I'm confused... Can somebody help me figure this out?

[NASCARfan30534]

Hi Guys,

 

I'm sort of confused about a girl that I've had an interest in for about three months now. I can handle any kind of criticism or honesty so if you feel she has no interest whatsoever, PLEASE let me know. I don't want to keep spinning my wheels on somebody that may not be interested and think I'll only lose her respect if I were to do that.

 

First, I think I'll by clear and honest by saying that I work with her currently -- although that won't be a factor for long because I have been offered several other jobs and am just looking to pick the one that "fits". Three months ago, when I first had an interest, she wouldn't go ANYWHERE with me. Walk accross the street, lunch, to another office -- NOWHERE. It usually takes me a while to get to know or like someone, though, so for about the first two months of her being there, I rarely ever said a word.

 

I can readily say about anything around her now and can do a play fight routine where I act as though I'm about to punch her or kick her and will get a laugh and a, "don't practice you're wrestling moves on me." It's nothing uncommon now for a playful "high five" to take place -- sometimes several times a day. The smiles can be on and off but, normally, I can get a smile out of her fairly easily.

 

I'm not certain that it matters, but she laughs at me a lot. Today, for example, we went out to eat during lunch and she walked in the door and I was sort of shuffled out and ended up holding the door open for other people and noticed her clapping and laughing to the waitress (apparently about the fact that I was sort of shuffled out). There were several bench's and I took a seat in one of them (that had an open seat next to it), but she sit in the bench beside me. We talked about several subjects and somehow, an ex-girlfriend come up which was met with a FROWN by her. She seemed to warm right back up, though, and we had a pretty nice lunch with the exception of one STUPID (Hey, I'll admit) remark I made... I noticed a ring on her finger (that finger) and, somewhat crushed, asked, "So, when's the big day?" She responded with, "The big day??", and I said, "Well, I see the ring." She laughed and said, "This isn't an engagement ring, this is my university class ring" (I only saw the backside of it and not the front so, as far as I knew, it could be any ring). I then just sort of casually said, "Well, he's lucky anyways", to which she responded, "I'm not getting married... This isn't an engagement ring" and laughed.

 

From there, she just sort of talked about a graduate degree, one day possibly moving, and other things she would like to do with her life. She asked about my goals -- which are similar -- and seems to be interested in some of the things I say. She does have a great memory as she can quote things back (or ask about things I've talked about in the past) with ease. I'm a huge NFL fan and also enjoy video games and she'll regularly mention seeing something to do with one or the other to me. We have always taken my truck to do things in the past, but if I ever mention something I need to do (or whatever), she'll always say, "I can pick you up."

 

Finally... as for e-mails and telephone calls... I've only called her on the phone once before which mostly was just a lot of laughing from both of us. She may or MAY NOT respond to my e-mail, but it's usually met with a response. She also seems pretty "joking" toward me.

 

Alright, I think I've included about everything going on between us (good and bad) and am just curious if any of you can help me distinguish whether or not she has an interest level and what I should do, etc. I don't really WANT to be in a serious relationship while I still work there (as it could be disasterous for us both -- especially for her considering she'll be staying) but definitely want her to know she is somebody I would want to consider having a serious relationship with at some point (which is what I hoped the conversation about the ring would have done). Am I screwing anything up that I could be doing differently? I would rather just be myself as it feels more "right".

 

Thanks,

 

NASCARfan30534

[DMXtreme]

Sure she has interest in you but in what way? It seems that you are in the friend zone. Does she touch you when she talks or laugh? Does she make eye contact when you are not talking? How is her body language around you? I would ask her out on a romantic dinner, if she accepts then there is a chance. Or just plain out ask her what she thinks about maybe starting something more.

[NASCARfan30534]

Thanks. The eye contact definitely exists and we'll touch when we talk on occasion...

[Bethany]

Does she or doesn't she have a boyfriend? She didn't say that she didn't, just that she isn't getting married.

 

Other than that one thing above that you definitely need to clear up, she sounds to me that she likes you and if she is single, I think you should go for it.

