Finally accepting my lonliness.

[CynicalGuitarist]

Here's a recent myspace blog I wrote:

 

It's an even more difficult task than most people think. While I see almost everyone around me connected to eachother, I see myself... the nail sticking out... the spider in the snow... trying to convince myself that I may not like this... but it was meant to be. Connection cannot exist without lonliness... so I guess I was chosen to be the cold fish to balance out all the warm, mushy cute stuff couples frequent.

 

Only the truly lonely can know what I speaketh of.

 

It was so difficult to accept... I didn't want to be "different" in that respect.

 

Like a spoiled kid trying to come to terms with the fact that Santa Claus doesn't exist... I, at first, went through that logical stage of denial. I thought, naively, that there would be someone out there for me... yet day by day... time snails through and that ends up sounding as asinine and sugar-coated as what my family and friends always tried saying to make me feel better... "You're not ugly!" "Don't listen to what they say... you're cool!" "You are so smart" or "You are so handsome!" please... stop. While I understand why you are lying to me, it doesn't help. As a friend of mine (who is as lonely as I, and wise beyond his years) cleverly put it "lies don't solve anything unless you are the federal government".

 

Anyways... it's been tough, miserable, and almost more than I can bear... but I'm starting to become more accustomed to my lonliness... after all, I've got no time for any love. I'm trying to start a band and attempt to find success in the only area I don't completely suck at. I also don't want to skrew this semester of school up, because at the rate I'm going right now, I'll likely be stuck at home until I'm 26... if I'm not booted out on the streets before then...

 

But hey. It's all my fault. Why should I complain? That's life. It's good for few, fantastic for even fewer, mediocre for most, and very crappy for the rest.

 

"Women are like toilets. Most of the good ones are taken, most of the rest are full of crap, and you aren't the only one that needs one." -A twist on an old saying

[puff.tm.dragon]

Yup, we both got hit with the ugly stick. Damn apes.

[Ated]

What makes you feel lonely? The message I'm getting is cos you don't have a gf?

 

Im the same age as you are. And I'm going through a rough time at the moment. I dated this guy for 3 weeks and things just wnet down hill with our friendship and its been hell. I sometimes wish (well, more frequently now) that we should have never met!

 

What I'm trying to say is, relationships are hard work. Being in a relationship is great, when both love each other. But i do knwo that a lonely heart is better than a broken one.

 

Im glad that you want to focus on your studies and ur band though. Its a good distraction and an excellent way at making urself feel better!

[ElegantOverkill]

I know what your going through man i feel your pain. I too am lonely as crap right now! It sucks! More than anything in the world. It will change! We must be positive! We WILL make it! I have next to noone in my life and it hurts all to hell! I do know that it will change for us, it just takes time. Understand that we are low for a reason. Maybe that reason is for us to focus on ourselves for a bit. Keep up with that band and work on your school. Set goals for yourself and work to accomplish them. In due time that someone will find you and you will "connect". I know its hard but dont be down on yourself. I hope this helps.

 

"There's one more thing

I forgot to tell you

Worries and doubts

Will only help you

In the long run

You'll shadow the ones below"

[Ated]

Puff, U R NOT UGLY! U got a great smile heheh

[puff.tm.dragon]

That's not really me, this is what I REALLy look like:

 

link removed

[easyguy]

If you analyze yourself honestly, identify and examine your weaknesses, and then have the ambition to change, you will surprise even yourself. But if you sit in despair and introspect on why you must feel this way, then the car stays at idle and never moves. I used to feel pitiful knowing that I was single and forever useless in society. But times have changed, and I see things in a new light. Lonliess is such a hollow word. To be independent, accept it, and find a way to enjoy it is a feat in itself.

 

There is nothing wrong with you, CynicalGuitarist. You have just adopted an ugly perception about life, and like myself -- who used to be in your shoes -- a transformation in attitude alone is what will cause you to see your words in this thread as foreign.

 

And if it makes you feel any better, I am single (and have been my whole life), a year older than you, and love life rather than hate it.

[CynicalGuitarist]

What makes you feel lonely? The message I'm getting is cos you don't have a gf?

 

Im the same age as you are. And I'm going through a rough time at the moment. I dated this guy for 3 weeks and things just wnet down hill with our friendship and its been hell. I sometimes wish (well, more frequently now) that we should have never met!

