Saw ex (with new guy): what is she thinking?

[christianh1607306450]

This is a combination of a rant thread and a question (but any response gratefully received).

 

I've been split up with my ex for 5 months now and on Friday it was a mutual friend's birthday and we both went. She took her new guy along, I didn't take anyone (partly cos the situation I'm in isn't as well established...ie still dating not "going out" and in any case I'm not sure I would have wanted to bring anyone)

 

Anyway I turn up, having received a text out of the blue from my ex the afternoon before saying "Happy New Year! Hope to see you at the party later". I didn't reply as I was still unsure if I was ready to face her (pretty much NC til now and hadn't seen her since we split up). Ended up going and she's there with her new guy who is very tactile with her (which clearly throws me).

 

I find a moment to interrupt the conversation I'm having with someone else and go over and see my ex and give her a hug and say "Hi" (thinking it is better for me to seize the initiative). We then chat for a little and she says "I'm seeing someone". To which I say "I know". She says "..and he's here, it's a little awkward". I say "I'm cool with things, nothing need be awkward".

 

She then says "please tell me you're seeing someone" and I say "yeah, early stage stuff, but she's not here". Then the conversation moves on to other things and we catch up. She introduces me to her new guy, although he's having a conversation with someone else and I don't really get to meet him.

 

Ex and I finish our little chat (which I think goes pretty well...no discussion of "us" or anything negative). Then when she comes to leave she says to me "can we meet up for that dinner" (something she'd previously requested but having set up proceeded to cancel at the last minute for what i think were legit reasons). So I said "yes if you suggest some dates we can do it".

 

She then leaves. I then send her a follow up text the following day (I have the excuse of having a new mobile number) which gives her the number (obviously!) and then says "If you still want to do that dinner get in touch with some dates (ball in your court 'cos you cancelled last time)". I then cheekily (this I will admit to) said in a PS to the text that I felt guilty that I hadn't spoken to her new guy properly and wanted to apologise for being rude. I will also admit to sending it as a means of calling her bluff...I'm not letting her get away with "let's meet up" type statements and then not following throuhg. If she doesn't want to or can't then I wish she'd just not suggest doing it.

 

As yet no reply (par for the course).

 

So apart from wanting to put down what happened in writing so that I can get it off my chest, I just don't understand what's going on in her mind. Obviously (given the fact this is in "Getting Back Together" I still have feelings for her) and maybe that's partly cos I'm not seeing someone properly yet (though I really like the new girl..it's just a bit too slow burn for my liking!) but I have soo many questions:

 

- why did she bring him along and then tell me that it was "awkward"? She could have avoided that by not bringing him (he knows no-one else there)

- what's with the "let's have dinner" thing which she goes 1/2 way to setting up but then pulls back

- what was the "hope to see you tonight" text in aid of? Was that trying to see if I'd be there and if I said "no" or failed to reply did that give her the green light to bring him?

- is my "sorry for not speaking to your new guy" text too provocative or should she legitimately have expected me to talk to him and thereforeeee it is apologising for something I should've done?

 

 

and finally obviously there's the "what the hell does she see in him" type questions (which I know are just jealousy and so am clearly able to ignore).

 

Came away from that with the thought that I have to move on but it also made me cry and well up inside. It doesn't help that I have suspicions she cheated on me (or at the very least set up the new relationship before we split up) but its really got to me. That said, I know this is exactly why NC is a good thing and I'm going back to it. We still have each others stuff and I want to sort that asap and I will go for a 1 on 1 dinner with her if she comes back with a date, but otherwise NC.

 

Any thoughts/comments welcomed.

[shikashika]

I don't think there is any problem with bringing the new guy along.. it sounds like she just said the its awkward thing to try and be polite..but it probably wasn't awkward for HER at all

 

You're right.. leave the ball in her court if she wants to meet up for dinner

 

'hope to see you tonight' is just being polite... I wouldn't read too much into that

[christianh1607306450]

I don't think there is any problem with bringing the new guy along.. it sounds like she just said the its awkward thing to try and be polite..but it probably wasn't awkward for HER at all

 

Thanks for your comments. The awkward thing was definitely in reference to him being there. But your general point may well be correct so thanks for the thought.

