How to tell her? (Long because it has to be.)

[anonyme]

She is my girlfriend, and I really do care about her and her feelings, but I know it has to end now. The following "novel" explains why. I'm hoping for help on how to be most tactful and have this be least devastating for her.

 

 

 

Feb: 16-year-old virgin, tra-la-la... haven't even kissed a girl for reals. I move to New City from Old City.

 

June: 17 now, I hook up with this also-virgin (henceforth, Girl) who's dated a bit but hasn't fooled around much at all at all. we fool around some and go farther with each other than we have with anyone else.

 

Still June: I go back to Old City for the summer with the intention of coming back in August.

 

August: I decide that I'm staying in Old City and break up with Girl to avoid dragging out a relationship that, I thought, was doomed to fail anyway.

 

September: At a party, where everyone was all stoned 'n' liquored up, this girl who I liked to hang out with but didn't really like (henceforth, Crazy) ended up giving me a HJ. feelings were hurt later on, but that's not what this is about.

 

Late October: Me and Girl had still been talking this whole time (never told her about September incident). While kind of depressed 'n' wondering whether my decision to move back was worth it, I decide to get back together with Girl, at least on the internet.

 

Even Later October: both of us slightly intoxicated somewhere, Crazy corners me and makes me kiss her.

 

Early November: After some party me and Crazy fool around for real. a lot. BJ. For a day or two afterwards, too. I finally wake up and realize I'm "spoken for" I should keep the hell away from this temptation. More of her feelings hurt. I don't think she's speaking to me anymore. Oh, well.

 

Late November: kiss some girl at some other party. next.

 

Winter Holidays: Still with Girl, I go visit her and family I have in New City. We have loads of fun and go way farther (not all the way, but i'll spare you all the same). We had the time of our lives, but the entire time I was slightly bothered by the fact that I can't stay together with this girl, long-term.

 

 

Now, by earlier December I had been contemplating breaking up with Girl again, for good, and though being with her was great, I know it can't last, and I want to break up even moreso. She wants us to spend the rest of our life together, and while I can't say that I don't want that without making her think I don't care for her at all (no, really, I tried to not talk about the future that much and she took it that way), that really put me off. She talks passionately about this life plan she has that totally doesn't coincide with mine. Lately she's been talking about how she loves me enough to compromise, but really I just want to break it off so that neither of us has to.

 

Also, I'm pretty sure she'd hate me for all those things that I did with Crazy. I can't even justify those, but I know that it's not fair to Girl to keep all that a secret when she loves me so much (yeah, she dropped the l-bomb. even the i'm-in-l-with-you bomb, which I said I'm not quite ready to return).

 

Now the reason why this is a crisis is that she wants to move to Old City for college to be near me, and I feel that while I could definitely live with a relationship with her for another little while (if only not for the ''forever'' crap), I can't be responsible for her uprooting her life like that if I can't commit to this dang relationship, and especially if I haven't been truthful with her about my, um, indiscretions.

 

What makes matters worse is that because I tangled myself in a horrible web of lies I now look like I'm just as committed to the relationship as she is (minus the "let's-get-married" junk -- it just looks like I'm committed for at least the four years of college, with hopes that it'll continue on beyond), so it'll be a horrible shock to her if I just up and say I want to split.

 

How do I tell her what I've just told you? I want to spare her feelings as much as possible, but to make it final at the same time. Of course, I don't want to look like a horrible person (which I arguably am), but that might be inevitable, and even good for her to have me to blame and not herself.

 

I think a reason why I may not have been able to slow down and tell her no when she kept making deeper and deeper emotional investments in me is because a) I wasn't thinking and was lost in the moment of having someone who truly, deeply cared for me and b) when I realized that we want different things I felt like I physically couldn't let her, who feels like she has no one else in this world, down. It may as well physically hurt me to cause emotional pain to others. So, um, screwed.

 

Please, keep hate to a minimum, I know my actions sucked. I'm learning my lessons. Just any helpful advice you can give me with the easiest break-up imaginable for Girl, so that she can move on with her life. Maybe just being truthful about my indiscretions would be enough for her to "cut me loose". Though she tells me all the time that she "will never leave me".

 

I'll be checking back frequently and providing clarifications, should they be requested.

[Jeffrey2095]

Hello anonym,

 

Gee,this is a tough one.

 

I think that honesty would be your best policy, even though it probably will hurt her.

 

I don't think she needs to know about your little fling, so I would spare those details.

