THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[waterbaby07]

Day 7- Feeling crappy because I got an email from OUR old roommate. A friend left something there while helping me move out and i have to go pick it up. I told the roommate to leave it in the back so i don't have to knock on the door and see HIM. I also need to pick up my mail- which still isn't getting forwarded to my new place!

I deleted him as a myspace friend today. Very childish, but it helps me tremendously. Now i can't visit his website obsessively and feel awful afterwards. I wish i could delete all of his friends too. I still can't believe all of this is happening. To make matters worse i have the worst toothache ever (long story about that). I literally was in tears yesterday and Im usually really good about sucking up the pain. Eating ibuprofen and tylenol like candy.

Im proud of all of you for making it this far. Dunzo- i don't know how you handle seeing the new girl. I would die right there. Im jealous simply of the fact that my ex is single and able to meet anyone he wants right now. I know that tons of girls are going to want him because he's really handsome and one of those quiet types. Good day everyone. May the force of non-communication with the exes be with you!

[Brownsville Girl]

Waterbaby - Get that tooth looked asap. Don't need to be dealing with phsyical pain now. No joke, make it your priority.

 

Celebros - glad you're having a good go at it.

 

Day 9 - Not too bad. Getting myself back on track with eating better, lightening up on the booze and exercising has helped a lot. No impending danger of contact from me, but I still want him to try even though I know it's a wasted wish because it ain't gonna happen. Thought about contacting and glad the folks here talked me out of it. Gonna make my 30 days and re-evaluate.

[lanxan]

Okay lemme get this straight. She was going to ask you to lunch but felt too guilty for not responding to the email??? Call me dumb, but isn't responding to the email the best way to alleviate said guilt and **then** ask you to lunch?

Then she starts yammering on about how her life has been and just assumes that you give a damn?

Seriously do not respond to her.

 

Okay, I've been a long time visitor to the visitors and finally decided to sign up and to the NC challenge.

My break up is somewhat different from others, I'll make a thread about it soon, but consider this my Day one!

[Fineberg]

So once the clock hits midnight it will be my ex's 21st birthday. Her and I have been separated for less than 3 months, so it's going to feel awkward not being apart of this special time in her life like I have been for other special moments over the last 2.5 years. *SIGH* I know that only time will help me through this, but deep down I'm hoping she drunk dials me a couple hours after midnight from some bar or club and starts sobbing and telling me how much she loves me and misses me. Then I'd say something like "Shhh, call me back tomorrow and maybe we can talk about this when you're in a better state of mind." All I really want from her at this point is some vulnerability. She doesn't even have to tell me she misses me, just having her call me on her birthday would let me know that she could be thinking- "Oh my god, this just doesn't feel right not having him here for this." But you know what? That may be what she would say if she missed me as much as I miss her. I have no idea what she is going through emotionially. She hides that stuff so well sometimes. I wrote her that long email the other day that told the story of our relationship and how there were so many things I would have done differently, the things I miss about her, and how I am already starting to get my act together, but I know it takes time for those things to come into effect.

 

I hit an emotional low compared to how well I felt yesterday when she thanked me for the email. I'm just starting to have it sink in that I won't be able to share her 21st with her and I always fantasized about this day while we were dating and how we were going to have a huge party for her and go clubbing. She doesn't even have any friends around where she lives that are of age to party with her! In fact, she really only has one friend at home. The only way I see her keeping busy over the summer is by working at the daycare. Sheesh, what am I saying? I have plenty of things to keep myself busy and here I am sulking over something I have no control over. BAH!

 

NC starts tomorrow night! 100 days of it!

[BrokenBear]

So... I failed miserably at Day 4. I don't know what got over me, but I had to talk to her. Same cold responses from her. Back to square one, day 1 again, tomorrow.

[Coyote9]

Day 66 of NC (2nd time posting it here however)...as I've written before in another thread, the pendulum seems to swing wider the further I get from the last breakup in April. While the denial that she's not coming back, or calling or whatever is finally breaking down, I find myself constantly thinking about the good times a year ago on those long summer days and of course also think about the many times over the last 8 months that she was clearly no longer in love with me or wanting the relationship to work.

