Hard Time - Codenpendency

[Trying_2_Smile]

Hi everyone,

 

As I just came accross this site I see how there are so many helpful and caring people. I thought I might share my story as I am looking for any type of advise to help me get through my recent break-up (1 month ago). Here is my story (sorry if it is long).

 

My bf and I dated for 3 1/2 years. Although at the beginning it was mostly long distance. At the beginning of the relationship I was done school and starting my profession as a teacher. But my bf, who is 2 years older than me, decided to put the rest of his schooling on hold and go work in the middle of now where - because he liked the out doors. Needless to say I was not impressed, but I had realized that he was indeed someone special to me so we stayed together. He came home for a small spurt but then again left - totally breaking my heart. We did break up for a while.

 

About a year ago he decided to come home because he wanted to make a life with me. He wanted to go back to school and focus more on our relationship. I was excited, but scared at the same time because he had broken my heart before already. Things started really well...or atleast I thought.

 

About 6 months ago he moved in with me. He was taking classes at university and working part-time. Now...here is where trouble started. I'm not sure how...

 

He became lazy, hardly did things around the house, took naps everyday (he is twenty-eight), and complained when I was tired after working all day. I did become a nagging * * * * * because everyday when I got home from teaching, coaching,, working out, etc..the house was a disaster and he had done absolutely nothing all day - sometimes not even classes. I think I became to resent him and I never wanted to have sex. I felt bad for this...and he hated it. He felt like I wasn't attracted to him...and I felt like I was always just angry at him. I think I knew deep down that I deserved more. He began calling me selfish and getting angry that I never had time for him. I tried to make things better.

 

Then I found that he began to drink a lot. I had suspected earlier that he did have a drinking problem but I think I had just put it into the back of my head. Earlier in the relationship he would drink and not be able to stop - binge drinker. While this became more frequent. I also suspected drugs...which I later did found out he had been doing cocaine. As I read more now I see that he had displayed alot of qualities of an alcoholic personality.

 

Has anyone dealt with alcoholism?? I am finding it really hard. Because now I find he is blaming everything on me. He says he drank because he was unhappy in the relationship.

 

I am trying to focus on my self and I realize that I have become somewhat of a codependent. Has anyone ever dealt with this? I need help. I need to focus on myself but I am having alot of trouble. I want to move on but at times I feel like it is all my fault that the relationship did not work. My self-esteem is so low. I do blame myself alot. I love him so much, and it hurt. My heart is broken. I am so afraid that I may take him back...and I don't think it would be healthy.

 

Please...can someone shed light on this for me.

[iminpain]

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time. Would you explain to us how you are codependent?

[insofar]

I haven't dealt with alcoholism in a significant other but I have dealt with it -- most of my life -- with my father. For him, it came down to a point where he nearly had a heart attack on Christmas day (after feeling chest pains and taking a relative's nitroglycerin, had to be taken off in an ambulance; bad idea, of course, but then he was drunk) and our doctor told him that basically he had to stop drinking or he would die.

 

That was about three years ago. Since then, he has been going to AA meetings just about every day, and he's a completely different person. He's been sober for at least two years, I believe.

 

The thing was, though, that he had to want to change... and I think it took that much of a shock to get it through to him. I honestly don't know what advice to give you, but I just wanted to say that you're not alone. But you can't be with someone who's an alcoholic. For your own safety you should probably stay away. I know from personal experience how bad things can get when someone is drunk and angry. But perhaps you could organize an intervention with his family or friends?

[redding500]

Welcome to enotalone.

 

"He says he drank because he was unhappy in the relationship."

 

Alcoholics drink for any reason. Because they're happy, because they're sad, because it's 60 degrees outside - it's the disease, and they are never "recovered", only recovering. It is life threatening and the only chance for your boyfriend is if he goes to AA. He will never be cured, however, he will always be an alcoholic - he can only stop drinking.

 

But that is about him. For you I would suggest you to go to Al-Anon ASAP, and also Co-dependents Anonymous. Amongst Al-Anon folks, you'll be surrounded by people who can entirely relate and support you, and gradually you will get back your peace of mind. It is very common that alcoholics pair up with co-dependents, as you would be labeled a "chief enabler."

 

Below are links where you can find a meeting in your area:

 

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[insofar]

Some of the ideas of AA I don't fully subscribe to, but I definitely encourage you to get him to try it if you can, it has helped my father immensely. Al-Anon also helped our family for a time (until he began to recover himself); I found this article on their website about link removed that may provide some good reading in your situation.