To be or not to be...Friends

[krnelson2]

So after a long two months of doing everything that people do to try and get their ex back, we have talked and she wants to try and be friends and "see where that leads". I have tried NC for awhile and although it made me feel better I couldnt help break it. This girl means the world to me and I want more than anything to have her in my life. But I cant get it out of my head that the only reason I want to be friends is to get her back and to show her that I am the one that she wants to be with. Is this bad? She said it herself that being friends might lead to something more, but she also said that she has been thinking about dating other people too. I told her that if she is going to be with someone else then I am out cause that would just be too hard on me. But in the meantime, is there anything wrong with being friends. The thing is I have been trying to be her friend for a few weeks now and although she is very busy, it seems that she is making excuses to not hang out and stuff like that. Case in point, I asked her to go to dinner this week sometime, or just hang out. She works till around 6 or 7 each night and told me that she is too busy this week to meet up. But 7 is not that late and would still give us a few hours at least to hang out. I still love this girl and would love to become friends again ( we were together for 5 years, and the breakup came out of the blue). Maybe there is a chance that she will see what she is missing? But I just get so sad when she wont see me and makes excuses. She makes time for all of her other friends and the guy she works with that she has been seeing a lot of lately, but its like she wont make time for me. I have talked to her about this, and she just says that she is really busy right now. I know there are a lot of people out there who have remained friends with their ex's so I guess I am looking to you for advice. Do I try and become friends and show her the person I have become, or do I just go NC and let her miss me. I havent seen her face to face in a few weeks and even then it was just running into her at the mall for a few minutes. Please let me know what you all think. If I should try and be her friend what are some suggestions as to what to do with her and how to handle being around her. Also, I dont want to say that she is rejecting my invitations, and I think I am just looking into it a lot more than I should be, but how do I go about being friends and hanging out while still giving her space and not seeming needy/clingy. Any advice would be really helpful. Thanks a ton!

[disgruntledbaker]

i say NC.

 

try and look at this from the outside. you're chasing a girl that told you flat out that she wants to be apart and to see other people. if something was going to come out of "the chase," it would have by now. all you're doing is making yourself smaller, both in your own eyes and especially in hers. would she have ever started seeing you 5 years ago if you were in a funk and chasing a memory?

 

take some time and get a grips of yourself. once you start doing things for yourself and not for "what might have been," it becomes obvious to everyone. everyone. that includes both the ex, and more importantly you.

 

the friendship thing... pursue it if you're sure thats what you want. i don't believe you could possibly know for sure thats what you want right now. you're still infatuated with the ex. thats not wrong, or even the slightest bit odd... but its bad for you at the moment. it influences your decisions and behavior in a self-destructive way.

 

me personally, i'm still holding some deep feelings for my ex regardless of how long its been since we've split. i know for certain theres no way i could be "just friends" right now; i would always want more. so im still keeping my distance and making no contact whatsoever. im getting a better idea of who i want to be in the process and what i would want from a girlfriend. its not all rainbows and butterflies, but its better than where i was... and where you seem to be now.

 

so yeah. NC.

[in_love]

My friend...

 

I have been broken up for 3 months now, we have fought more during the first month of our break-up than the entire 2 years we spent together.

 

I did the same for 3-4 weeks, all the stuff you do. I got a call from her on Sunday gone, it was something I didnt want to hear, she was on a date, she said it wasnt going anywhere bla bla... that completely sent me over the top. I became irrational and erratic, I started sending horrible texts to her at 5am (I was lying awake crying - as sad as it sounds). I went manic!

 

I was ok before the call, I mean I had been in NC from just before xmas and felt pretty good, that call and what was said (even though she didnt intentionally set out to hurt me) really, and I mean REALLY hurt me big time!!!

 

I wasnt a fan of NC, now I see what its about. I will be honest, the best thing you can possibly do is avoid all contact with her. Completely remove her from your life and stop worrying about getting back with her and do not be her friend, not until you can handle things.

 

No contact is the only way possible to heal. I wish I never spoke to her. I feel like I am back at day one fo the break up only this time it is worse, I mean I havnt felt this much pain in a long time.

 

Dont be a fool and break NC, just remove her from your life and avoid all contact with her. She doesnt want to be with you, if she did she would be with you. Why chase someone who doesnt want to be with and why be her friend when you clearly want more?

 

Dont go through the same as what I have just gone through and still am going through. It really messes EVERYTHING up.