 

Perhaps you should tell her you are afraid of the commitment. It is pretty common and would sound like something plausible.

 

This is part of the game of love.

 

Now, you could make up something that would spare her, you'll have to decide. (And be careful.)

 

Good luck

[Siriana]

1. Never mention to her about your flings, any of them!

2. Brake up with her, and do NC not we are just friends BS

[lipostudio]

I was in a relationship similar to yours as Girl when I was in high school, for my senior year. He couldn't find a way to tell me and waited until I'd moved to the other side of the country for college. It was ugly. He kept giving me the contact that I wanted because he felt bad for hurting me.

 

Tell her sooner rather than later, but avoid telling her at a time such as finals or something else big in her life that it could really screw up because she's going to be very upset for a while. Obviously tell her before the college applications and decisions are done.

 

Sit her down, tell her you've had trouble committing to your relationship, tell her about the incidents with the other girl, tell her you care about her a lot and have appreciated the way she feels about you, but feel you can't be with her.

 

Don't give her false hope, like that you might be able to stick it out for a while longer or that you might get together again when you're older. Be clear. Be direct. Be honest. Tell her why you don't want her to move near to you to go to college, unless that's the best college she gets into and it really is the right choice for HER, nothing to do with "us".

 

And then, for goodness' sake, explain to her what no contact is and stick to it, rigidly. The breakup forum will tell you what NC entails if you don't already know.

 

It will be hard for her. She'll cry. She'll be incredibly upset. You're going to hurt her immensely. But the sooner she knows, the sooner she'll be able to start working through it and make college a fresh start with a guy who can commit to her and be faithful to her.

[langford]

Tell her you're 17 and don't know what you want out of life yet,that's a fair and justified reason.

[anonyme]

I especially appreciate Lipostudio's advice, as her situation was quite similar. However, Girl and I are presently quite far away from each other, so any break-up chat would have to be over the phone, and that might be a little tougher, especially to bear the crying.

 

Oh, the crying. I understand that it is unavoidable, but how can I listen to that and still be able to sleep at night? At what point is the conversation really over? I can't hang up on her when she's crying, can I? And how will I be sure that she will make it through all right?

 

How do I even bring it up? I mean, one moment she will be happy that she gets to talk to me after a day of school/work/etc, and the next... dang. A guide or walkthrough of the process would be helpful. So far I've got No Contact, and keeping the fling to myself that I will follow, but I feel like I'll freeze up on the spot and do something wrong when I gather the courage to start.

[Ellie2006]

Hey there,

I agree w/ Lipostudio's advice as well: tell her as soon as you can but please spare her from unnecessary details that are bound to devastate her even more.

 

If the break-up conversation must take place over the phone, how about concisely writing down what you would like to tell her and reading it to her? Following this "script," so to speak, will keep you from freezing on the spot and/or divulging the abovementioned details when she presses you for more info.

 

On a side note, though you made mistakes, I think it speaks volumes that you are trying to address this matter in a way that is the least hurtful for "Girl," and I commend you for that. Please don't put it off for too long so that both you and "Girl" can begin the healing process.

 

Good luck to you.

[Boughs]

Don't give her false hope, like that you might be able to stick it out for a while longer or that you might get together again when you're older. Be clear. Be direct. Be honest.

 

Be clear and be direct. TELL her your choice, don't let her know your choice. That is something that is VERY hard to do.. especially if you haven't done it before.

 

Tell her why you don't want her to move near to you to go to college, unless that's the best college she gets into and it really is the right choice for HER, nothing to do with "us".

 

And then, for goodness' sake, explain to her what no contact is and stick to it, rigidly. The breakup forum will tell you what NC entails if you don't already know.

 

Yes, tell her exactly what NC means. Tell her its for BOTH of your growth. Always remember that NC is for the BOTH of you. However each other views it, is their own personal decision... but in the long run, it heals/helps both.

 

 

It will be hard for her. She'll cry. She'll be incredibly upset. You're going to hurt her immensely. But the sooner she knows, the sooner she'll be able to start working through it and make college a fresh start with a guy who can commit to her and be faithful to her.

 

Everyone gets these "first love" breakups. You might be hers, hell you might be 3-5 other girls... you just have to bow out as gracefully as possible. The way you break with her now, you will think about everytime you break with a new girl. Do it kindly and justly this time, and your next times will be easier. And remember REMEMBER

 

Be clear and be direct. Personally I wouldn't tell her about the things you did.