[ILovePasta]

I was thinking she placed you in the dreaded 'friend' zone, but the frown when mention of a girlfriend came up could be an indicator of something else.

[NASCARfan30534]

Thanks for the replies. I understand the friend zone isn't good but what makes you think I'm there (out of the stuff I mentioned). I'm kind of worried about that myself but wonder if it's for the same reason you brought it up...

[JzE419]

I may be wrong, but I think she's interested. It sounds to me like she wasn't to start with because you said she wouldn't go anywhere with you -- and I'm not sure how strong the interest is, but the ideal that she didn't care to hear about your ex or continue the conversation about the ex is probably good.

 

It's also probably good that she WILL be seen with you in public pretty much whenever you ask. So, that means (to me) that her interest has grown. The only problem I see here is the thing about the ring. She OBVIOUSLY wanted you to know she wasn't getting married and wasn't seriously attached to anyone. When you said, "He's lucky", after finding out she wasn't getting married and she responded, "It's not an engagement ring", did she say anything else? It sounds to me like a) if she's with a guy, it's nothing serious and she would probably consider going with you (seeing as how she's already going to restaurants and shopping and stuff with you) or b) she's just not looking for anything serious out of ANYBODY right now (which you can't change).

[NASCARfan30534]

Thanks for your help! Thank ALL of you that left me a message.

 

She didn't really say anything other than what I put in the first message. After that, we just continued talking about all kinds of things that we know we have a mutual interest in (weather, animals, music, etc).

 

ONE MORE HUGE THING I FORGOT TO ASK:

 

When we got back from lunch, we sit in the truck and talked for about five minutes (and she really seemed intrigued by the conversation -- or at least she asked tons of questions). Anyways, when we got out, I told her about how much fun I always had with her which got (you guessed it) the same smile and a giggle, laugh, chuckle. I PLACED MY ARM around her and just kind of patted and lightly rubbed her back and told her "thanks" for coming. She didn't go running for the hills and, for the majority of the day, things were more like normal than anything else, but she did seem a tad more friendly.

[Bethany]

I don't think she would have sat in your truck or let you put your arm around her and smile a big smile if she didn't like you. Things would have been considerably more uncomfortable at work when you got back if she did, not friendlier.

 

Next time you go for coffee, just say that's theres one thing that you'd like to ask her and that's if she has a boyfriend. Good Luck.

[brandypgirl37]

are you two guys young? it just sort of sounds to me that y'all are in your early 20s. it sounds sort of like she tries to be really serious sometimes but always ends up laughing... positive... and there are tons of POSITIVES here.

 

in my opinion, i don't think she has a boyfriend BECAUSE if she's comfortable enough to explain her goals to you, she'd probably be comfortable enough to tell you she had a boyfriend (UNLESS things aren't going well between them and she thinks it will break up anyways). don't get me wrong, but when i was younger, i wouldn't even think about explaining my goals to anybody else. one thing, though, don't put too much stock in the goals because, when i was that age, i planned on moving to europe for a couple of years, looked for schools that were away from home, ect, and in most cases, a lot of people end up right back around the people they are familiar with.

 

PLEASE don't take this offensively, but if you had your hands on my back (or lightly around my back just kind of patting and rubbing me), it wouldn't matter how lightly you did that, i would probably have told you point blank "no", and things sure would have been awkward for the rest of the day if i hadn't considered you to have some sort of potential (and have some sort of interest in you). again, POSITIVE is that she obviously feels comfortable with you.

 

if you were in her friend zone, i kind of believe that she wouldn't be seen in public with you, wouldn't lay a finger on you (or allow you to her), wouldn't have gotten kind of awkward acting and looking over the mention of another girl, and wouldn't want and listen to your suggestions so darn much!! guys that i were friends with (that wanted to be more) were like this: i didn't want them to touch me regardless of how playful or lightly it was, didn't care to be seen at a place like red lobster, outback, a cafe, or whatever, didn't care about their relationships with past women and, in fact, tried to give them pointers, and would have wound up going wherever i wanted to go (or woudln't have went at all) if i was in public with them.

