I guess I just need some support

[emrrn915]

Hi

I am new here and after reading some of the posts and advice I am hoping I am in the right spot.

My relationship with my BF is so messed up at the moment and it totally caught me off guard.

We actually met a year a go when he was home on leave from the military. We stayed in close contact with phone, email and visits over the first 7 months of the relationship. About 8 months in he stated that he loved me and I had truly fallen in love with him as well.

He has been home now for about 4 months and all was going well. We talked daily and saw each other a few times per week.

 

Lately he has just been getting more and more stressed. He came back to a job that he forgot he hated while he was away and the workload is astronomical, he has 3 kids..one of whom recently moved in with him and is having alot of problems that he is feeling like he needs to focus on. The other two still live with their mother but he feels guilty over having been out of their lives for the last 2 years. He finally got an atty to get the $$ thing with the ex straightened out and has found out that he has been overpaying by a large amt for the last 5 years due to his bending to her demands. She calls him weekly screaming for a variety of reasons and he seems unable to draw the line in the sand with her although the atty is a start

 

This week he has started to hit a wall and indicated that he just needs time and space. He says that he is completely in love with me but that he is unable to give me what he feels that he should be giving and I can tell this is causing him more stress. We broke up yesterday but then talked and he indicated that he does want me in his life but that he is having to learn to lighten the expectations that he is getting from everyone in his life so he can take care of all of the issues he is facing. I asked where that leaves us and he indicated that he wants to talk to me and see me but that he just needs time to clear stuff up. I have come to be close with his kids and whole family and he with mine. I am so confused as to what to do. I don't want to lose him but I don't want to be stupid about this either. I do have a full life.. job, kids friends and really I have never been accused of being a demanding GF, if anything my independence has caused some relationship problems for me with men that have wanted to smother me. We are supposed to get together Friday and see each other and I am not sure if that is a good idea or not?

 

Our relationship is good , we have much in common, we are both successful individuals and have it together (well mostly). His mom called me and said "I know how he feels about you, he loves you. He has told me that you are it". If I am it, why is pushing me away? I am the only person, other than his mom that isn't demanding a lot from him? I am totally in love with this guy and I thought that this was it as well. I need to set some boundaries with him but I am not sure where to begin. I do know that I need to be left out of the ex wife screaming/ atty link. It is his thing to deal with and dumping it on me only allows him to bring that into our life as well.

I need help.. how do I love and support him without making him feel as if he just has one more person that he is not making happy. Thanks (sorry for any typos)

[lunatic]

Hello and welcome to Enotalone.com

 

I have added paragraphs to your post. Thus making it easier to read your post and increases your chances for more responses. In the future please post in paragraph style in order to make it easier on the eyes.

[Meow18]

But is his choice making you happy? He doesn't want to be "with" you, but he still wants you in his life because he loves you?

 

You shouldn't have to lower your expectations either. You love him. He claims to be in love with you. Part of relationships are being with each other, even through the stressful times. It's times like these that can bring you closer..

 

You want to be in a relationship with him. You don't want him pushing you away because he's got a lot of stress from other areas in his life. That isn't what you want.

 

But he has obviously made the choice. He doesn't feel like he can give you what you deserve right now. But honestly, you don't deserve to be dragged around either. If he wants space, then that has to mean no contact. You shouldn't wait around for him.

 

I suggest meeting with him friday.. and really tell him how you feel. Just because he has stress doesn't mean that you have to suffer for it. But if he really wants space, then can you sit and wait around for him?

[Momene]

Regardless of whether he's alone, with you or with someone else, he has issues to sort out. He's not seeking space to try to get with someone else while keeping you in the background. That's the good news.

 

The bad news is that it's not always possible to take relationship breaks, go off for weeks, weekends, etc every time you have issues. You both have to somehow deal with your issues while maintaining the relationship. By all means be prepared to be less demanding if your partner has issues but don't expect to take a "break" every time someone has something that they need to sort out. Many (most?) married couples would spend more time on breaks than together if that were the case.