[renaissancewoman101]

I would say, stay friends with her if you can handle watching her date other people and talk to you about her dates. That's what friends do. They are there for each other.

 

If you care about her and TRULY want a friendship, then it will be hard and it will hurt, but it will pay off in the end. Sometimes things dont work out and staying friends is a good way not to dump the out the baby with the bathwater.

[krnelson2]

Thanks for your opinions folks. I am really on the fence here as I still do have very strong feelings for her. But i have made a lot of headway since the breakup over two months ago. I dont chase her anymore, and I have learned to be happy with myself for the most part. I still think about her everyday, and how much she means to me, but its not out of desperation like before. I just think that maybe by starting a friendship will make her see what she is missing and give her glimpse of the new me. Its just so hard to not talk to her and not see her. I guess if we do plan on seeing each other I will always have it in the back of my mind that I want her back, but is there really anything wrong with that. I mean I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who have friends of the opposite sex who they have a crush on and never tell them. I want to start over from the beginning and show her that I am the person she fell in love with in the first place, and NC wont allow me to do that. She has been talking about dating other people for over two months now but hasnt acted on it. She told me that this guy she works with told her that he has feelings for her and asked her on a date, but she said no. If she was really thinking about doing it wouldnt she have done it by now? I dont know I guess I am just a little confused right now. If we are going to be friends though I need her to commit to it and work at it so that its not hard on either of us. But this girl has always been my best friend and the only girl I have ever loved, and not talking to her hurts really bad. If I can have her in my life in anyway I just feel that that will be a good thing, and who knows what will come out of it. If a couple months down the line we are doing well as friends then maybe we could take it a step further and go on a "date" who knows. Keep the advice coming I really appreciate it.

[evening_light]

Most people want to remain "friends" at the breakup to ease their "guilt"...

 

Yes it sounds good at the time, because we are willing to accept anything to be with them, but why should we accept scraps?

 

My opinion on this, is go NC, "heal" first, let some time pass, by then you will be able to rationalise your situation with your head instead of your heart....

[krnelson2]

I hear what you are saying evening light. I know she feels totally guilty for what she has done to me, she has said it over and over. But I truly think that she is genuine in saying she wants to be my friend. I dont know I guess I am holding on to "scraps" because right now thats all I can get. Could this whole friend thing prove to be disasterous in getting her back though, or could it actually bring us closer and possible rekindle what has been missing between us.

[krnelson2]

Ok how about this. I get together with her to talk about the whole friend thing. Maybe over dinner or coffee or something so we can talk about our true intentions of being friends. Then once I get a feeling as to what it is we both want from each other then I can make a decision. Is this a bad plan? Or would talking about our intentions only make things harder? Can being her friend bring her back to me? These are the questions I am trying to figure out. If there is any possibility of that happening then I am willing to put myself in that situation to find out. I have learned to handle my pain with positive responses and have learned to love myself. I am at the point where I feel that being her friend (until she decides to date someone else) would make me feel better. She told me this "you have and always will be my best friend and really the only person I have ever felt comfortable with" I just dont know. I am in a state of confusion right now with all the mixed signals I have been getting from her.

[Pisces_Princess]

I am in the same postion. Together 2 years living together 1 left me in October. I am in contact with him as I am in the process of moving my things out. Had to go back to my parents when split first happened but have just found a place of my own.

 

I miss him and everyday I have this horrible, sick feeling all the time. When I wake up for a moment I forget the situation, but then I realise its true and it is just like a living hell.

 

He wants to be friends and see what happens but I feel like this is just a consolation prize. I had a text msg yesterday saying "Lets be friends, I want you in my life and lets see what happens" But who's benefit is that for false hope for me so that I don't move on and reduction in guilt for him, so he looks like a nice guy?

 

Although the thought of not having him in my life is horrible, I think friendship at this moment in time will be worse because everytime he calls, or texts or visits I will just think please come back to me, please ask me to come home. So, once I have moved my things I am going NC for my sake to get my self esteem back and not be at his beck and call.

 

He isn't dating anybody else and will probably be alone for a while (a bit of a confirmed bachelor!) but if he meets somebody I certainly don't want to hear all about it.