 

Little things that now seem huge, like the almost complete lack of photos of us together over the year and a half of our relationship. I'd seen her photo albums and know others she dated were included in a number of those, and yet, there are only one or two pics of us at all...I didn't even make the photo album. I thought we were so in love but I was so in love and blinded to the realities of her lack of interest. Even the words of the breakup letter now finally are sinking in at depth..."I don't love you as you love me, I don't miss you when I don't see you, you deserve someone who is as passionate and devoted to you as you are to her, that person is not me, I don't want to see you or talk to you."

 

I guess it shows some progress that I'm finally seeing this for what it is, but I'm so frustrated that it still pulls so much of my mental and emotional energy. These feelings and observations have to come out somewhere, and I guess that's where this is going for me this evening. I'm very glad I haven't seen her or called her but I don't honestly know what I'd do if I did see her or if (heaven forbid) she were to call. I see others here who struggle with NC because of an ex that won't leave them alone and still have feelings for them. I have an ex who has completely moved on and has no interest in contacting me or any impulses at all to do so. My mind knows that should equal an amazingly grateful attitude that I'm free from a relationship that wasn't close to what I truly want, and yet, my heart still yearns now over two months after the final ending to what had become a very painful relationship for me to stay in anyway.

 

I know I should be grateful for that, but I feel sad and a little foolish that I could come to love someone who so clearly didn't have those feelings for me. I knew that for months and I was in denial. Now I'm in reality. It's a good starting point.

[just M.E.]

Day 1.5 ... didn't work out well, we talked but the good of it was all the really awful stuff he said is driving home this is really over, wow, Pollyanna, how did you miss that?

 

Did I mention this sucks?

[Fineberg]

It's not even 40 minutes into my ex's birthday and I am struggling. I know that if I called her this soon into her birthday it would show a lot of negative things from her standpoint-

 

A) I am coming off as too needy.

 

B) I am obviously not over her.

 

C) I have nothing better to do.

 

D) I'm not giving her enough time and space...from me.

 

OR it is possible that I am looking into it WAY too much and it wouldn't make a difference if I called her tonight, tomorrow night, or ever again. But I would like to give myself a bit more credit than that.

[Knightm29]

Day 29

 

One more day to go!!

 

Went to the gym last night and did some weights. I was the skinniest guy in there but I enjoyed it and felt good afterwards.

 

Still think about my ex a lot, but my thoughts are not so intense. I still get that stomach knot when people mention her like my mum did last night but I am learning to cope with it.

 

I am still not ready to talk to her or see her really as I do have feelings still so NC all the way for another good period if not for good.

 

Roll on Day 30

[Fineberg]

Day 1 of 100

 

That's right, 100. I can afford to up the ante quite a bit since my ex will be at her parents all summer. 100 days by now should be a good week into fall term. Exciting!

 

Anyways, right before I started the countdown I broke down and ended up deciding to call her to wish her a happy birthday at 1am. I figured she might be out somewhere getting drunk at midnight, but instead I actually woke her up! Haha. It wasn't a bad phone call at all. She sounded kind of sick though because she kept coughing and she was too out of it by just being woke up to have much of a conversation, but she sounded content with talking with me and even ended the call with me by telling me she would call me tomorrow. I am so thrilled to be on such positive terms with her right before I start NC. SHE IS GONNA CRAVE IT.

 

Now I should make something clear. Most of you follow these rules of No Contact by doing things like not picking up the phone or letting him/her know you exist. I for one, do not agree with this. I've been reading up a lot lately on how to handle this time with an ex. You don't reply back to things like email, myspace, or facebook- but if they call you, it's okay to pick up the phone and make an attempt at a quick, light-hearted, good-humored, and flirtatious conversation. Give off the impression that you are doing really good. Don't push it too far, but just don't make it seem like the break-up is affecting you. End the call when you can, and leave them thinking about you and wanting MORE.

 

NOW, this is ONLY advice for those planning on getting back with their ex, and if you haven't already, you NEED to cut contact with them for atleast 30 days. Make sure during that time that all the contact is coming from their end. Now if you miss a call from them and they leave a message, don't think you have to call them back. I have lots of friends and family members who call me while I am not at the phone and sometimes I just don't get to calling them back. You should regard your ex as being apart of that same group.

