THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[hulk7280]

yes i know its hard.. i cant be her friend.. i would love to have her inmy life and talk to her everyday but i just cnat .. i have to move on and i will never be able to moveon with her in my life.. i needed closure and i got it

[cas]

Day 5 of NC completed. 4 days until my ex return from vacation.

 

I sometimes wonder if my heart will make it through this.. I have really been feeling it lately! Heh..

[hulk7280]

u know the sooner u accept its truly over the sooner u can move on..

[hurtandused]

i found this thread, i hope it works for me,I've been on this site for almost four months now. When I found it, I was sure that absolutely no one in the world had ever, or would ever, experience the pain that I was feeling after my break up. Funny. I found a virtual world full of folks who have gone through and experienced the same things and felt the same feelings that I did. That helped a lot.

 

So, for all you newbies who ask the questions, "Will the hurting ever stop," or "Will my ex come back," or "Why did he/she do this," this is how it typically goes down.

 

You two break up--doesn't matter who does it. You immediately panic and begin chasing, begging, pleading, harassing, phoning, e-mailing, IMing, stalking (okay not all of them, just pick whichever one you did). Most of us will likely do some things during this stage that will make you cringe when you think back on it, say after about 3 months.

 

You lose weight. You neglect yourself, your house, your job (how many hours do we all log on this site while we are at work?). You drive your friends and family crazy talking about the break up. You cry at the drop of a dime. You can't even comprehend that your life might not again include that "special person." You begin putting them on a pedestal, forgetting all of the nagging things about them that used to drive you crazy. In your mind, they have become omnipotent, all encompasing, all everything.

 

You convince yourself that you are a loser who just screwed up a relationship with "the best person in the world." You KNOW without a doubt that you will never EVER love like that again. You know no one else will come along who even comes close to being as marvelous as your ex (excuse me while I chuckle to myself here). You wear a sad face for the world to see (you should see my work ID taken 2 days after my breakup, it's just pitiful).

 

They (the ex's) remain steadfast in their denial to get back together. Many of them leapfrog into new relationships, immediately being exclusive with a new person. For those that do leapfrog, they appear to just "replace" you with a new model. All of the things you two used to do, they now do with someone else. Bowling, cuddling watching television, motorcycle riding, antiquing. Whatever you two did, likely they will just begin doing those things with someone new.

 

You hear about them and their new life. You are desperate for any crumbs of news about their life. Many of us make things worse here by trying to use manipulation to get them back--yet they stay away from us like we are the plague.

 

For those of us who do still have contact with our ex's we begin selling ourselves short. Doing stupid things like allowing them access to our bodies and then wanting to strangle them afterward when they remind us that "Sex does not imply hope."

 

You, in further panic mode, begin frantically searching the internet using phrases such as "break ups," "divorce stopper," whatever. You stumble upon this site, pay your money because your curious and lo and behold, you find all of us folks in various stages of this whole breakup bullsh*t.

 

You voraciously read the posts. You search for news of those who "got their mates back." You're on the site constantly. You'll read the books and think "Ah I can do this. I can get this person back." You begin your "no contact" and for some of us, this will get a reaction from our ex's. For the rest, no contact is and will continue to be what you'll get and receive.

 

Time goes by. You'll do some stupid things. You'll call your ex when you shouldn't. You'll call when you've had to much to drink. You'll call even after 50 people on this site tell you not to. You'll show up on their doorstep, hating yourself all the time. Then you'll come back to this site and ask everyone to tell you why you were so stupid as to do whatever it was you did.

 

Then you'll get serious about no contact. It'll hurt, but you try to stick to it. Here's the turning point for most. For those folks who have contact with their ex's, your no contact will either bring them sniffing curiously around or they'll be somewhere high fiving their friends thanking the God's that you haven't called.

