Anger, Worry, Jealousy. Lots of the latter.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

My boyfriend took me to college this morning, and is now driving to see old university friends (he graduated last year, some of them who took a gap year are still there in their final year). He's going to go to a club they used to go to pretty regularly when they were all at university together, staying at a friend's house, and driving back tomorrow.

 

I don't have a problem with it. These are friends he's known ages, and he's been out with them several times since we got together, nothing untoward has happened, he usually (in fact, always) ends up calling me at 1am drunk and raving on about how much he loves me.

 

However, I am currently in the midst of a depressive, paranoid episode and I am *convinced* he'll find a replacement.

Perhaps not least because when I used to go out it was almost always to cheat on my then-signif other-so I know I'm paying for it now, as I know what people can do when out.

 

Because I used to do it.

 

Never mind that he's nothing but flawless and excellent to me. Never mind that he abhors cheating. Never mind that alcohol makes him MORE loving, not less.

 

Oh, okay I admit it - I'm jealous. Of him - of him having a group of friends like that to go on an ordinary night out with.

 

One way and another, I don't have that. I should have been at University myself this year but I didn't because, long story short, I screwed 1-2 years of my life up.

 

Its a horrible reminder. Its also a reminder of how he finished his degree soon after we got together, but I have 3 years ahead, potentially, of trying to fit university AND him together. I'm so envious that he won't/doesn't have to do that.

 

I hate being so jealous of him, but I can't help it. It reminds me of everything I don't have and can't seem to enjoy (I really WANT to be able to socialize etc but I just can't, I have serious panic attacks) basic/usual activities.

 

Someone stop me wanting to hit something.

 

(And its not possible for me to ever go out with these people, its 1-2 hours away and I have college. He's unemployed and frankly doesn't need to work.)

[Siriana]

Well at least you know it has nothing to do with him, your jelousy is all about you as you wrote it here.

 

So be a little jelous but don't make him suffer because of that.

[kb109]

Wow, this really hits close to home for me. Before I give you my opinion, let me first say that I also have frequent depressed & paranoid episodes. I take medication for anxiety and depression and I also have panic attacks like you do. But anyways...you said that he is wonderful to you, so you really don't have anything to worry about. I know you are jealous that you do not have a group to regularly go out with, but do you make it that way? When he is out with his friends, just stay home and rent some good movies, take deep breaths, and know that everything is going to be fine. And another thing, since you have panic attacks when you try to socialize have you ever thought of maybe going to a therapist? I know you have probably heard that a million times, but honestly, if you find a good one that isn't a total douche bag you would be surprised what they can do. There is a cure for this type of thing, and if you commit to it, you will be able to go out and socialize like your boyfriend does. I know I make it sound so easy, but just trust me on this one.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I've tried therapy, and shrinks.

 

Its alright, I don't make him suffer, I know its all my problem. I have no reason to think he'd cheat on me at all, I'm the one more likely to do that, in a general sense.

 

Its mostly just feeling inferior to anyone who has a good hold on a nice moderate healthy social life. Nothing more/less.

[Siriana]

Nice moderate healthy social life. Thats soooo relative.

 

My ex was extrovert, he was great in socializing, people adored him. Guess what? He was completely unable to sustain mature relationship and he was 30.

Than again some people socialize and they are bored to death while doing that.

 

I think you are doing the best you can. You are having a very good bf, you are much better than you used to be and you are in school.

Of course challenging yourself in small portions (that you can bear and that you can succeed in) is always great. Maybe meeting one of your goof bf friends in familiar teritory (like next to door coffie house, your bf house)?