[Mavis VDSande]

She then says "please tell me you're seeing someone"

 

Why would she say that for?

[leo_s84]

Why would she say that for?

 

Did she break up with you?

Sounds like she feels a little guilty about everything, and wants to know if you're ok and everything. I really don't see anything that might make you think she wants to get back together with you, or even talk about it.

[hjc]

I'd ignore what she's thinking..you deserve better!

[majord23]

This is my take:

 

what was the "hope to see you tonight" text in aid of? Was that trying to see if I'd be there and if I said "no" or failed to reply did that give her the green light to bring him?

You’ve got it in one. She was fishing to see if you would be there. “Hope to see you at the party later” is less confrontational than asking directly. Alternatively it may have been her way of letting you know that she *would* be there and thus left it in your hands. Either way, the text she sent bares no resemblance to what she actually meant by it.

 

 

why did she bring him along and then tell me that it was "awkward"? She could have avoided that by not bringing him (he knows no-one else there).

Because she was (possibly) hoping that her indication of her intention to attend would be a deterrent to you turning up (kudos to you for going btw). She may have been trying to project that the awkwardness of the situation was because of your actions (turning up) when in reality they were related to hers (bringing the new bf). Attempt at projecting responsibility to you IMO.

 

 

what's with the "let's have dinner" thing which she goes 1/2 way to setting up but then pulls back.

Possibly to ease her own guilt – ie if you agree to meet up, there are no hard feelings from your side.

Once she receives confirmation that you are ‘ok’, the dinner becomes less of an issue. I think that she mentioned it again because she felt guilty for cancelling the first time and then had to face you in person. Don’t count on her following it up….yet.

 

 

is my "sorry for not speaking to your new guy" text too provocative or should she legitimately have expected me to talk to him and thereforeeee it is apologising for something I should've done?.

IMO, it’s neither here nor there and doesn’t make much of a difference. You haven’t done any harm at all by apologising and if anything it shows that you’re taking the high road here.

 

 

"please tell me you're seeing someone"

As for this, I think it comes off as a little condescending from her, but I think her intention was to find out if you were seeing someone. Whether that be because of jealousy, to ease her guilt or because she genuinely wants you to be happy is anyone’s guess – you know her better than us

[christianh1607306450]

Thank you MajorD! Very very helpful and enlightening.

 

Feeling good about myself having read what you said. I feel like I'm being open and dealing with things in a straightforward manner...she seems to be playing games. Odd really cos the dumpee ought to be the one playing games....

[christianh1607306450]

Possibly to ease her own guilt – ie if you agree to meet up, there are no hard feelings from your side.

Once she receives confirmation that you are ‘ok’, the dinner becomes less of an issue. I think that she mentioned it again because she felt guilty for cancelling the first time and then had to face you in person. Don’t count on her following it up….yet

 

Well its a few days later and no word from her whatsoever. I'm veering between feeling angry (at what I perceive to be game playing/insincerity), sad (which may be another way of saying "unloved"), confused and happy that I'm not with someone who clearly (to my mind at least) doesn't seem to give a damn about me or my feelings. I know that's one sided and my perception of the world, rather than a rational balanced view.

 

I've decided that this thread is going to serve four purposes for me:

- getting it off my chest and just having the opportunity to share my thoughts with others;

- hearing what others have to say about it and listening to their advice;

- having a record of what I am thinking/have thought. That way next time she contacts me I am going to read this thread before replying. I know that if she gets all enthusiastic about meeting up that chances are I'll get wrapped up in the moment and forget all the pain and things I'm going through now. I need to remember how bad I've felt at times and moderate my response (if indeed I do respond) accordingly. MajorD's comments seem to me to be spot on and thank you for your interpretations (all of you);

- maybe someone else will read this and be able to associate with what I'm going through.

 

Final thought/question: can anyone think of a nice way that I can reply to her when she does get back to me which makes the point that I'm fed up with being treated like a toy. She basically comes back to me every so often and makes nice noises (about meeting up not getting back together) and then fails miserably. Maybe NC (and total and utter NC - ie. just ignoring any contact from her) is the only thing I can do....