tired of it being all one way

[Daligal83]

This is just a general rant more than anything. I'm just sick of forming friendships that revolve around them telling me their problems. Not to say that I don't appreciate them confiding in me and being able to help them, but it seems like a lot of these friendships ONLY involve them telling me their problems. They may do the standard "hey how are you" thing, but then go right into their own issues. If I try to bring up anything that's going on with me, they give me short answers that don't really mean much or just start making jokes. I just don't get why it keeps happening.

 

I do have great friends who I listen to and who listen to me, so I'm not lacking in support. I'm just sick of this happening over and over again. I'll give an example that made me start this rant.

 

My friend IMed me today, and this friend constantly IMs me about his life. He likes to give me "updates" even though nothing has actually happened. He doesn't ask what's going on with me, how school is going, how I'm dealing with my LDR, etc. It's all about him. And he constantly has to say how great of a person he is. Like he's looking for a job and isn't having luck, and he says that they need to wake up and look at his qualifications. It's not a huge deal, but it just bothers me. It's like he has to say it to make it true (not that I'm saying he's not a smart and qualified guy).

 

Anyway...he asks what I'm up to and I said eating lunch. He goes, I should do that and my reply was yea food is good. He goes, alright "I'll let you go do that then, I'll updated you on my situation later I guess...." OK, it's not like he said can we talk and then I blew him off. And why must I constantly be available so he can update me? Seriously, nothing happened! He said he was packing to move. I know he's moving. I know he doesn't have a job yet. Why would he get upset about wanting to tell me things he's already told me?

 

I know this all sounds trivial and that I'm making a big deal out of nothing..but it's just one example. I have so many people in my life that complain to me about what goes on in theirs and belittle or don't care about me. One last example and my rant is over...

 

At the end of last semester I had planned on going to see my boyfriend after my last class, but then my ride wanted to leave the next day and I couldn't take the bus there cause it left in the middle of my class. I was upset cause I hadn't seen him for 3 weeks and I knew we'd do nothing in class, yet the professor couldn't say if we'd get out early or not. I couldn't do anything about it, but I was just frustrated. I tried to vent to a friend about this and her reply was "Can I just stop you for a second and remind you that you just saw him over thanksgiving?" I'm like, "But that was 3 weeks ago." She goes "Yea but you've gone longer." I'm said, "You flipped out when your boyfriend had to go out of town for two days." She goes, "Yea..but we live together."

 

So...it's ok for her to miss her boyfriend but not me. All because they live together. That makes it more valid? Could she not just empathize with me here? I mean we are training to be social workers..empathy is kinda key.

 

If anyone has actually read this rant, thank you. I just needed to let it out.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi Daligal,

 

I know what you mean - I used to have that happen to me a lot when I was younger, friends venting to me endlessly about their problems. People do confide in me a lot (I think it's because I ask questions and don't judge!) but I have stopped being that kind of sounding board to everyone. I think I realised when I hit 30 that some 'friends' used me as emotional support without ever giving it back, and that's not true friendship in my opinion.

 

For me, a rule of thumb has been - do my friends generally make me feel good about seeing them or not? Because I did have friends who used me, and I realised that they weren't friends, they were emotional vampires. Without being horrible, I got a lot tougher - can't explain it, I just became less available, if that makes sense? Because of course I want to listen to my friends and support them, but not at the cost of my own life. I had one friend in particular who would call me night and day, and I realised when I was going through a very bad patch that she wasn't there for me in turn. It was a difficult thing to realise, but I ended up withdrawing from the friendship, and that was a real eye-opener.

 

It's a difficult act to get right, between empathising and being a good friend, and being a doormat to people who don't ever extend that support back. Good luck - and I thought you phrased your 'rant' very well - very articulate!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The unfortunate thing is that as you get older, you realize there are a lot more of those type of people in the world than the ones who reciprocate empathy and listening. I have ended plenty of "friendships" over the years because I am the one who listens and helps out, but when I was in need, these people walked away or trivialized my problems. I do have a few solid friends and I focus on that, not on the people who are a waste of space!

[Dako]

DG,

 

You think that's bad, listen to MY problems...jk

 

I hear you. Empathy isn't a universal trait and your less caring friends seem immature. Trivializing and dismissing your concerns isn't very caring. I have some relatives like this, and routinely tell them to piss off.

My bad.

[Daligal83]

Dako, I can always count on you for a laugh You're right, those are not universal traits. It's kind of disconcerning though that I'm finding them in future social workers who want to do therapy...oh well.

 

Honey Pumpkin and Crazyaboutdogs, you are both right. Unfortunately, not all friendships will last, especially ones like these. I have cut out a lot of people like this. I posted earlier this year about a girl who got mad at me when I couldn't talk to her and called me weeks later (after we stopped talking to each other) saying she had wanted to kill herself and basically made it sound like if she had, it would have been my fault. Needless to say, she's out of my life. It just gets frustrating that I do cut these people out, and then find more to take their place.

 

Oh and Honey Pumpkin, thanks for the comment about me being articulate! I appreciate that