 

the play fighting on her and the talking about interests you have stuff is just so plain of a POSITIVE it isn't worth getting into. she probably wouldn't care about several of those things if she weren't around you and might even be intimidated by a guy punching at her (even if playfully). i would if i didn't have an interest... the fact that she can remember things about you so well screams POSITIVE and it just means that, for whatever reason, you are somebody that has a place inside of her somewhere (you have did something memorable to her).

 

laughing, clapping, and giggling because you were shuffled out of the door to the waitress is POSITIVE.

 

a BIGGIE... the ring thing is just weird. she established to you twice that she wasn't in a serious relationship. something almost identical happened to me one time (except i was asking a guy) and he was like, "oh no, but my girlfriend (insert name) is....." so yeah, I JUST THINK THAT IF SHE KNEW YOU HAD AN INTEREST THAT THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD WAY FOR HER TO MENTION THAT SHE WAS TAKEN. maybe that's just me, though.

 

here's what i think... i think she knows you have an interest. and i'll admit that things could be clearer or better, but she would have likely already run away screaming if she didn't like you. instead, you can laugh, giggle, and have a good time with her, she'll ride along with you like a habit now, and will throw out her own hand for a five or will allow you to pat her back, etc. it seems to me like you like her just because it's her... you know? i mean, sure there may be the other girls that are around, but you like her because she's her. and, she might feel the same way. about the talking in the truck thing and touching thing at the end of the lunch... ask her out sometime soon again and see if she'll go along... if she will, you might need to ask her about something more because it will be likely she has the interest (if after all that).

 

oh, should i mention the moving you aside so she could sit alongside you on the bench? that was just SWEET, CUTE, and probably a good interest indicator from her.

 

Brandy

[JzE419]

Would she even be seen out with him if she had a boyfriend? It was just always my luck that, whether they had a boyfriend or not, they would always have than as an excuse not to go. So, as an experience, I would ask a girl that I knew had a boyfriend out for lunch or something at work, and they'd always bring another co-worker. Girls that were single (or I just didn't know if they had a boyfriend because they never mentioned one) would always go without supervision. She probably doesn't have a boyfriend and the piece of her that he has inside of her is part of her heart. Now if he sit on the bench and she sit in a different seat or bench, we might have had a different story there. Face it, she likes him probably the same we he does her. She likes him because he's NASCARfan30534 and the other guys are there, but THEY AREN'T NASCARfan30534.

[NASCARfan30534]

Hey,

 

I'm surprised that this thread is still going strong but thanks so much for all of the responses. First, we are in our early - mid 20s. I'm 24 and she would be 22.

 

I have mentioned everything other than Tuesday but it might be somewhat important. On Tuesday, I was looking for someone to go to lunch with me and had already been out with her on Monday and didn't figure she'd want to go two days in a row. Anyways, I called another girl in the office and asked her if she wanted to go and got the following response... "Well, I mean, I would, but... Um... I mean, um... (another girl at work but not the one I'm asking about) might want to go... Really, today just isn't good for me". I said, "no problem", I'll ask somebody else. Well, I thought the girl I really have an interest in was already gone for lunch and instead called another girl that shares the same office as her and got this response, "This week is just terrible for me with all the things I have going on. Sorry, but no". I told her, "I'll look around and find somebody else." I was just about to call the girl I'm interested in when a guy from my office spoke up and said, "I'll go if you want... We'll go to the sports diner". So, whenever I got back to the office, she was just weird all day long. She wouldn't speak to me (not even to say hi), would walk away whenever I came up, and wouldn't even look at me.

 

So, the next morning, I mentioned to her that I had intended on calling her the day before for lunch but was asked by another guy in the office before getting around to her and asked her about Friday. She responded, "I can't go today because I have already fixed lunch for today and I would love to go tomorrow but can't because I'm going to meet a girl that I went to college with for lunch but Friday would be fine with me if it is with you." Then, on Friday, we only argued about where we would go. She mentioned her places and I mentioned mine and she wanted to go to one of mine. Anyways, hope this helps!

 

And you guys are right - I know plenty of other girls exist but it's just like I have blinders on and see only the great things in the girl I'm interested in now. It's so weird.