 

What I'm trying to say is, relationships are hard work. Being in a relationship is great, when both love each other. But i do knwo that a lonely heart is better than a broken one.

 

Im glad that you want to focus on your studies and ur band though. Its a good distraction and an excellent way at making urself feel better!

 

No, it's because I've never had a girlfriend at all and those shallow freaking (insert various demeaning obscenities here because ENA won't let me swear) women would constantly mess with my head, but when it came to the real 5h1t, they never gave me the chance or the time of day.

 

Sometimes it's easy to accept the fact that I'll be alone forever... other times, I just want to die. Right now... I think my death is imminent. The world will be a much better place without me.

 

Not only that, but most of my friends are totally fake around me. I'm willing to listen to their woes, no matter how stupid and asinine I think they are, yet when I want to talk to them, it's like trying to contact !@#$ing deepthroat!!! Thus, I spend most of my time by myself to save myself the misery.

[CynicalGuitarist]

Yup, we both got hit with the ugly stick. Damn apes.

 

I don't know what the 5h1t you're complaining about... you don't look ugly at all.

[CynicalGuitarist]

"I've been in your shoes" Sorry, but I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE it whenever people tell me that. Nobody's been in my shoes. In fact, it makes me feel worse whenever people tell me. Nobody knows what it's like to be me except me. I've tried the "transform your attitude" crap, and that just puts powdered sugar over the pile of 5h1t. I AM going to commit suicide... I'm just enjoying the rest of my life before I finally pop.

[puff.tm.dragon]

before you kill yourself, make a list of things you want to do before you die and do it

[CynicalGuitarist]

before you kill yourself, make a list of things you want to do before you die and do it

 

Well... hang gliding is definitely at the top... maybe there'll be a freak accident and I won't havta kill myself... talk about two birds with one stone!

[Ated]

Your still young and you just havent been meeting the right people... Im assuming they are ur age too yeh? They are yet to mature

 

Pls don't kill yourself. Believe me, U seem cool. I'd hang out with ya anytime and i really mean that.

 

As for girls? You ned to have your heart a few times to really appriciate the person that will end up making you happy. Think of this as a game, look at the girls that didn't give u the time of day and analyse why THEY don't deserve YOUR time...

 

Like others said, just focus on urself and love yourself. I know its hard because of how ur environments treated you so far... but hang in there! You can make this as a learning experience. Learn what YOU DONT WANT in a women or your friends...

[ElegantOverkill]

I love Dredg btw what other bands do you like??

[AhypnoticSuggestion]

Do I feel your pain? Am I in your shoes? Not 'effing likely; I've got my own problems and insecurties. But you seem hopeless, and in that sense we're on the same boat. We're the scrum of the earth...ugly, useless, and bitter to no end.

 

Ah..but personally, I've always had a problem with quitting. Given my habits, I'd say I have about 35-40 more years left, and probally about 6-7 more years for me to get a girlfriend before I'm too far gone down the disgusting path. So what the F? I'll give it a try. Why not? I can deal with being pathetic now, and failure will hurt but it isn't anything I can't handle. The odds are against me for being happy-I curse the skies everyday and beg for an answer as to why..why did I have to be dealt such a bad hand? -but there must be some chance of it, and despite how pessemistic I am, I will continue searching.

 

I hope it gets better for ya.

[CynicalGuitarist]

I love Dredg btw what other bands do you like??

 

Lovin' the TooL quote (another one of my favorites)

 

lets just say I don't like many bands that are considered MTV friendly...

 

Porcupine Tree, Mister Metaphor, King Crimson, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, The Mars Volta (their first album and EP though), At The Drive In, The Dismemberment plan, Sparta (only the first album though), Dream Theater, Frank Zappa, Pattern is Movement, Joe Pass, Smashing Pumpkins, Yes, Bumblefoot, Buckethead, A Tribe Called Quest, anything involving Del Tha Funkee Homosapien, Jurassic Five, Mr. Bungle, Matisyahu, Radiohead, RATM, The Beatles, Santana, Vince Guaraldi, Primus, C2B3, Marley, Miles Davis, Cheech and Chong... only to name a few on my iPod playlist.