I don't know how to do this... LONG

[willow2900]

Hi everyone. Here's my scoop:

 

I dated J for almost 3 years. We've known each other for about 8 years, met in college. Our relationship was really solid. Infact, when we made the decision to split every one of our family and friends (and still to this day) say how surprised they were and shocked that we would split.

 

We decided (and I do mean WE) to break for a few reasons. 1) Money. It sounds selfish etc but it was a huge reality. I supported him the past three years in every way. I was so trapped in debt that after months of trying to figure out a solution we decided that I needed to get myself back on track.

Also, J wanted to feel more independent and a contributer rather than dependant and I agreed.

 

2) He wasn't divorced. His first marriage was a "trying to do the right thing when your girlfriend's pregnant" type of deal. It was weighing on me heavily that it took almost 4 years for him to get divorced (which happened 2 weeks after we split)

 

We decided this mid October and I moved out the beginning of December. We said that we would make no promises except that we would be honest if we were dating someone else and that we would remain friends. He told me in tears as he hugged me goodbye that we were working this out and he would marry me someday.

 

Then the **** started.

 

I found out mid December that he had been dating online since October. 7 days after I moved out he began dating a friend of a friend regularly and still is. I found his myspace page the other day and he has links and pics of the new girl.

 

I tested positive on a pregnancy test, told him and he said he would be there for me 100%. Then two days later I tested negative. In those two days we had a HUGE crying talk etc etc.

 

I went over to give him and his child christmas gifts and we ended up having a big talk and he told me that he loves me but needs his single time right now. He feels he missed out on it being married before so young.

 

He works with me and I have to see him regularly. I have not talked with him since Dec 29th. I am really really struggling with all of this. I have talked to a counsellor a few times and it did help but he is pretty much telling me just to move on. I am not ready. I can feel that there is still so much there.

 

I have to talk to him at the end of the month to arrange a payment plan for him to pay me back. He doesn't just owe me a few thousand, it's a lot-a-few-thousand. I don't know how to have that conversation.

 

I had a big talk with two of my friends today as I am feeling really suicidal. I know that that is not the answer; I see the immediate results of that everyday (health care worker.) I just can't seem to get past this. I have had serious relationships in the past where it nearly resulted in marriage but nothing like this.

 

How can he be over me already?

I know he is shutting a lot of things out (ie. mutual friends which are all work friends too) and pushing all of what he feels for me aside.

Is this a rebound relationship for him?

 

I told him in our last conversation exactly what I wanted: to be with him and I let him now that I love him, and that I am in love with him.

 

I just can't get through this. To end all this pain and hurt; I would give anything to have that happen.

[friscodj]

Well, there seem to be several levels to this situation. Let's begin...

 

First of all, don't kill yourself. Don't let the situation win, you don't want to do that. You have many people in your life who would miss you and would have to live with the memory and scar of your suicide for the rest of their lives. Keep reminding yourself of what you've seen in your job experience. Whenever you feel suicidal, catch these thoughts an replace them with what you know and have seen suicide do to those left behind.

 

Now, about the break up, I have a couple of thoughts here. First, he is stuck in a pattern here. Look at it. He gets his girlfriend pregnant, marries her, and starts a relationship with you. Now, he almost got you pregnant, spoke of marriage and being there for you, while at the same time has probably been interested in this other woman for some time, which is why it seems like he moved on so fast when in reality, he started moving on well before the split.

 

It's all a pattern; he is stuck in this pattern and you better thank your lucky stars you got out of now.

 

I believe he is in a place right now where he desires no responsibility. He just got divorced, which while seemingly only a formality to file papers, probably really hit home when the ink dried. He breaks up with you, distances friends...yeah, he is a certified train wreck trying to find the tracks...

 

This break up was a gift to you. You will not see this for sometime but you will, I guarantee it.

 

As far as the money issue. This is going to be tough and might require remaining in some contact with him for an extended period of time. I suggest you devise a payment plan, present it to him, and tell him how it is going to be. You may have to get tough with him, I have a feeling given his new found freedom.

 

And work is work. He is a coworker and any contact you have with him at work should be towards that direction. Speak to him professionally and only when necessary.

 

All in all, this will hurt and given the amount of time and history you shared together, good or bad, there was attachment there so there will be detachment, which will hurt. It will hurt for a while I think but realize this pain and grief is finite. A much worse scenario in which to find yourself would be to remain in the relationship, spinning your wheels, while he is doing stuff behind your back. At least now you have traction is the right direction, albeit over a rough road, lost in the middle of the night, but the sun will rise soon enough.