 

Thanks!

[NASCARfan30534]

More news-

 

The radio in my truck has been acting weird for about two months and went out completely the other day. I'm usually leaving work about fifteen minutes earlier than everybody else (because I live in the next town over and try to beat traffic) and assume she must have sent the e-mail right after I left.

 

Anyways, she started joking as we were going to lunch about the truck being "radio-less" and said you should get it fixed. O.K. She sent an e-mail late yesterday evening that said if I needed somebody to pick me up in the morning and help me get back in the afternoon while repairs were being made, count her in. So maybe this is another positive?

[brandypgirl37]

she may have got pissed about you asking other girls and wanted to be asked first.

 

listen up, take her up on the car ride and do get your car fixed. this girl seems to remember a lot about you and the car ride is an invitation. i'm not trying to get your hopes up and i hope (for you) (and for her because you'd be so dang good to her) it works out, but i think she may like you. seriously.

[JzE419]

Maybe I'm wrong about this so hopefully somebody else will tune in with some kind of message in response to what I'm about to write. I don't claim to have all the experience in the world with women and, in fact, sometimes I'm just terrible around them.

 

I think an invitation to come inside her car and for you to talk your problems and stuff over with her is pretty positive and I think (from this message) that she must really like you. The only thing I'm wondering is this: And again, don't hold to what I say, but I REALLY think she likes you and perhaps the reason she is awkward to be around sometimes is that she wants a relationship with a guy but doesn't want it to move so extremely fast that her goals, etc, take a backseat.

 

So, maybe she wants you but doesn't want marriage, kids, etc, anytime soon. Hopefully somebody else will tune in and say if this sounds right, but I don't think there is any question now about whether or not she likes you and the question may be over whether or not she wants to go steady be extremely serious, etc.

 

More news-

 

The radio in my truck has been acting weird for about two months and went out completely the other day. I'm usually leaving work about fifteen minutes earlier than everybody else (because I live in the next town over and try to beat traffic) and assume she must have sent the e-mail right after I left.

 

Anyways, she started joking as we were going to lunch about the truck being "radio-less" and said you should get it fixed. O.K. She sent an e-mail late yesterday evening that said if I needed somebody to pick me up in the morning and help me get back in the afternoon while repairs were being made, count her in. So maybe this is another positive?

[annie24]

I think you should just go for it and ask her out on a proper date. It sounds like she may be interested, but maybe she is only interested as a friend. it is hard to tell, but from what you have said, she at least likes you as a friend, because she is hanging out with you.

 

I think you should call and ask her out on a weekend. go ice skating, get some ice cream, go for a walk, etc....

 

but before you do that, try to find out if she has a bf. maybe she does? I don't know. If you can tease her like, "Oh, do you beat up your boyfriend this way also?" (when you are having your play fights). she may say, "I don't have a boyfriend!" or, she could just giggle and look away (which is something I might do!)

 

so, good luck! let us know how it goes. I think it's time to take things to the next level though.

[Altruist]

I think you should continue to do what's working for you. Enjoy the time that you spend together and let things progress naturally. There is no doubt in my mind THIS GIRL REALLY LIKES YOU. You dont have to ak her, the evidence is there right infront of your eyes. Actions speak louder than words.

[NASCARfan30534]

I just wanted to thank everybody for all their comments regarding this message. I have a new question (as I have found out a new piece of information) and am wondering what I should do. First and foremost, she has a boyfriend... I found this out by sort of accidentally hearing part of a conversation. But, I guess it saves me from asking....

 

What should I do here? I know that I can't ask her out now (as I wouldn't want anybody to intrude on somebody I cared for), but should I abruptly stop hanging around her and asking her to lunch / dinner now that I have found this information out? I do care deeply for her (and wish things would work out), but you just cannot force something but, on the other hand, I've become somewhat attached to hanging out with her.

 

If I continue to do so, one of two things might happen: 1.) It'll break off between them and I can ask her personally (which can only result in a yes or a no), or 2.) They'll grow closer and I'll only become more hurt by becoming more attached to her. What should I do?

 

Thanks...