 

Now's the tough time. Nothing but time works. Everday the ache in your heart grows a little less. It's only nanobits that it dies down by. But everyday it will get slowly better. You'll have setbacks. You'll run into your ex accidently. You'll run into mutual friends who'll tell you something about your ex that'll have you high-tailing it home for a good cry. You'll see your ex with their new "friend." You'll receive a phone call or an e-mail from your ex who "doesn't want to be in a relationship but still wants to be friends (with benefits if you allow).

 

Here's another important part. You need to truly sit down and truthfully look back at the relationship and understand what you did to help with it's demise. If you miss this part, you go through all the suffering for nothing because Buddy, you'll be back here again. This site is to teach you about you. To teach you how to be a better partner, a better person. Missing that lesson is detrimental to the whole process. It's the REASON that you're going through this. God (or whatever your higher power is) needed you to learn something about YOU. Don't miss out on the lesson.

 

Then one day you'll smile because you didn't immediately check your answering machine when you came in. And one day you'll decide to clean the muck that has accumulated in your house. And one day you'll go outside and admit to the universe that you surrender what control you thought you had.

 

And one day you'll decide to date again. And one day you'll go out on your first date and it will likely be a disaster. And then you'll either force yourself to continue dating or you'll decide that you aren't ready to date but you are ready to be out amongst people again. And many of you will have some quick reconcillations with your ex's. Many of us won't. But one day, it won't matter as much. Because time will allow you to catch yourself going minutes and then hours without thinking of the ex. And you'll begin to be able to think of life possibly without that person and not dissolve into a puddle of nothingness because of the thought.

 

And for most of us, sadly, life will go on without that mate. That's the truth, amigos. Don't want to dash your hopes but probably less than 3% of the people on this site get back with their mates. Sobering isn't it? But, as the site instructs, you must accept this before you can truly begin to heal or draw your ex back to you. For the lucky (maybe unlucky one's depending on how much work it will take to keep a mate that has wandered back) who get back with their ex's, many will find that the paradise they envisioned isn't reality and what they once thought was gold has a certain tarnish to it now. But they stay and try and make it work because it's comfortable or, if they are really lucky, it's meant to be.

 

But for most of us. Life goes on. And one day you'll find yourself having a gut busting laugh over something totally stupid and you'll think to yourself "I am getting better." And finally (thank God) you'll have sex with some new and find that a) if it wasn't good, at least you did it or b) it was so much better than with your ex you wonder why you waited so long to get back out there. And you'll know you're one the road to recovery.

 

I guess what I'm trying to convey here is, while each situation is unique, the characteristics of most of our situations are the same. Most of us will go through at least something that I've written here. So, when someone tells you on this site that time will help you get through it, believe them. When they tell you that "trust me, it will get better and you will stop hurting eventually," believe them. And when they give you good advice that your head understands but your heart rejects, take a moment to think before you react.

 

Don't beat yourself up if you do something that you wished you hadn't (calling, contacting, etc) WE ALL DID AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving of yourself. And most of all remember that being happily single is an alternative. Even if society is beating it into your head that you MUST have a mate, take some time to heal before going back out there. There are plenty of good people to love, but don't go back out there broken, jaded about love, etc. Accept realty. Experience the pain. Learn the lesson. Actively try to heal. Remember the person you were when you first met your ex and get that person back.

 

And the universe will take care of the rest."

 

 

__________________

[Jay_Bird]

Day 33

 

I was at the bar

 

and seen one of her friends..........

 

 

I think I messed up

 

I told her to tell my ex I said hey.....then I turned around and told her not to tell my ex anything.......then her friend told me,don't worry cause they really don't talk that much anyway

 

 

then I was liquored up

 

and she wanted me to drive her to her car,and she said something about my ex is being in her own little world right now

 

and my mouth started talking before I was thinking

 

and I said,yeah thats why I broke up with her

 

then she told me....but I thought she broke up with you.......and I was like nah.......................

 

 

did I mess up????????????

[hurtandused]

yes you did, but we all have

[Jay_Bird]

I just hope she doesn't go back and tell her

[cas]

What a great post, hurtandused - I enjoyed reading it. And I can definitely recognize the moods and actions you're describing!