 

PRETTY MUCH WHAT I AM GETTING AT HERE IS DON'T GIVE THEM SPECIAL TREATMENT. THAT IS WHAT A BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND IS FOR AND IF THEY FIND OUT THEY CAN GET THAT ATTENTION FROM YOU ALREADY WITHOUT EVEN HAVING THE GREAT OPPORTUNITY OF HAVING YOU BACK, THEN THEY ARE JUST GOING TO TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED AND LOOK FOR SOMETHING SERIOUS ELSEWHERE.

 

So stop-

 

calling them

texting them

writing them

crying to them

begging to them

guilt-tripping them

 

AND DON'T DO THESE THINGS TO THEIR FRIENDS OR FAMILY, YOU ARE ONLY GOING TO WEIRD YOUR EX OUT AND SHE WILL THINK YOU ARE A CONTROLLING, POSSESIVE FREAK.

 

This is what your ex needs to see from you- That you are taking care of yourself. That you mean enough to mean enough to YOURSELF first. What is going to help them see this? Well, obviously you are taking care of your business, right? Not only that, but TIME. And that is EXACTLY why you need to cut contact for atleast 30 days.

 

If they haven't COMPLETELY moved on from you already in these 30 days they will be thinking of you. They will be remembering the GOOD things about you, and there attraction for you will go UP.

 

So what to do after the 30 days of NC?

 

Start going to the places they frequent, except bring along people of the opposite sex (unless you're gay). When or if you see them, don't look at them if they don't see you and wait a while for them to approach you. If they don't, greet them and be happy and upbeat and even a little flirtatious. Tell them casually that you will give them a call soon.

 

Then (and this also goes for those who can't run into their ex) give them a call a week later and have a nice talk over the phone. Let them do most of the talking and be interested in what they are saying. Don't fight, don't bring up the past, or the relationship. End the call by casually asking them if they would like to meet for a cup of coffee, then set up a time, meet them for coffee, see if you can get some chemistry/connection back by talking and being flirtatious. You want to end the coffee date once they are having a really good time. Don't let things drain out. Then later that week, call them and ask them out for something like a date, like dinner, a movie, whatever! Just start things slowly from square one!

 

GOOD LUCK!

hey, I am going to need it too!

[1guygirl]

arrrgh day 23

 

last nite had dream i was back at our old flat...it was empty and i was asking the ex "so did you throw out my new treadmill?" "what did you do with my.....?" etc etc things i already know he got rid of or sold even tho he knows i had to save up for them...he threw out everything of mine. funny when his ex wife left his house she took everything of his so you would have thought he would have some sort of respect and not do that to someone else he once loved...wouldnt you? (also he was cheated on so you'd think he wouldnt go looking for new stuff on faceparty while getting his gf pregnant wouldnt you?) i think the fact it happened to him then the next relationship he does the same to them makes it worse...maybe that was his game tho...to give him back his ego or whatever. oh i wonder if karma is taking note of all this lol!

 

awwwwww im rambling but ive been kinda pinning for him last cpl of days..feel like its consuming me...and then to see him in a dream like a ghost...it just kills!!

 

my friend sent me 'the secret' and so i will watch it...but i thought of what i REALLY wanted and that was this patch of land i know of, in the north york moors (that doesnt get used) and then id plonk this wood lodge there and yes thats all. thats all i need. i go to a nearby caravan there by this bit of land and its my dream place, i truly feel it 'called' me there and have been a very special place for me (its the place ex took this lynn there few weeks back,but i dont care,i 'reclaimed' it when i went horseriding there hehe) anyway im gunna really focus on it now ive my new biz all set to go.

 

funny i had the dream of ex after i was thinking positive about this place...oh well, maybe i have to go through this crap with ex first before i can move on to the good stuff...so im gunna pull my socks up and really start again in the sense of not thinking bout the ex like i have been last cpl of days...but more a woman on a mission

 

hey fineberg...that last paragraph sounded abit more like tactics then love...if they come back to you because tactics worked...they will leave just as quick. the only way to keep them like that is to keep on playing tactics...would you like to be held in a relationship that was based on that? like SD says LET THEM GO...but love them back....if indeed they do come back...dont worry you'll see what everyone means in time

[1guygirl]

omg this ones for the laydees... when ex finnished me i was a size uk 18...now ebays little elves have just arrived at the door and i got a pair of jeans...some light blue ones that i just dared me to try...in a maternity size uk 14 and they fit like a glove (yes ok the stretchy panels give ALOT around the tummy but hey i do qualify!) its just a boost to know i can fit in the legs of these jeans,my bum is much better and i look slim but pregnant instead of average carrying abit of tummy flab lol....hey this workout lark is paying off even tho i cant really see it until moments like this! cant wait for my black jeans to arrive now...