 

P.S. As weird as this sounds, I just have a crazy feeling (with all that's happened) that she must like me in some capacity (as she has treated me far better than any friend I've ever had). I'm DESPERATELY needing advice here.

[NASCARfan30534]

So, she just comes up to me and notices that I got a haircut over the weekend (barely noticeable) and proclaims that she's sorry I haven't been feeling well (I've been through numerous tests on my stomach, etc), and yesterday was a nightmare.

[NASCARfan30534]

And if it couldn't become any more bizarre, here's some more news:

 

Just called by the same individual (a friend of us both that always remains confidential) who said, "I know what I said earlier today about him being a pretty good guy and stuff, but the MySpace profile she has still says single."

 

I know that's a pretty petty thing to look at (but I don't even have a MySpace account and haven't often visited the page -- so I haven't seen it for myself). I'm just clueless as to why she won't mention him seeing as how many times we have (and continue) to hang out.

[annie24]

hmmmm...... interesting.......

 

it is possible that she is not as serious about this guy as she told your mutual friend. ie, maybe she is talking to you and has her status on "single" because she doesn't want to break up with her bf until she has another one lined up...... just a thought....

 

I would keep talking to her, but beware! if you ever become her boyfriend, she may treat you like this in the future. ie, talking to other guys behind your back and posting on myspace that she is still single.

 

I would definitely keep my options open and keep meeting new women. don't make a move on this one until you are SURE she has broken up with her bf.

[brandypgirl37]

awwww.... you seem so sweet....

 

my advice to you would be to do as annie has alreayd said and just be certain that she no longer has the boyfriend when you do decide to ask. but hell, asking her about a ring, telling her that her boyfriend was lucky, etc, kind of give her ever chance in the world to tell you (and i'm still confused as to why she wouldn't have).

 

i would also do as annie said in keeping with talking to her. you sure want ot give her some room but you should probably also understand that you aren't holding a gun to her head and making her go wherever you please (and the reason you seem so sweet is you realize from your other post that you cant).

 

i don't understand this one but i do appreciate you sending the p.m. i requested. testing the water by intentionally not speaking to her to see what she will do? she speaks and begins questioning your weekend? wow... if i had no interest in somebody, i could care less as to whether they spoke to me or not, wouldn't be in a restaurant sitting on a bench side by side with a guy when i had a boyfriend that meant the world to me, and probably wouldn't offer to help you get from place to place.

 

notice one other thing you mentioned in a post... those other two girls that had boyfriends? one wouldn't go with you and the other wouldn't go unless they could drag someone else along. so, apparently, this one feels comfortable with you. i have a feeling this girl might know she's missing out on something without you...

[NASCARfan30534]

Thank you both!! Another day and another person that acts like they have some sort of interest in me. I love the heavy rain (by the way, I'm in Florida -- the zip code is just the home of my favorite NASCAR driver) and was like, "we should have a rainy day party". Out of all the people that heard it, she's the only one that says, "I'll be there." I'm confused...

[HurleyBabe6917]

Hmm.

It seems that you are in the friend zone as everyone else has said.

But, that doesn't mean that you can't move out of it.

It's good that you make her laugh.

Making a girl laugh is important.

I don't think I could ever be with a guy who had no sense of humor and was boring.

it's also a good thing that you have gone to lunch together.

Keep us updated.

[ramsickle1369]

I'm not a very experienced dater, but I don't fully understand the "friend zone" issue. I've heard this before, from guys. It seems as if it's assumed that if you don't ask within a certain period of time, then your chances are gone. Maybe I'm weird or something, but I always thought that being friends first was AWESOME! And, having been friends with a guy for two years before we hooked up, well, it was awesome. We already knew everything about each other. When it DID get romantic, it was VERY deep. We didn't have the pretenses of "pretending" to like or do something to impress the other person.

 

Bottom line? I guess it's that if a girl likes a guy, she does. If it becomes "just friends" then she's not THAT into him romantically.

 

Is this different for guys? Do guys lose interest after a while? I thought the whole game for guys WAS the chase? Letting a guy "catch" you seems to be the kiss of death--for me anyway. ???