 

Maybe in time a friendship is possible, but for now he is my ex and that's all. When your feelings are so raw and exposed you are too vulnerable to put yourself in the position of being potentially hurt again and again. Please protect yourself and your feelings. We are here for you. Let her chase you, if she wants you she knows where you are x

[krnelson2]

Thanks Pisces. I am starting to get the feeling from everyones replys that maybe friendship isnt the best thing. Last night I wrote her a long reply to a message she had written earlier in the day stating that she really hoped we could be friends if it "wasnt to hard on me". I told her that I was trying to be her friend but as of now it wasnt working. I told her that if that is what she truly wanted then she knows how to get a hold of me and to let me know what it is I need to do. I see where you are coming from, and I do feel that everytime we talked that I would be thinking that it was about getting back together and that would suck really bad. Its her birthday on Sunday and I want to take her to dinner, but if I start NC now that wont be possible. I feel that by not at least wishing her a happy birthday that it would hurt her. But i think everyone is right when they say NC is the best. I guess I just need to let her go and come to me when she is ready. What will she be feeling if I do decide on NC though. Will she miss me or just move on and forget all about me?

[in_love]

I feel that by not at least wishing her a happy birthday that it would hurt her.

 

She dumped you?

 

Did she think "hmmm... maybe if I dump him it will hurt him?"

 

NC!!! It is the ONLY way for you to

 

1) heal!

 

2) have any kind of chance of reconcilation with her - she needs to feel you GONE

[Pisces_Princess]

Well I am pretty sure that everybody here would say that NC is for you. To rebuild yourself, feel better and find out who you are and what you want. NC is not for the ex...easier said than done I know.

 

I guess you have been there for her and maybe she relies on that. Maybe it's time to make a change! How can she miss you if you are there for her whenever she is feeling low?

 

I know that I am the one who has fallen apart, telling my ex I love him, miss him want him back...did it bring him back? NO! He is happily getting on with his own life...YES!

 

But...now I have found an apartment he has started started contacting me asking about it, saying I sound excited about it etc and I am being very calm and very business like, just talking about collecting my things etc. He is the one who is saying how are you, how do you feel etc I just keep to the subject of moving out!

 

Maybe they have to feel the fear that we felt when they said 'it's over'?

 

When I move I am going NC all the way! Unless he wants to discuss getting back together the there is nothing he is going to say that I want to hear x

[renaissancewoman101]

I know NC is a hard thing and I am not a big advocate of it because it hurts both parties and doesnt always lead to reconciliation or even a friendship.

 

In your case, since you really are determined to establish a friendship with her and you know the risks you are taking and that this path can cause you to hurt and be in pain, but you are willing to do it because you still care about her, I would advocate that you do LC (Limited Contact), where you do still have contact with her, but not on that often a level as before. Let her miss you a bit, but also let her know you are still there and care about her and that the offer of friendship is still there.

 

NC may be the best way to bring her back, but LC is better since it leaves less broken hearts and hurt feelings and keeps the possibility open for a friendship.

 

I hate it when breakups also cause the end of friendships. It is as though if the person isnt compatible when dating, then all hopes of friendship have to be thrown out too.

 

Life is not as black and white like that.

 

There are shades of grey in between.

[krnelson2]

Yes she dumped me. But I dont hold that against her at all. She did what she needed to do and I respect that. Can anyone give me some stories of rebound relationships. She has been talking a lot about dating other people "to compare it to me" Both of us really dont have anything to compare our relationship to, and she feels that by dating someone else for awhile that she will see what she misses. What are rebounds all about. I know that statistically they dont last. Can anyone out there give me a feeling of the things she will feel if she gets together with this guy? What will the rebound actually accomplish? Will if truly make her see what she is missing with me. I would appreciate any advice from anyone who A.) has been in a rebound or B.) had their ex start a rebound. What kinds of things transpired from it. What were the outcomes, etc. She has been putting a lot of thought into this and I just dont want her to get hurt again by anyone else, but maybe thats what it will take for her to realize how good she had it before. How long do they usually last, and how long do you have to wait before its not considered a rebound anymore?

[Pisces_Princess]

Can't help there...

 

Both me and my ex will be single for a while I suspect...x

[renaissancewoman101]

Rebounds don't usually work out, from what I've seen before. I've never rebounded before because I dont have that many guys chasing after me. I have noticed this among my friends from my college days, that when a breakup occurs, the breakee is usually very hurt and confused and all that and will try to jump onto another relationship to assuage the pain. It makes the breakee miss the person they had before and makes the pain all that much more poignant, when it finally hits.