[hurtandused]

What a great post, hurtandused - I enjoyed reading it. And I can definitely recognize the moods and actions you're describing!

i just got to remember to put it into use when i feel the urge to break NC,

[jak466]

In this past year, my ex and I have not been out of contact for more than a week.

 

YES! It has been me doing the initiating.

 

I'm in day 3 again.....again....again!

 

What people like superdave and hurtandused have written is spot on. What is tearing me up is knowing it and still pursuing.

 

It's been a long weekend. I know in my head and my heart that I am not special to her. I wasn't special enough to want to work through our issues I guess. Anything we shared was not of value...and it kills me!

 

We all know the special things from our own relationships. I know no contact is the only true thing left to do.

[greeneyedgal]

Jaybird, the fact that you are so worried if your ex (maybe) finds out some inaccurate info passed on second-hand from an ex's friend who she sees sometimes only is a concern - does it really matter? Focus on you and having a good time (sensibly)!

 

Well I've seen a few more posters and wonder if its time to re-start my NC properly - I've replied to a couple of my ex's contacts but only briefly via text. I have not told him I'm doing NC. Maybe I should? Again, he would think it ludicrous. I haven't heard from him for a few days now in any way. Maybe he is finally getting the hint.

 

I felt I should describe a strange dream I had the other night which I think is related to what I'm going through. I dreamt I was put in prison together with a whole bunch of other people in a cell. I was there because I didn't know who I was and because I couldn't identify who I was to prove my guilt or innocence, I was lumped in with all these other people. I asked if I could go to the bathroom and I was led out to somewhere outside of the prison by a hallway and then left the bathroom via the wrong door and found myself locked outside of the prison complex scared senseless of getting into trouble if I couldn't find my way back in unobserved. I was knocking on doors and seeking elevators that would somehow take me back to the prison. After thinking about what a strange dream it was, I got to thinking - wow there is a lot of symbolism there - 'I _want_ to be imprisoned?', 'I would rather not know who I am?' What the hey? Well anyhow I guess it just showed me that NC is in a way about finding out who I am without relying on the identity of 'us' that I shared as the gf and then as a friend of my ex.

 

I think a lot of us would rather not know who we are and feel comfortable in a relationship as it means we don't have to confront certain things about ourselves which we don't like - until it all blows up in our face - which is probably what ultimately leads to their demise - well anyhow - my 2c worth!

 

Hope you're all doing ok!

[jak466]

I have to think If I can make it 2 weeks without initiating contact, it would be such a change, she would have to believe something is going on with me.

[ryan2000]

And one day you'll go outside and admit to the universe that you surrender what control you thought you had.

 

 

 

I'd really like to do this. I like the thought of me doing this.

[ryan2000]

'I _want_ to be imprisoned?'

 

 

WOW, Greeneyed, very interesting dream. And i think you analysed it quite accurately too.

 

In some strange way, it does sound appealing. Safe, secure, protected.

Yeah, i can certainly see the attraction there. Especially in my current situation.

[ryan2000]

Day 6 (13)

 

I don't know what to write this morning. I'm not entirly sure what i am feeling.

 

After reading HurtandUsed's post, it's almost as if i took the first step to 'acceptance'.

 

Sure, i've been saying that i've been learning to accept it for weeks now, but you and i both know that's horse * * * * .

 

I choose not to 'Accept' because, quite frankly, it painful and i've been hurt far too much latley. So i deny it, it's so much easier.

 

If i do choose to 'Accept' the situation, does that mean that i no longer love my ex? If i 'Accept', will that destroy any hope of me taking her back if she so chooses too?

And there in lies the key really. If i do choose to 'Accept', it will be as a result of me giving in, which is not as bad as it sounds. See hurtanduseds post below...........

 

And one day you'll go outside and admit to the universe that you surrender what control you thought you had.

 

The above sounds so appealing to me. The thought of me doing such an act is so attractive that it's borderline sexy!