 

ahhhhhh simple things can make a gurl happy ey hehehe *sticks middle finger to ex*

[Fineberg]

arrrgh day 23

 

hey fineberg...that last paragraph sounded abit more like tactics then love...if they come back to you because tactics worked...they will leave just as quick. the only way to keep them like that is to keep on playing tactics...would you like to be held in a relationship that was based on that? like SD says LET THEM GO...but love them back....if indeed they do come back...dont worry you'll see what everyone means in time

 

Yes, it's tactics alright, tactics wrapped in love . If someone wants an ex back after being dumped they need to start using their head for now instead of their heart. Yes, the heart is for showing and recieving tender loving care, but if our ex's still wanted that from us they wouldn't have dumped us. SO all TLC does at this point is push them even FARTHER away.

By using our head we develop a clearer picture of the situation. I am not saying that it can't be done out of love, I would never agree to try to get back with an ex for revenge or anything else so calice but if you don't think it through, this is what is going to likely happen to some of us-

 

After the 30 of NC we go back to-

 

Begging

Whining

Guilt-Tripping

Sobbing

Bringing up the past

Acting depressed

 

Not only are the 30 days of NC an opportunity to move away from all of the low self esteem actions, but it's also an opportunity for our ex's to see us in a better light such as-

 

Confident

Together

Busy

Flirtatious

Fun

Attractive

 

Now, if there are those of you who don't feel you have all of those qualities, there are ways of attaining them, so get busy, meet new people in the meantime, and try hard to get your mind off your ex while they may still be thinking about you!

[1guygirl]

LOL!!!

 

yes but sometimes love means doing sweet FA

 

either way i hope you it works out for you

[Fineberg]

LOL!!!

 

yes but sometimes love means doing sweet FA

 

either way i hope you it works out for you

 

I totally agree, but situations with ex's are always going to be very delicate initially. I have already made many mistakes that involved calling her nonstop, talking down the other guy she was interested in, crying to her, asking her for another chance.

 

It got so bad that at one point she blocked me online and then told her dorm RA not to let me on her hall! I had turned into creepy stalker ex to her. But from there I actually built up enough trust for us to cuddle topless together in my bed, with a little fooling around in between.

 

ACTIONS will always mean more from your ex than their WORDS. My ex can tell me she is over me all she wants, but then days later crawl into bed with me. She certainly wasn't doing it for the sex because we did everything BUT sex, so what does this tell me?

 

1.) She still has some trust for me.

 

2.) She still feels comfortable with me intimately.

 

3.) She may be confused about some things.

 

We can agree that the first two of those three are fantastic, but the third one regarding her confusion says to me that she needs time to HERSELF. While she still trusts me and can be intimate with me I am going to back off so it can all play out in her head. The last thing we should do when trying to get back our ex is pressure them because most likely if they still have feelings for you there may be some confusion there as well.

 

My ex may trust me now, but not enough to make decisions for her regarding her and I getting back together.

 

The key ingredient here is time. Time builds trust, repsect, attraction, fond memories, and SO MANY MORE things you'll need if you want your ex back.

 

NOW, I know SuperDave probably has a LOT of problems with what I am saying and Dave, I want you to know that I think you are the man. I know you have inspired numerous people to get on with their lives and stop living for their ex's. I agree with you 100%, but after that growth period, if we look back at our ex and think they have what it takes to be with US, then there is no harm in trying to reconnect.

[ryan250]

Week 12.

 

If you would have asked me early April if I was going to be alive in 12 weeks, I would have probably said no. I didn't think I was going to survive. My girlfriend of 3 1/2 years broke up with me. God I loved her ...

 

Do I still think of her? Yes.

Do I still miss her? Hell yes.

 

But it is getting easier. But there are those moments in my day I wish I could call someone and talk to them about my day. Those cold nights where I wish I was cuddling with the one I loved and knowing she loves me back.

 

12 weeks.... wow. When I really think about it, it went fast. I am in the best shape of my life, got a new job that pays double then my old one. Reconnected with my old friends and built so many new bridges. I am flying and have more self confidence than ever.