 

As for the breaker, I have also noticed that they also try to jump onto another relationship to avoid the guilt and pain of breaking up with someone, or else they think "the grass is greener on the other side". After the "honeymoon" period of the new relationship dissapates, the breaker is usually left with painful feelings of missing the ex, realizing the grass is NOT greener on the other side, and will miss the ex.

 

Then they usually come sniffing back around the ex trying to see what is going on and sometimes even asking for them back.

[krnelson2]

Thanks a ton guys, I just cant get it out of my head that after 5 years of being with this girl that she is willing to start new with someone else. We joked about marriage and having kids when we were together, and I guess that was always my dream. I have told her this (maybe it was a mistake to tell her that I always thought she would be the girl I would marry) and maybe it is scaring her, but I had to let her know how serious I was about our relationship. So now she knows. And I think her starting a rebound will only make her realize that everything we had and planned is what she wanted all along. I just cant get over the fact of her getting with someone else. I guess she needs to learn to miss me right now. How long does the honeymoon phase last usually. I know its different, and in our case it lasted about 2 or 3 years. But I cant wait that long for her to realize what it is she misses about me.

[spikespiegel]

krnelson, I had a rebound experience myself about 2 years ago. My first serious girlfriend of 1 year broke up with me, and I was devastated. Only a week or 2 after she ended things, I started hanging out with another girl ALL the time. We went out quite a bit, spent just about every other day together, if not every day, and got pretty serious pretty fast. It made me feel better about myself for a little while, because I knew that there was someone out there that DID want me, and I didn't have to deal with the emptiness from the breakup right away.

 

About 2 months into our relationship though, I went out of town for a few days, and was able to take a step back and see what was really happening. Basically, this new girl had stepped in and I was expecting her to fill my ex's shoes. I realized that everything that we had done together, I had been thinking about my ex, or even wishing that she were there instead of this new girl. I woke up and realized that wasn't fair to this girl, or to myself, so I called it off. She was hurt, and I felt really badly about that, but it was best to break it off then.

 

For several months after that, I finally was able to deal with the original breakup and start healing. I'm not sure how it is for the dumper going into a rebound, but I imagine that eventually their feelings will surface and have to be dealt with as well.

 

Hope that helps...

[krnelson2]

Thanks Spikes. Yeah that kind of answers my question and its exactly what I thought happens. I cant see myself dating anyone right now because I think I would just wish that it was me and my ex and I cant find it in my heart to do that to someone else. Noone deserves that. I know that if she goes through with a rebound that once the honeymoon phase ends she will see that this new guy has faults too and he isnt everything he is cracked up to be. But the way her personality is I dont think she will say anything (one of the reasons we broke up...NO COMMUNICATION) So I cant help feeling that she will just stay with him until it gets so unbearable and she has to do what she did to me. It just hurts me so much that after 5 years she isnt even willing to try and work things out with me. I mean I am only 22 years old and I was with this girl for 5 years. And now she is willing to just start over with someone else. She tells me that she misses the good times we had and all of that, but wont even entertain the idea of giving me a second chance, and that hurts. I just cant bear to see her hurt. This new guy she has become friends with is a co-worker of hers and they see each other at work quite often. She has told me that they are just friends, but they go out the bars on the weekends (along with a group of her other friends) people have started to ask me and tell me things about my ex and her new "boyfriend". Its just really hard to hear that stuff, and i guess that says that I am not ready to initiate a friendship with her right now. I just cant get over the thought of her dancing and kissing other guys.

[krnelson2]

Another question. Her birthday is on Sunday, do I send her a quick text wishing her a happy b-day, or ask her if she wants to go to dinner? Or just start NC and not do anything. I dont want her to think I dont care.

[renaissancewoman101]

If you feel that you "need" to send her a "happy birthday" text, then do so. If you, do LC for a while. If you can think honestly, what do you think her reaction will be if you send her a birthday text?

[arrrrffff]

krnelson, I feel you. My ex broke it off with me after 3 years, and it feels like she could care less about me. Shes' dating someone else right now, and yes it hurts. It is the most painful thing you will ever experience and you wonder how in the world your standing up right now.

 

You clearly want her back. I clearly want my ex back. I can tell you right now, there is in all likelihood no chance she wants to get back with you no matter what you do right now. The friends thing is a guilt driven tactic. She has everything to gain, and you will just degrade yourself.

