No Contact?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

with all due respect, let's apply a little reality therapy here... about 99% of relationships that start as affairs end badly within a couple years after the breakup of the first marriage, so you have a REALLY good chance that the girl you have cheated with who makes you 'melt' will not be around more than a year or two... you will never be able to trust one another either becuase your own relationship began in deceit, which is the main reason affairs fall apart when they come out into the open..

 

you say your wife 'changed' about a year ago, but also admit to an affair starting about 9 months ago... i think more likely, your feelings changed, and you started to see your wife in a different light because you became infatuated with another woman, and were willing to ditch a 'best friend' and wife of 7 years to pursue a new woman...

 

remember that infatuation does NOT last forever, and all that 'melting' you are doing for the new woman may be those 'new love' infatuation hormones...

 

the other thing is that affairs are fantasy relationships, that have an extra aura of excitement due to the naughtiness and thrill factor and the longing and limitations that not being able to see each other freely brings... so that may collapse as soon as your fantasy lover turns into a wife, and becomes routine like the rest of your world...

 

so i really suggest that you get some counseling to make sure you are making the correct decision... your wife is behaving in a very reasonable manner given that you have dumped her and not even really told her the TRUE reason, your infatuation with another woman and an affair... but most likely, she would end it anyway if she finds that out, so the marriage might be doomed, and don't expect her to be sympathetic when you have broken her heart... or be your best friends and take your calls in a couple years when your dream lover turns out to have feet of clay and that relationship breaks up too...

 

so really, i don't think you're a bad person, i just think that this loss of your marriage will be a far greater loss than you are thinking it is right now, and you might really regret it later, but we all make our own choices...

[Allen Jefferson]

Thanks for helping!

[Pisces_Princess]

It sounds to me like you have tested her to her very limits and you deserve to never see her again.

 

My ex has messed me about. Wants time, wants space, let's stay friends etc I was so desperate for every crumb that I would have agreed to anything. But just the other day I woke up and thought wait a minute...he wants time, he wants space fine he can have all the time in the world...but friendship no! My friends are decent, loyal people not people that pick you up and drop you when the going gets a little tough.

 

Leave her alone to get on with her life, you owe her that much. I am afraid it's your bed you will just have to lie in it or better still try being alone as you are potentailly hurting two women here not just one

[Allen Jefferson]

Thanks for helping!

[meantime]

Oh my gosh...you are behaving like a spoiled child. Go have your 'new' girl but how selfish to think you could have anything from your 'wife'. And remember, you get what you give...if this 'new' girl has no problems being with a married man now she won't have any problems cheating on you later.

[Pisces_Princess]

I don't have any suggestions except that your primary concern should be for her and her feelings. It seems like you feel a little sorry for yourself but at this moment in time she has to come first.

 

Have you thought about coming clean about your affair? If not why not? It seems that you don't want her to think badly of you or that she will stop thinking of you as anything other than this wonderful charming caring man that she first fell in love with. I feel like you want to come out of this without any blame on you.

 

Perhaps you should read the other threads of people going through what your wife is going through...it may give you some perspective on the pain and anguish you have caused her.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

If you had a wish, what would you wish for, what would you like to see happen?

[Allen Jefferson]

Thanks for helping!

[kellbell]

Well, perhaps a wish that has to do with the future, not what has already happened. Sorry if I was not clear earlier.

 

What I am getting at is if you had a wish of what you would like to see happen in furture, perhaps you can work towards for what you want. For example, if your wish is not to get a divorce and work things out with your wife, then that is what I would advise for you to do. Make sense?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

First of all, I would like to say that I am very sorry to hear about your father's illness. ALS is a dreadful disease. I spent 3 years working in a laboratory whose focus was on ALS. My heart goes out to you and your father. It sounds to me that you could not deal with your grief and shut your wife out of it. You shut off your emotions and just wanted to feel happy...what better way than to find a new woman in your life...the thrills, the excitement....sure beats dealing with the realities of your father's illness. Please remember that this so-called "love" you are feeling for the new women, is simply your escape from reality. You are not dealing with your emotions in a very productive way and causing a lot of pain to your wife...and ultimately down the road....to yourself. One day you will wake up and realize that what you had with this other woman was not really the good solid love that makes relationships work. It was fantasy in order to escape from a harsh reality. Your wife was the casualty...and yet she is the one who wanted to stick by you and be there for you in your time of trouble. The other woman just wanted a fun time with somebody else's husband. She has no class, has no values, has no morals, has no integrity, has no self-esteem. One day you will wake up to that fact. As your father declines in health and you start feeling your own mortality, the real depth of your mistake and how you treated your wife will hit you like a ton of bricks. You will have to face a lot (with regards to your father) in the next couple of years, eventually you won't be able to shut that out. The new woman is selfish and I wonder how supportive she will be when your time is taken up with helping your father through his illness. I think that is when you will realize the gem you gave up in order to have some excitement so that you don't have to deal with the harsh realities of what is to come with your father. Please, think long and hard about what you are doing. It is borne out of escapism, not out of any real sense of love. Your true love is with your wife.

[kellbell]

"As your father declines in health and you start feeling your own mortality, the real depth of your mistake and how you treated your wife will hit you like a ton of bricks."

 

Crazyaboutdogs is right on the mark here I am afraid. You and your wife have a very long and painful road ahead...for different reasons.

[blender]

So much wise, caring and thought provoking advice here. Perhaps it's time to take this all in, and go see a therapist and talk through what you "hope and wish" to respectfully happen in all this.

 

It is VERY possible to not only save your marriage, but for it to become even better than it has ever been, and I know it's scary to face your fears and to "make an effort" to repair that relationship, but for right now the most important thing is to get some quidance and take a look at "yourself" in all this and dig deep to find "why" you've made these choices and IF you really want to follow through on them, or just STOP for a moment and examine the "reasons" and to re-discover your "priorities".

 

There's no rush here to just "go ahead" with the new girl, or to "hurry up" and get out of your marriage.. choices regarding either of these relationship right now would not be wise...it would be so fulfilling in the long run to do some "discovery" for yourself before making a choice to just "throw in the towel" and follow one "mistake" with another, and another out of "fear" of facing your authentic feelings.

 

Is there any one whom you can go talk to? A professional? So you can really invest some time in making better choices for yourself, so you don't see impending regret in the future. Do the "self work" now, and you will find that it brings many rewards, joys, and revelations.

[onelittleladybug]

I kinda cant believe I'm about to say this but... If you want to save your marriage my advice would be to not tell her about the affair. And then - I think you should do whatever it takes to be completely on your own for a couple months. That would mean not seeing the gf and just seeing the wife once a week or so. Mostly just spending your time doing a lot of thinking. In your most recent posts you sound like you're feeling really guilty and also a little bit feeling sorry for yourself (sorry I'm not trying to be mean, just honest). The thing is all this guilt is not going to help either in rebuilding or building a relationship.

 

Ive heard all these things before about not being able to afford another place etc. Personally I think its mostly an excuse. Its amazing how people find a way to afford things when they are convinced they are doing the right thing. It sounds to me like you and your wife aren't completely willing to let go of each other.

 

Most of all you sound VERY confused. One minute youre raving about the gf and the next you want your wife back. Thats why I think you need to be totally alone for a while. You spend so much time thinking and going back and forth between those two women that you are completely losing focus on the most important thing which is you.