Just got dumped

[aaronrodgers]

She is almost 21, I just turned 22.

 

I've been with my girlfriend for more than 4 years. Overall, our relationship has been incredibly fulfilling, strong, open communication, etc. A few weeks ago, she told me she wanted some time apart. We had gone through something like that a couple of years ago and made it out together. This time, it seems like she is a lot more personally lost/distraught. She's pretty much confused by everything in her life, doesn't know if I'm the one for her. She says that a big part of her wants to be with me, but a big part doesn't. Nothing has really gone poorly prior in the relationship to bring on something like this. She admits she knows she'd have a good life with me. Up until this started, she has been so strong toward wanting to marry me and having a family with me. We have been living together for 7 months, by the way. For the past couple of weeks, we've been living in separate places trying to give her her space to think.

 

On Wednesday night, she gave me a call very late, sometime around midnight. We had an amazing talk and everything was going well...then she asked if I could come pick her up so we could go for a drive and maybe something to eat together. I did, and things were going really well...even improving with each sentence that was spoken. It was surreal. And then we had a moment like you could only see in a movie where she looked at me as I was driving...tears in her eyes and a surprised smile on her face...she said "I want to marry you. I want to be with you. I'm sure." I was floored. We talked some more, hugged, kissed, everything looked like it was falling back into place. She came back to the apartment for the night with me and everything was looking good. The next morning, though, she was back to being weird and confused. She admitted that she started to feel that way the previous night when we went to pick up her belongings from her parents' house.

 

It's been really confusing dealing with her when she's been feeling one way one minute...another the next. She has been taking depression medication for about a week and a half. Anyways, yesterday she broke up with me. We were having a long talk and she said that she's just way to confused and needs time to herself to think about everything. So she broke up with me because she has been dying everytime she hurts me like this or sees me in tears. I have asked her to move out, which is happening in the next day or so.

 

I guess I've come here to get some advice. I really don't feel that this is a typical situation...not that any really are. She's facing some serious personal issues that she's currently dealing with...so I try to understand the whole "you have to be healthy as an individual before you can be with someone else." I just tried and wanted so badly to work things out together and help her through this. Neither of us are closing the door on the future...I know a huge part of her still wants that. I just don't know what to do with myself or how to interact with her from here on out. We're best friends, too, so I feel as if I'm losing 2 people. I know that at some point, everyone should move on with their life. I just don't WANT to move on at this point. I'm not going to wait around forever, but I care enough about her that I just want to see how things turn out in the next few weeks/months...and she clearly still has those feelings for me somewhere in her. Just 2 days ago she wanted to marry me again.

 

I don't want to date anyone else...I don't want her to date anyone else (and I know she won't as long as she is going through this). Is that unreasonable? I guess you'd really have to know us and see us together to really know how much we click/fit/love one another. I'm hoping this is just something she needs to go through for herself. There's nothing I or anyone could have done in my shoes to prevent this...it's her personal struggle. Should I ever call her? Should I answer her calls? I've heard things like I should stay out of touch for a month or so then ask her for a casual coffee or something.

 

The point is, I'm not just holding out blindly here for her...but I really do believe that something good could come out of this with her and I...and that's why I am not ready to let go. I want to live my life, but at the same time see what I can do to get us back on track. Any advice?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If she is having a lot of personal problems, she is not in any position to make a decision about her future....all her energy needs to be used to sort out what is going on in her life. You are both still very young and sometimes some time apart is needed, especially since you have been together since high school. Give her the space she needs. If she doesn't contact you within a month, I would just give her a call to say hi and hoping she is doing well (a very simple message, nothing about your relationship). If she does contact you, then by all means talk to her. But make sure the talk is light and nothing about your relationship. Also, if she wants to talk about whatever it is she is going through in her personal life, of course, listen and be a friend. Keep your chin up. Sometimes relationships have to go through rough times in order for both people to grow.

[uppercut]

I've been going through something somewhat similar lately, and i know that you feel like there must be something you can do to get her through it... The fact is though, that it's her that needs to figure it out. I know that this may seem almost impossible, and believe me, i did to, but the only thing you can really do is live your own life, hang out with friends, and put the ball in her court. Once she sees that you're not constantly chasing after her, she will likely realize that she needs you, and will do whatever it takes to get you back. Or, it might not work out that way... Remember though - its not you with the problem right now, so try your best not to make it yours.

 

Best of luck!

[aaronrodgers]

One update is that she text messaged me today saying she was moved out and I could go back to the apartment. I called her after this to see if there was anything else up regarding the situation. She was pretty angry with me and didn't want to talk because of the "ultimatum" I gave her to move out by Sunday. So she said she's going to take a few days probably and talk to me when she's ready. She hung up on me. Is it really so unfair of me to finally take charge of the situation and ask her to move out? I still want to be with this girl...I just wish I could predict her next move/mood.

[aaronrodgers]

Any more advice?

[Ellie2006]

Hey there,

 

Sorry that you're hurting right now ...

 

I fully understand that you want to do everything you can to work things out w/ your gf and laud you for wanting to give it your all ...

Nonetheless, it's been *my* experience (perhaps others will offer different perspectives) that it is extremely difficult to have a healthy relationship w/ someone who's indecisive.

 

It's wonderful that you're trying to be supportive as your gf is currently going through serious personal issues but IMHO, you cannot help someone who refuses your help, wouldn't you say?

 

What I mean by this is she has two ways to deal w/ her personal issues, and it sounds as though she is *choosing* to let her personal issues get in the way of your relationship ...

 

I know you care for her but please do NOT allow her unclarity to hurt you any further.

 

Take care of yourself FIRST ... If she is adamant about resolving her personal issues on her own, give her the time and space to do so. At the same time, this time and space you allow her should benefit YOU as well!

As of now, it sounds like you're allowing her indecisiveness to cloud your capacity to look out for number one: YOU.

 

Try NC for now and use the time wisely to think about what is best for YOUR emotional stability.

 

Good luck and hang in there!

[harmonious]

The point is, I'm not just holding out blindly here for her...but I really do believe that something good could come out of this with her and I...and that's why I am not ready to let go. I want to live my life, but at the same time see what I can do to get us back on track. Any advice?

 

I can't offer you any advice, as that paragraph just about sums up what I'm feeling right now.

It's so difficult and so confusing, wanting to move on but hold on at the same time... I'm so lost there, myself.

 

I hope things get better for you though, you have my heartfelt best wishes.