 

Currently, I am proud to say I do not contact her at ALL. I do not read her blogs, nor do I care what shes up to right now. I am living my life.

 

You know once you bump into each other who knows. Maybe you'll get back together again. However, any possbility of that happening is NIL if when you meet, you are still sulking, an emotional wreck, and haven't changed one bit.

 

I'm sorta seeing someone. However, she will always be my #1. You date when you are ready.

 

Yes, you know what - DARN right I think of her - it's been 4 months. I ABSOLUTELY dream of her every DARN night and hug her blanket. I wake up and shes not there.

 

Yes I go through school, and work, and I will pahse in and out of memories.

 

It's hard. Darn hard. I've ignored ALL communication from her and her friends. It's 100% NC and it HEALS. Why in the world would I want to know that she's out with some other guy.

 

Who cares if my ex cheated on me before the breakup. Who cares why you broke u. Who cares about the loser who took her away from me... from you. Only they will come to terms with their own wrongdoings. It is not my job to hate them or to seek vengeance or what not.

 

I don't need to waste a SINGLE joule of energy or use one of my brain cells to think and dwell on her life. She said it best herself when she made the choice to breakup. GIVE IT TO HER!!!

 

But I'm doing it. You can too.

 

Think about it. What is contacting her going to do for you? Do you know how bad it would look on her if she said YES LET'S GET BACK TOGETHER NOW.

 

You can do 2 things:

 

a) Sulk. Feel depressed. Float on the water and do nothing with your life. Sleep and cry all day. Be unhealthy. ad infinitum. This is probably most of us after a breakup.

 

b) You can say to yourself. I now have all this time, and all this money that I don't have to spend on her anymore. I am going to work on myself. I'm going to smile, and be myself. And later on when she see's me she will go WOW... people will go WOW. Girls will go WOW. And by that time, who cares what she feels.

 

Right now you need to cherish what you had. It's time to be all you can be.

[krnelson2]

Hey thanks a arrrrffff! Your post was really helpful and it sounds like we have been through a lot of the same thing (as many people on here have). And it really sounds like we are kind of at the same poing right now and thinking the same things. The last couple days have been really good for me. I basically have started to think "who cares what she is doing right now" Thinking about that will only set me back, and if giving her space is what she wants then thats what she gets. I guess before I just had this illusion of what "space" was. I totally agree that her wanting to be friends is totally guilt driven, and thats not fair. She wants to have me in her life as a "safety net" and that I cannot do. It really feels like she wants the best of both worlds. By me giving her that I am showing her that I am willing to accept being second best, and Im not willing to do that. If she comes back then great I am here, but I am no longer worrying, hoping, expecting, etc that to happen. Just a quick question for you all. I will post this on one of the other threads too but thought I would throw it out here and see what you all think. Last night I met this cool girl at the bar. She gave me her number (something that hasnt happened in a long time) I want to call her and see if she wants to get dinner or something, but do I wait a few days or just call her today and see if she wants to go out tonight? I kind of want to get the ball rolling here, but dont know if maybe I should wait a few days. I know this is probably a rebound and I'm not looking for a long term relationship out of this, but it cant hurt right. And I am in no way setting myself up to hurt this girl, but want to get out there and see what we have to offer each other. After that happened last night I have felt soooooo good. Its the first time in awhile that I have felt wanted. And to have a girl show interest in me again makes me feel great. So what do I do?

[papalazarou]

I would call her and make plans to have a drink in a bar/coffee. Not dinner as that could be expensive - you have only just met the girl!

 

There is nothing wrong with having a "date" its not as if you are sleeping with them or anything like that.

 

But it will boost your confidence no end! It is also the "first step" to moving on and realising that there are other women out there that do find you attractive - at least physically to start with!

[krnelson2]

Thanks for the advice. I think i will give her a call later this afternoon and see if she is free tonight. A funny thing that might have made me look like an idiot though... It was at a bar that we met, and as the night went on I was starting to get kind of drunk. After she left, I sent her a text message later in the night saying "it was really nice to meet you, can I call you sometime?" I dont know if you are familiar with the Blue Collar Comedy Tour when Bill Engvall does his "here's your sign" bit but basically its about idiotic thinks people say in situations. After i sent it i thought, "why the heck would she have given me her number if she didnt want me to call?" HERES YOUR SIGN!!!