[emrrn915]

Thanks for the replies. I am just feeling so sad and lost right now. He was/ is a big piece of my life. Not my whole life but an important piece. I know if I push and act all insecure (which I am right now.. this is new for me), it will be the demise of the relationship. The problem is if I see him and talk to him it is going to be hard not to question things. If I totally remove myself from him, he is going to think that he has lost me forever and I don't want that either. It is going to be painful for me to see him but only have that little small piece. I truly believe that he does love me which gives me some hope. I am just unsure how to keep it together through all of this. Maybe I do question if he loves me since he is chosing to lighten some of his load by limiting our relationship. I hate this, my heart is broken and I am not sure if it should be or not... wow, I really am confused aren't I?

 

Thanks

[Meow18]

I don't think it's a matter of whether or not he loves you. I think he's just confused and stressed. And obviously he can't quit his job because he needs money, and he can't not see his kids.

 

So the only thing he knows to do is see less of you because that's the only thing he can control in his life.

 

But that doesn't make it fair for you and you definitely shouldn't be pushed lower on his list. And my guess is that he understands that and is the reason he wants this break.

 

There isn't anything you can do besides respect his choice. You can let him know how you feel, but you can't make him do anything or change his mind..

 

But if you do give him space, he might realize that he needs you during this tough time and will want to get back with you.

[Jeffrey2095]

Hello emrrn915,

 

Overall, it sounds as though your relationship is okay, inspite of the ex and other outside pressures.

 

He might just mean what he said, that he needs to clear up some issues, and maybe he is trying to do this so you guys can have a relationship unhindered by these things.

 

Personally, I would go ahead and meet him on Friday. (Maybe holding your concerns here in reserve, at least until he has a chance to address his problems.)

 

Keep in mind, that he recently got out of the military, which can be a stressful situation, even without being in combat, and there is a readjustment period that could take time... so be patient. (In the military, you are always ready to go into combat, and it is always on one's mind.) (I'm a vet, so I feel somewhat qualified to speak about that.)

 

You sound like you are sensitive to his problems and that is great support! Just don't let it eat you up.

 

Hang in there and try to be patient. It sounds as though the wait will be worth it.

 

Good luck, and best wishes to you both!

[emrrn915]

Thanks for all of the replies. I think that I need some time on this one as well. He has asked for some space and I love him enough to give that to him. I also think that I need some space in order to come to terms with the fact that he so willingly let part of our relationship go. I am sad and I am angry. I know that the anger stems from the hurt. I am probably too raw to see him this Friday. I will end up sad and feeling worse and consequently he probably will too since I will solidify the fact that he is unable to meet everyone that he loves needs. I have already told him that I would come over on friday so that we can talk and I am not sure how to get out of that without making him feel like I am abandoning him.. any ideas? But honestly for my own well being I am thinking it is not something that I should do just yet. I need to work out some of these feelings and he needs to deal with all of the crap that is making him crazy. Until he does so, we are not going to have anything worth having.

[Meow18]

I think you should call him and tell him you don't want to come over Friday. Let him know that you are going to respect his decision to need space, and that you have thought a lot about it and think that space requires little or no contact.

 

He needs to get his life straightened out before he can have a relationship with anyone.

[emrrn915]

You know part of me wants to pull away from him but then I really started thinking and he is so overly stressed. Really everything that is causing him to hit the wall is fixable but I am not sure in his current state he can see that and I think he has hit a point where he is almost paralysed in just taking it one step at a time. I think I have two choices.. One is to just back off and abandon him the other is to step up to the plate and help him identify what small changes can be made and help him to make those things happen. I do love him and while bailing is easier and probably safer for me to do, I do not want to do that. There are things that I can make happen that will help ease his load. I can take the cats to be fixed and make that appt. I can find a good psychologist for his son (I am in the medical profession) and even help with transport since that is an issue with his work. I can do these things if I chose since I do love him. He is really hitting the wall and I do not think he even knows where to begin. I really don't require anything from him right now. I do kow that he loves me I just think he has no more coping skills in his "bag". The cup is empty. In some ways, as I said, it would easier to just leave him and solidify that he can't make me happy the other is to just help with the solutions and really that is what makes a relationship a relationship. Up until a week ago, ours was strong and I can only hope that if I ever hit the wall the way that he has, I will have someone to help me. I have thought about this all day and I do think that he needs space but none of this is about the 2 of us, it is about the craziness of his life. I require nothing at the present time and is in crisis. As a person that loves him I will put aside my needs to help him....