 

I WANT to be able to do that so badly. My time will come. It's quite obvious that i am not in a stable enough position to do so, but at least i can look forward to being able to do it.

 

I thought about her alot over the weekend. Am i wasting my thoughts too much on her i wonder? This time, as unfortunate as it is, should be spent on myself, i know this. But it's too hard NOT to think about her. It's out of my hands.

 

I Appologise for not posting on sunday. It's just that saturday was so hard and i let go of so many tears that i needed a break from it all.

 

I didn't cry on sunday. Not once.

 

I got drunk and watched the criket with a mate and my brother. It was great. Sometimes i'd find myself drifting off into thought, but the sounds of my friends laughter would quickly snap me out of any trance that i'd find myself becoming trapped in.

 

Those are what i call 'My Moments'. Usually, when they hit, it's goodnight folks, i'm off home to crack a bottle of wine and cry myself to sleep.

(That remindes me, i'm out of tissues! - Must go to the supermarket after work).

 

Anyway, back to 'My Moments'.

 

When i drifted deep into thought yesterday, i could have so easilly been trapped, yet i snapped out of it on numerous occasions. Maybe half a dozen times or so.

That's never happened before.

 

I should be viewing that as a positive, but i'll admit, it does sadden me somewhat. It means that i am starting to move on. I don't like that idea.

It means that my grip on my realtionship is slowly getting weaker and weaker and will eventually i will tire and let go. In short, i am coming to the realisation that 'it is out of my hands'. There is nothing i can do.

 

I've always worked hard for what i want. But it sickens me to think that in this situation, there is litterally nothing i can do.

 

Or is there?

 

Remembering that 'winning her back' is not and should not be used as inspiration here but there is in fact something i can do.

I need to focus on making myself a better person. Not for her, nor anybody else for that matter, but for myself!

 

Selfish ain't it?

 

It's hard to believe i can actually learn to love myself and no doubt due to my clear lack of self-confidence, it will be hard work to get to the stage of beliving.

 

As i write this, with such a strong desire to believe in hurtandused's post and focus on learning how to love myself again, i do have a confession to make...........

 

Sadly, i'm drifting into another moment.

 

Remind myself that it's 'HER LOSS' that i am 'SO MUCH BETTER THAN HIM'. Remind myself that i'm a good person. A strong, attractive, genuine and honest guy who will make somebody very happy one day and in return receive a happiness that my heart so desires and derserves.

believe WHAT OTHERS HAVE TOLD YOU.

 

I'm sorry. I'm just not there yet. I'm so sorry.

[yellowbus]

I'm dying inside. I can't be happy anywhere I go or with anything that I am doing. Even though I know there will also be someone else for me, but why did he have to move on with someone else one week later, like I was nothing to him.

[challenge]

Made it 18 days, but I had to talk tonight. Felt quasi-suicidal, so I deemed it the least of my troubles. I played it very cool, and enjoyed talking. However I'm extremely lucky I didn't say anything to hurt my position. I think that's the best one can hope for in this situation. NC is extremely effective, but I think it's important to clarify to the ex that you don't do NC out of hatred or anger, and you say this with your attitude, not your words. These 18 days have felt like 18 painful years. It feels like holding your breath for days. I know now that she misses me. I should have assumed that. I'll just continue no contact, and see where things lead. So in closing, I don't regret talking tonight, because I feel like I was in the driver's seat emotionally. However it does send a mixed signal because it's inconsistent. She'll just have to assume I'm busy, which I am. I just hope I didn't hurt any future chances by being available. Praying for the best.

