing I can say is give him his space.

[Relationship Coach]

Welcome to ENA.

 

How long did you date prior to the break up?

 

RC

[jas56]

Give him space but at the same time, make it known that when he is ready this is something you two should talk about but your not just going to laying around waiting. You deserve some type of explanation for your own health too. Some people are just afraid that they may not do all of the right things for a good relationship and this is what he may be going through. I hope everything works out.

[lunavica]

We had dated just under six months. I know I should give him his space but it's so hard right now. All I want to do is call him........

[blender]

Do NOT call him, just feel all you are feeling, cry, be sad, but do not react to these feelings by reaching out to him... be respectful of his wish to have some time and space. Be self respecting enough to know that you are worthy of a guy who makes an intentional effort to have you in his life, and for right now focus on the fact that he is "not ready"...

 

The most powerful and attractive thing you can do will be the most difficult and that is to respect what he said, hear it clearly for what it is and nothing more than the fact that "he's scared, feeling too close and wants to take some time on his own to think". In letting go and maintaining no contact you are allowing him the "precious opportunity" to disocover on his own his authentic feelings for you.

 

If you choose to "interrupt" this by contacting him, it forces him in to a situation where he has to be "polite" or "alleviate his guilt" or "just tell you something you need to hear" so you can have a "fix" for your anxiety, and it also puts up a wall between him discovering his feelings for you, and missing you, and wondering about you and making an intentional effort to win back your heart.. For right now, it's best to not contact him, to just feel all your feelings, and trust that if the "love" is real, he will "discover" this in his own timing.. not yours...

 

For today, take care of you, cry to friends/family, vent on this site, and know that contacting him now will only be disrespectful of his expressing a clear feeling of wanting space and time, and it will also make you feel like you are trying to "convince him" or get some "temporary bandaid on your heartache".. instead feel your feelings, and let him have his time...this is really the most attractive and powerful thing for you to do.. take care of you, and let him be for now... you can do it..

 

What is the alternative? You contact him, he's polite, you cry to him, he feels badly, maybe he reconsiders out of guilt, and then you feeling like you aren't "really sure" why he's still talking to you, instead, let go.. and then you will clearly find out where he stands.. when he is ready to talk, he will contact you... take some solace in the fact that he does have feelings for you, and he's been honest, and you can respect this, and care enough for him and yourself to give this space a chance....

[amystar]

Hey,

 

Sorry to hear what youre going through. Something VERY similar happened to me not too long ago. I gave him his space and he ended up contacting me a few days later. Now we're back together trying to pick up the pieces (and it's hard).

 

It's even difficult for me to take my own advice but here goes:

 

I woud just give him what he wants. I know it's really really hard, but don't contact him! You need to let him figure out what he wants. And if it was meant to be, he will come back to you. If he does, then it's up to you if you want to give him another chance. First, sit down with him and discuss what it is that he is confused about and wheter it is something that you two can work on together. Second, realize that you are a great person and there are other people out there. If he decides he doesn't want to be with you anymore, move on. It's hard, but you will find that person you a looking for.

 

That's my 2 cents worth.

 

Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.

[ebsmith1]

Just listen to blender! He's so right on!

[Relationship Coach]

Blender said it best, not much room for anything further.

 

RC

[need2bme]

Blender: What an awesome post and one that I need to read too.

 

What great points when pointing out that they need to come to us, not being disrespectful, going back and forth, etc.

 

Again, thanks so much.

[lunavica]

Thanks so much for the amazing words of wisdom blender! After reading it I just started to cry - good tears! - as what you wrote really hit me. It's day 4 without contact and it's so hard as I seem to run into him almost daily (we work for the same company but in different locations and departments).

I am trying to keep myself so busy because whenever I have a quiet time he is all I think about. I guess my main problem is that I just don't understand the whole situation. If I loved somebody I wouldn't want to take the chance to let them go. I know I will probably not get any closure but it just keeps replaying in my mind.

I know I can get through this and I will not break down and call him. I just have to be strong when I do run into him during business hours.

Thanks to everyone else who replied as well - I just keeep going re-reading the respones every time I have the "urge" to call him.

[MightyBoosh]

I think this is where I went wrong...my ex started behaving very strange for a number of weeks before ending it....he was a real nightmare at keeing in touch with me, and when youre 100 miles apart, communicating through phones or texts or I.M. is pretty much all you have. I asked him one day what was going on, and he said he had a load of questions hanging over him about us that he needed to sort through on his own...so I figured id give him some space. But, when I hadnt heard from him in 2 days-at the time it felt like a lifetime (who goes 2 days without speaking to their partner?!?) i tried texting him to tell him how I was feeling about the situation....now, I wish Id just given him the space he needed and disappeared for a few days, letting him know I was there if he needed me....just dont badger him...its not been long since you split up so I guess its reversible...just dont bug him with how youre feeling....vent on here, or to your friends, or even write it down-trust me it helps! hes trying to deal with his own stuff and doesnt need to have to deal with how you feel as well-in a normal situation, he could deal with how you feel aswell, but this isnt a usual situation, and he probably just wants to be able to be selfish and not have to worry about your feelings too.

[Eileen101]

I think that the post that Blender put up has to be the most intelligently put explanation I have ever heard from someone on this type of dilema. It is really an extremely well put way to look at how to handle the way someone in this situation is feeling and what their dealing with entails. It is so important to mantain your integrity when you are going through a situation like this. If the person you are seeing does not want to see you for a time period or just ends it all together, there has to be a way for you to deal with that so that you are not totally anialated by the situation. I remember going through this in my first relationship years ago and I didn't do well at all. I think I ended up being way more scarred from the breakup after all was said and done because I really had no dignity or self respect left after I made a total idiot out of myself by pleading with the person that was ending the relationship not to end it. I felt so low and went through so much more than if I would have just left it alone. No one likes to be abandoned but at the same time other people don't like to feel like they are being hounded by someone because that other person cant deal with thier feelings. So there really is too sides. Just keep yourself intact by staying in control of how you feel. Just like Blender said, you want to know that someone is talking to you because they really want to and not because they are being forced to. You will do fine, hang in there. There is a good chance that you will reconcile if you take care, Good luck.

[lunavica]

Thank you both for your kind words. Blender is completely right.

I screwed up today though........I was doing so well and then he called this morning and I stupidly picked up. The conversation was going fine - we were just chatting about mindless stuff really - how hungover I was, how my treadmill was delivered today, etc. Then he tells me that he still loves me and misses me and then I got angry. I retaliated and then it began. I went on to say that if he loved me and missed me so much he would fight for me, that if he loved me he wouldn't want to hurt me or see me hurt and that we would be together......I wasen't so much angry at him I was angry at myself for saying these things. I felt like I had no control on what was coming out of my mouth and I couldn't stop talking. I ended the conversation by hanging up on him - yah so "grown up" I know.

I was a basket case the rest of the morning and then calmed down and focused on putting my treadmill together. He ended up calling back in the afternoon and I apologized to him. His response - it's completely understandable and I don't blame you. I commented on how it wasen't okay for me to say those things even if I feel them (at least not to him!) and that he asked for his time and space and I should be respecting his choices and by not doing that I am actually pushing him further away. He told me not to worry about it and that he would call me tomorrow and come over to help me set up my treadmill.

A sucker for punishment?? And if he needs his space why does he keep contacting me?!

Sorry all, just needed to vent! And I should be doing it on here rather than at him.