[emrrn915]

Well I am hoping that we are on the road to recovery. I spoke with him last night and basically said, I am not part of the problem, I am part of the solution. I keep asking what I can do to help but I do not think that you can even tell me what I can help with so I have identified a couple of ways that I can lighten your load..then I named off a few things that I can take on, to take them off his plate. He sounded relieved and happy. It is probably the nurse in me.. we are a bunch of fixers. I realize that I can not fix it all for him and I will not try to do that but some of the peripheral things are little tasks and as a whole with the big and the little issues he is definitely in crisis. Obviously I am not going to be able to require much from him and that is not going to work for me for the long term but in the short term, as I said, I am willing to put some of my stuff aside to help him through this. He is a great guy and I just think that he has went a long for years trying to keep everyone happy and it all crashed down on him. That coupled with the recent return from the military where everything was taken care of right down to his socks, has made him less able to deal with it all. Any input would be welcomed.. Thanks

[Jeffrey2095]

Hello emrrn915,

 

It sounds as though you are making progress. You were able to tell him some things, and voice your concerns without adding more to his load.

 

It is true that in the service everything, (much anyway) is taken care of, so coming home can even be a little stressful too. (There is no question of domestic things being covered, ie, housing, meals, utilities and yes, even socks and underwear. )

 

I would just suggest that you keep your eyes and heart focused on the prize, be patient and realize that most of your problems are coming from outside the relationship, things that may not neccessarily be in either of yours control.

 

Hang in there Florence, (Nightingale)

 

Peace

[emrrn915]

Thanks for the support, Jeffrey. I appreciate it.

It is difficult because I am only human and in a relationship we all want to protect ourselves and minimize our loses but if I walk away/ pull away what does that say to him? We have had a "vacation type" relationship traveling all over while he was deployed. It was basically the two of us now real life is rearing its ugly head and the bond is being tested to a certain extent. I plan to be in this relationship for the long haul and up until a few days ago he was right there with me. Even last night he managed to tell me that not only does he love me, he is very much in love with me. I think sticking by him will be the best. It will show him what I am made of and I won't ever have to think that I have not done my best and given him as much as I can.

Florence huh?.. probably not off the mark too much. I have spent the last 15 years helping to put people back together in a busy ER. I just have to apply some of that knowledge to the people around me.. not always easy.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

If he has been recently deployed in the military, and gone through a divorce, and having trouble with children, and having a stressful job, that is a lot on his plate... depending on where he was deployed, he might also be suffering from PSTD and just be overwhelmed...

 

I would try to focus on the inherent qualities of the relationship, and whether you think this is a temporary situation with him and something that will get better as the problems in his life are resolved...

 

and do you have issues and real worries that you are being used by him because you a a 'helper' personality and he is too needy? that is a separate issue that you might want to analyze yourself... all love is really helping, as long as it is not *enabling* him in some situation where he is using you...

 

to me, it doesn't sound like he is using you now, just overwhelmed by the circumstances in his life, and shutting down a bit.... i'd give him a bit of space and see what happens...

[emrrn915]

I am very cognizant of the enabling/ co dependent issues. Having been in a long term relationship with an alcoholic and then turning around a marrying another I know that I can be an enabler. After my divorce i went through 8 months of counseling to help me identify what in me requires someone that needs saving and I was faced with my need to feel needed and thereforeeee some perceived power. Now it is almost as if I am all too aware and won't give at all lest I fall back into that.

You are correct, I do not feel as if I am being used and I have drawn some boundaries with myself and with him as to how far I will go into his stuff. If I "take care" of it all that will define our relationship and I do not want to be the care taker. It is a fine line and one that I need to be watching for, especially considering my tendencies.

He was state side this deployment so I don't see any evidence of PTSD, thankfully.

I will not abandon him but I also will not abandon myself to his life.. been there, done that. This is porbably the best relationship I have ever been in. For the most part, we are both healthy emotionally. He seems to be doing a little better, taking some small steps to rectify all of the situations in his life. I will be patient.... Thanks