[faith21]

hurtandused-- great post! I can relate to it. My bf broke up with me 3 weeks ago and at first I didnt know what to do-- i did all that callling, texting, pleading..etc.. but then i realized that in my past relationships all this happened and in the end it turned out to be fine. my last serious relationship i did the no contact thing and in the end he ended up wanting to get back together and I ended up wanting to move on. As for this last breakup, part of me wants to be back with him but parts of me doesnt. I have been on various sites on getting your ex back- just like your post said ..lol. its been 3 weeks so far.. and it seems like he is wanting to talk , text, etc.. i dont know what to think of it. i have texted him back, saying that im doing good when he asks, making sure he doesnt know im depressed and hurt to. I am actually moving on, hanging out with friends, not crying.. but there are still those lonely nights.. He has even told me he is kinda lonely but doing alright.. He has called me several times , yet I havent picked up. Basically I havent talked to him for 3 weeks and there is only 1 week left until it is a month of no contact. I am really confused on if i should text back saying i need more space..or if i should just ignore his call.

anyway great post! ps has anyone bought the winbacklove ebook by annalyn caras? its $97 and Im not sure if I should buy it .. before stumbling on this site ( enotalone) I was ready to buy it, but now I feel like I can just find similar issues that other ppl are going through on here.

I bought the magic of making up and it did have some useful info in it but it didnt go into that much details. just seeing what others are thinking!

This is my first time on here!

[Stelinha]

Day 17

I've never managed it this far! ever just like Jak466 I was always the one doing the initiating.

Anyway, it shows it can be done.

 

I never thought I'd say this but I'm glad it's work today and no longer the weekend where there is more chance to think about him

[greeneyedgal]

Did you guys ever see the Neverending Story? Well it's like that is my life and my ex trying to get 'in' is the world being destroyed even more...I was chatting away to a long lost (female) friend and then all of a sudden a skype message came up saying 'yes, it's me' I assume because he'd added me as a contact. In my panic of trying to minimise the screen, I think I accidentally dialled - a mouse click and this happens but then it dropped out. If he had no intention to talk to me, why did he add me? I'm petrified he may try to call again - it was just to see if I'd blocked him on messenger which I indeed have and he now knows....crap.

[hulk7280]

Day 2 for me...

 

I am constantly thinking about her.. its really bad this morning not sure why, but the mornings are def the hardest. I usually wake up with a hurt feeling in my heart... like someone punched me really hard in the middle of my chest. it comes and goes..

 

She went on a date with another guy on friday night. She told me it was really innocent and casual, but is there such a thing? I know its someone from my gym.. not sure who, but to be honest I odnt wannna know. I wonder how things went? I hope she didnt like him.. but who knows.. After i found out on a date i knew i had to take the NC challenge so here i am day 2!

 

last night i had dinner with a previous ex.. hadnt seen her in over a year. It was really nice to catch up with her. We had a great dinner and great talk.. i actually felt really good after dinner with her, but this morning im sad again does anyone from here want to talk?

[WadeCure]

In case anyone is curious. It's Monday and no I haven't broken NC. I got that "Hey, how are you?" e-mail, and immediately discarded it. I haven't heard from her since. Good.

[luvver]

Hi to all on this inspirational forum.

 

Day 1 for me

 

Have been split up for about 2 weeks, had a very unproductive telephone call yesterday with my ex, which I initiated

 

So am now determined to adhere to NC, and continue with healing and self improvement with the help of this thread and you good people.

[challenge]

Still on my first day restarting the challenge. I'm not sure if I'm ready for this yet. I know NC is the best route, but now I've broken it, and my feelings for her have bubbled right back up. I can never interact with her unless she wants to reconcile, otherwise I'll never heal, and I can't reconcile unless I heal, thereforee I can't interact until I heal. I just hate hurting her with NC. I need to work on me. Hopefully she leaves me alone, but I doubt it. This is really difficult. I can't stand the mixed signals. If she would just stop giving me hope I could have closure and move on! But she can't move on yet because I'm her best friend, so she'll try to use me to get through this tough time. I need to take the power back a little bit, and figure out where I'm going. I won't make the mistake of contact again, PERIOD.

[Stelinha]

greeneyedgal, seems like he wants to be in contact.

Wish my ex 'friend' would make the effort to contact or add me to his skype list. Then I would have least have known he didn't respond to me out of shame or pity- that he actaully gave two hoots about me.

Wish I could stop wishing he would I'm the biggest fool.