 

If I had an instant solution to dispel your pain and grief, I would give it to you, but it doesn't exist. I might suggest taking a trip, a vacation somewhere, doing something you've always wanted to do, something you never thought you could or didn't have time for, and turn this break up into a positive motivating experience to do such. That has worked well for me before after tough break ups.

[willow2900]

Thanks friscodj. Your response is very helpful. The only thing is that he met this new girl for the first time 7 days after I moved out. Not before. And the only way I know that is through my friend (she told me about the relationship and her disapproval of it - trying to be honest to all parties as she is friends with us all!)

I do see how this is a pattern for him now that you lay it out. I just can't get over him. It's hard when his family, parents, friends are all saying "you guys were meant to be, the perfect couple, you'll work it out, just give it time..." and more. I find it hard that he is in such denial - but maybe that's where he needs to be. Sprialing to the bottom to REALLY find out who he is, and what he feels and believes.

I do want to be back with him, but only in a healthy way. And right now, he is not healthy.

 

Thanks again for your thoughts....I am going to be reading them over and over.

[brando]

Willow,

i think you need to truly ask yourself if you believe this relationship is/was meant to be. It could be your strong belief in this thought is really holding you back from taking the necessary steps from moving on. Besides what does his family know about this relationship as meant to be??. Only God or a higher power has this ability, not people.

 

I agree with Frisco, it is a gift that you two aren't together. Stop listening to those around you telling you this relationship is written in the stars. Suspend that judgement until you get a grip on your situation as it is right now. Accept that it is what it is, and focus on you and what you want out of life and how you will get yourself on that road.

 

As far as the money he owes you, well you can't make him pay you back. You can try to set up a payment plan, but he stil does not have to agree to follow through. I would try to see if you two can work this out on your own, but if you find he is not living up to your agreement, then you may need to consider legal action against him. Especially if it is several thousand dollars you are talking about. Your only other option is to let it go completely, and I know you don't want to do that.

 

It is a journey, and you need to take that first step alone. After the first, the next steps become much easier.

 

be well

brando

[christy1002]

Hi! Not saying that you do not really want to be with HIM, but is there a possibilty that you just miss the closeness/intimacy of having the "solid" relationship? I'm only suggesting this, because I found myself doing this at first ~considering taking him back, thinking I missed "him", when it wasn't really "him" I missed. It does sound like he is establishing a "pattern" here that isn't a good one...YOU deserve better than that! Wishing you the BEST!

[ladydi3]

It all sounds so familiar. I am wondering, after reading some of the replys, if I am still so in love with him and missing him or am I missing "us"?? Missing being part of a couple???? I don't have the answers and I am still trying to search for them. Hang in there, I don't know when or how but you will find happiness whether it's with him or not. Keep telling yourself that you deserve the best and then figure out if he is the best there is.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

First off, this guy sounds very immature... like he just floats along and whatever happens, happens, and then moves on to the next woman when the heat gets on, i.e., he has a child to support, or he has used up all your money and then some... i am VERY suspicious that he made no plans of his own to pay you back, or even to take a lot of money from you in the first place...

 

could be this guy is a big baby and a user, and when it looks like HE has to be responsible, then he bails out to find the next woman to use...

 

don't listen to his words, what is he actually doing? were you the one supporting his last child?? i am sorry if you thought you were working on a real relationship, but it sounds like he was finding a way to supplement his income... and now that you don't have more to give, he wants to be 'free' (i.e., find the next woman to take care of him)...

 

please count yourself lucky he is gone, and try to recover your money from him... don't listen to his pretty words about loving you etc. if he loved you, he would take responsibility for himself and being a good partner, which is obviusly not his agenda.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

btw, don't even *think* about hurting yourself over this guy... he's just not worth it... you are obviously a kind and loving person, and he is obviously not... there are lots of manipulators in this world who say pretty words, but if you look at their deeds, they are just interested in filling their own needs, and using other people to do it...

 

please consider counseling, to understand how to recover, and to help you see this guy is NOT worth killing yourself over... get angry, don't get sad, you should be angry, he took a lot of money and used you. you are a great person to help him, he is a loser who doesn't care about anyone but himself... don't confuse yourself with him, you deserve the best, and have lots to live for, another person who is equally loving and kind is in your future, this guy is just your past.