 

Still, I feel down every once and awhile. I can't help my mind wonder what she is doing, and how happy her new guy makes her.

 

Love sucks.

[Coyote9]

Day 67....feeling pretty hallow but an functioning. I think by the end of the summer I'll be better. Still think about her a lot, but most of the time it's not as intense, or maybe I've just gotten used to the pain and don't recoil like I did the first few weeks after the breakup? I don't even consider the possibility that I might see her or call her. She's moved on so there's no way I'll hear from her either. I'm in love with a ghost, and yet, I still get those powerful freeze frame memories of her and can really depress myself if I linger on those thougths and don't get up and do something. I've been trying to get out and date a bit but my heart is not at all into it. Wanting to plan a real vacation someplace this summer out of town. Someplace that won't remind me of her of be full of couples in the middle of what I imagine to be romantic bliss.

[ryan250]

I'm in love with a ghost

 

Excellent Quote!

[sandyv]

Yep In love with a ghost myself...... and I still dream of that ghost...

 

Oh Coyote, I so hear you, I'm feeling those same kind of emotions, they totally suck... but I'm sorta getting immune to the pain somewhat myself... but just a little at a time...

 

After awhile things can only hurt you so much I guess, I really don't understand this process at all... all I know is it sucks... big time.....

 

My hearts not into seeing anyone else, love takes hostages you know?, and its hard to get free? I can't get free at this point... when will I be able to do that? I don't know... but I'm waiting patiently for that to happen.

 

Just know that you aren't alone, I feel what your feeling too.... we will pull through all this.... eventually I hope.....

[bear12]

day... uhm... 8... was actually okay... i don't know what i think anymore... some days i'm in love with him, some days i'm moving on... you never know what you'll get when you wake up...

[Pending]

Lost track of days..

 

Been kinda off track of the recovery process ever since I received a few out of the blue(after two months of no attempts at contact)-ignored them, but now just been asking if it was the right thing.

 

Just asking how was work/where I worked(guess that would lead to how I have been doing since we spoke after over two months apart). So I went a few weeks back in the recovery process, and for better or worse, there has been no more attempts fpr a week.

 

Busy as hell with my summer work-12 hours daily.

[CrapAtNC]

So, I'm on Koh PhaNgan, Thailand, having a blast and really not thinking of the ex too much (sometimes thinking she would love it here and would be fun to have her around), and doing what I can to move on.

 

But I've been here three nights and she has called me for lengthy (and expensive) chats the last two. ](*,) It swings between 'have fun' and concern that I might have too much fun. The reason she has called is that, apparently, my cat, who she is looking after for me, has somehow disappeared without sign within her one-room apartment. But the conversation soon goes to what a crap time she's having and how she might leave the country to go and enjoy herself.

 

I remain upbeat but attentive and am always the first to say good-bye once we hit a high point in the conversation. She's clearly confused. I won't be answering the next call, but will reply a little later with a text message.

 

Why is love so difficult?

[Knightm29]

Finally made it.

 

Feel so much better to what I was on Day 1. Still think, still miss, but soooo much happier and more in control of my life.

 

I am just going to carry the NC on as long as possible. Does you the world of good.

[spaced]

Im in! - I so need this challenge and this forum!

This is day 2 of NC for me.

I did 2 weeks a month or so ago and it was the longest most painfull 2 weeks of my life - its like heroin withdrawl... each contact is like a hit which gives me hope for a day or two and i feel happier or at least more in control...then the cold turkey kicks in and i start thinking about the next fix!

[1guygirl]

well done knight!! and welcome spaced!!!

 

hope you get inspired by knight spaced...it is hard but empowering...nothing but good can come from NC ! i love reading everybodies 'days' ...the ups and downs - makes you realise this is just normal to be up one day and down the next, but then it swings the other way with more good days and the bad days get less and less

 

day 24 but been split 3.5 months now...had a rollercoaster few days strange! still lil things are happening that make me smile more and more...like getting into smaller jeans and recieving a congrats card through post bout my business and just stuff to do with that, like im not allowed to get too down for too long before im reminded ive got a bright future ahead of me without 'him'. yet i dunno why i sense hes not as happy as he thought he would be...but i predicted this - he'd find the faceparty scene fresh new exciting but after a time shallow, insecere, and i wonder if hes wondering 'was it worth throwing away what i had for???'

 

still not my concern really...blessings in diguise and all that!